Two weeks of no contact on either side

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been two weeks of no contact from either of us- we usually talk every three days before this. I keep wondering if he even notices. I guess the new gf is filling in the space and feeding his ego so much he doesn't want to hear my sorrow. Last picture posted before I blocked him he didn't look very happy. These two cheated on myself and her husband about a year ago- her husband had her removed from the store they worked at together then somehow they ended up working together in jan. I found another co worker in my bed in Xmas so I left him- I think these two started up again in Feb. now they are both separated her in May, us in April- she is being love bombed like crazy- posting all over FB open to the public for her husband to see as well- maybe she is BPD! So how long is this phase going to last? I think she's smothering him- I'm prepared to not answer him, but I can't help but wish he were trying to contact me after 8 years of marriage! We will divorce in jan... .Any comments that could help me see what is happening here would help, thanks. P.s. I don't know if it's immaturity or BPD actually but she is copying everything he does as well... .Dressing like him- mirroring him. Weird! Liking his same stuff... .She made a comment about her husband was great for putting up with his moods. Really makes me think- she's 26 and he is 34. Maybe she's just insecure but I just wish I understood what he sees in her other than I won't put up with the craziness and required him to get help- she hadn't seen it yet for all I know.

[Herodias]

It's been two weeks of no contact from either of us- we usually talk every three days before this. I keep wondering if he even notices. I guess the new gf is filling in the space and feeding his ego so much he doesn't want to hear my sorrow. Last picture posted before I blocked him he didn't look very happy. These two cheated on myself and her husband about a year ago- her husband had her removed from the store they worked at together then somehow they ended up working together in jan. I found another co worker in my bed in Xmas so I left him- I think these two started up again in Feb. now they are both separated her in May, us in April- she is being love bombed like crazy- posting all over FB open to the public for her husband to see as well- maybe she is BPD! So how long is this phase going to last? I think she's smothering him- I'm prepared to not answer him, but I can't help but wish he were trying to contact me after 8 years of marriage! We will divorce in jan... .Any comments that could help me see what is happening here would help, thanks. P.s. I don't know if it's immaturity or BPD actually but she is copying everything he does as well... .Dressing like him- mirroring him. Weird! Liking his same stuff... .She made a comment about her husband was great for putting up with his moods. Really makes me think- she's 26 and he is 34. Maybe she's just insecure but I just wish I understood what he sees in her other than I won't put up with the craziness and required him to get help- she hadn't seen it yet for all I know.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry for your pain.  I can imagine that finding your partner was cheating on you must have been devastating.  It is a very real betrayal, and the wounds it causes can go very deep.  It can make us doubt ourselves and to feel that we were somehow not able to provide what our partner wanted.  Please know, however, that this is not your fault.  It truly is not because you aren't good enough or because of anything you did or did not do.  BPD is not about this.  BPD is about emotional intimacy.  While pwBPD desperately seek our attachment, they are very often triggered by the emotional intimacy that occurs in these attachments.  As the intimacy grows stronger, they find it more and more difficult to cope with.  Eventually it can become too much and they seek to escape.  Either to another attachment or to push their partner away.  Sometimes they flee the relationship entirely.  This is entirely due to the disorder.  It is so important to remember that.  pwBPD fear intimacy because it stirs of overwhelming fears of abandonment and engulfment.  Without the ability to self soothe, they don't know what else to do except to fall back on their set of primitive, unhealthy coping mechanisms.  So, please do know that this is what the disorder does.  And the more you become emotionally close, the more your partner becomes triggered.  You were very special to him, kimnsasha.  If you hadn't been, the disorder would never have been triggered.

I can completely understand how hard it is to see your ex seemingly happy with another woman.  That would be terribly difficult to anyone.  This is the honeymoon stage, and as you know it is very artificial.  It is full of mirroring and idealization.  Please try and realize that this is not because of you or any deficiency in you.  It is the disorder.

[Herodias]

If I was so special, then how could he just go for anyone that he could grab onto next... .will they be special? Are they just filling a temporary need? This is what I don't understand.

[cosmonaut]

It's not easy to understand, because the disorder is not rational.  It's emotional and it's driven by a highly distorted set of beliefs and fears.  pwBPD want and need love the same as anyone else.  But for pwBPD there is something more - a need for attachment to another's "self".  The roots of the disorder go back into very early childhood when, for some reason, a failure occurred in normal development.  As a result of this failure, pwBPD do not have an autonomous sense of self.  They do not really understand how to exist independently of others.  So, they are driven to seek out others to attach and fuse with in order to try and borrow the attachment's self, and thus try to become whole.  This is driven by the tremendous anxiety, confusion, and fears that pwBPD experience when they are left alone in the world.  They are emotionally a terrified, abandoned child all alone in the world when they do not have an attachment.  This is, obviously, something that they seek to stop as soon as they are able.  So, pwBPD are often able to jump into a new relationship extremely quickly in an attempt to quiet these fears.

