How harsh is okay when it comes to defining infidelity?

What is cheating? this makes me think of the Bill Clinton comment " I didn't have sex with that woman" and technically breaking it down, there wasn't the actual how are babies made method of sex, and the argument was if what he did with Monica technically qualified as sex.

I think instead of looking at sex and cheating in context of what the body parts are doing, it may be better to look at them in terms of their effect on the relationship and your own values.

I think it comes down to your own boundaries and boundaries reflect our values. One value that is in all major religions- and a part of being considerate is the Golden Rule. It is stated in religions in two ways: treat others the way you wish to be treated and if you wouldn't like something done to you, don't do it to others.

Living according to our own values determines our own sense of self and is a part of self esteem. This is about developing a solid sense of self- to know your actions are aligned with your own values. Someone else accusing you of something doesn't change that. If you, yourself, define what cheating is, and act accordingly, then an accusation doesn't change that.

This needs to shift from your wife "forbidding" certain activities to you determining your own actions because you choose to. You are not a child. Your wife isn't your boss.

We also need to separate thought from action. Nobody controls your thoughts. Sometimes you can't control your thoughts. Being married doesn't change our human nature. If we see someone who we think is attractive, we notice that. It's how we are wired. Being true to our values means we don't act on it if we have made a pledge to a partner to be faithful. If we can accept that about ourselves, we then have to accept that about others. Movie stars are stars because they are attractive. If we notice them while watching a show, it's human nature. Reality is we never met them. This isn't cheating.

So let's examine your list, not along the lines of is it cheating but is it according to your values?

- flirting with others
I think it's inconsiderate. It's humiliating to see your partner do this in a social event. I think it also gives the wrong impression. Personally, if someone flirts with me and they are in a committed relationship, I think it's gross. I don't flirt because, I am married and not interested in that. That's my value. Why do people flirt, it's probably an ego boost, but if you are grounded in your own sense of self, you don't need that.

- fantasizing about others

This is a thought. It's not really possible to control your thinking. If you see an attractive person- you may fantasize about them. I think it's a question of how much and why? Constant fantasizing is an escape. If it's an obsession, it could be troublesome. I think you are the one to determine if this is taking away from your relationship- because you aren't present in the reality of the moment, or just a brief "she's hot" thought. But for someone else to "forbid" your thoughts, that's not possible. In addition, your thoughts are private. You don't have to share them.

- checking out someone you think is attractive
Again, it depends. If you are staring obviously, to the point where your partner is uncomfortable, that is inconsiderate. I think everyone notices if someone is attractive. I can tell that my H notices an attractive actress on TV- and vice versa. Sometimes I joke about it. But it's not a threat to the marriage. If it's a real life person, I'd avoid conspicuously checking them out - it's inconsiderate.

- looking at porn

This is a big issue. And, I think it's a consensual thing. For some couples, they feel porn enhances their relationship. The key is though- it's consensual.

The problem with porn is that, it's not reality- a relationship with a human being isn't the same as porn, and porn can be addictive due to the excitement aspect. All forms of addiction do the same thing: promote exciting chemicals in the brain that create and addiction function due to how they work. All forms of addiction serve as an escape from uncomfortable feelings or situations. All forms of addiction harm intimate relationships.

Like any addiction, if someone is addicted to porn, they feel empty and restless when not watching porn. A real life partner can not live up to the effects or images of porn. Real relationships are more complicated. A human partner isn't always available or interested in some activities shown in porn. So this can lead to dissatisfaction with your human partner.

If you are invested in a partnership, it's important to be honest about this. Also know yourself. Some people can have one drink at a party and not have any issues with it. Others are alcoholics and if they have a drink, they can't handle it and are lying to themselves. Same with any addiction. My own personal feeling is that if someone wants to be happy in their relationship with someone else they should avoid porn but since porn is easily accessible, it needs to be your choice.

- reading erotic stories

Again, like fantasizing- it's the extent. Makes me think of those romance novels with phrases like ripped bodices. Why was 50 shades of grey so popular? I don't think reading one is amoral but again, it's what is going on with the person that would make the problematic or not.

- dancing with someone you're attracted to

No, I think this is out of line and in poor taste. Whether or not it is technically cheating, it's hurtful to your partner.

- watching certain movies or tv-series with sexual content

I think all movies and TV shows not rated G have some sexual content. Most of the time, if it's a show I haven't seen, I don't know all the scenes in it or what to expect, so it's not really a controlled situation or completely predictable. Unless you want to watch only cartoons for children, your selection will probably have sexual content. Again, what to watch together is consensual.

Importantly- you need to be sure of your own values and actions. When a partner has distorted thinking, anything can lead to a false accusation- such as the example you posted about buying something with a picture of a pretty lady on the box or saying something you did before you were dating her is cheating. You can not control her thinking or feeling. In the face of accusations, you need to believe you are solid in your own actions or values. This confidence is a result of your own actions. If you have been flirting, dancing, watching a lot of porn, just stop. Not for her, but for you and your own self esteem. Once you are certain of who you are, her accusations will not register with you.

If I tell you that you are a pink elephant- would you wonder about that? Can my telling you that turn you into one? You are certain you are not a pink elephant. Be that certain about your values and actions.



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate