Anyone have experience with CE regarding Breasfeeding after 12 months?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Need some advice here from people who may or may not have had experience in this... .

D1 is 13 months old and still breastfeeding with uBPDw.  She has also co-sleeping ever since birth despite constant discussions between the 2 of us prior to L.  I am concerned that visitation through CE will limit time with D1 considering we have 600-700lbs of frozen breast milk in the deep freeze and uBPDw continues to pump.

The argument made by uBPDw is that having overnights with D1 will drastically impact her supply.  I support BF but am concerned with D1 and I bonding.  Right now she will allow me to see D1 2 days a week for 4 hours and 8 hours on weekend.  I count my blessings that she allows me that while minimizing contact and avoiding conflict.

I have been doing a lot of research and its mixed reviews.  Even more minimal when throwing in BPD traits and characteristics.  I am terrified the courts will not be aware of this but L has been in several cases like this which is a huge benefit to me.

I only want whats best for D1 and if D1 was younger I wouldn't have an issue.  However, starting to worry that CE will not be in my favor for D1's best interests as uBPDw is planning to Breastfeed and co-sleep until minimum 2 despite our surplus frozen.

Anyone have any experience in this albeit kinda specific and if so did it impact the bonding experience between you and the child?

[ANewHorizon]

Need some advice here from people who may or may not have had experience in this... .

D1 is 13 months old and still breastfeeding with uBPDw.  She has also co-sleeping ever since birth despite constant discussions between the 2 of us prior to L.  I am concerned that visitation through CE will limit time with D1 considering we have 600-700lbs of frozen breast milk in the deep freeze and uBPDw continues to pump.

The argument made by uBPDw is that having overnights with D1 will drastically impact her supply.  I support BF but am concerned with D1 and I bonding.  Right now she will allow me to see D1 2 days a week for 4 hours and 8 hours on weekend.  I count my blessings that she allows me that while minimizing contact and avoiding conflict.

I have been doing a lot of research and its mixed reviews.  Even more minimal when throwing in BPD traits and characteristics.  I am terrified the courts will not be aware of this but L has been in several cases like this which is a huge benefit to me.

I only want whats best for D1 and if D1 was younger I wouldn't have an issue.  However, starting to worry that CE will not be in my favor for D1's best interests as uBPDw is planning to Breastfeed and co-sleep until minimum 2 despite our surplus frozen.

Anyone have any experience in this albeit kinda specific and if so did it impact the bonding experience between you and the child?

[ForeverDad]

we have 600-700lbs of frozen breast milk in the deep freeze and uBPDw continues to pump.

Seriously?  That much came from ex?   Maybe she should become a sponsor for those who need breast milk?

The argument made by uBPDw is that having overnights with D1 will drastically impact her supply.

Sorry, ex needs someone authoritative (sadly, not you, she won't listen to you) to tell her to express her milk while her daughter is with you if she is concerned about being able to keep up the flow.

Breastfeeding is not a valid claim to block or limit father's parenting time with his child.  Perhaps not all family courts will agree with that but most will.  So stay away from saying mother shouldn't breastfeed since that could make you look unfeeling, instead emphasize the alternatives such as expressing and storing her milk, also stress that you see a not-so-subtle pattern of mother trying to block your normal access to parenting.

Right now she will allow me to see D1 2 days a week for 4 hours and 8 hours on weekend.  I count my blessings that she allows me that while minimizing contact and avoiding conflict.

Why don't you have a court-ordered parenting schedule yet?  Frankly, the only reason to 'block' overnights is if YOU are unstable or at risk of child neglect, child endangerment or child abuse.  The child's age, especially now that your child is a toddler, or the child's method of nursing are irrelevant.

So what this is about is not mother's concern for breastfeeding or her milk supply.  It's her trying to find 'excuses' to limit your parenting time and parenting involvement, perhaps too to prove how invaluable she is as Mother Of The Year (MOTY).  And I bet she transforms it into a hugely emotional claim as well, right?  Lots of emotional conviction, emotional coercion, claims only Mother can do this, but no real substance to it.

