He contacted me ... Why?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm floored. He actually made contact. Not one time, but it turns out 3 times.

Background ... .Together 4 years, seperated for the last seven months and broke up about 4 months ago ... .My ex is dxBPD (though now he claims he only has pstd). He is a waif, lying, cheating, etc... .Four 1/2 months ago I found out that he had another affair this time with his "straight best" friend who he was/is in love with. I never met the best friend but my ex reported that he was into things like animal mutilations, would control my ex, lead him one, etc... .  The best friend is getting married and my ex is supposed to be the best man. Seven days after I found out about the affair, I was dumped via a text message stating that I was never to contact my ex again and that if I did he would call the police. They have been best friends for 8 years and only lived in the same city for one year. In the last 5 years they have seen eachother a single time ( earlier this year). I'm pretty sure they have no real clue who each other is.

After the break-up I found out that my ex is planning to move to the same city as his best friend. No idea when it would occur, just knew it would happen.

Then, in the last month, my ex tries to contact me 3 times.

1. He put on a dating website that he was moving to the same town where is "best friend" lives and made sure my friends saw the message so that they would pass it on to me. I didn't respond.

2. I'm on a dating/chat site that I use to keep in touch with friends from college. He has a profile on there. It's the only profile that he didn't block me from when we broke up. Yesterday, I upgraded the profile which allowed me to see who is viewing my profile. My ex showed up on the list. Took me completely by surprise. He's been keeping tabs on me via this site. You can't block anyone unless you upgrade. I blocked him.

3. When I went to block his account, I saw that he has posted on this site that he is moving this Saturday to be with the "best friend". He had made the change yesterday.

While this may not seem like contact, for my ex it is. He never once in four years dealt with anything directly. It was always indirect, manipulative, roundabout, confusing and weird messages. He just couldn't be open, honest and direct.

This morning, I woke up and had the first anxiety attack I've had in 3 months. I'm ok now. I'm not upset. I'm just really really confused.

He destroyed our relationship. Yes I did things wrong, but he destroyed it.

He ended it. He threatened to call the police at further contact.

I have had no contact with him since the beginning of October and have not spoken to him since September.

Why is he trying to contact me?

What is going on?

What could he possibly want?

I don't understand this. He got what he wanted. He ran away and didn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions again. I'm moving on. 

[Finished]

I'm floored. He actually made contact. Not one time, but it turns out 3 times.

Background ... .Together 4 years, seperated for the last seven months and broke up about 4 months ago ... .My ex is dxBPD (though now he claims he only has pstd). He is a waif, lying, cheating, etc... .Four 1/2 months ago I found out that he had another affair this time with his "straight best" friend who he was/is in love with. I never met the best friend but my ex reported that he was into things like animal mutilations, would control my ex, lead him one, etc... .  The best friend is getting married and my ex is supposed to be the best man. Seven days after I found out about the affair, I was dumped via a text message stating that I was never to contact my ex again and that if I did he would call the police. They have been best friends for 8 years and only lived in the same city for one year. In the last 5 years they have seen eachother a single time ( earlier this year). I'm pretty sure they have no real clue who each other is.

After the break-up I found out that my ex is planning to move to the same city as his best friend. No idea when it would occur, just knew it would happen.

Then, in the last month, my ex tries to contact me 3 times.

1. He put on a dating website that he was moving to the same town where is "best friend" lives and made sure my friends saw the message so that they would pass it on to me. I didn't respond.

2. I'm on a dating/chat site that I use to keep in touch with friends from college. He has a profile on there. It's the only profile that he didn't block me from when we broke up. Yesterday, I upgraded the profile which allowed me to see who is viewing my profile. My ex showed up on the list. Took me completely by surprise. He's been keeping tabs on me via this site. You can't block anyone unless you upgrade. I blocked him.

3. When I went to block his account, I saw that he has posted on this site that he is moving this Saturday to be with the "best friend". He had made the change yesterday.

While this may not seem like contact, for my ex it is. He never once in four years dealt with anything directly. It was always indirect, manipulative, roundabout, confusing and weird messages. He just couldn't be open, honest and direct.

