Left in shambles, who I thought to be my dream girl abruptly left out of nowhere

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, this is my first post on here. I am having a very difficult time and have decided to share my story, and get some feedback on how I can cope with this situation. I was sucked into a relationship with a girl about 6 months ago, my walls were very high as I had been previously hurt and didn't want to get into anything quickly. This girl I met was extremely reassuring to me, and even told me she loved me after 3 weeks of going on dates together. She had told me everything I needed to hear. "I was meant to meet you to take the pain away from anyone else before" or other things such as "I am going to make you my king, I would move mountains for you."

I believed her, and let her in. I was extremely attracted to her, and the way she sucked me in. She definitely made me feel like she was "the one." After about 5 months of dating, she randomly changed. She had been very loving to me for a few months, posted pictures of us, talked about marriage, we even went ring shopping the last month. However, I found out she had been lying to me for a while, and had seen a couple other guys when we first started dating. It was very confusing to me why she would do that, when she was professing her love for me and telling me I'm the only one, and that she was meant to meet me. Wouldn't that mean other men don't matter? She had also stayed friends with one of her exes I soon found out as well. And they had occasionally texted. I decided to forgive her and move past that, not knowing she had BPD. We spent the last month together and things were a bit bumpy. She had left her google account logged in on my computer, and I went to google search and found she was actually searching for hardcore pornography. I thought it wasn't real at first, then I went to her search history on google and saw an extensive list that went back over a year, of daily hardcore pornography searches. I confronted her about it - she told me she had been suffering from this addiction and it's extremely embarrassing I found out. She then told me she had "sexted" a man the previous month, and she felt like it was due to her addiction. I questioned if she would've met up with the man if she had the chance, she says no. However, I feel like she would have. (Now I do, at least.) She started to see me less, and kept telling me she "didn't feel good" or "i'm sick I am staying home tonight." I was getting very frustrated, because day by day she would tell me she loves me, but wouldn't see me? I told her I wanted to help her with the addiction and help her be happy. She would tell me I was the only man in her life. She would even call herself my future wife. And thanked me for all I had done for her. She told me she was head over heels in love with me. But she also said she was unsure of her feelings at the same time, which didn't make any sense to me. I hadn't seen her for about 2 weeks, and she finally sent me this text message.

"I love you, more than the amount of stars in the sky. I am going to make you the happiest man that has ever lived. I am going to treat you like a king. I am going to lvoe on you so fiercely, that you forget all the pain you've ever felt. And baby, I'm going to do that soon. This week. I'm going to work so hard during school, focus on our relationship, and i'm going into overdrive to make sure we're happy. I am your girlfriend and I'm so proud to be. And at this time next week I'm going to be snuggled up next to you, watching a movie. I am not spending another weekend without you. I love you!"

I thought, "Finally!" Things were going to get better and I'd start seeing her a lot more.

I was wrong. 3 days after she sent this text message, I got an interesting call from her one night. She told me she was still my girlfriend, but needed space. And asked me to not contact her for 1 week. I was confused, and said, "I thought this time next week you'd be over watching a movie? Being happy with me?" She said no, and that she was confused and needed some space from me. I asked if she was going to go see someone else, she said "No, I'm going to take this time for myself and see how I feel. I will contact you in a week. I am going to pamper myself, take my medicine and go to sleep. I don't feel good. Please don't text me, my phone will wake me up. Goodnight"

I was baffled, and confused. So I drove to her home about 10 minutes later to talk. Her car was not parked in her spot. She was gone. I called her off the hook. I texted her asking where she was! She did not respond. I then got a text message about 20 minutes after I went to her home. She texted me and said, "I am home sleeping. My family is alseep too. Please don't wake me up. Goodnight"

She was lying. I remembered her google account was logged in on my PC still. I drove home and pulled up her location history. (Yes, I snooped. I was not okay) and found that she had driven about 5 minutes away from her home. I saved the address, and drove there. Sure enough, there was her car parked outside of a random home.

The next morning I got a call from her, extremely angry. She said things like "I can't believe you followed me. You're crazy, you stalked me. How did you know where I was? I wasn't with a man, just because I go out doesn't mean I'm with a man!"

