She wants to fight again

[Sadgirl92]

She was in a good mood when I came home from work and said let's go to Victoria's Secret. Then she brought up how her modeling pictures are ugly and it's my fault because I didn't help her prepare. And the same ol stuff that she alway says over and over. I was very calm. I said I am sorry. I said I understand. And then she just kept saying the same thing over and over and ruining my night and I got out of the car and she said go yourself I'll wait in the car. Then I got out and she left my car running and walked past me. She wants to fight again. I can't do this people! I cannot do this! Why do I have to have this in my life? Why does she keep blaming me I am so effing sick of this life. I'm sorry this is the only thing that keeps me going. Even if nobody is listening I am cracking.   I don't want to fight tonight. I think when we get back in the car I will just drop her off at home and then I will go to my sisters.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sadgirl92]

Sorry if I sound pathetic.

[Bright Day Mom]

You do NOT sound pathetic... .we've all had our share of challenges.   You are doing the very best you can.  I've been told my a number of social workers that my D16 lashes out@ me most because I am the one constant in her life.  She knows I have always been thru thick and thin.  My D was in so much uncontrollable pain and needed treatment.  Do you think this makes sense in your case? I think visiting your sister may be a good idea giving you both a chance to take a break and clear your head.   

You are not alone, lots of people can relate.

[Sadgirl92]

Thank you for replying. I do agree what you said about I'm the only thing constant in her life. So why would they do that to us? If we're all they have.

But now I'm sitting in the Kroger parking lot in 20 degrees with my dog. She says she wants to kill herself. She always says that. She won't do it. I told her I was calling police then she said doesn't want to anymore.   I want to call police but all they did was send her right back.  Should I call police. They don't help tho all they do is park their cars in front of my house and make us look like a Jerry Springer show with all the neighbors looking out the windows. Ugh. I'm sorry I am probably making a dam fool out of myself here. I am sure some people relate. That's why I feel brave enough and ok to post this. But I'm clearly at my wits end. I have nobody to turn to. This is all I have so forgive me if this is depressing.
I thought this board would be more active. I feel like I'm the only one going nuts. Thank u to all the replies that I get. I think I will just sit here and watch a movie on my iPhone.

[GaGrl]

If she is threatening suicide, you must take her at her word and call 911 for assistance.

If she is not serious, this at least provides a trail of documentation as to her instability, which could help a therapist in future.

[Sadgirl92]

She took it back said she really wouldn't do it. Do I still call?

[Bpd mother]

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom I just want to reassure you that you are not alone
I do not visit the boards often anymore as I am struggling to cope. My daughter can be so sweet with her friends and I am grateful for this but wants nothing to do with me.
You do not sound pathetic at all and this is a perfect place to rant.

[Lollypop]

Hi sad girl

I don't know if you're still in the cold.

My BPDs26 is an adult. Every decision he makes, he makes for himself and he suffers the consequences. This is the way he learns. This is how we all learn, by suffering the consequences.

It's so hard to think clearly when you're feeling fear, obligation or guilt. As I learnt on this forum, my confidence grew and I was better able to see what I needed to do. If I didn't know I asked. There was sometimes different advice and I chose what I felt I needed for my family but I always reflected on it so I could learn.

Gagirl is spot on about the trail of evidence.

You're dealing with two biggies here. Violence and threats of suicide? In an argument?

I'm so sorry that your having to deal with this right now. You're right to get yourself out if you feel unsafe.

These episodes are just so exhausting for everybody.

You must be tired right now. Think about your own immediate needs. My advice is pause and reflect. Take time before doing or saying anything too heavy. Get calm and regain some strength. I used to tell my BPDs that's what I was doing so he knew, he can learn from me slowly how to take care of himself.

When you're head is clearer you can start on your own plan on how to deal with the two biggest issues. From what you're saying it's violence and suicide threats (in an argument).

If Your daughter threatens suicide again, what do you think should be the consequence and your immediate reaction - every time?

Is your daughter in therapy?

