I'm stuck

[Only Human]

Good morning Family,

I sit here with my keyboard and don't know what to type. I feel so hopeless right now. I know that posting here will help me. I've started to post a new topic a few times in the last couple of days only to delete everything and close all windows.

I'm tired of talking about it, tired of reading about it, tired of learning about it, and most of all, tired of the feeling that I've messed everything up.

I am so scared for my DD and GS but mostly my GS. As the "move out" date gets closer, I'm preparing for the worst. My daughter has said she will move out of state and will not tell me where she is, cut off all communication. I will never see or talk to my GS again. Grandparent rights can't help me if I can't find her.

I want to erase this post because I feel like I should be in a different place with all this - I should be hopeful, I should be learning, I should be focusing on today, not the future, I should be practicing self-care, I should be validating my daughter, giving positive reinforcement, but I can hardly stand to look at her. I can hardly stand to look at myself.

I'm gonna hit "post" before I change my mind.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi OH,

You are going through a terrible thing. Having to separate ourselves from our kids for our own mental health is not a natural instinct to any good parent. All we want to do is help our kids/grandkids and protect them. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of guilt, is that right?

Your situation is particularly terrible because of your GS. It sounds like you are deep in mourning for him, and rightfully angry at your daughter.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You have every right to feel what you're feeling.  Not to mention that when my DD lived with us I felt like I was being held hostage in my own home. All I could think about was escaping/when she would move out. Is it like that for you?

I think/hope that if your DD does try to cut you off from GS, when he's a little older he will reach out. Is he old enough to memorize your phone number? I think the important thing with him is to try to let him know you're always there for him even if you can't physically be there. It's hard when he's so young, though.

Don't "should" yourself, dear OH. Allow yourself to grieve and feel whatever you're feeling. You are in survival mode right now.

Sending you all the hugs

[Radcliff]

OH, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.  Difficulties in my relationships with my kids are the things that can completely bring me to my knees.  I, too, have had times where I felt like it was tough to post here, but every time I have, I've been glad, and when I've isolated myself, I've felt worse.  There is nothing you "should" be doing.  There is no instruction book for this.  We are doing our best in unreasonable situations.  We feel how we feel.  If you're not sure what to post, just keep us up to date and let us know how you're feeling. 

Our situations are different, but when I find panic rising in me that my relationship with D13 may be ruined forever, I try to remind myself that the solution is long term, that today may be terrible, but over the long haul, love will prevail.  When I can do this, it helps me stay more relaxed, which helps me back off a bit and not make things worse in the near term.  I can't always manage that, but when I do, it helps.

RC

[Only Human]

Yes, Hyacinth Bucket - guilt is up there in the top three things I'm feeling. I hadn't intended to give her 30 days that day but I did. I want more time with GS, more time to try to be a positive influence in his life, in her life. I don't know if he's old enough to memorize my phone number but I'll be working on that in the short periods of time I am alone with him.

The last time she lived with me, yes, I did feel like a prisoner in my home. This time not so much.

I try to remind myself that the solution is long term, that today may be terrible, but over the long haul, love will prevail.  When I can do this, it helps me stay more relaxed, which helps me back off a bit and not make things worse in the near term. 

Thanks for this, Radcliff. I'm having a really hard time seeing beyond this perceived betrayal (calling CPS on my daughter). She's never cut me out for longer than a couple of months but has cut out all of GS's other grandparents, the most recent discard was 8 months ago, the longest ago was 2 years ago. She told me I've damaged our relationship beyond repair "this time." I fear she's right.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Hi OH

I relate to the brick wall, not being able to post, deleting drafts, stuck, till I've topped it like you have now. 

I'm having a really hard time seeing beyond this perceived betrayal (calling CPS on my daughter). She's never cut me out for longer than a couple of months but has cut out all of GS's other grandparents, the most recent discard was 8 months ago, the longest ago was 2 years ago. She told me I've damaged our relationship beyond repair "this time." I fear she's right.

Remember DD acknowledged to you she'd hurt GS. It's also hard to muster validation when we are hurting, fearful, stuck!

You want her to leave on best of terms, that may help her to do just that. How long did she think she was staying? Trying to understand set expectations.

WDx

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi OH,

how are you doing?

