How to not set off the bomb

[Coastgirl]

I find that I can never say the right thing and I am always causing my pwbpd pain.

He is very emotionally dysregulated most of the time. He yells at me for asking how his day was or if he is doing ok. If I offer to sit next to him and talk he tells me that he cannot be vulnerable with me and starts yelling about me not listening. This always evolves into him crying - by this point I am frustrated so I am not as genuine as I would be typically and struggle to be compassionate. Which makes him more upset. When I leave to calm down and come back later he is still mad and just starts yelling or sobbing.

When he has good days I don't bring it up because I want both of us to have a good day. I realize that makes him feel like he is invisible and not cared for.

He quit his job three months ago and won't leave the couch except to see his therapist once a week - which I am grateful for. I have approached medication or inpatient treatment but he won't consider it.

We are going to lose everything soon and I can't do anything more to stop it. I want to do more to support him, but everything I do is wrong. Somedays I want to shake him or leave and others I want to hug him. After 13 years I would like to salvage our relationship, but I don't think I will ever do anything right in his eyes. I literally have no idea what to do.

In the meantime I am alone and cannot share anything with him. I know he didn't ask for this and doesn't want to feel this way. I am tired of being the doormat and don't think I can take much more. I know my communication could be better. I need to not take the things he says so personally. I wish someone could talk to him but he has pushed everyone away. I am just at a loss.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are exceedingly difficult. It sounds like your partner is barely functional. When at the edge of being dysregulated, it sounds like it doesn’t take much to set him off.

Living with someone like this is unbearably stressful. You say you’d like to improve your communication—we all do—and I liken it to learning a foreign language because often normal communication skills just don’t work with pwBPD.

Here’s a quick video that might help you https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Coastgirl]

Yes it is unbearably stressful. I hate that you are right. If there is any chance I have to find away to communicate through my own triggers. It does feel hopeless as I feel like I am running on empty. I don't know how much more I can be expected to give but I also don't have a way out.

[Cat Familiar]

The most difficult thing I struggled with was the unfairness of it all and my anger about that.

I had a BPD mom, my first marriage was to an abusive BPD/NPD husband and then my wonderful new husband had revealed himself to be yet another PwBPD!

I was incensed and angry that the burden of making things better fell upon my shoulders. But now, a few years later, things are great for the most part, with an occasional BPD blip that is easily ignored.

I won’t lie to you. It was really hard to get over my anger. But when I discovered that things got so much better the more I learned and the more I utilized the tools we teach here, the math became obvious. Do I want to be angry or do I want a more pleasant relationship?

[Cat Familiar]

I had been a doormat in my first marriage and I sure wasn’t gonna do that again. What I hadn’t learned in my childhood was boundaries

And if you don’t have boundaries, your BPD partner won’t respect you and this will further compound the feelings of despair.

It’s never too late to instigate boundaries, but I suggest you start with one at a time. What is the most important issue that you could set a boundary about?

[Coastgirl]

Yes I totally agree. I struggle with personal boundaries and am a pretty open person. The boundary that I feel is the most needed is walking away from the insults. That might be a big place to start but it is the most important to my wellbeing and my feelings towards him.

[Cat Familiar]

So let's practice a situation. How would the dialog go between you?

[Coastgirl]

I feel like with where we are today the most important thing is to provide him with consistency and support. I looked at SET and thought I could say
I want you to have a calm and peaceful day. I know you have been put through a lot this week and need to relax. I put your drinks in the fridge and I am going to work in my office. Can you think of anything else that would make your day successful?

I have a hard time using SET without it sounding fake. He has been silent the past couple days and I know he is frustrated with me. I also think he doesn't trust himself not to say something that is hurtful to me.
I have realized after doing a ton of reading that I struggle to read between the lines of what he is saying and what he is feeling. I do not want to be overbearing and have unreasonable expectations.
I have a ton on my mind just with my stuff so I need to be able to focus and work but he also needs to get what he needs today to feel supported. 

