You're perpetuating the myths of mental illness...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know not all BPD people are abusive. I know it can be mitigated with therapy. But my Mom didn't choose therapy. She chose to continue her behavior and also choose to be abusive even when I set boundaries and consequences (which she outright ignored--see last post). She chose that over me. I grieved, yes, I came to terms with it. I'm dealing with the aftermath.

--;; Despite that, I get told that I'm not supposed to speak ill of my mother. That I'm just making mental illness advocacy worse (But I am prone to depression, so I'm not quite sure how that works.) I can ignore that... .and I'm definitely not playing the victim card--she made a choice on her own which had nothing to do with her mental illness. (Do they KNOW my mom? No. Do they have to deal with her behavior? No.)

She *is* a person outside of her mental illness, but, really, sometimes she prefers to back into it than show her true self (who isn't half so obnoxious and terrible as she thinks that person really is--just vulnerable, but everyone is like that.) (Not highlighting her personhood to protect her privacy, 'cause while she won't afford that courtesy, I will do that for her 'cause I try to be decent (which wins over her).)

I guess I'm a bit frustrated by the people outside of this relationship. It was a T who said she probably had BPD and had to deal with her behavior and saw it. So I'm still going to say uBPD, but I have a strong suspicion she's somewhere in that area.

Not sure what to say to the mental health groups. 'cause I think it's stupid to pull out the depression/anxiety card. (Which I've been suffering a lot this week due to her recent behavior.)

[DesertChild]

I know not all BPD people are abusive. I know it can be mitigated with therapy. But my Mom didn't choose therapy. She chose to continue her behavior and also choose to be abusive even when I set boundaries and consequences (which she outright ignored--see last post). She chose that over me. I grieved, yes, I came to terms with it. I'm dealing with the aftermath.

--;; Despite that, I get told that I'm not supposed to speak ill of my mother. That I'm just making mental illness advocacy worse (But I am prone to depression, so I'm not quite sure how that works.) I can ignore that... .and I'm definitely not playing the victim card--she made a choice on her own which had nothing to do with her mental illness. (Do they KNOW my mom? No. Do they have to deal with her behavior? No.)

She *is* a person outside of her mental illness, but, really, sometimes she prefers to back into it than show her true self (who isn't half so obnoxious and terrible as she thinks that person really is--just vulnerable, but everyone is like that.) (Not highlighting her personhood to protect her privacy, 'cause while she won't afford that courtesy, I will do that for her 'cause I try to be decent (which wins over her).)

I guess I'm a bit frustrated by the people outside of this relationship. It was a T who said she probably had BPD and had to deal with her behavior and saw it. So I'm still going to say uBPD, but I have a strong suspicion she's somewhere in that area.

Not sure what to say to the mental health groups. 'cause I think it's stupid to pull out the depression/anxiety card. (Which I've been suffering a lot this week due to her recent behavior.)

[BlueCat]

I get both sides  .

My mother also won't get real help but I understand it's because of her illness. She has gone to therapists, but, as an example, one of her therapists was a friend she grew up with and partied with on the weekends. That's the kind of "help" she is willing to get.

I feel bad for her and I know it's not her fault she is the way she is. I know it's not as simple as making a choice.

But I also know that I *needed* to be able to say what I needed to say to get better. I had to allow myself to be angry (something she didn't allow when I was a child - only she was allowed to get angry) and allow myself to feel sorry for myself and sometimes I needed to blast her and trash her name just get it all out.

So I feel sorry for those with mental health issues, I truly do, but I don't think that means that those who have suffered at their hands (some of whom developed mental health issues themselves) have to tip toe around their feelings. We need to do what we need to do to make ourselves better and stop the cycle of abuse.

[Sasha026]

Desert Child,

You stated that "not all BPD people are abusive". I don't know whether I agree with that. From everything that I have read, most of them put their families through hell with constant dramas, not only that, but they also hurt themselves trying to draw attention.

Whatever you do, don't put others feelings in front of your own. You, as well as all of the other posters, have been through the mill with a damaging parent. You have the right to feel bad for yourself. Just don't be like me and go in and out of sadness, anxiety and panic attacks. Those are the worst!

My mother was wicked... .pure and simple. I think everyone knows that but that doesn't mean that your mom didn't hurt you just as much. I think you shouldn't be afraid to say that here.

... .or maybe I'm misunderstanding your post.

[DesertChild]

You stated that "not all BPD people are abusive". I don't know whether I agree with that. From everything that I have read, most of them put their families through hell with constant dramas, not only that, but they also hurt themselves trying to draw attention.

There are BPD people on the milder end of the spectrum and higher functioning. These people don't always put their family through the wringer.

