Do we ever really heal?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its coming upon a year that ive  been on these boards.came her pretty beat up as I figured out what was going on... .

Wont go into detail about my story for you newer members.but in a nutshell married to xbpw for 15 years .dumped last year with our 2 kids.left while she went off into to happy land with a guy she met at a poker hall as she was out of state to care for her dying mom

Fast foward. A year later she is a mess injured out of country while on vacation with this guy , claim shes broke and behind 4800 in cs and now I get phone calls of how she hates being in pain always .and shes mesirable.

Me on the other hand .still in lala land at days I blame. Her for destroying our family but its been a year. Decision I make are mine now.I fail its because of me.yes she stirred the pot for our family.with her gone .I acclompish little I should be way more ahead if where I am.I was very codependet and still am .she was a very big part of me... . BPD or not.

I spent the  first few months just in daze I came too a little then a long distant recycling then this accident.then a couple mini recycle... .   ive been through these countless times during marriage.always with the mindset of I can get her back... .  

I know its normal to mourn a rs.at times I know I should be doing a lot better... . and im holding myself back... . im always depressed and not focused... . wonder do we ever heal at all from being in these rs

[BP39]

Its coming upon a year that ive  been on these boards.came her pretty beat up as I figured out what was going on... .

Wont go into detail about my story for you newer members.but in a nutshell married to xbpw for 15 years .dumped last year with our 2 kids.left while she went off into to happy land with a guy she met at a poker hall as she was out of state to care for her dying mom

Fast foward. A year later she is a mess injured out of country while on vacation with this guy , claim shes broke and behind 4800 in cs and now I get phone calls of how she hates being in pain always .and shes mesirable.

Me on the other hand .still in lala land at days I blame. Her for destroying our family but its been a year. Decision I make are mine now.I fail its because of me.yes she stirred the pot for our family.with her gone .I acclompish little I should be way more ahead if where I am.I was very codependet and still am .she was a very big part of me... . BPD or not.

I spent the  first few months just in daze I came too a little then a long distant recycling then this accident.then a couple mini recycle... .   ive been through these countless times during marriage.always with the mindset of I can get her back... .  

I know its normal to mourn a rs.at times I know I should be doing a lot better... . and im holding myself back... . im always depressed and not focused... . wonder do we ever heal at all from being in these rs

[apple]

I don't think the scars from these types of relationships completely go away, but I think the pain goes away with time as you accept and get through all of the emotions.

What has helped me is to focus on my career and what I want for my future and for my kids.  Things seem as though they may be breaking loose and moving in the right direction after two years of hard work and so many struggles. It feels good to have a win!  

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're still struggling BP.

I was very codependet and still am .she was a very big part of me... . BPD or not.

What are you doing to address this? Are you working with a T? What are you doing to get to know you, what you like and what you enjoy? What are you doing to become comfortable with the comfortableness being alone?

[OTH]

It is important to stay active in your life and engage in new social experiences. I think it is easy to get stuck in this. I tried to make a point of getting out and engaging the world again. Joining hiking groups, restaurant tasting groups, etc. I met new people and it gave me more options. After an intense relationship we need to give ourselves a push everyday to get ourselves out the door. If we just stay stuck thinking about it. It might take a long time.

What are doing to move on?

[maria1]

Hey BP39

Yes we do heal. I'm healing and recovering but it's taken me nearly a year and I didn't recycle fully although I did try to be friends. I was only in my r/s less than a year though so not got as much in it as you.

You've got so much going for you my friend. You are one of the strong ones, one of the wise ones. You tell it and see it how it is.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad but I'm not surprised with the stuff your ex is still laying on you.

What's the deal with contact- how do you manage it? I wonder if you could do with some stricter rules for yourself so that you don't have to keep getting pulled back in?

Have you definitely decided you don't want this relationship?

Feeling for you 

[ScotisGone74]

I am saddened to hear your life and family were torn apart BP, but yes, we do heal eventually.   Are we the same ever again?  Definetely Not... .   they change and impact our view on how we see our life, our futures, and everyone in it.   Thats not to say that it is impossible for us to ever get back to a truly happy life, but just exactly how we view happy may be altered.   

You and I may be still hurting, heartbroken, and terribly depressed right now, but if we were hurt, heartbroken,  and terribly depressed with our legs and hands cut off from a horrible auto crash it would be worse... .   I geuss what I'm trying to say is we may need to change our perspectives. 

Work on yourself daily, find some happiness in your life today.   

[bb12]

Hey BP39

Yes - we do heal. I am 12 months on these boards too. First post last April

And the break-up was 9 months before that. In those first 6 months I was in regular contact and it was enormously painful and confusing. I can still access that pain.

I would love to tell you that a bolt of lightning; an epiphany, causes it to all make sense and the pain to stop but there isn't one. Time and NC (LC in your case cos of the kids) are the only tools in our escape kit.

Exercise; exploring our codependency fully; and hanging with solid, reliable, emotionally mature friends are also key.

For me, 6 months ago I noticed a subtle change in my reaction to all of this. I didn't feel the pull as strongly... .   For closure, contact, decency. And I stopped waiting for it. That feeling of waiting was the worst part for me... .   Watching the clock... .   "it's been 5 months, 6 months, 7 months"... .   keeps us stuck on them or the trauma.

