Things are not too bad

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been 5 weeks since uBpdSO and I had a huge "argument" and consequently he dysreguated whereupon he didn't speak for days and he proclaimed our r/s was toxic.

I was in complete FOG.

I always assume he really means it "this time". He has "gotten rid" of me twice before, once for 6 months and we reconciled at his suggestion and another time for a week and again he suggested that I should come back. There have been many episodes when I thought he doesn't really want to be with me.  I have in the past always thought that this time we really will separate. However, I have now discovered this site and it really has done me wonders to read the lessons and everyone's accounts of their life with a SO with BPD.

I have been far more relaxed and taken time for myself rather than focused on what SO next move was going to be.

Gradually we are getting a little more connected. He caught himself saying "we're good, we're good" which he does as a way of reassuring himself that life is OK.

We nearly had a scene when I bought the wrong thing to hang brackets from the wall. He started on me that "I don't listen'. ( I now see this as a projection because I am actually the one who does most of the listening) ... .I felt myself feeling belittled and in the past I probably would have Jaded but now because I am finally aware that that is what I was doing... .this time I didn't. I just swallowed the insults, got in the car and went and changed the damn things. It was fine. No explanations no escalations.

As I have come to understand, our relationship will never be the fairy tale (and what r/s is ever that good) but I believe that it is possible for us to exist in relative BPD harmony. OK OK till the next time. Born optimist that's me.

[townhouse]

It's been 5 weeks since uBpdSO and I had a huge "argument" and consequently he dysreguated whereupon he didn't speak for days and he proclaimed our r/s was toxic.

I was in complete FOG.

I always assume he really means it "this time". He has "gotten rid" of me twice before, once for 6 months and we reconciled at his suggestion and another time for a week and again he suggested that I should come back. There have been many episodes when I thought he doesn't really want to be with me.  I have in the past always thought that this time we really will separate. However, I have now discovered this site and it really has done me wonders to read the lessons and everyone's accounts of their life with a SO with BPD.

I have been far more relaxed and taken time for myself rather than focused on what SO next move was going to be.

Gradually we are getting a little more connected. He caught himself saying "we're good, we're good" which he does as a way of reassuring himself that life is OK.

We nearly had a scene when I bought the wrong thing to hang brackets from the wall. He started on me that "I don't listen'. ( I now see this as a projection because I am actually the one who does most of the listening) ... .I felt myself feeling belittled and in the past I probably would have Jaded but now because I am finally aware that that is what I was doing... .this time I didn't. I just swallowed the insults, got in the car and went and changed the damn things. It was fine. No explanations no escalations.

As I have come to understand, our relationship will never be the fairy tale (and what r/s is ever that good) but I believe that it is possible for us to exist in relative BPD harmony. OK OK till the next time. Born optimist that's me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

It's been 5 weeks since uBpdSO and I had a huge "argument" and consequently he dysreguated whereupon he didn't speak for days and he proclaimed our r/s was toxic.

I was in complete FOG.

I always assume he really means it "this time". He has "gotten rid" of me twice before, once for 6 months and we reconciled at his suggestion and another time for a week and again he suggested that I should come back. There have been many episodes when I thought he doesn't really want to be with me.  I have in the past always thought that this time we really will separate. However, I have now discovered this site and it really has done me wonders to read the lessons and everyone's accounts of their life with a SO with BPD.

Townhouse, this sounds like good progress.  I had this experience early in my relationship, before I was aware of BPD.  When he would get angry, I would think, " this is it, it is over."  But, gradually, I learned that with space and a little time, things would come back around.

I have been far more relaxed and taken time for myself rather than focused on what SO next move was going to be.

Great!  Doesn't it feel good to take care of yourself? 

Gradually we are getting a little more connected. He caught himself saying "we're good, we're good" which he does as a way of reassuring himself that life is OK.

We nearly had a scene when I bought the wrong thing to hang brackets from the wall. He started on me that "I don't listen'. ( I now see this as a projection because I am actually the one who does most of the listening) ... .I felt myself feeling belittled and in the past I probably would have Jaded but now because I am finally aware that that is what I was doing... .this time I didn't. I just swallowed the insults, got in the car and went and changed the damn things. It was fine. No explanations no escalations.

No JADEing has worked for me, too.  I normally have good intentions and want to explain myself, but it doesn't help and just makes me feel more anxious and gives him more to grumble about.

As I have come to understand, our relationship will never be the fairy tale (and what r/s is ever that good) but I believe that it is possible for us to exist in relative BPD harmony. OK OK till the next time. Born optimist that's me.

I am naturally optimistic, too.  Maybe that is how we can start new again and again. So happy you have found more harmony.  Keep up the good work and keep taking care of yourself.

[waverider]

well done it sounds like you have an healthy attitude

As I have come to understand, our relationship will never be the fairy tale (and what r/s is ever that good) but I believe that it is possible for us to exist in relative BPD harmony. OK OK till the next time. Born optimist that's me.

If you can get rid of unnecessary conflict and escalations you will be well on your way to a decent RS. From there acceptance comes easier , there will be frustrations, that is to be expected, but if you can prevent those compounding into resentment it will prevent the rot from setting in

[Rockylove]

We nearly had a scene when I bought the wrong thing to hang brackets from the wall. He started on me that "I don't listen'. ( I now see this as a projection because I am actually the one who does most of the listening) ... .I felt myself feeling belittled and in the past I probably would have Jaded but now because I am finally aware that that is what I was doing... .this time I didn't. I just swallowed the insults, got in the car and went and changed the damn things. It was fine. No explanations no escalations.

I have done this more times than not... .but I'm also aware that I've felt resentment about it too.  I know that we all have to chose our battles (even in a non-BPD relationship).  I just need to make sure that I'm setting good boundaries and not just trying to placate him while compromising my integrity.  It's a fine line and I'm still trying to figure it out.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Rockylove, I know what you mean.  I feel resentment at these types of situations.  Sometimes these situations happen to me because i am trying to do too much to please. Then if my efforts to please are not sufficiently appreciated, i feel hurt. 

My new take on this -  If he wants brackets then let him shop for them, right?  Otherwise, if it is my project then I shop for what I would like.  If on the other hand, i agreed to pick something up and unknowingly got the wrong thing, no big deal.  Before I would have JADEd and made things worse.

For example, if i pick something up for dinner and get home with it - husband doesn't want it. I used to JADE.  Then a simple situation would escalate to an uproar.    Now my attitude is well if you want something different you will have to make it/buy it yourself.  No resentment. 

I am learning.  It is such a process, isn't it.

[Cat Familiar]

No JADEing has worked for me, too.  I normally have good intentions and want to explain myself, but it doesn't help and just makes me feel more anxious and gives him more to grumble about.

Isn't it amazing how automatic the action of explaining oneself can be? It was a lifelong habit for me and such a knee-jerk pattern that I didn't even realize I was doing it. I completely understand how astonishing it is to have actions that we intended to be either helpful or completely benign be interpreted as an attack or sabotage. Good for you that you've nipped the JADEing habit in the bud.