And there are BPD people who *are* able to get help, and get help early enough that it doesn't cause issues in the long run. I throw my hat off to them, because it shows that you can mitigate the symptoms if one chooses to, which was previously thought (reading the history) to be "hopeless". It's still under debate if you can get rid of the cause, though.

I know there are people like that out there. My mom just doesn't want to be one of them. Perhaps it is the disease, perhaps it is her. But her actions towards me still had an impact on me and I have to accept that to overcome them.

Because my Mom played the world black and white, I fight for the grays. Because she acted as if people were either good or evil, I fight for the ground that says that it depends on the situation. I win over her when I do this.

So I know that not all BPD people go into witch/waif mode. Everyone is different and the mental illness can manifest in different ways. It's my way of being fair. It's also the way I remember I'm not BPD.

But it annoys me to some extent that I'm not supposed to talk about her since it will set back an advocacy group... .(Outside of these forums) Maybe I'm just venting a little... .

[Sasha026]

Oh! I knew I didn't understand what you were saying. I'm happy for you that your mother was able to get help. It's to her credit that she's trying. I didn't have that kind of luck.

I tried to get my mother help. As a matter of fact, I made it a prerequisite that she see someone before I would talk to her again after one of her "visits".  That didn't go very well. Her therapist called me (with her permission) and asked me, "what do you think is wrong with your mother". Thinking that was a strange question from a therapist, I said, "Well, psychology is not my field, but from what I've read, I think she's suffering from BPD." He said, "You're right, she has a problem and I cannot treat her so I'm having another doctor take her case." Well, that didn't go over too well. I don't know what the therapist told her, but the new doctor wasn't acceptable to my mother. Her reason? He was fat.  You see, my mother was convinced that I was insane and persecuting her. She thought she could get the therapist on her "side" and HE would take me down. He didn't (thank God). I've known people that were very convinced by my mother that I was at fault. Heck, I was convinced it was my fault. She sold Real Estate for a living for 30 years. She could sell ice to an Eskimo (as they say). I just knew that something was terribly wrong and she wasn't even trying to help fix it.

Anyway, I'm glad you're having a better time with this. And, you're right - there is a broad spectrum with this disorder. Just don't let anyone tell you that you can't vent. Vent away! 

[DesertChild]

Oh! I knew I didn't understand what you were saying. I'm happy for you that your mother was able to get help. It's to her credit that she's trying. I didn't have that kind of luck.

I tried to get my mother help. As a matter of fact, I made it a prerequisite that she see someone before I would talk to her again after one of her "visits".  That didn't go very well. Her therapist called me (with her permission) and asked me, "what do you think is wrong with your mother". Thinking that was a strange question from a therapist, I said, "Well, psychology is not my field, but from what I've read, I think she's suffering from BPD." He said, "You're right, she has a problem and I cannot treat her so I'm having another doctor take her case." Well, that didn't go over too well. I don't know what the therapist told her, but the new doctor wasn't acceptable to my mother. Her reason? He was fat.  You see, my mother was convinced that I was insane and persecuting her. She thought she could get the therapist on her "side" and HE would take me down. He didn't (thank God). I've known people that were very convinced by my mother that I was at fault. Heck, I was convinced it was my fault. She sold Real Estate for a living for 30 years. She could sell ice to an Eskimo (as they say). I just knew that something was terribly wrong and she wasn't even trying to help fix it.

Anyway, I'm glad you're having a better time with this. And, you're right - there is a broad spectrum with this disorder. Just don't let anyone tell you that you can't vent. Vent away! 

I'm saying that my mother chose NOT to. But I know that people who are BPD can choose to and can get better and thus not cause issues. I wish to be fair to those who do have BPD have tried and have won over their mental illness.

My Mom isn't one of them. But I will heartily say that those who do have BPD, have gotten themselves treated--I wish them the best. Their own self-awareness means they are treating those around them better.

It's the whole, "People who are mentally ill are made out to be terrible people" trope. And I can understand that from the mental health community... .but at the same time, it's just truth that my mom chose not to get help and chose breaking the relationship over getting help. And I'm not going to be entrenched in FOG trying any further.

Still don't get why I need to be quiet about her. I think the real story here is that with help it won't affect others (given the right situations)--not that mental illness is somehow all "evil". And "help" need not be therapy, per se... .though I think that can speed things up, especially for difficult cases, such as BPD, but enough self awareness to take care of the problem and take responsibility for it without using it as the auto-crutch.

So I don't understand the being silent part for those outside of the people who don't experience it. )I've also talked down people who think all NPD people are abusive. *Some* are, but some can also mitigate and some never are abusive and still have it).