This morning, I woke up and had the first anxiety attack I've had in 3 months. I'm ok now. I'm not upset. I'm just really really confused.

He destroyed our relationship. Yes I did things wrong, but he destroyed it.

He ended it. He threatened to call the police at further contact.

I have had no contact with him since the beginning of October and have not spoken to him since September.

Why is he trying to contact me?

What is going on?

What could he possibly want?

I don't understand this. He got what he wanted. He ran away and didn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions again. I'm moving on. 

[Finished]

I actually feel like my internal clock has been reset. Just this little bit of contact and now, all I can think about is my ex. I miss him and I love him. That never changed, but I was going a few days without thinking about him. Just a small bit of indirect contact and I'm missing him all the time.

Why the heck didn't he just go? Why bother me again? He even let me know he was moving? Just go ... .

[StillInShock]

Sorry I couldn't understand... .how did he contact you? via text? email? or a call?

I know for sure that sometimes they like to resurface from the past... .to make sure that you will never forget them... .that gives them the sense of their selves and their NEED to control the source of that sense

[Beach_Babe]

Damn im sorry Finished... .I know how you feel.     Good god, doesnt he EVER give up? Its really sad if you think about it... .

[Finished]

Sorry I couldn't understand... .how did he contact you? via text? email? or a call?

I know for sure that sometimes they like to resurface from the past... .to make sure that you will never forget them... .that gives them the sense of their selves and their NEED to control the source of that sense

LOL ... .I can't understand either 

My ex never directly engaged in anything. I mean anything. He's a waif. He's highly passive aggressive. I NEVER knew what was going on. When we did try couples counseling the counselor called him on this with holding tactic and told him that he did it to maintain control.

He never yelled. Not one time in four years did he come to me of his own free will or out of some type of self-awareness and try to make amends.

I spent so much of my time watching him for the slight changes in behavior that passed for communication so I would know what was going on.

So, for him, contacting a friend of mine to get the friend to see his online profile stating he is moving is about as direct communication as my ex ever engaged in. He knew that by getting my friend to see that information, that it would get passed onto me so he indirectly contacts me through a friend.

Then, he does the same thing with my online profile (like throwing a hook into the water, waiting for a fish to bite) to get me to see this information that he's moving.

Think of it this way ... .Many of us have been blocked by our ex's on Facebook. Now, suppose that the ex removes the block four months later. It's a definite opening inviting re-engaging. This is that type of behavior.

It used to drive me nuts and push my buttons because I just wanted direct, open honest communication. Not this round about, guessing game playing stuff.

Since he is the one who officially ended things. Since he threatened to call the police if I ever contacted him again, I am really confused as to why he is now making some attempt at contacting me to let me know he's moving away. Apparently the attempts (three have been 3 I'm aware of) started in December. I only found out about them this week.

Why is he even bothering?

Why not just move and leave me alone?

Yes, it's subtle and seems minor. Yes, I know it makes me seem like I'm over analyzing things. I know that this makes me look kinda nuts. But, given the way my ex engaged in communication, I'm absolutely certain I'm right about this.

[zoso80]

Ugh. Sorry Finished you're going through this. Nothing like inflaming old scars. *sigh*

Passive aggressive, that one is never fun because of the tension in the air. Things never gets resolved or addressed. Wanting open and honest communication is not too much to ask! BPDs aren't wired for that kind of communication. They are too self-driven or caught up in their own shifting internal dynamics.

I wouldn't trust his motives. He's diagnosed if I read your original post correctly.  This likely sneaking around and seeing what you are up to isn't about making any amends. He has some need and he's feeling around to set you up to reinititiate contact. He very well might have rewritten history to that you'd "welcome" him back. Remember, with BPDs feelings are facts. If he has "forgotten" the problems of the r/s coupled with his lack of empathy and introspection, he could expect you to feel the same. The power of the disorder and the skewed thinking right there.

He's shown his true stripes in the past with threatening police action on you, dumping you via text message (ugh!) and provoking great anxiety and frustration in you. That's not to mention a complete lack of respect.