I know I am all over the place in this message. It's just where I am at.

[Cat Familiar]

OK, I'll give it a shot, but I'm not too great with SET either, as my husband will automatically note that it doesn't typically fit my style of talking. That's why we have lots of tools to choose from. My best strategy is not being  invalidating

SET Sympathy, Empathy, Truth

S= I know you've been through a lot this week.
E= You probably need time to relax.
T= I put your drinks in the fridge and I'm going to work in my office.

What you start with, even though it's well intentioned, sounds a bit like a command.  I want you to have a calm and peaceful day.

And the last sentence, "Can you think of anything else that would make your day successful?" presumably is asking him to make his day successful.

It sounds like nitpicking, but lots of times people with BPD will pick up on these implied commands and communication goes sideways.

[Coastgirl]

You called it Cat. I gave it a shot and he is definitely still very hurt and upset. He told me that I bring nothing to the table for suggestions. I just ask him what to do. I do always ask his input and I am reluctant to share my suggestions because he shuts them down.
He told me he is only here because he has to be. He doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He feels that he has been begging for help and he has wasted time trying to get me on board when he could have been helping himself. I know that I was doing the best I could with the information given but I accept his feelings. He has never said something like this to me before. I can't help but think its too late. I feel like I need to make a big gesture to prove to him that I am here but I cannot think of what that might be.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you thought about giving him exactly what he is asking for? Not seeing or talking to him?

With the pandemic, that would be difficult to accomplish, but you can make yourself somewhat scarce and engage with him minimally.

It might be that doing so, he will figure out that he actually does want to see you and talk with you.

You could say something like, “I understand that you don’t want to see me or talk with me. I will try to honor your request as best I can, given the current circumstances.”

It would be an interesting experiment.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Coastgirl!

Cat’s making some very good points here. I don’t pretend to be an expert but something I’ve learned from my time on the boards and in my own relationship is how important it is to listen. When your H tells you what he needs, the best thing you can probably do is listen. If you go on and push, it can come across as invalidating.

He wants space? Give it to him. You don’t have to go cold or give the silent treatment. There are ways to stay open, but keep distance. He may genuinely need that time to self-soothe. I know it’s not easy. Especially if you’re a natural caretaker. But what if you took that time to care for yourself? Reach out to friends or family. Take up a new hobby. Fill your own cup. Then when he’s ready to reconnect you’ll be better fueled for that.

As I said, it’s not easy. I, too, would get super-anxious and want to soothe my H. But here’s the thing I learned: I can’t do it. Not all the time, anyway. And by always trying, I was training my H to look to me as his rescuer. Not healthy or sustainable.

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our loved ones is step away.

What do you think about trying what Cat suggests?

Hang in there!

[Coastgirl]

I think after today's conversation you are both right. I don't have anywhere to stay the night but I can stay away and give him as much space as possible. I will be kind and available but I am just going to take care of myself. He is making it very clear that I am not welcome at this point. I will keep educating myself on what he is dealing with but stop trying to engage.

[Coastgirl]

I am dealing with my own codependency issues I think. I see how far he is pulling away and I fear that this is it. I just know I can't control it anymore. 

[Ozzie101]

That’s got to be scary. My situation is a little different in that he’s way more afraid of my pulling away. But I understand.

That’s where self-care comes in. The stronger you are, the more centered you are, the better you’ll be able to handle these situations.

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s a good article on codependency

Many, perhaps most of us on this site, are/have been codependent or caretakers. It’s a personality type that often pairs with people with BPD.

What seems helpful and caring to us is often misunderstood or misinterpreted by pwBPD. When our attempts are unsuccessful, often we try harder, but keep doing the same thing instead of trying a different approach. Then we find ourselves exhausted and emotionally depleted.

One thing about codependents is that we try really hard. Sometimes backing off and giving things a rest is a much more productive strategy.