pretty sure elderly mother has BPD

[zone out]

As I write this brief post I am almost shaking (in my mid 50s!)... . took me several visits to the site to get round to registering.  I am quite terrified of my mother's extreme moods, I can tell by her expression before she utters a word, it takes so little to set her off, it could even be a sales phone call, a routine letter.  There is no opportunity to try and get any medical intervention - she is fine! it is the rest of the world which has wronged her!

Trying to reason is useless - (don't lecture me!), pleading (stop being so stupid!) - I have tried to set boundaries but this did not go well, there is nobody to take up the slack and how can you walk out and leave someone (who is going to die tonight!).  I'm not sure how much of the hysteric behaviour is genuine or tailored to manipulate me as her physical health is standing up well, probably better than my own.

I do my best to minimize damage to my own family, although I am sure that the presence of an occasionally withdrawn preoccupied mother in their lives is not ideal - it is so hard to pull down a shutter and always act normally at home.

The only coping strategy I have used with any degree of success is ... . thinking ahead of things which might trigger her and acting proactively.  I do feel sympathy for her too - I would hate to be inside her head - I always try to make the most of her good days.

I think the high functioning type where people can appear normal to outsiders is somewhat of a challenge, I know she could put on a front to fool doctors etc - if I try and get any help (woe betide me I should do anything behind her back, I have been well warned!) clinicians would probably just think I am paranoid.  

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi zone out,

I'm glad you found our community, and decided to register.  I'm sorry that things are so edgy with your mother right now, I can understand your shakiness in writing about it!  You came to the right place for support.  There are members here who have parents with BPD and understand what you are going through.  We have lots of tools which can help your relationship, and help you feel better.

Do you live near your mother?  How much interaction do you have with her?  Do you have a good support system, like a therapist, friends and/or family whom you can turn to?

Here are some links that may be helpful for you: Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

and Radical Acceptance for family members

Please keep posting, and let us know how we can support you.  We care. 

heartandwhole

[laelle]

Hello zone out,



Awww, your post has brought tears to my eyes.  I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I cant imagine how difficult it must be for you dealing with your

elderly mother with possible BPD.  You are a truly inspirational human being to have taken on this responsibility, but you should not take this on alone.  Is there no help to be had in the community?  Is your mother living with you?  What kind of things do you enjoy doing to relax?

Please take a little time for yourself and take care of you.  You are important, and so is your health.  You can also not help her if you arent taking care of yourself.

Hope to hear from you soon,

 Laelle

[zone out]

I'm really glad I found this site - very helpful to read of the wide ranging experiences of others.  Thankfully my mother is physically well enough to live at home with me living close by and visiting regularly ... . but she lives in my head even when I am not with her! way more than I should let her.  I know I need to find some way of detaching - it is not healthy to allow someone to control your life with their moods... . the strategy I am using currently is trying to regard the twisted enmeshed relationship we have as another 'project' to be addressed.

[Clearmind]

Walking out of the room, leaving the house, hanging up the phone are all boundaries which may help you if she escalates.

The only coping strategy I have used with any degree of success is ... . thinking ahead of things which might trigger her and acting proactively.

Coping strategies are to help you zone out – not to make you walk on eggshells. If there is a fall out then Mom needs to deal with it. What you may need to work through is the guilt and obligation that comes with triggering her - not your fault.

How much time do you spend with her? What role do you play in her life? How old is she?

[kikkismama]

I wonder do they ever just get tired of all the chaos they cause? I moved out just about 1 year ago and it has been difficult at times due to the guilt. I had to meet with mother yesterday to sign papers because she changed her Will! Of course it is Top Secret as to the changes but " They are good she says".  I also felt sad because we show no affection as in hugs or kiss when we see each other. I have spent so many years of my life hoping to have a normal relationship with my mother. Sad to say, we never had nor will we. My family is broken up since dads passing and mother being borderline.

[zone out]

I have often wondered myself about the chaos - I can often see a fiery outburst building - restlessness, mild agitation etc and then afterwards everything is more settled - until the next time.  I don't know if anyone else notices this.  I have had the odd half hearted apology but on the whole Mum either doesn't remember details of her wild accusations or alternatively chooses not to.  It is almost like she inhabits two different worlds.  Of course when things have settled it's difficult to risk upsetting everything by bringing it up.  Although on reading Walking on Eggshells, that is obviously the time to do it.  I think I will be honing my technique somewhat prior to opening any discussions with her!

I know in my heart of hearts that I am motivated by duty more than genuine affection and real concern.  Reading Walking on Eggshells I think will help understand what the BPD is going through - I think it might help me become more sympathetic and understanding of her situation - I will in time feel less victimized I hope! Sometimes I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a large truck!

[cerequas]

One of the best books I have read about some of this is "Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent".  It even has an Appendix that mentions PDs.

Jennifer C