Moving on. I'm glad you said it, it's important to keep that great perspective in mind. He's giving you  without even contacting you. BPDs really leave impressions on us, sometimes not for the better.  Trying to rationalize and understand what he's doing and why will just bring down more anxiety on you and open old wounds. Blocking him was a great move! He's showing you all the reasons to be thankful you aren't in a r/s with him anymore.

DxBPDgf would go look at my profiles when I still had them on dating sites. I took mine down because honestly, it creeped me out she was looking at my profiles. In the last year, I've left them down because I have things I'm still working to get healthy and in a good place before I consider dating again. I've blocked her every way I know how.

I know if she tries to contact me I'll have a serious case of  .  It won't be a happy time.  The way I've decided to handle it will be to ignore and throw it away. No good came of the relationship, she stopped treatment a month after I left, so I know no good will happen now.

Some things are best left in the past never to be revisited.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Finished]

Passive aggressive, that one is never fun because of the tension in the air. Things never gets resolved or addressed. Wanting open and honest communication is not too much to ask! BPDs aren't wired for that kind of communication. They are too self-driven or caught up in their own shifting internal dynamics.

Yup, I think what activated the anxiety was all the unresolved issues. I still struggle with not a single thing ever being resolved. Even when the evidence was in front of him, things still never got resolved. When I realized he was doing the indirect contact thing all that stress and anxiety just came back. It was a nice wake up call only because I had begun to forget just how bad I felt all the time.

I wouldn't trust his motives. He's diagnosed if I read your original post correctly.  This likely sneaking around and seeing what you are up to isn't about making any amends. He has some need and he's feeling around to set you up to reinititiate contact. He very well might have rewritten history to that you'd "welcome" him back. Remember, with BPDs feelings are facts. If he has "forgotten" the problems of the r/s coupled with his lack of empathy and introspection, he could expect you to feel the same. The power of the disorder and the skewed thinking right there.

Yes, he's been dx by 2 psychologists and a psychiatrist. Of course, two weeks after we broke up he let me know that he was misdiagnosed. That he never had BPD. That it was really PSTD. RIIIIIGHT ... .

I do not trust his motives at all. Which is why I'm wondering what this is about. Part of me would welcome him back. I won't lie. Let's face it. When it was good, it was amazing. When it was bad, it was a deep dark hole I will never go back too. But, while a part of me may wish for what could have been, the reality is I would never go back to that mess again.

He's shown his true stripes in the past with threatening police action on you, dumping you via text message (ugh!) and provoking great anxiety and frustration in you. That's not to mention a complete lack of respect.

Yup ... .This was about hiding from the consequences of his actions. He was getting rid of me first because he didn't want to be dumped or he didn't want the truth to come out regarding his actions. It was an extremely cruel and pre-emptive strike.

DxBPDgf would go look at my profiles when I still had them on dating sites. I took mine down because honestly, it creeped me out she was looking at my profiles. In the last year, I've left them down because I have things I'm still working to get healthy and in a good place before I consider dating again. I've blocked her every way I know how.

I understand your blocking. This "dating" site isn't one I use for dating. It's a free site that I use to talk to friends from college. We've been doing it for years to stay in touch. Not practical any longer I know, but I think it's more a habit now than anything. I removed the block. Not because I welcome contact, but because I refuse to let him have that type of influence in my life. Let him look. Let him see. If he wants to block me, go right a head. But after a bit of thought, I realized I'm not giving him that kind of power over me.

With my ex, when the messages were delivered was just as important as what was delivered. He would sit on information and wait till the right moment to let it out so that he could manipulate my responses for whatever he currently needed. I knew he was going to move in October and he knew I knew. So why wait till the week before he leaves to ensure I know?

DAY-UM but I'm glad I don't deal with this on a daily basis any longer.

[Finished]

Damn im sorry Finished... .I know how you feel.     Good god, doesnt he EVER give up? Its really sad if you think about it... .

I don't find it sad at all. I used to have sympathy for his situation, but now NOPE! ... .He has the power to change and chooses not too. He changes scenary, or people but his reality doesn't change.

He just uses different actors and sets to put on the same show over and over and over ... .He's the director. If he wants a different show, get a different script. Since he's diagnosed and been in therapy he's at least aware that other options exist. As he chooses to keep using the same script over and over I have no sympathy on any level for him.

But thank you :-) I was warned he would make contact. He did. What I realize is that I'm still very sensitive and tuned into him. Only more distance and time will erase that. He just needs to hurry up and move.

[Beach_Babe]

Think of it this way ... .Many of us have been blocked by our ex's on Facebook. Now, suppose that the ex removes the block four months later. It's a definite opening inviting re-engaging. This is that type of behavior.

I have a similar situation... .... .sounds like they're both attention w*ores.

Oh btw sad = pathetic. You've come a  long way here, and its great you recognize him for what he is: a sad, sorry individual

[2010]

"Many of us have been blocked by our ex's on Facebook. Now, suppose that the ex removes the block four months later. It's a definite opening inviting re-engaging. This is that type of behavior."

"I removed the block. Not because I welcome contact, but because I refuse to let him have that type of influence in my life. Let him look. Let him see. If he wants to block me, go right a head. But after a bit of thought, I realized I'm not giving him that kind of power over me."

Finished, I'm not seeing the differences between unblocking between one or the other. You say you don't want to give him power over you- but by removing the block- isn't that allowing him access to your profile and defeating the purpose of a boundary?

"Then, he does the same thing with my online profile (like throwing a hook into the water, waiting for a fish to bite) to get me to see this information that he's moving."

Indeed. You are both taking the bait by visiting each others profiles. But this isn't unwanted contact- it's addiction behaviors. If you truly wanted to have no contact, you'd put the block back in place.  Unblocking allows information and gets you worked up about perceived contact- it's no different than the relationship for your stress level.

[Finished]

"I removed the block. Not because I welcome contact, but because I refuse to let him have that type of influence in my life. Let him look. Let him see. If he wants to block me, go right a head. But after a bit of thought, I realized I'm not giving him that kind of power over me."

Finished, I'm not seeing the differences between unblocking between one or the other. You say you don't want to give him power over you- but by removing the block- isn't that allowing him access to your profile and defeating the purpose of a boundary?

I don't care if he reads my profile. Let him. Remember he's indirect in everything. He hasn't logged onto the site in days. And has no idea that I put up a block. My blocking him actually lets him know he succeeded in his contact. By removing the block, he doesn't know he succeeded. He won't contact me directly I don't believe. At least for a long long time because he can't do anything directly. Had I left the block on, it would only have encouraged him to continue using these indirect methods to contact me and I don't want to worry about them.

Blocking him is another form of validation that his attempts are working. Ignoring all behaviors is the only way to go at this point.

"Then, he does the same thing with my online profile (like throwing a hook into the water, waiting for a fish to bite) to get me to see this information that he's moving."

Indeed. You are both taking the bait by visiting each others profiles. But this isn't unwanted contact- it's addiction behaviors. If you truly wanted to have no contact, you'd put the block back in place.  Unblocking allows information and gets you worked up about perceived contact- it's no different than the relationship for your stress level.

No, I'm not visiting his page. He showed up in a track list. I didn't go visit his page initially. The only way on this site to block someone is to log into their site and block them from within the site so I had to go visit it which is when I saw the message. I've had access to his page for months and don't go visit it because I don't need or want the consequences that would follow.

[Finished]

Think of it this way ... .Many of us have been blocked by our ex's on Facebook. Now, suppose that the ex removes the block four months later. It's a definite opening inviting re-engaging. This is that type of behavior.

I have a similar situation... .... .sounds like they're both attention w*ores.

Oh btw sad = pathetic. You've come a  long way here, and its great you recognize him for what he is: a sad, sorry individual

Yes I have come a long way. I have moments of weakness but I'm so much better now than I was four months ago. Thank you.

Yes, he is a sorry, sad, pathetic person. But that is his choice and he can wallow in it.