Am I on the right path ? Finally awake to BPD and its devestation

[Jimmyfran]

Hi everyone,

Just signed up to the website (having been reading it for several weeks).  The posts/experiences on the site have really provided comfort to me and supported me in some really dark moments so thank you.

I have reached the unfortunate conclusion that my partner of 4 years meets almost all of the critera of BPD.  I can also clearly now see the distinct periods through which the relationship has developed (idealisation / the clinger phase and the hate phase). 

I have so many questions running through my mind that i will one day resolve only for the next day for them to come back and haunt me.

Did she ever really love me ?

Did I fall in love with a fantasy ?

Why cant she move forwards with me ?

Why could it not be perfect as it was at the start ?

The relationship has been long distance which itself has put pressure on us and I have also made mistakes for which I have spent  years apologising for and trying to repair (these mistakes do not involve physical aggression/sexual relations with anyone else).  Do BPDs have the capacity to forgive ? Or are mistakes just weapons to be used against their victims ?

I have tried to show my partner that I love her / care for her and want to be with her.  I have paid for multiple flights for her / invited her into my family  / travelled the world and spent a fortune to be with her / supported her in her hobbies / never ever cursed at her or cut her off when she has been upset or aggravated / purchased a property for her to live in.   I have been the one constant for her - one of the few people in her entire life to have never abandoned her.

However the relationship has always felt  on edge / waiting for her to explode.  She has been physically violent towards me;  she has dismissed me as a sexual failure, she has sent me screenshots of her flirting with another guy, she has accused me just weeks ago of cheating on her (that was a week after I just spent almost 2k dollars flying her around and organising events for her).  She has sent nasty messages about me to my friends behind my back, she has told me she hates me/doesnt love me, she has cut herself on web camera  to show me how angry she is / she has wished people dead to me / she has insulted my parents and friends to me / she has told me to my face how she wanted to go and hit on other guys / there has also been two occasions where she has just gone on and on at me relentlessly complaining to the point at which I have felt something rise up inside of me and I have physically wanted to shut her up to stop her hurting me with her words.  I have never acted on this feeling however I have never felt that feeling before in my entire life and it was scary as in those moments I felt an urge to just make her stop.   

Over a course of weeks she also told me that she was deliberately punishing me by telling me about dating other guys/how she wasn't attracted to me anymore/ how she hated my little arms and stomach etc etc.

She has long standing issues with her family - estrangement/abandonment issues - and has previous instances of depression/self-harm.  I have seen her lose multiple jobs in the time we have been together and also seen her just cut people from her life (people she once held in high-esteem).  In the instances above it was all other peoples fault and she genuinely believed she did nothing wrong/contributed towards the breakdown of such relationships.

On the basis of the above which is a mere fragment of some of the things that have happened I'm sure that I'm right in thinking these are symptomatic of BPD. 

The effects of it on me have been profound.

I have started to go prematurely grey,  I have been engulfed with a general anxiousness,  I have cried so many times including in front of her, I have laid in bed physically shaking as she has verbally attacked me,  I have performed oral sex on her after she spent days criticising me for being so bad at it just to make her stop (she had the day before stated that if I wouldn't do it she would have to find someone that would do it). 

I have tried to set boundaries - but I haven't been able to follow through due to my naive belief that this must work / that she is the one due to everything we have been through.

Despite all the above she still tells me she wants to get married and loves me !

And whilst she does have some wonderful qualities surely if you act as she has done you cannot want to marry that person. 

We met at a time when I was feeling very low and unhappy with my life due to a previous relationship and i was ego loaded amazed that a girl as beautiful as her would be interested in me.   She could have had any guy in terms of looks so why did she pick me .  In hindsight I can see that should have been a warning but I didn't see it - I just saw one of the most beautiful / sexiest girls i'd ever seen interested in me. 

Our first meetings were beautiful and so intense heightened even more by the build-up via email/messages etc and the fact we were miles apart.   We told each other we loved one another within days of meeting and it felt real -  when i said it I meant it.

I fear just leaving her now as Im afraid she will try to hurt herself or try to punish me. 

Reading the above I can reflect on how pathetic it all sounds - I have a great education,  successful career,  property , money ,  great friends etc yet I have allowed myself to be almost destroyed by this situation.  I'm not sure what that says about me.

I feel in so much pain - if i hear certain songs/lyrics Im dragged back to thinking of her/us.  If i see girls that look like her on tv or walking down the street I get anxiety and a feeling of regret/of missing her.

Sorry for the long post but writing all that was quite cathartic - thanks again for providing this website as it has been a light in the darkness. 

i don't know what I'm looking for in terms of a response - confirmation that what I have described is BPD or that I need to get the hell out etc - I don't know but for anyone who has come through something like this I have the utmost respect for your strength as this has been emotionally so hard / It is like grieving for someone who is still both part of your life but also actively involved in destroying your life.