I questioned her, and later that day found out the truth. She told me she had gone to see a man she hooked up with in high school. And sure enough, they hooked up. She claims it was only kissing, I feel it was more. I was absolutely devastated. How could she even toy with the idea of seeing someone else after professing her love to me just a few days prior? How could she cause so much pain, when she just promised to love me so fiercely that all the pain would go away? Why didn't she come to MY HOUSE instead? Had she been seeing him all along, all those days she "was sick?"

She then 3 days after that, came to talk to me at my home. She kissed me, told me how stupid she was for what she did. I thought okay, maybe I can forgive her. But no, that was it. The very next day I questioned her again about the cheating. She said she wanted me to leave her alone and she didn't want me apart of her life anymore. She said she couldn't handle me asking her about the cheating, and wanted me gone. I continued to call and text her, freaking out that it was really over. It couldn't be, not after ring shopping, talking about marriage, being told I was the best kiss of her life, her first real and only true love? She then threatened me with a restraining order. And told me she was frightened of me, for knowing where she was that night. And she didn't feel safe. How? I did nothing wrong, wouldn't any man find out where their girl went? She STILL has not apologized for cheating on me, and feels I was in the wrong for catching her. She blames me for pushing her away.

After 3 days of NC, she finally texted me. She said we could be friends. I agreed (stupid I know), but I wanted her in my life. We talked for 2 days. She talked about "if we get back together" and "I miss you." She had called me on skype, and hung up because she started bawling. I asked what was wrong, she told me she missed me. She had also been asking me who I'd seen, what girls have I talked to. She seemed like she cared. She also stated "you've moved on huh... .you don't care what I want... " And made me feel like she still cared, or possibly wanted me! This changed drastically again the next day.

The very next day, she got angry with me for mentioning her cheating, wanting to know if anything else went on... .and told me to leave her alone. She threatened with the police. She asked for no contact. She told me she wants me out of her life "FOREVER"... .She told me she did not love me anymore. I asked how? How can you say you love me more than the amount of stars in the sky just two weeks ago, and then randomly just stop caring? How do you feel no empathy? She said she didn't want to hear from me ever again, and told me, "don't you dare guilt me for my feelings changing."

Later that day she actually went and followed the man she cheated on my withs instagram page, and like one of his photos. I was crushed. How can she be so cruel and careless? I sent her a text and asked how she could possibly like one of his photos, KNOWING she cheated on me with him after all we'd been through and talked about. After all her promises, letters, talk about marriage and a family with me. How can that all go down the drain in the matter of a couple weeks, and then actually show signs of interest in this new man, as if I never even existed? I'm absolutely heartbroken and destroyed inside. It's been officially 2 days now with NC. As I'm worried she might actually file for a restraining order, I haven't texted her at all. She did unlike that mans picture on instagram, and said 2 days ago "I unliked it. I haven't seen him again and I don't even talk to him. Leave me alone, if you care at all you'll get out of my life!"

So That's what i've done. She had to have seen him again, I know she has or she wouldn't have liked his picture. She has to still talk to him. She literally kicked me aside, like a piece of trash, and felt nothing. Everything she ever told me while looking into my eyes, was fake. I don't know how to move on from this, or how to heal. I had planned a life with her, she hooked me so tightly and reeled me in. I have never loved anyone this much in my life. I believed every word she said to me. And it all changed within a few weeks. How is that even possible? I don't understand, I cannot comprehend it. I can't comprehend how it was so easy for her to physically go see another man, after all she said to me. After telling me "you're the only cute man to me, you're the only man I'll ever kiss and be with again. I'm your future wife!"

I know this is a long post, and I apologize. I'm just venting at this point. I don't know how to deal with this, and I'm struggling. It's been 2 days of NC, and I don't imagine she'll ever try to contact me again. She moved on so quickly, as if I was nothing. She went and gave her body to another man, who she hadn't even talked to in years. She dumped me like a piece of trash, after saying I was the only man she'd ever be with, kiss, anything ever again! And it all changed in the blink of an eye. What should I do? I keep hoping she'll text me, or call me. I deep down want her back more than anything. But I know that probably would not be good. At this point my confidence and self esteem is shot, and I don't feel like I'll find someone as "perfect" as she was (when we were happy)

Thanks for reading my novel. Any advice, comments, feedback would be appreciated. I hope I can get through this. I feel as if I was used, played, manipulated for months, and everything she ever told me was fake. Except I actually believed every word. I don't understand how she can sext, and then go see another man so easily, when she CLAIMED many times I was her "dream man" who satisfied her more than enough. If that was the case, why didn't she come see me instead? Why did she leave? Why'd she fall out of love, out of nowhere?

Edit: She has also since she asked for NC, blocked me on all social media. I have no clue what she's doing, (or who) ... .It's driving me insane thinking about it. I sit and wonder, if she was able to cheat when she was with me, who's she out with now? Doing what? Do I even cross her mind? Who is she laying in bed texting at night, flirting with, acting like she's totally fine as if I never even existed? Who's she sending pictures to, that were all supposed to belong to me? I thought we were getting married? What happend? She begged me to love her back, so I did. And now here I am, left in shambles while she's 100% okay. She's had to have seen that man again. The thoughts absolutely kill me inside. She was very precious to me, and I cannot believe she doesn't care to give herself to someone else so quickly and easily, when I cared and respected her so much. How can she just do that? Thank you for reading.

[zomsa]

Hello, this is my first post on here. I am having a very difficult time and have decided to share my story, and get some feedback on how I can cope with this situation. I was sucked into a relationship with a girl about 6 months ago, my walls were very high as I had been previously hurt and didn't want to get into anything quickly. This girl I met was extremely reassuring to me, and even told me she loved me after 3 weeks of going on dates together. She had told me everything I needed to hear. "I was meant to meet you to take the pain away from anyone else before" or other things such as "I am going to make you my king, I would move mountains for you."

I believed her, and let her in. I was extremely attracted to her, and the way she sucked me in. She definitely made me feel like she was "the one." After about 5 months of dating, she randomly changed. She had been very loving to me for a few months, posted pictures of us, talked about marriage, we even went ring shopping the last month. However, I found out she had been lying to me for a while, and had seen a couple other guys when we first started dating. It was very confusing to me why she would do that, when she was professing her love for me and telling me I'm the only one, and that she was meant to meet me. Wouldn't that mean other men don't matter? She had also stayed friends with one of her exes I soon found out as well. And they had occasionally texted. I decided to forgive her and move past that, not knowing she had BPD. We spent the last month together and things were a bit bumpy. She had left her google account logged in on my computer, and I went to google search and found she was actually searching for hardcore pornography. I thought it wasn't real at first, then I went to her search history on google and saw an extensive list that went back over a year, of daily hardcore pornography searches. I confronted her about it - she told me she had been suffering from this addiction and it's extremely embarrassing I found out. She then told me she had "sexted" a man the previous month, and she felt like it was due to her addiction. I questioned if she would've met up with the man if she had the chance, she says no. However, I feel like she would have. (Now I do, at least.) She started to see me less, and kept telling me she "didn't feel good" or "i'm sick I am staying home tonight." I was getting very frustrated, because day by day she would tell me she loves me, but wouldn't see me? I told her I wanted to help her with the addiction and help her be happy. She would tell me I was the only man in her life. She would even call herself my future wife. And thanked me for all I had done for her. She told me she was head over heels in love with me. But she also said she was unsure of her feelings at the same time, which didn't make any sense to me. I hadn't seen her for about 2 weeks, and she finally sent me this text message.

"I love you, more than the amount of stars in the sky. I am going to make you the happiest man that has ever lived. I am going to treat you like a king. I am going to lvoe on you so fiercely, that you forget all the pain you've ever felt. And baby, I'm going to do that soon. This week. I'm going to work so hard during school, focus on our relationship, and i'm going into overdrive to make sure we're happy. I am your girlfriend and I'm so proud to be. And at this time next week I'm going to be snuggled up next to you, watching a movie. I am not spending another weekend without you. I love you!"

I thought, "Finally!" Things were going to get better and I'd start seeing her a lot more.

I was wrong. 3 days after she sent this text message, I got an interesting call from her one night. She told me she was still my girlfriend, but needed space. And asked me to not contact her for 1 week. I was confused, and said, "I thought this time next week you'd be over watching a movie? Being happy with me?" She said no, and that she was confused and needed some space from me. I asked if she was going to go see someone else, she said "No, I'm going to take this time for myself and see how I feel. I will contact you in a week. I am going to pamper myself, take my medicine and go to sleep. I don't feel good. Please don't text me, my phone will wake me up. Goodnight"

I was baffled, and confused. So I drove to her home about 10 minutes later to talk. Her car was not parked in her spot. She was gone. I called her off the hook. I texted her asking where she was! She did not respond. I then got a text message about 20 minutes after I went to her home. She texted me and said, "I am home sleeping. My family is alseep too. Please don't wake me up. Goodnight"

She was lying. I remembered her google account was logged in on my PC still. I drove home and pulled up her location history. (Yes, I snooped. I was not okay) and found that she had driven about 5 minutes away from her home. I saved the address, and drove there. Sure enough, there was her car parked outside of a random home.

The next morning I got a call from her, extremely angry. She said things like "I can't believe you followed me. You're crazy, you stalked me. How did you know where I was? I wasn't with a man, just because I go out doesn't mean I'm with a man!"

I questioned her, and later that day found out the truth. She told me she had gone to see a man she hooked up with in high school. And sure enough, they hooked up. She claims it was only kissing, I feel it was more. I was absolutely devastated. How could she even toy with the idea of seeing someone else after professing her love to me just a few days prior? How could she cause so much pain, when she just promised to love me so fiercely that all the pain would go away? Why didn't she come to MY HOUSE instead? Had she been seeing him all along, all those days she "was sick?"

She then 3 days after that, came to talk to me at my home. She kissed me, told me how stupid she was for what she did. I thought okay, maybe I can forgive her. But no, that was it. The very next day I questioned her again about the cheating. She said she wanted me to leave her alone and she didn't want me apart of her life anymore. She said she couldn't handle me asking her about the cheating, and wanted me gone. I continued to call and text her, freaking out that it was really over. It couldn't be, not after ring shopping, talking about marriage, being told I was the best kiss of her life, her first real and only true love? She then threatened me with a restraining order. And told me she was frightened of me, for knowing where she was that night. And she didn't feel safe. How? I did nothing wrong, wouldn't any man find out where their girl went? She STILL has not apologized for cheating on me, and feels I was in the wrong for catching her. She blames me for pushing her away.

After 3 days of NC, she finally texted me. She said we could be friends. I agreed (stupid I know), but I wanted her in my life. We talked for 2 days. She talked about "if we get back together" and "I miss you." She had called me on skype, and hung up because she started bawling. I asked what was wrong, she told me she missed me. She had also been asking me who I'd seen, what girls have I talked to. She seemed like she cared. She also stated "you've moved on huh... .you don't care what I want... " And made me feel like she still cared, or possibly wanted me! This changed drastically again the next day.

The very next day, she got angry with me for mentioning her cheating, wanting to know if anything else went on... .and told me to leave her alone. She threatened with the police. She asked for no contact. She told me she wants me out of her life "FOREVER"... .She told me she did not love me anymore. I asked how? How can you say you love me more than the amount of stars in the sky just two weeks ago, and then randomly just stop caring? How do you feel no empathy? She said she didn't want to hear from me ever again, and told me, "don't you dare guilt me for my feelings changing."

Later that day she actually went and followed the man she cheated on my withs instagram page, and like one of his photos. I was crushed. How can she be so cruel and careless? I sent her a text and asked how she could possibly like one of his photos, KNOWING she cheated on me with him after all we'd been through and talked about. After all her promises, letters, talk about marriage and a family with me. How can that all go down the drain in the matter of a couple weeks, and then actually show signs of interest in this new man, as if I never even existed? I'm absolutely heartbroken and destroyed inside. It's been officially 2 days now with NC. As I'm worried she might actually file for a restraining order, I haven't texted her at all. She did unlike that mans picture on instagram, and said 2 days ago "I unliked it. I haven't seen him again and I don't even talk to him. Leave me alone, if you care at all you'll get out of my life!"

So That's what i've done. She had to have seen him again, I know she has or she wouldn't have liked his picture. She has to still talk to him. She literally kicked me aside, like a piece of trash, and felt nothing. Everything she ever told me while looking into my eyes, was fake. I don't know how to move on from this, or how to heal. I had planned a life with her, she hooked me so tightly and reeled me in. I have never loved anyone this much in my life. I believed every word she said to me. And it all changed within a few weeks. How is that even possible? I don't understand, I cannot comprehend it. I can't comprehend how it was so easy for her to physically go see another man, after all she said to me. After telling me "you're the only cute man to me, you're the only man I'll ever kiss and be with again. I'm your future wife!"