This is not to say that pwBPD don't love.  They do love, and they want love just as anyone else.  In fact, they often have impossibly perfect dreams of love - fairytale versions of love.  You might find this article on the site interesting which discusses what love means to a young woman with BPD.  It supports the idea that pwBPD do love very sincerely, but that it is a disordered love.  An unstable love.  A love that can't survive under the overwhelming fears of the disorder.

I can't say if there is any love between your ex and his new partner.  It's possible there might be, but it's also possible that it is simply an attachment.  We can't know.  Ultimately, what is so important to realize, however, is that you were loved and the reason the relationship ended was not because of you.  This is something that almost everyone here has struggled with.  I did myself.  Love is terrifying for a pwBPD, even as it is their most fervent desire.  They want to find that person who will finally complete them and make them whole.  The one perfect person who will finally love them in their brokenness, soothe them, and never leave them.  The problem is that their own disorder sabotages this.  When they do find someone who loves them and who draws close to them, it triggers a set of deep fears inside of the pwBPD.  Chief among these is the fear of abandonment.  Love is terrifying because it means it can be lost.  And pwBPD are convinced that they are so broken and they have such overwhelming shame at that brokenness that they believe they will always be left once this is realized.  So, you see, love is not something that can be sustained for a borderline.  In fact, there is some anecdotal evidence that relationships with little emotional attachment are rather more stable than relationships with genuine intimacy.  It is the intimacy that triggers the fears.

So, please don't accept that this is your fault.  You did not cause the disorder.  It existed long before you ever met your ex.  It is not your fault.   

[Lishab23]

It's not easy to understand, because the disorder is not rational.  It's emotional and it's driven by a highly distorted set of beliefs and fears.  pwBPD want and need love the same as anyone else.  But for pwBPD there is something more - a need for attachment to another's "self".  The roots of the disorder go back into very early childhood when, for some reason, a failure occurred in normal development.  As a result of this failure, pwBPD do not have an autonomous sense of self.  They do not really understand how to exist independently of others.  So, they are driven to seek out others to attach and fuse with in order to try and borrow the attachment's self, and thus try to become whole.  This is driven by the tremendous anxiety, confusion, and fears that pwBPD experience when they are left alone in the world.  They are emotionally a terrified, abandoned child all alone in the world when they do not have an attachment.  This is, obviously, something that they seek to stop as soon as they are able.  So, pwBPD are often able to jump into a new relationship extremely quickly in an attempt to quiet these fears.

This is not to say that pwBPD don't love.  They do love, and they want love just as anyone else.  In fact, they often have impossibly perfect dreams of love - fairytale versions of love.  You might find this article on the site interesting which discusses what love means to a young woman with BPD.  It supports the idea that pwBPD do love very sincerely, but that it is a disordered love.  An unstable love.  A love that can't survive under the overwhelming fears of the disorder.

I can't say if there is any love between your ex and his new partner.  It's possible there might be, but it's also possible that it is simply an attachment.  We can't know.  Ultimately, what is so important to realize, however, is that you were loved and the reason the relationship ended was not because of you.  This is something that almost everyone here has struggled with.  I did myself.  Love is terrifying for a pwBPD, even as it is their most fervent desire.  They want to find that person who will finally complete them and make them whole.  The one perfect person who will finally love them in their brokenness, soothe them, and never leave them.  The problem is that their own disorder sabotages this.  When they do find someone who loves them and who draws close to them, it triggers a set of deep fears inside of the pwBPD.  Chief among these is the fear of abandonment.  Love is terrifying because it means it can be lost.  And pwBPD are convinced that they are so broken and they have such overwhelming shame at that brokenness that they believe they will always be left once this is realized.  So, you see, love is not something that can be sustained for a borderline.  In fact, there is some anecdotal evidence that relationships with little emotional attachment are rather more stable than relationships with genuine intimacy.  It is the intimacy that triggers the fears.

So, please don't accept that this is your fault.  You did not cause the disorder.  It existed long before you ever met your ex.  It is not your fault.   

Sorry I don't mean to hijack the thread but I just want to say reading this right here is all truth!  We all think it's our fault, we all question if they really loved us!  Thank you this helped alot

[Yolanda123]

Just wanted to say thanks also cosmonaut for your post, very helpful.

Lishab23 & Herodias, I am struggling with the same questions and self doubt. I just need to know if he ever loved me or even knew me, or if I have just been used... .could have been anyone else, and that I will be easily forgotten, like I never meant anything for him. That's hard to accept on an emotional level   even if we can accept it on a more rational level, once we understand the disorder better.

[Herodias]

Thank you for your description... .it is very helpful. My STBX knows I was always there for him, through all the hospital visits, car accidents, jail time, work and health issues... .all his rages and craziness. I just could not put up with the drinking eventually because it seemed to produce all of the really bad, bad behavior. I think this is why he has moved on instead of working on himself. He is able to just move on to someone who accepts the drinking, because she hasn't seen the full effect of it yet. I don't think most people would put up with all that I did... .I just knew because of his personality problems, I accepted him for better or worse.