[ANewHorizon]

Why don't you have a court-ordered parenting schedule yet?

Waiting on the courts to complete the process so she can get served.

And I bet she transforms it into a hugely emotional claim as well, right?  Lots of emotional conviction, emotional coercion, claims only Mother can do this, but no real substance to it.

You got it buddy!  Claim is that it will break the bond and cause undue emotional stress to D1. 

So stay away from saying mother shouldn't breastfeed since that could make you look unfeeling, instead emphasize the alternatives such as expressing and storing her milk, also stress that you see a not-so-subtle pattern of mother trying to block your normal access to parenting.

Doing exactly that and saying that i am not saying BF is bad.  Just asking for frozen milk to share time with daughter EQUALLY!

On a quick update she has now put in writing that she doesn't want me at D1's doctor visits.  Justification is blame game that i never cared before to attend so why would I want to now!  HA!  Ummm... .i busted a$$ and worked 70hrs a week for the last year so you could stay home for a year because the undue stress of being away from D1 was immesuarble and she couldn't take it.  I guess its the expectation to wipe her a$$ too.

Sorry for theANGER burst just frustrated with the blame game and knowing that fighting it wont don't me any good.  At the end of the day its about D1 until the courts get in gear and we get a temporary parenting plan put in place.

[momtara]

Don't worry - the courts may listen to you (unless you get angry... .)  I think if you are a decent guy who wants quality time with D1, they shouldn't object.  Your ex can pump to keep her supply up.  And it's pretty easy to show that you worked 70 hours a week.  Definitely try to attend some appointments.  I don't think she can really block you.

[vortex of confusion]

The courts tend to follow medical recommendations from what I understand. Since your daughter is 13 months old, that falls outside of the American Pediatric Associations recommendation on breastfeeding.

Here is a link to the APA statement on breastfeeding: www.pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/129/3/e827.full

I couldn't find the APA statement on cosleeping. You might want to check into that because there is a lot of controversy surrounding cosleeping. You could easily bring that up and question its safety.

[ForeverDad]

The American Academy of Pediatrics reaffirms its recommendation of exclusive breastfeeding for about 6 months, followed by continued breastfeeding as complementary foods are introduced, with continuation of breastfeeding for 1 year or longer as mutually desired by mother and infant.

Note that nothing is written there about child needing to be with mother every night.

Yes, and bring at least 4 copies of that web page with you to family court, one for judge, one or two for ex and ex's lawyer and one for your lawyer.  The point is that after reaching one year of age then breastfeeding is considered optional.  Of course there is nothing wrong with continuing BF but you have basis to object if BF claims are used to obstruct your normal involvement in parenting.

My county had an optional "guideline parenting schedule" for children under 3 years of age and the frequent visiting schedule included overnights for the non-primary parent.  It was revised a couple years ago and while it did reduce the total amount of parenting time for the non-primary parent it still included overnights.

I repeat, overnights should be blocked only if you are documented or evaluated to be unstable or a risk to the child.  Sorry, your toddler will not be harmed by missing some overnights with his/her mother.  Sorry, ex's emotional claims are not impartial nor evaluations, that's why courts defer to evaluations by trained and experienced professionals.

[motherof1yearold]

I breastfed for 2.5 years, and at 14 months old is when Ex Bpd H started with overnights. YES, it does dramatically decrease supply. I think it's great baby has already been nourished through the first crucial 12 months with breastmilk, so I must agree that it is no reason to not have overnights now! Though, I will add what our judge said about breastfeeding.

At age 14 months and on, the judge chose to put us on a 1 day on 1 day off schedule because of baby's age and the fact she was still breastfeeding, so be prepared for that. I will also say that our parenting schedule did sort of dramatically speed up the weaning process (Lol) Not all women respond well (or at all) to a pump, so either way her supply will indefinitely begin to dwindle.

[motherof1yearold]

Also, the official statement from the WHO and AAP is 12 months breastfeeding, but preferably 2 years or longer if mutually desired. After 1 year, baby doesn't technically need breast milk or formula to survive.

