First time poster

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All,

First time here.  Going through divorce after 10 year marriage and still living with spouse, no children.  Did not know about BPD until ~6 months ago.  Finally an explanation!  Feeling in pain and hurting.  Learning every day.  My wife woke up one morning and told me she is not happy and wants a divorce because I abandoned her.  Total denial about her role in anything and completely blamed me for it all.

Strange to say, I feel fortunate to still be living together as it has allowed some of my denial to be unmasked as I can now clearly associate behaviors and conversations with the traits of BPD. 

Knowledge does not comfort the hurt.  Scared to lean on friends, they have heard it all for last 5 years and have been polite but can't understand why after all that has happened I just haven't moved on etc... .  Our therapist of 5 years is nice but clueless on BPD and has normalized abusive behavior, gaslighting and insanity.

I have good days and bad days, today a bad one.  Feeling sad and know that anything I try to do to change situation is going to work against me.  Having an "I don't want to be alone again" time but know that this is my future and I must accept reality not fantasize about what I thought was my marriage.

J

[joeramabeme]

Hello All,

First time here.  Going through divorce after 10 year marriage and still living with spouse, no children.  Did not know about BPD until ~6 months ago.  Finally an explanation!  Feeling in pain and hurting.  Learning every day.  My wife woke up one morning and told me she is not happy and wants a divorce because I abandoned her.  Total denial about her role in anything and completely blamed me for it all.

Strange to say, I feel fortunate to still be living together as it has allowed some of my denial to be unmasked as I can now clearly associate behaviors and conversations with the traits of BPD. 

Knowledge does not comfort the hurt.  Scared to lean on friends, they have heard it all for last 5 years and have been polite but can't understand why after all that has happened I just haven't moved on etc... .  Our therapist of 5 years is nice but clueless on BPD and has normalized abusive behavior, gaslighting and insanity.

I have good days and bad days, today a bad one.  Feeling sad and know that anything I try to do to change situation is going to work against me.  Having an "I don't want to be alone again" time but know that this is my future and I must accept reality not fantasize about what I thought was my marriage.

J

[Turkish]

Hello joeramabeme,

I also received similar words, "you abandoned me... ." I got exhausted being an emotional caretaker.

If you're going through the divorce, what's the status now? Do you sense any hope of reconciliation?

Living together through this process can be tough, and members' experiences vary. I lived with my Ex for four months until she could move out, and it was emotionally devastating. The communication tools here (see the right sidebar) helped keep conflict to a minimum. They also helped (and still do) my relationship with her post split. Sometimes taking a step back from the conflict can help. Validation goes a long way. It takes practice, but while you're still living together, and the divorce isn't final, there may be hope. Take a look at the following info and let me know if it makes sense:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Validation and BPD

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Turkish

[joeramabeme]

Turkish

Thanks so much for all that information.  This site seems to be more informative than other ones I visit.

My situation is that we will not reconcile.  I am sure of that because for me to reconcile would require her to change or at a minimum acknowledge what is going on and that is not going to happen. 

We tried mediation, the mediator attempted to take her completely unreasonable demands and meld it to my meet-you-half-way proposal.  Now we are on to attorneys.  No children, this is all about money, she held it all in her account and now claims it all hers and I am untitled to none. 

Living with her is really starting to hurt me.  Your article links talked about being strong, and I am, but I am alos approaching my limits and see emotional slippage that is starting to concern me. I am in a no-win situation.  We have a great rental and she will not be staying here but also will not be leaving (probably until after I do). 

I would like to hear more about your experiences.  For the first time in 10 years of marriage, I am really starting to feel isolated.  Not because I don't have a multitude of outlets, I do, but because I dont think friends want to hear it anymore.  So my choice is suck up and try and wait out her leaving or divorce decree or just move out and realize that we both lose something we worked hard to get.  What is your experience living with to be Ex?

Thanks

[Turkish]

joeramabeme,

It sounds like your boundaries are firm, but are living in a kind of limbo. With HCPs (high conflict personalities), it's better to not rely on them making the decisions. We need to new proactive. I suggest posting to the legal board for advice on that. Start keeping a journal.

The reality is that you are living together, and I know how hard this is. She may be satisfied with this for who knows how long, during which you are emotionally bleeding. The Leaving Board tools helped me to detach. However, the Staying Board tools helped reduce conflict. In the beginning, she hinted she was going to take the kids. Then I tried to convince her to sign a custody agreement, which she didn't want to (perhaps it was too real? Or she wanted to come back at some point? Who know?). I retained a second lawyer. I finally convinced her to sign. I would have eventually taken her to court, but convincing her it was also her idea helped calm things. We weren't married, and I owned the house. It came to about a $11k "severance" to help get her out. I even went with her to negotiate buying a new car because I'm good at that (she knows it, and appreciated the gesture).

There have been issues coparenting over the last 1.5 years, and she recently married her affair partner, but this is my life now. Tread carefully, seek legal counsel (don't wait for her, and keep it close to yourself), and this also helps:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind,

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe (good title for a song!), I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  You are not alone, believe me.  I went through a divorce after a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, but I predict there will come a time when you will be grateful to be out of your marriage.  I don't miss the turmoil and confrontations!  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

Thanks Turkish and Jim

I have brief moments where I feel happy to be starting the extrication process.  Unfortunately these moments are very brief and can be followed with extreme grief, self pity and utter confusion and a feeling of deep isolation from the world around me.

Can either of you tell me why there is a green colored "SO" next to all my posts?  on the L3 board?

Thanks guys, it feels hopeless to me at times, but I am glad to have a connection out here.

Would either/both of you care to comment on the following; my wife is giving me 100% silent treatment because I changed attorneys without telling her and she claims that I have "deceived" her.

TIA

Joe

[Turkish]

SO=Significant Other. (Check the "New Member" drop down above when you reply and you will see the designations. It's used for new members, to elicit responses. No need to keep using it since we know now.

I'll share something my therapist said: "divorce, by definition, is adverserial." This applies even if you are getting along well. Watch out for lawers who might encourage escalation (because the get paid by the hour and each paper filed or sent).

You can, however, contribute to making things less adverserial by using the tools here. I also suggest reading the lessons on the legal board. A lot of us were caretakers in our relationships, and the tendency can be to give more than is required. Validate how she feels, but it seems like your mind is made up, no? Sometimes, people reconcile, so it's a good idea to explore your feelings first before committing.