As WD said, perhaps if she leaves on the best terms possible, she won't cut you out for very long, if at all. I believe your daughter knows that hitting her son is wrong, and after time has passed perhaps her anger over the matter won't be so raw. My daughter has told me that I crossed a "boundary" that I couldn't uncross before, and then pretty quickly has gotten over it particularly if she needed something.  I hope that because she has been allowing you to have your scheduled time with him, this is indicative of how the future will go. Maybe you could offer to pay to fly him to see you a couple of times a year or something; she seems to value her alone time a lot.

Why did she cut out your GS' other grand parents? Were they as aware of her BPD and working to communicate better, as you are?

Sending hugs 

[once removed]

I'm gonna hit "post" before I change my mind.

it helps to talk. im glad you did. the family will always be here to lift you up.

how are you feeling since you posted?

[Only Human]

Hello again Family   

I knew posting would help me and it did. Thank you all for responding and asking questions. I spent last evening with my best friend NOT talking about DD and GS (well, a little bit but I was careful to not go down the hole... .)

the family will always be here to lift you up.

I believe this with all my heart and soul. This place is the best resource I've found in all the years I've been struggling. Thank you all for being here.

how are you feeling since you posted?

Today is a better day. I forget that when I'm tired, stressed, and hurting, things look grimmer than they actually are. Once every month, for a week, my job is very emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. That ended yesterday. I'm still sad and a little hopeless but coming to accept what I can't change.

Why did she cut out your GS' other grand parents? Were they as aware of her BPD and working to communicate better, as you are?

DD's father has been verbally abusive to DD and, she says, physically. We separated when she was an infant and I've never witnessed any physical abuse but I know that he's got the mindset of, "Stop being mentally ill, handle your business, quit being a baby," and, when things go south, he will not take responsibility - believes DD should apologize "first."

DD cut GS's paternal grandmother out because she believes she allowed GS's father to have contact with GS behind her back.

As for GS's paternal grandfather, he rented her a house then kicked her out after just three months because DD wouldn't accommodate his last-minute request to see GS at Christmas.

A few weeks ago, she cut GS's great-grandmother, DD's father's mother, out after a screaming match on the way to the DMV. Prior to that, GS saw her on a weekly basis. She's the only grandparent I had any hope about in terms of understanding BPD. About a week prior, I gifted GG a book about BPD, can't remember the exact title, but something like The Essential Guide to BPD for Families, in hopes that she would understand and better relate to DD.

Remember DD acknowledged to you she'd hurt GS.

She acknowledged that she'd neglected him, is that what you mean? She adamantly denies that she physically hurt him, that spanking him is not abuse. Or are you talking about when she told me, "The bruises on his legs are from putting his shoes on"? She said that again, a week or so ago, and followed it up with, "He's got low iron so he bruises easily, nothing I can do about that." Her denial is what keeps playing in my head and has me feeling hopeless that she'll ever see that I had good reason to call CPS. To this day, she denies putting her hand on my head and pushing it as I was walking away from her screaming at me when she was an adolescent. She maintains that she didn't lay a hand on me, that I pressed charges because she broke a rule and the police believed me over her.

It's also hard to muster validation when we are hurting, fearful, stuck!

It's super hard but I'm going to look for opportunities. At this time, there is very little interaction between us.

You want her to leave on best of terms, that may help her to do just that. How long did she think she was staying? Trying to understand set expectations.

There was no set time, really. At first, she planned to be here up to six months. She planned to get a job, get a driver license, get "back on her feet," and move out. When it became clear that her BPD was in full bloom, I told her she could stay as long as necessary to take care of her mental health.

When she stopped doing that, I thought seriously about asking her to leave. A month later, I called CPS and placed that thought on hold. Now, here we are.

As for self-care, I'm going to see a movie today, A Star is Born. In the past several weeks, I've wanted to go see a movie but it never worked out. I'd look at the listings and the movie started 20 minutes ago, or nothin caught my eye. I looked last night and will go at 12:30 today.

Tomorrow is my day with GS.

~ OH

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi OH:
First, my heart goes out to you... .to us... .who all try as hard as we can to help our BPD children, grown or not, and their children, too.
Second, My thoughts are that with CPS involved, at least you can know, bottom line, that your GS's welfare and care are being reviewed, so that even if your daughter does move, CPS will require to know where she is and have an active case wherever she is, and continue to look after his care.  As I read your posts, and the anguish, you are still right in feeling like, above all, the interests of this child are first and foremost, even if there are consequences to you for ensuring that. 
I am prayerful that your daughter will see that you prioritized him over both of you and be understanding at some point... .if not today, there are many days between now and forever for that to happen!

