confused?

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board!

When I first came here - I was so confused... .   I didn't know what was going on, it was so hard to wrap my head around.

In MC, the therapist was trying to explain to me my ex didn't have a sense of self.  I remember saying, over and over "I just don't understand" - how is that possible, she is a PhD, brilliant - what does that mean not having a "self".

Over time, I had to accept I may not understand everything, but I had to accept there were way too many similarities that something about the BPD dynamic is happening.

What are you having a hard time wrapping your head around regarding the criteria or behavior that may be keeping you stuck?

Peace,

SB

[causticdork]

Mine is how she seems to "forget" things she did, even if they went on for a long time and were discussed repeatedly.  Sometimes it would be something that had happened an hour ago.  I'm reading that this is common BPD behavior, but even after reading about it, I still don't understand it at all. 

Any insight?

[seeking balance]

Mine is how she seems to "forget" things she did, even if they went on for a long time and were discussed repeatedly.  Sometimes it would be something that had happened an hour ago.  I'm reading that this is common BPD behavior, but even after reading about it, I still don't understand it at all. 

Any insight?

Well, it may be just part of being human - we all forget... .  

Let's take a look at the criteria and see where you may have seen it in her behavior as a maladaptive coping style.  It is possible, she may be dissociating - this happens when a very painful or traumatic experience occurs. 

For example, in MC, my ex had a breakdown about not trusting anyone not to hurt her - it was very intense.  The following week, she didn't remember it.  The MC said she likely dissociated.

Article 2 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Where in the symptoms do you think your ex's memory loss may have fit?

[BorderlineMagnet]

Mine was the whole idea of I may be exactly what she wanted so much, that the fear of me abandoning her and her kids at some point caused her to stray. That whole self-sabotaging thing is so confusing. But I realize they do it our of fear, and they can't really help it.

[sunrising]

I'm doing a lot better after 2+ months since the break-up, but I still struggle with "clinging to the words which were said".  I have never said so much to another partner to express my love.  Before my exwBPD traits, I dated a woman for over 4 years and may have said "I love you" a half dozen times.  I didn't feel strongly enough to say it, even though we had a comparably healthier relationship, so I didn't say it.  In the 2+ year relationship with my exwBPD traits, I told her I loved her every day- usually multiple times- and I meant it.  I wrote several songs about/ for her.  I had never done that for a woman before.  She was also expressive of her feelings towards me at times- at least seemingly so.  We expressed our intention fairly regularly to spend the rest of our lives together.  I had never said anything like that to another woman before; not even close.  I think my previous girlfriends would have been quite shocked (some of them delighted) to hear anything of that nature from me.  It meant so much to me to have someone who made me feel like expressing that type of love and commitment toward them.  I just assumed (mistakenly) that she was feeling the same thing.  I now know that wasn't the case, but it's still hard sometimes- even to this day- not to cling to the words which were said.  The expressions of happiness, the commitment, the idea that we would "be together forever"... .     Having never said those types of things to a woman before, it's still difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that I chose to say them (and truly meant them) to someone incapable of making the same type of commitment.   I've had 6 relationships of over a year in the last 15 years. This was the first time I went "all in".  Swing and a miss... .     But the words were there... .  

[seeking balance]

That whole self-sabotaging thing is so confusing.

I agree - right when everything external that I though may be the stressors seemed to be calming down was really when all the BPD chaos really seemed to let loose.

[causticdork]

Mine would definitely not be anything even close to normal memory lapses.  Last night we were texting and she was angry that I wouldn't go and rescue her when she was sad and she texted me, "I never once glared at you or left you alone when you were crying."  The thing is, the last four months of our relationship any time I cried she would glare at me and then after me begging her to just talk to me or show some sort of emotion or something she would storm out without a word.  After she came back we would talk about it and she would apologize, but she has this ability to convince herself it never happened. Even if it happened regularly and was discussed at length on several occasions.  

When I told her that she glared and walked away numerous times and we fought about and discussed the situation repeatedly she said something about how I didn't get it and forget because I'd never understand.  

[causticdork]

I read through that article but I don't think it's actual disassociation, because she'll remember it long enough to apologize for it.  It's more like a forced amnesia where she lashes out if I start to remind her of something she doesn't want to remember doing.

Like I said, I really don't understand it at all... .  

[seeking balance]

I'm doing a lot better after 2+ months since the break-up, but I still struggle with "clinging to the words which were said". 

Yeah, the words were my Achilles heal when it came time to really leave.  I was so focused on the "marry me" "forever" "love" - my ex was a master of the words and I really believed them all even in the absence of the actions.

What I am learning thought - is many people say one thing and do another... .   I play close attention to actions these days!

[seeking balance]

  It's more like a forced amnesia where she lashes out if I start to remind her of something she doesn't want to remember doing.

Like I said, I really don't understand it at all... .  

Nobody - BPD or not - wants someone to remind them of their shameful moments. 

