Intimacy

[going places]

My Life/Soulmate will be an individual who is completely secure and happy with herself as an individual and is not in NEED of a relationship to be happy. That is my goal for myself in my recovery. When two people like this come together. The love they have for themselves will compliment each other as a couple. If it doesn't happen I will be single and just as happy.

I have said more than once over the last 25 years "I should have married a Marine".

I have a similar goal.

Heal, get a firm grip on "me" and "my hopes, dreams, future".

IF (and that's a big one) I were to enter into a 'more than friends, but not married yet' type of relationship, it's gonna be (1) healthy (2) with someone who can stand on their own two feet, make a decision, have integrity, honor, courage; honesty. (3) someone who WANTS to spend time with me, because they actually enjoy spending time with me; not to just drain me dry to satisfy themselves.

Should be interesting!

Jeremiah 29:11 ... .Amen!

My fav verse Rom 8:28 and the following means a lot to me Psalm 126:4-5

MWC... .

Plans to prosper, not harm.

Never will I leave nor forsake.

Those words are my 'manna'!

[RedDove]

I do believe mine was intimate during the first 3-6 months. Another poster described it as being high schoolers. That's how it felt to me, like young puppy love. He was always excited to see me. When he arrived at my hours he'd give me a big hug and kiss with an ear-to-ear smile like a little kid in a candy store!

We would sit on the couch and he would place his hand on the small of my back and rub it. He would always hold and kiss my hand. Most times I would be sitting on the couch and he'd lay in my lap. He liked having his head and face stroked, said it was transcendence of intimacy to him. When we went out to eat, he always sat next to me vs. across from me. When we would go for a walk, he always placed me on the inside, as if protecting me should a car come towards the sidewalk.

Our sex life was amazing. He didn't want it all of the time, actually less than I would of liked. But, when he did it felt deeply connected... .undressing one another, taking care of my needs before his. Deep passionate kissing and looking into each others eyes. After we would cuddle, talk, and lay in each others arms for hours.

The one thing that always was off in the bedroom was his ability to become aroused. We'd undress one another, be naked in bed, touching and kissing and he didn't get aroused. He'd take care of me and then I'd always have to take care of him in order to have intercourse. It got to the point where I felt he held back and controlled himself and his arousal on purpose so I would have to take care of him. I tried bringing up the topic of ED once (he was in his 50's), but he raged and I got the silent treatment for a week until I apologized! So in retrospect, knowing now that he suffers from BPD, perhaps what I perceived as intimacy wasn't and really was just an act on his part.

[apollotech]

My BPDexgf of seven months had no idea of what real intimacy was about. In our brief time together she never showed any affection towards me in a spontaneous manner. She never just walked up to me and kissed me, never grabbed my hand to hold it, hugged me, snuggled with me, sat in my lap, etc. All of those types of bondings were iniated by me. We never had intimacy during sex. The sex was great, but that's all it was. It was never fulfilling, always an empty promise. I think that she thought that sex was intimacy. That was about as close as she would come to being vulnerable. To say the least, it was a very unfulfilling adult physical experience. Quantity definitely will not trump quality!

[Jack2727]

My BPDexgf of seven months had no idea of what real intimacy was about. In our brief time together she never showed any affection towards me in a spontaneous manner. She never just walked up to me and kissed me, never grabbed my hand to hold it, hugged me, snuggled with me, sat in my lap, etc. All of those types of bondings were iniated by me. We never had intimacy during sex. The sex was great, but that's all it was. It was never fulfilling, always an empty promise. I think that she thought that sex was intimacy. That was about as close as she would come to being vulnerable. To say the least, it was a very unfulfilling adult physical experience. Quantity definitely will not trump quality!

I'm starting to wonder whether or not there are two types of BPD's in regards to sexual intimacy. The above statement almost completely mirrors my ex.

She was very sexual in the beginning but it was almost like a tease. She didn't want to have sex right away. Apparently, she had made all the guys she wound up with wait a long time. We never made out. She never wanted to fool around. Occasionally she would want to self pleasure but that was few and far between. She would hold my hand pretty often. The few times we did have sex it was very emotionless. Anytime I showed emotion it seemed to turn her off. She never wanted to shower together, never came over and sat on my lap. Was just very closed off. She never wanted to cuddle. She never slept close to me. She was also a very light sleeper. She needed ambiant noise to sleep. Many times she would wind up on the couch.

It just seems like there are the typical BPDs who are extremely sexual and there are the others who are very repressed and are more asexual.

[JRT]

Just a thought - Was anyone here ever REALLY intimate with their BPD. I mean REAL intimacy. I never had that. I thought we did at first but we didn't - We never sat together holding hands (unless I wanted to). When we were with people, we never sat together like a couple or held each other. She never came up to me and hugged me or kissed me just because she wanted to for no reason. We never kissed halo, we never spontaneously had sex after starting by kissing etc. I was NEVER made to feel like I'm special after the first month or so. I was never her team mate or equal. It was all to please her, or to manipulate me. I don't think they can ever have real intimacy. They don't understand it.

Yes , we shared all those warm intimate things all the time.  Held hands always.  His hand on my leg as we drove.  Kissed deeply. He held doors for me and would hug me as we waiting in restaurants.  He was always rubbing my leg.  Embraced warmly and really held one another there in wordless closeness.  We both felt it all in those moments. He would say this many times and I know it was not true mirroring bc you cant make up that type of palpable emotion and warmth. It was there.  Yes there were the very hard things too like the splittings, push pulls, projections.  What made so much about the r/s difficult was despite the really hard behaviors , we always shared the intimate ones too.   Right up till the day he up and left. 