What professional support, if any, do you have?

Hugs

L

[Kwamina]

Hi Sadgirl92,

How are things now? Did you go home or are you at your sister's place?

Whether your daughter is serious or not with those suicide threats, my advice would be to take the threats very seriously and take appropriate action. My older uBPD sister has often threatened to kill herself and even though she as far as I know has never made an actual suicide attempt, just the fact that she makes these threats is a clear indicator that she has some very serious issues and very poor coping skills. Even when people are not 'serious', they can still end up seriously hurting themselves.

In your other thread I already shared some material with you about safety first and creating a family crisis plan. I really encourage you to take a look at it. To help you deal with your daughter's threats of suicide, this might help:
TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

The link goes to a workshop about dealing with suicidal ideation and threats of suicide from our loved ones.

You were in an extremely stressful situation which can make it very hard to focus and think rationally. I hope you are able to calm down a bit and start working on your safety and family crisis planning. You most definitely aren't pathetic or depressing  BPD is a very challenging disorder and it is normal for you to have strong emotional reactions to your daughter's extreme behaviors. Dealing with physically abusive and suicidal children really isn't easy and not something any of us was born prepared for. We can learn though and once we know better we can do better.

I do agree what you said about I'm the only thing constant in her life. So why would they do that to us? If we're all they have.

Why? Because BPD is a disorder and your daughter's behavior is a result of her distorted thinking and out of control emotions. It is also so that people with BPD struggle the most in relationships with the people closest to them and you clearly are the one closest to her.

You mentioned your sister(s). Does your sister know about your daughter's extreme behaviors? What kind of relationship does your sister have with your daughter?

[Sadgirl92]

Hi BPD mother. Thank you so much for replying. I hope you are coping ok.  My daughter is nice to everyone but me as well. I think you posted on the main board and I would like to write back there as well. But I want to say thank u for replying to me. It means a lot.

[Sadgirl92]

Hi lollypop. Thank you for replying as well. I really like what you said about telling your son you need time to reflect so he can learn from you.
To answer your question, My daughter went to an intake appointment last week so she can get Ativan. Those are her words (only going for Ativan). I mean Ativan does help. But she says she doesn't need to talk about her problems because "they" don't care anyways.  But I'm hoping if she wants that Ativan she has to get counseled. After reading threw these boards I also decided to see a therapist. (The same therapist she is seeing) we will go separately. Which I think is better because my daughter will not be honest with the therapist. But I will tell her everything to be sure my daughter gets the right help. Does that sound like a good idea? Do you see a therapist? I seen your posts that your son goes to therapy. Does he take meds?  Thank you again for replying. I really do appreciate you taking to the time to ready through my hysterics   I hope you have a good day.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sadgirl92]

Sr ambassador. Thank you so much for replying. I sat in my car at the Kroger parking lot for three hours last night. She eventually woke my poor 70 year old mother up to talk about how much she hates me. My poor mother is now tired today. But if I would have stayed last night it would have been way worse for my mother hearing her screaming at me and possibly throwing stuff or hitting me.
I am going to read through the lesson you sent in my post right now. I am sitting in my favorite chair with my best flanker and some tea. Going to get comfortable and read through these lessons.  You all seem so much more knowledgeable then me and say the right things and know what to do. So I want to be this way too. Hay maybe one day I will have a star next to my name and I can help somebody too.  
To answer your question yes my sister knows all about this. I tell her everything but lately holding back because I see my sister acting annoyed around my daughter now. It's only natural. My daughter eventually makes everyone uncomfortable around her. It makes me sad. She can't have relationships because of the way she is. Pretty soon the whole family will resent her but tell me they love her. But deep down she's not their kid. They don't have to love her.
Well I'm rambling now. I'm sure you understand the family thing.
But thank you again for the workshop link. I am going to read it now. Take care.

[OliviaH]

WOW, this sounds so familiar. I feel like there is no winning, simply degrees of losing. I can't much help but I can identify with feeling stuck in an angry twilight zone. Hugs.