Shame for a pwBPD is a lot worse than for a non; there is data on the brain activity around emotions that suggests pwBPD feel much deeper/intense.  Shame is a core belief of I am not worthy - in someone like a pwBPD it can be directly related to suicide.

her not remembering would be a maladaptive coping that is actually saving her life rather than sitting in that shame of not being worthy, therefore why should I be here... .  

communicating effectively with a BPD is very important - and validation, not pointing out flaws is more apt to get a response more along the lines you may have wished for.

does that make sense?

[sunrising]

What I am learning thought - is many people say one thing and do another... .   I play close attention to actions these days!

If I'd have "listened" (to her actions rather than her words) the first time she tried to leave me for no apparent reason, or even the 2nd or 3rd time, I'd have saved myself over a year- which included her moving to another state to live with me and plans to move her son with us- and a lot of heartache.

I, too, am going to be more observant of actions and less of words going forward.  Great advice!... .  

[seeking balance]

What I am learning thought - is many people say one thing and do another... .   I play close attention to actions these days!

If I'd have "listened" (to her actions rather than her words) the first time she tried to leave me for no apparent reason, or even the 2nd or 3rd time, I'd have saved myself over a year- which included her moving to another state to live with me and plans to move her son with us- and a lot of heartache.

I, too, am going to be more observant of actions and less of words going forward.  Great advice!... .  

there is a book called The 5 Love Languages - interestingly, words of affirmation is my key "love" language... .   as such, I was primed for the words.

check it out - might help you know what your Achilles heal may be ;-)

[mitchell16]

seeking balance, Mine exBPDgf had me and her read that book togther and she pointed out that my langauge was also words of affirmation. I guess thats why I beleived her words. she told me what I wanted to hear and I beleived her but her actions never showed what her words said. Oh, once in a while but not consistent. what was amazing was she was able to read that about me and wether or not she relized it she used it to her advantage.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi SB,  I am doing much better than I was.  I have not spoken to my ex in a little over 3 months.  This is longest NC I've been with her, and I am ok with it now.  With that said, I sometimes struggle with the false belief that 'love can prevail'.  I know intellectually this is not true, but the romantic or something in me still fights against it at times. 

I suppose it comes down to accepting that which I cannot change.  I cannot 'love' someone into health.  There are a lot of false statements out there about love, aren't there?  To be honest, I don't think I fully understand what love is.  It seems to have something to do with two people being healthy enough and willing to continue to give unselfishly and accept the other for who are they.

[Dave44]

For me I guess it's clinging to the words that were said. The constant over the top professions of love, marriage... .   how she's never felt like this with any guy before etc etc. Here's a great example and one that still haunts me to this day. We were chatting via text one day while I was at work and I was expressing to her how much I was looking forward to Christmas. How for the first time in a long time I wouldn't be alone on Christmas Day and what it meant to me to be spending it with my new loving family. Here is word for word her reply to that text:


"Aww Hun you're not only spending Christmas with a family you've become a part of this family. My girls love my boyfriend so much they want you as their father and I've, finally... .     found the one and only for me. Nothing will ever be the same as life as you knew it. We are a unit now and together forever we'll enjoy every part of this life together. We're so happy to. To finally find our man and have him for our first Christmas together!"



That was on Saturday November 24th. The following Monday (the 26th) after a very minor, simple disagreement she kicked me out leaving me homeless and in a hotel. I have never heard a word from her since. Talk about confusing... .  

[motherof1yearold]

Great post!

So forgive me If I have misunderstood the post but... .  

I have a hard time, like other posts, the BPD "forgetting " things. In my case it is much different, as in theft of very valuable items belonging to me. I have a hard time getting over the projections! SUCH a hard time!

But probably the biggest thing I have a hard time with is the extreme DENIAL of my BPD.  It is so hard to deal with, and I don't know what to do. We are divorced now. And everything is worse than before.  

[Phoenix.Rising]

That's tough stuff, Dave44.  It just plain sucks.  I experienced much of the same sentiment, along the same pattern.  We recycled many times, but the same scenario always played out.  After increasing intimacy and amazing words of affection and devotion, she would break up days later.

As much as it hurts, it helps if you can look more to her illness than to her as being a bad person.  She's not a bad person.  She is very sick.  Intimacy triggers her illness, and she can't help but run from it.  She will likely always do this unless she seeks therapy.  I do understand.  It's terribly confusing and baffling.  Keep educating yourself about the illness and keep posting.  You are not alone.

[mango_flower]

I have a hard time understanding how EVERYTHING I did then was perfect, yet I do exactly the same thing now and I'm a HORRIBLE person... .  

[Phoenix.Rising]

From what I can tell, it could be the way you put a fork in your mouth.  When she started talking about the differences and the things that really bothered her, most of it to me did not have much substance.  In other words, they would not be deal breakers in most people's books.  I think once they start to devalue, it can be anything. 

It was hard not to internalize this and think that if I only did more or tried harder.  I took this approach for a while, and it may have bought me a little time, but really I don't think it did.  It would always be something else.  She had to devalue me to keep from being intimate with me.  I always wanted to draw closer.  She would come close for brief periods, sometimes very close, then run for the hills.  This happened repeatedly until I couldn't take it anymore.