[Indyan]

I breastfeed my 9 month baby about 4 times a day, going towards twice a day (morning/night). I breastfed my D until 11 months.

The longer the better, and I think it shows that your ex has a natural maternal bond with her baby... .what's wrong with that?

My BPD s2bx has kept annoying me with breastfeeding and it's a nuisance. When babies are small, they need their mums more than anyone else, there will plenty of time for the dads to enjoy the kids as they grow.

[ForeverDad]

Of course there is nothing wrong with breastfeeding, my ex breastfed our son, she stated she would nurse him for 6 months, I encouraged her to continue and she nursed him for 14 months.

The point is that the relationship is unwinding or already being unwound.  Structure in both parents' lives is needed but mother is at least ignoring and probably blocking father's involvement in parenting.  She's doing this by using breastfeeding as an excuse to block him.  Frankly, that's not right.  Refusing overnights, and especially so now that his child is a toddler, is only justifiable if father is seen as presenting a risk of abuse, neglect or endangerment to his child.  There are options such as expressing milk and passing it along at exchanges.  At some point court will set a middle ground, hopefully sooner rather than later, father is already a year behind the times.

When babies are small, they need their mums more than anyone else, there will plenty of time for the dads to enjoy the kids as they grow.

Yes, but not to the near exclusion of dad without basis.  In this father's case, this has all the appearances of restricting him, it has already been a year and he has every reason to worry that she will continue finding excuses to keep him away from his child as more years go by.  Therefore, I fully expect that once court steps in and states father gets overnights that she will make new claims or allegations in an attempt to give up as little to father as possible.

[livednlearned]

I support BF but am concerned with D1 and I bonding.

That's exactly the argument your L needs to make. You probably won't get a big opportunity in court to make much more of an argument than exactly what you just did. The tone of your argument is that you are glad your stbx breastfed the baby, because that is best for baby, and you are especially glad that she has pumped as much milk as she did, so that you can continue to feed the baby breastmilk when baby is with you, and that will assure that your wife's wishes are honored (breastfeeding past one year), while still allowing you time to bond with the baby.

You want to be the reasonable person in court who has reasonable solutions, and that's what you have.

Often, these things come down to the judge and his or her views on this stuff, and it will vary, just like it might vary among people here on this board. It's a hard lesson to learn, but try to not let your wife pull you into arguments that are binary where there is a right way (hers) and a wrong way (yours). Try to look at any conflict as something you have a solution for. Nine times out of 10, she won't have a solution because that's tough for someone with BPD to do. Judges like it when someone shows up in court with a reasonable solution so they don't have to decide for you.

I only want whats best for D1 and if D1 was younger I wouldn't have an issue.  However, starting to worry that CE will not be in my favor for D1's best interests as uBPDw is planning to Breastfeed and co-sleep until minimum 2 despite our surplus frozen.

What is going to help you the most is telling the CE exactly what you said in that first sentence. Just like the judge, the CE is going to have a view on breastfeeding and it's probably going to be one factor among many in deciding what is best for D1, not the primary one. You present yourself as a reasonable guy who wants what is best for D1. See if the CE might have some ideas about how to solve. It won't take a rocket scientist to figure out that 600lbs of frozen breastmilk is all lined up and ready to be stored in your fridge. Even half that will go a long way. Lucky you!

Anyone have any experience in this albeit kinda specific and if so did it impact the bonding experience between you and the child?

Women get a lot of judgment where breastfeeding = good mother. It's also a very intimate and instinctive bonding experience, and it would be extremely upsetting for me to have court get up in my business. Someone with an attachment disorder may have a particularly difficult time. Of course, a BPD sufferer doesn't handle these intense feelings in very productive ways, and divorce is probably triggering all kinds of fireworks that makes it twice as hard to regulate her emotions. Not to mention she sees an opportunity to manipulate the situation to her benefit.

