Polar opposite views. What has brought the change of heart, so to speak?
This has been a decision I feel forced in to. When we first broke up I believed there was still hope we might get back together. I was preparing for this. But his behaviour towards me now is final and I think now that getting back together is not an option on the table. So, I need to accept this and go through the detachment process now.
Whats a GP? ... So was this separation mutual?... Staying in contact will promote hope vs uncertainty...
GP is what we call a doctor or personal physician in the UK sorry. So yes I contacted his doctors surgery and told them of my concern for his health.
The separation was not mutual, he left me. Honestly, we didn’t realise (I think both of us) that is was BPD until the very end. He was diagnosed with clinical depression and so we were dealing with the (now known to be) BPD issues like they were depression issues. I was trying to be supportive, kind, positive, sensitive, open with my feelings, and him too, to support the ‘depression’. He ‘episodes’ of withdrawal we attributed to the depression and I looked at his illness as a temporary thing we could get through together and out the other side pretty painlessly. I’ve had a lot of friends and family who have come through depression, I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s certainly doable... Which is why I put up with the outbursts, claims of invalidation and short periods of withdrawal/silent treatment.
It was only on the final break-up where he said... I think my BPD might be back (he was diagnosed and went through DBT 15 years ago well before I met him), that we were both silenced a bit, looking at each other like... “oh... well... now you mention it...”
He left that night, I spent all night on google, found this website and, wow, everything in our relationship was classic BPD relationship style - I don’t think we were quite at codependency yet, but I was definitely enabling some of his schemas though my lack of understanding.
Let us know how counseling goes.
Counselling was a good first step thanks. Although she did note that I spent most of the time talking about him and his emotions and my worry for him. I have high empathy and when I feel sad about the break-up I can’t help but think, wow, he is probably feeling this but 10 times worse. Then I empathise with him.
I know if he had the choice he wouldn’t have this illness, he’d be with me having fun and being happy. A lot of how he has acted appears to be to protect both him and me. I think when he realised it was BPD coming back to the surface he didn’t want me effected by it, which I think is brave and appreciate. Even though it means I lost him and I miss him.
So my feelings... as my therapist said... *eyeroll*
I feel heartbroken. I thought I had found my one, I thought he was amazing, special, intelligent, funny, creative... It was so easy at the start and between the ‘episodes’. I worry I’ll never find someone I love so much again.
I feel stupid, gullible, naive and like I may have lost some self-respect for myself for letting him treat me so poorly at times and putting up with it because “the good still outweighs the bad”. Also for believing everything he said and ignoring the red flags...
I feel anxious and worried for him. I hope he can find peace somewhere and somehow, at least enough peace to live.
I feel worried about my own trauma for the future. Will I be able to trust someone again? How will I know what someone says is true? If they tell me they love me, will I believe them?
I feel used and unimportant. Initially I was showered with compliments and affection, now that’s just gone so quickly. He said he wants to go back to his ex. So now I feel like “the other woman”, like I was insignificant and am just a burden to him.
I definitely felt ‘normal’ before I met him. I was stable on my own, not necessarily looking for a relationship. I’ve had good relationships in the past that fizzled out in a ‘normal’ way, I would say.
I’m knocked now because this relationship came out of nowhere, it swept me up, lifted up my ego to heights I’ve never felt before, feeling ‘love’ and affection like I’ve never experienced, feeling like I could be more than I ever thought I could be. Then it (he) dropped me from the highest high and left my newly heightened ego broken into a thousand pieces on the cold hard floor...That’s how I feel.