Mine as well, up until the last time I saw her. But I am not sure that the word intimacy is being used int he proper context. I might be wrong here, but physical, emotional and mental intimacy are all quite different. Physical intimacy is something that can be either faked, done as a matter of habit, or within the context of carnal need. I think that it is mental and emotional closeness that pwBPD cannot achieve and fear.

Mine as all about holding hands and such but I could never even venture a guess as to what her inner thoughts were... .what her favorite color was... .if she preferred summer to fall... .what she looked forward to doing in retirement... .what she feared the most... .what made her the most happy and so on. Even within the context of sex, she found it impossible to express her thoughts regarding what pleased her and what did not. Matter of fact, I recall that she thought that it was awkward and strange, for example, to share with ones partner during sex their thoughts about what was working and what was not.

[Jack2727]

Just a thought - Was anyone here ever REALLY intimate with their BPD. I mean REAL intimacy. I never had that. I thought we did at first but we didn't - We never sat together holding hands (unless I wanted to). When we were with people, we never sat together like a couple or held each other. She never came up to me and hugged me or kissed me just because she wanted to for no reason. We never kissed halo, we never spontaneously had sex after starting by kissing etc. I was NEVER made to feel like I'm special after the first month or so. I was never her team mate or equal. It was all to please her, or to manipulate me. I don't think they can ever have real intimacy. They don't understand it.

Yes , we shared all those warm intimate things all the time.  Held hands always.  His hand on my leg as we drove.  Kissed deeply. He held doors for me and would hug me as we waiting in restaurants.  He was always rubbing my leg.  Embraced warmly and really held one another there in wordless closeness.  We both felt it all in those moments. He would say this many times and I know it was not true mirroring bc you cant make up that type of palpable emotion and warmth. It was there.  Yes there were the very hard things too like the splittings, push pulls, projections.  What made so much about the r/s difficult was despite the really hard behaviors , we always shared the intimate ones too.   Right up till the day he up and left. 

Mine as well, up until the last time I saw her. But I am not sure that the word intimacy is being used int he proper context. I might be wrong here, but physical, emotional and mental intimacy are all quite different. Physical intimacy is something that can be either faked, done as a matter of habit, or within the context of carnal need. I think that it is mental and emotional closeness that pwBPD cannot achieve and fear.

Mine as all about holding hands and such but I could never even venture a guess as to what her inner thoughts were... .what her favorite color was... .if she preferred summer to fall... .what she looked forward to doing in retirement... .what she feared the most... .what made her the most happy and so on. Even within the context of sex, she found it impossible to express her thoughts regarding what pleased her and what did not. Matter of fact, I recall that she thought that it was awkward and strange, for example, to share with ones partner during sex their thoughts about what was working and what was not.

Yeah, Sounds like my ex E to a tee.

It was all sorts of intimacy with my ex. The sexual stuff but also the emotional intimacy. Funny enough, that was one of the things she said to me that she didnt feel like we had a deep relationship. LOL... .

[Gonzalo]

Mine hated attempts at mental intimacy. I remember some of our most confusing fights were just me trying to understand something simple about her. For example, we got into walking together, and she seemed keen on the idea of walking to a semi-near restaurant for dinner sometime. Then I broached the idea later, and she didn't want to do it, so like a good partner and fool I asked her why she didn't want to do it, if it was just a mood today or if she had changed her mind. She tore into me, nastily spitting out how much she hated the idea, shouting at how I was trying to control her and harassing her for having her own opinion, and I think telling me that I'm not her father. And of course, this is a giant screaming fight that ends with us in separate rooms for days and I think I ended up apologizing for it. All this just for wanting to do something nice together, and trying to figure out what she liked and didn't like about the idea so I could modify it or ditch it.

Oh and the best part? A couple of months later we were trying biking, and she says 'oh, biking to that restaurant might work, that would let you do your idea' like there wasn't a giant multi-day fight hanging in the air over the idea.

[ziniztar]

I was with dBPDxbf this weekend and he told me he was really frightened about Monday. He is getting his own business and signing the lease today.

Today I texted him good luck, that it would be rocky and difficult but that he will be able to tackle whatever crosses his road. His reaction: "Pffffff"

We were getting too close & intimate on an emotional level so it makes perfect sense why he has to push me away now. It's a lot easier on the outside though! At first I was a little annoyed and thought of texting back all kinds of reactions varying from getting mad for his lack of understanding I meant it well, to further asking why he reacted in such a way. I now realize that is all reacting directly - and continuing the dance.

I said: "Nice and enthousiastic reaction :P" with a smile to let him know I'm not mad. A T told me that because simply not responding at all could also send the message it's okay to behave in such a way and gives me the feeling I let people treat me like garbage. This way it's out of my system without it further escalating the situation, plus he's not getting what he aimed for with his behaviour: me getting mad or taking a step back.

I now also see that if I lay low for a few days now he will get past the emotion.

Why am I still in contact with him and thinking about this? Because I care for him, and am not sure if we will never get back together. He's had therapy and is quite aware of his behaviour. I just don't know what happens in the next few years - but we sure won't get back together within 1,5 years - housing and work simply will not allow for it. It's a safe boundary to investigate and try new behaviour on each other and see if it works.