I know this is a long post, and I apologize. I'm just venting at this point. I don't know how to deal with this, and I'm struggling. It's been 2 days of NC, and I don't imagine she'll ever try to contact me again. She moved on so quickly, as if I was nothing. She went and gave her body to another man, who she hadn't even talked to in years. She dumped me like a piece of trash, after saying I was the only man she'd ever be with, kiss, anything ever again! And it all changed in the blink of an eye. What should I do? I keep hoping she'll text me, or call me. I deep down want her back more than anything. But I know that probably would not be good. At this point my confidence and self esteem is shot, and I don't feel like I'll find someone as "perfect" as she was (when we were happy)

Thanks for reading my novel. Any advice, comments, feedback would be appreciated. I hope I can get through this. I feel as if I was used, played, manipulated for months, and everything she ever told me was fake. Except I actually believed every word. I don't understand how she can sext, and then go see another man so easily, when she CLAIMED many times I was her "dream man" who satisfied her more than enough. If that was the case, why didn't she come see me instead? Why did she leave? Why'd she fall out of love, out of nowhere?

Edit: She has also since she asked for NC, blocked me on all social media. I have no clue what she's doing, (or who) ... .It's driving me insane thinking about it. I sit and wonder, if she was able to cheat when she was with me, who's she out with now? Doing what? Do I even cross her mind? Who is she laying in bed texting at night, flirting with, acting like she's totally fine as if I never even existed? Who's she sending pictures to, that were all supposed to belong to me? I thought we were getting married? What happend? She begged me to love her back, so I did. And now here I am, left in shambles while she's 100% okay. She's had to have seen that man again. The thoughts absolutely kill me inside. She was very precious to me, and I cannot believe she doesn't care to give herself to someone else so quickly and easily, when I cared and respected her so much. How can she just do that? Thank you for reading.

[once removed]

hey zomsa. welcome to the family. have you had the opportunity yet to read up on the resources available on this site? youve been through an awful lot of push pull, and that is common to a relationship with a pwBPD.

the cheating wasnt about you and it wasnt personal. it was about the disorder. i dont expect that to just click right away, but it will help to continue familiarizing yourself with the dynamics of this disorder. this person was dealing with a problem that existed before you, during her relationship with you, and continues to exist. that problem, at least in terms of romantic relationships, revolves around the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment. this may explain some of her actions, and some of the dynamic youve been experiencing.

i think i understand what its like to have been hurt before, have your walls high, let them cave, only to be hurt again. it feels like your soul has been destroyed, the idea of trust in another, trust in yourself, feel like a threat to your very survival. your soul and your trust can recover and youve found a wonderful place to help that happen. but it will take some time. youve been through a lot, and two days out its all still going to be incredibly raw and painful. accept your feelings and feel them. they are valid, and this is a process, a heck of one. hang in there 

[PlanetsBendBetweenUs]

Hello and welcome to the family Zomsa. My story is just like yours. Not the details of course but the general pattern. It is hard. Very very hard. Perhaps the hardest thing you will ever go through but you will get through it... .We will get through it... .Together. It was not your fault. You opened your heart and got taken. We all have.

Hold your head up and just make it through another day. Sometimes it is like that. Hour to hour. I was fine this morning then went to the store and recalled that we always go shopping together and I almost broke down. I wanted to call and just say hello I miss you but I cannot do that because I know. I know that I cannot help her and I know that she can and will hurt me. Good days and bad days but as my mind clears and my physical and mental health return I have faith that I will heal and never be taken again on this agonizing journey. Hang in there my friend! 

[4Years5Months]

Hi zomsa.  I appreciate the thoroughness of your post.  It is quite similar to what I experienced with my ex, at least the last couple of years.  She and I broke up seven times over five years (all her) with six recycles.  The last three, I was replaced very quickly after she would break up with me, within a couple of weeks.  Like you, I struggled (and still do) with the thought that she was SO into me and then could not only leave me, but then hook up with someone else so fast and parade him on Facebook as if I was an afterthought.