Depersonalise it as much as you can. It really was not your fault or ever about you. It is a genuine illness and looking at it like that leads to personal freedom and something nearing forgiveness.

One of these days I reckon you'll have that moment too. And you will feel lighter and find yourself looking forward and no back



Bb12

[OTH]

i really agree with the no lightning bolt moment. The pain just fades. I filled the space she occupied with other activities. It prevented me from thinking about it all the time. The time I spent at home at night was more than enough to think about her. That time I used to just feel the bad emotions and just sit with them. I then got used to them and understood it wasn't going to kill me to still miss her, or be angry at her, or be sad, or to still feel love for her. I never acted on these feelings. I just felt them and let the intensity fade in time. Now I have different friends and different problems to worry about.

Hey BP39

Yes - we do heal. I am 12 months on these boards too. First post last April

And the break-up was 9 months before that. In those first 6 months I was in regular contact and it was enormously painful and confusing. I can still access that pain.

I would love to tell you that a bolt of lightning; an epiphany, causes it to all make sense and the pain to stop but there isn't one. Time and NC (LC in your case cos of the kids) are the only tools in our escape kit.

Exercise; exploring our codependency fully; and hanging with solid, reliable, emotionally mature friends are also key.

For me, 6 months ago I noticed a subtle change in my reaction to all of this. I didn't feel the pull as strongly... .   For closure, contact, decency. And I stopped waiting for it. That feeling of waiting was the worst part for me... .   Watching the clock... .   "it's been 5 months, 6 months, 7 months"... .   keeps us stuck on them or the trauma.

Depersonalise it as much as you can. It really was not your fault or ever about you. It is a genuine illness and looking at it like that leads to personal freedom and something nearing forgiveness.

One of these days I reckon you'll have that moment too. And you will feel lighter and find yourself looking forward and no back



Bb12

[BP39]

Specail thanks to all you that responded ... .

I didnt put in a lot of details about everyting that went on.but I did rent our our home last year so a lot of these emotions are from getting back in there.and digging through a lot of boxes anf memiores and having the kids there without her... .  

So its been tough .Ive really had to change my carrer and trying to get in another area us tough.money is a big issue nowadays

At maria ... . wouldn't call myself strong but I have been through a lot more of than some of these ppl that only did a bf gf thing... . ive only mainted because of ppl like you from all your support... .   thanks for responding

[kampuniform]

Yes, but when you finally negotiate your way successfully away from the pain and chaos to normalcy, the recovery is not as you were anticipating it would be.

Your life will be better, but it will also be a very different sort of place to inhabit than it was before you encountered BPD.

As OTH was mentioning, the emotional bonding eventually withers, and it is then a very protracted fade to black.

Suddenly, you feel awake again, and your thoughts aren’t continuously circumscribed by another person’s debilitative mental condition.  You feel unfettered.

I was involved for a little over three years, and I can comfortably state that I no longer recognize myself.  My life is a very pleasant place to occupy, and I do not regret all the excoriating pain that I had to endure to reach this new vista.

You’ll feel similarly one day, and I wish you a speedy recovery.

[bb12]

As OTH was mentioning, the emotional bonding eventually withers, and it is then a very protracted fade to black.

Suddenly, you feel awake again, and your thoughts aren’t continuously circumscribed by another person’s debilitative mental condition.  You feel unfettered.

I can comfortably state that I no longer recognize myself.  My life is a very pleasant place to occupy, and I do not regret all the excoriating pain that I had to endure to reach this new vista.

Spot on!

We inadvertently recover from things that pre-dated our exBPD

The reward for the work we put in on understanding ourselves, far outweighs the pain of the break-up

My body is less sensitised. I know who my friends are. I don't sweat the small stuff. And I am more in the moment than I can ever remember feeling.

It's really quite remarkable!

Bb12

[maria1]

I think the strongest people are the ones who don't necessarily see their own strength. Part of your recovery will be learning just how strong you actually are.

Sounds tough being in the house but it is part of grieving too because it is part of letting go of the person she was/ you thought she was and the dreams. So hard.

Please keep posting if you feel up to it BP. It's really good to see you around again.

[laelle]

Why do you feel you should be "further ahead" in your grieving than you are?  This is some difficult  to deal with, and everyone deals with it at their own speed.  There is nothing wrong with taking your own sweet time to emotionally and physically grasp it and to let go of it.  I can understand it is a hugely loaded issue as you have children involved and what effect her actions will have on them.

If you feel you should be further ahead, what do you feel you are really stuck on?

In answer to your question... .   yes, we do heal.  My situation is not quite as complicated as yours therefore I dont think it required the depth of acceptance as your situation requires, but every morning I wake up and I get a piece of me back.  Its a new and improved me who will no longer accept things that hurt me from some deep emotional need to save and protect.  I can only control me, and others have to be left to their own mess.  If she is a BPD, she wont grow beyond it if someone is always there to bail her out.

Keep enjoying your life.  Your doing all you can, and doing a great job of it.  Go easy on yourself.