The key is to not let this particular debate rent space in your head. A lot will be out of your hands -- the tender years doctrine is not supposed to play a role in determining custody but it still lives on in many courts, regardless of whether a mother is breastfeeding. Your L should be able to tell you whether your judge has ruled one way or another on similar cases.

Although, if you have not yet had her served, it's more than likely that your ex will find ways to obstruct and delay the process so that breastfeeding is no longer an issue by the time you are legally divorced. That means you need to boss up and make sure your L does not agree to any delays -- make that very clear. And make it clear that you have a bottom line when it comes to the custody schedule. Ask for more time than you think is reasonable because then you can negotiate a little and seem reasonable, and move toward the middle, which is where you planned to land the entire time.  

[Eco]

Just my 2 cents, my ex was exactly like yours (actually worse) she would only allow me to see my daughter at her convenience and if I looked at my ex the wrong way she would throw me out and keep me away from my daughter.

I eventually went to court and got legitimized and set up with visitation, my ex played the breastfeeding card hard and didn't want me getting more then 1 hr 3 times a week with my daughter. when the judge gave me more time then that my ex tried arguing with the judge and he nearly threw her in jail. that was a temp order when my daughter was 9 months old, I got 1 hr 2 times during the week and 4 hrs on every sat.  we went back to court 4 months later and the judge gave me a graduated schedule in 3 phases, phase 1 was march 1st to june 1st where I got 2 hrs on mon and wed in the week and 4 hrs on every sat and sun. on june 1st phase 2 started and I got 2hrs on mon and wed and every other weekend sat at 2pm to sun 6pm. that's the phase im in now,  phase 3 starts on jan 1st and I get every wed for 2hrs and every other weekend fri 6pm to sun 6pm.

my daughter was 15 months old when she did her first overnight, not 1 problem have I had with her sleeping away from mom. I give her breast milk in a sippy cup with no issues.

If my ex had her way my daughter wouldn't have started sleeping over until she was 4 yrs old, that's the proposal she gave the judge. im all for breastfeeding but the relationship with dad is just as important and bonding should be allowed from the beginning just like it is for mom. Im not a big fan of the " there is plenty of time for bonding when she is older" mindset. I feel that fathers are made to feel guilty or looked at as being selfish in these cases. I know I have by my ex , according to her im the worst father walking and all because I want to be a equal part for my daughter.

I had a bad lawyer and didn't get a good parenting plan and I have to go back to court. I would suggest that you fight for as much time as possible and the sooner the better. really think about what outcome you want for the long term, like many say on here its harder to undue whats given so its better to ask for the moon right off the bat. I know I should have because im fighting a uphill battle because I settled for crumbs. 

we have 600-700lbs of frozen breast milk in the deep freeze and uBPDw continues to pump.

Seriously?  That much came from ex? rolleyes  Maybe she should become a sponsor for those who need breast milk?

good lord that's a lot, I agree with FD on that .

[ANewHorizon]

Thanks again everyone for the comments.  Talked with L over the weekend and uBPDw is set to be served tonight when i have D1. 

I know I have by my ex , according to her im the worst father walking and all because I want to be a equal part for my daughter.

Did my UbpD talk to yours?  This is exactly what she told me.  First it was "It's all my fault, and I promise to change."  then after it set in I wasn't coming back "Your the worst father in the world for abondoning me and D1.  You made a vow and you walking out shows your true character of how you never loved me."

Goes to show the black and white thinking.  Of course its not possible to have loved someone and realzied there needs to be peace for D1 despite the hardship.  its either you loved me always and were still here, or you never loved me and made this elaborate plan to ruin me and take everything from me.

This is a crazy rollercoaster for all of us for sure!

[ForeverDad]

First it was "It's all my fault, and I promise to change."  then after it set in I wasn't coming back "Your the worst father in the world for abandoning me and D1.  You made a vow and you walking out shows your true character of how you never loved me."

Goes to show the black and white thinking.  Of course its not possible to have loved someone and realized there needs to be peace for D1 despite the hardship.  its either you loved me always and were still here, or you never loved me and made this elaborate plan to ruin me and take everything from me.

Consider Object constancy