I want you to know that your ex DOES miss you and cares for you, but in a very immature way – like how a child would.  That is because her emotional development is frozen at that level – at around 3 to 5 years old. 

Think back on your time with her – was your role more of a parent type who helped guide and soothe her through life?  Were you made to feel like you were rescuing her from unhappiness?  You probably were truly wonderful in her eyes for those first five months – the infatuation period.  Did she seem to love everything about you – and the things you enjoyed doing?  That was her mirroring you to draw closer.  And then….at some point, maybe after a wonderful moment together like a vacation or family gathering (or shopping for rings, maybe?) did she seem to suddenly become distant?  Engulfment, which leads to detachment.   

Her pining for you (“I’m going to snuggle and watch a movie with you in one week!”) is the love bombing triggered by her fear of abandonment.  It’s also why she wants to be friends with you while she replaces you with other men, and also doesn't want you dating anyone else – she wants a backup in case it doesn’t work out – so she’s not alone – again the fear of abandonment.

Her hooking up with another guy so fast?  She needs to attach, because being alone with herself is about the worst thing to her.  My therapist (who I started seeing as a result of my BPDex) said something profound to me – “What she desires most isn’t YOU, it’s the relationship you could give to her – the attachment.  Subsequently, another guy can give her that relationship, even if he’s a loser or someone she just met.”  I bet you think the new guy is just that, a loser.  Maybe he is.  And she likely was drawn to him because he’s naïve and doesn’t know about her issues, and wants a girlfriend.  I don’t mean to be rude, but think back on when you started dating her.  Were you wanting a relationship, too?  Did you want someone to need you?

If there is one thing I can tell you, having gone through a very similar experience, it’s that she didn’t do any of this maliciously.  She has a disorder, and above everything else, she has to protect her very fragile emotional core.  She constantly feels pain, and at times it’s so unbearable that she has to do anything and everything to stop that immense feeling – even pushing away the person(s) closest to her.  She doesn’t sit there and go “muahaha” and plot on how to hurt you.  It’s all subconscious – she feels those feelings, and has to do whatever she can to stop them.  And sweeping it all under the rug is how they do it.  She feels TERRIBLE when she does these things, but to actually address herself is something she cannot do.  Which is why you have to be out of her life “forever.”  You are now a trigger to that shame.  It’s incredibly immature – like quitting a job by just not going back to work instead of telling your boss.  But that’s what childish people do.

Be glad you can’t see her social media, because she’s probably acting like her life is now perfect.  Believe me, it isn’t.  It’s all a front for validation that her shameful life is okay at that moment.  And it’s not going to be better with him or because you aren’t in it.  And it’s VERY likely that she will contact you again, when she wants that emotional safety net, and try and pull you back in.  She’ll make a grand gesture, maybe agree to marriage and want that ring.  Don’t buy into it.  She WILL leave you again, because she knows you know about her.  And she already fears that you will leave her anyway (engulfment) so when that gets too intense, she will bail.  Every time my ex broke up with me and we went NC, every time I was replaced, I thought it was truly over and I would never hear from her again.  And I always did, even this most recent time:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275093.0;all

Read what my ex said to me after NC for two months and posting all over Facebook about my replacement.  That’s what your ex is going through as well.  Not to toot my own horn, but I invite you to read my other posts and topics, as our situations seem quite similar.  My ex would get incredibly upset at the thought of me dating someone else, too, as well as being a quiet/waif pwBPD like your ex seems to be.  She also “got sick” after our vacation in December but would somehow recover enough to hang out with work friends (and my eventual replacement) before suddenly becoming “exhausted” again whenever I wanted to come over.  Lots of similarities. 

Keep us posted, friend.  You are in the right place.

[zomsa]

I want to thank all of you for the replies so far. Your responses are very insightful and helpful. I feel very good knowing I'm not the only one who's been through this. It's amazing to me to  read the other posts, seeing how similar others stories are. I am going to continue with the lessons and reading others stories. This will be a journey for me and I'm glad I've found the right place to come. I'll be posting updates. As of right now, I feel like I've been betrayed and abandoned. I keep hoping she'll text or call me. I'm not sure if she ever will. But I know it won't be real. And no matter how bad I'll want to respond, I just can't. I'll need support on what to do. And how to handle it if and when she ever contacts me. Perhaps she really has just moved on completely, and will never think of me again. The thought destroys me inside.

[rotiroti]

I want to thank all of you for the replies so far. Your responses are very insightful and helpful. I feel very good knowing I'm not the only one who's been through this. It's amazing to me to  read the other posts, seeing how similar others stories are. I am going to continue with the lessons and reading others stories. This will be a journey for me and I'm glad I've found the right place to come. I'll be posting updates. As of right now, I feel like I've been betrayed and abandoned. I keep hoping she'll text or call me. I'm not sure if she ever will. But I know it won't be real. And no matter how bad I'll want to respond, I just can't. I'll need support on what to do. And how to handle it if and when she ever contacts me. Perhaps she really has just moved on completely, and will never think of me again. The thought destroys me inside.

That last sentence is so true. My wounds are still so fresh... you're doing the right thing by reading and understanding BPD. I would read the post by 4Years5Months... all the stories are from the non's side, but to read that the pwBPD DID love us at the moments gave me some peace.

As for contact... .i feel you. I knew some part of me wants to hear from her and to comfort her but here is what helps me:

1. write all the bad things down and have it handy. Yes the love and sex were amazing, but they pale against the intimidation cheating, and bullying. I get chills remembering how i was scared to move in bed because of her blowing up

2. NO CONTACT - i know some people try medium chill or low contact, but for me i had to go the entire way. Phone numbers blocked, facebook blocked, skype... everything i could think of. I'm tempted to lift it, but reading on this forum keeps my head on straight. I suspect she's the one that called me from a private number, but i'm not going to think about it

hang in there, it really does get better... .heck i'm only a week out and i can feel the obsessing part getting better

[Pretty Woman]

Zomsa,

 Your ":)ream Girl" would never cut and run on you. She would never lie, never cheat.

That is NOT a dream. That's a nightmare.  

And as far as telling you how wonderful you are... .

while talking/cheating with other men.

Think about it honey.  You ARE special. We all know that here   but to a BPD you are an object. A toy in the toybox. You are no special than the newest doll or Jack-in-the-Box.

I know it's hard. You are in the beginning stages of this. It is best to cut out now. Don't do what I did and "hang in there" for three years. These people will manipulate you to the point when they play their "head games" you will want to die.

I was suicidal over my ex.  I never did anything (because in my brain I know I am worth more than this) but I curled up in my bed for two weeks and I am not sure I showered.  When we got back together I never slept in my master bedroom again. That is how traumatized I was.

Anytime you allow her to act this way you are eliminating boundaries. She will keep on doing it until you are a crumpled mess on the floor.

I know you rationally know this person is not right. People don't treat others like this.

I know you are afraid of being alone. I will tell you this... .

you already are. She is NOT in this relationship with you.

Cut the cord my friend. Get into counceling to find out how you attracted this mess (water seeks it's own level so in some ways you do have some core issues as she does, just not as severe).

You are young and I will tell you this really aged me. I don't want to see that happen to you!

Keep posting and please, please get a therapist that can help you get out of this now. The sooner you can heal the sooner you will attract a healthy, happy person in your life.

YOU deserve this!

PW

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My experience with my uBPD exGF transpired in nearly the same manner, zomsa.

Yes, I was privvy to all of her coos and soft spoken words: "I can seem myself coming to rest in your arms after a long lonely search... ."

"This isn't lust, it's love"

"You are the sweetest man I've ever known... ."

"You are a rose among thorns... ."

The difference is that she asked me to "embark upon a relationship" with her, as she phrased it.  Of course, after carefully framing the situation to make it APPEAR she was truly in love with me and thinking of only me. This is after a good 4-5 months of talking and getting to know one another before ever becoming intimate, etc.

It was too good to be true.

She was not.

Almost a year of lie after lie, her secretive cheating, etc. caused me heartbreak, destroyed confidence, shattered self esteem and being left with all of the relationship fallout.

It is not worth it.

This love of your live is an illusion, an actress, someone who must be judged by her actions.  

Take it from me, go strict NC, it will hurt like heck, as it did for me, but I'm now feeling like I am my old self again.  And I will never allow someone to use and take advantage of my kind heart and selfless nature ever again.

[Beach_Babe]

I wasted 14 years,of my life I can never have back. Leave now. Don't make my mistake. They will never change or get better.