Virtual hugs and supporting smiles from me to you.  I really do get it and know that we are all doing the best we can.  Those who don't really care aren't trying to do all of the things we are to make a better way.  How it goes today isn't how it's going to go every day.  I am in a good place with my DD today... .thanks to all the hard work we are doing... .but I know that we've had lots of days that were nothing like today, and I know that every day, going forward, won't be as easy on me as today is.  I am grateful for the good days, and you will have more of them... .I pray sooner than later.

[Only Human]

Hi LotR and thanks for your support.

there are many days between now and forever... .!

This is so simple and so very true. Thanks for the reminder.

An update: GG is here now, playing with GS, so I guess she wasn't cut out completely after all, just put on a time-out for a couple of weeks. I'm glad GG kept trying.

Like you said, Hyacinth Bucket , DD values her time alone a lot and GG has that to offer.

It's almost movie time for me. Therapy later in the afternoon.

I can't thank you all enough. I know each and every one of you knows how grateful I am for you every day.

~ OH

[once removed]

Today is a better day. I forget that when I'm tired, stressed, and hurting, things look grimmer than they actually are. Once every month, for a week, my job is very emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. That ended yesterday. I'm still sad and a little hopeless but coming to accept what I can't change.

i totally understand what thats like. its not necessarily that our problems are either smaller or bigger in our minds, but i find when my body has taken a toll, everything is really intense, everything my mind can imagine (and it tries) weighs on me, theres virtually nothing that could make me feel better at the time, but the next morning, everything at least seems more manageable.

do you think theres depression going on?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed.

[once removed]

i probably dont need to tell you that depression can make even the most basic of functioning seem overwhelming.

are you seeing anyone for it? there are supplements that can really help, too.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi OH,

I can't recall whether you are familiar with the idea of radical acceptance. It's a concept from DBT and originates in Buddhist psychology. Here are two short articles:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-it-really-means-to-practice-radical-acceptance/

It's helped me a lot when I've been really sad to not have the pain/depression be unbearable. Let me know what you think.

[Only Human]

Thanks for the links, HB. The term Radical Acceptance keeps popping up in my life; funny how that works.

I've read the links and it's definitely something I'm interested in because, man, I'm sick of suffering!

I'm less stuck than I was when I posted, less sad, and not as afraid. But I still am all those things. DD's attitude is not helping at all - she's slinging zingers my way daily.

Oh great, you're awake.
Are you going to be here all day?
I was just out for a cigarette, are you just in your room listening for the garage door so you can come out here and catch me not supervising GS?
I don't like it when you come out here when GS and I are doing something.
You always pick the worst times to come out here.
GS WAS eating but you came out and ruined that.

It's endless and exhausting.

On Saturday she asked me if she could have one of my bottled coffees. I said "Yep!"

This evening, when she and GS knocked on my door for GS to say goodnight, GS was holding a coffee and said, "Mommy got this for you," and he handed it to me. I said, "Oh! Mommy got this for me? Thank you, mommy!" DD said, "I was trying to get him to say the whole thing... ."Mommy got this for you because you gave her one of yours." I gave her a hug and said, "Thank you. I love you so so much." She hugged back. I came into my room and cried and cried. I miss her.

~ OH

[once removed]

between the lines, it sounds like shes feeling self conscious, and bad about herself. maybe less about you, yet directed at you, if that makes sense. does that seem on base?

This evening, when she and GS knocked on my door for GS to say goodnight, GS was holding a coffee and said, "Mommy got this for you," and he handed it to me. I said, "Oh! Mommy got this for me? Thank you, mommy!" DD said, "I was trying to get him to say the whole thing... ."Mommy got this for you because you gave her one of yours." I gave her a hug and said, "Thank you. I love you so so much." She hugged back. I came into my room and cried and cried. I miss her.

that both warmed, and broke my heart, OH. it was a loving move you made.

[Only Human]

between the lines, it sounds like shes feeling self conscious, and bad about herself. maybe less about you, yet directed at you, if that makes sense. does that seem on base?

Yes, I think you're right about that.

that both warmed, and broke my heart, OH. it was a loving move you made.

Yeah, mine too.

~ OH