[Michelle27]

You found a great place to not only vent but to get support.  Your story sounds so much like mine and so many others here.  It's a tough way to live your life.  You are on the right track that boundaries are important, and it took me 9 years of rages and confusion to get to that point (after 7 years of mostly "honeymoon" phase with a few small red flags that I only see now in retrospect).  Radical acceptance is a hard one too, but I've come to realize that there's no way we'll ever go back to that stage, but with the right kind of help, both of us being less triggered by each other than we are now (which is why we are separated for now) I do think we can have a healthy, stronger than ever relationship. But some of it rests in his hands too.  I can't "fix" it, other than protect myself with boundaries.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Jimmy, If a friend told you the above story, what would you advise your friend to do?  Maybe you should consider giving yourself the same advice?  A BPD r/s, in some respects, is like an addiction.  You know it's bad for you but you can't stop doing it.  You, and only you, will know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  In the meantime, get ready for some rough seas.

We are here to help so keep posting.  You have come to a great place.

LuckyJim

[Jimmyfran]

Hi guys, thanks for the support.

Jim - if my friends told me what I wrote above I would tell them to run run run as fast as you can. I agree too with the description of it as being like on a rollercoaster - it feels like a rollercoaster out of control and at times very scary.

Michelle does your partner recognise their BPD/willing to work on it ?

The problem with my partner is despite counselling (not for BPD etc) nothing ever seems to get better and no matter how many times she says she wants to change it just never happens (she may be fine for a couple of weeks but then there is another incident or reason to be angry with me).  The conclusion of which is that I have started to feel she is a lost cause and that hurts so much because I dont want her to suffer.

[Michelle27]

Jimmyfran, when I discovered the existence of BPD 4.5 years ago and realized it fit him perfectly, I made the mistake of telling him about it and of course, he denied that it was a problem for him.  I tried everything, dragging him to the hospital, visiting our doctor for a discussion, 3 different marriage counselors and a couple's communication course.  But he sabotaged it all (and yes he admits that now). 

Now, however, he is fully on board with the fact that there's a problem and is throwing himself into therapy including requesting a referral to a psychiatrist and getting seen by our local mental health organization.  There's a small part of me that worries he's doing this just to try to "keep" me but time will tell.  I have made the decision to stay separated for a few months as he heads into therapy so we can both heal and for him to show that his efforts are for him and not just to keep me.  He's even reading some books on BPD written for those who have it.

[Jimmyfran]

Hi Michelle,

I really hope it works out for you and your partners therapy helps.

I did try to do what you did and tell my partner that I believe she has BPD and tried to explain what it was and how we could try to work through it and help her get treatment.

I was hit out at straight away with I don't have BPD and it hurts me you would even suggest such a thing.

I have just returned from work now and had a message from her with a draft of an email she has written to my mother and is threatening to send.  Basically calling me a liar/failure.  What i do not understand is why she always wants to bring other people into things (id presume its just because it knows it hurts me and so she does it to deliberately inflict pain on me)

[JohnLove]

Hi Jimmyfran, I read your post, everything you wrote is very distressing. It sounds like you entered this relationship on the rebound. Only you know about the good you have found in it... .but it seems to being SEVERELY undermined by mental illness, and that's very sad.

Most people with mental illness really believe there's nothing wrong with them, many people here as well as therapists believe confronting a pwBPD is a really bad idea as I also believe you have experienced. You may now be subject to a period of extreme devaluation and potentially discarded now that she "knows" you are on to her. Be prepared for this.

The smear campaigns you have described to your friends and family as well as hers when her relationships go south is the same you will be subjected to and is right out of the BPD playbook.

The threatening draft email to your Mother is triangulation and is very abusive. Causing you hurt and inflicting pain is the simple and obvious part. She seeks to devalue you and undermine your most significant relationships... .it is controlling behaviour at best and I suspect a way of increasing her status in your eyes by making others "look" far worse because she really can't do any better... .and that my friend is TRAGIC.

You need to look after yourself... .because she isn't going to.

[Jimmyfran]

Hi John,

Thanks for your message and support.

I'd not read very much about the triangulation concept but can see by what you describe how she has frequently used that against me.  She has tried to draw other people into our conflicts regularly or alternatively tell me about some other guys that are interested in her (to the point of sending me screenshots of other guys flirting with her). Again surely not something a healthy person does unless they are sadistic and deliberately set out to make someone suffer/anxious. 

She told me last night again how she wants to be single/how she is going to plan her own vacations  alone this summer (to the places I've previously told her I would like to visit). 

She  has also been telling me how she has just spent thousands of pounds on rings/necklaces for herself despite her knowing that in the last 3 months I have worked so so many hours

just to be able to afford to spend thousands on flights for her/events for her - all to make her happy and loved.

Its like she is blind to all the good things and focuses purely on negatives. 

I've written a list of all the good and wonderful things i've done for her which I'd love to reveal to her but I don't even think she would be able to see the words.