Extinction Burst: uBPD sisters worst self revealed during Estate Negotiations;

[Mommydoc]

Navigating the intricacies of co-managing our parents' trust with my sister has become even more challenging post our mother's passing. During the memorial service, my sister shifted abruptly from affectionate to threatening legal action if I didn't comply with her demands. This unsettling behavior continued with relentless harassment, escalating tensions. Despite completing a trust accounting in accordance with state law, my sister, after sitting on it for 5 months, and after my mother passed, hired an attorney and is threatening baseless objections and legal action.

Despite my attorney's reassurance, my sister's willingness to distort the truth poses the risk of a difficult legal battle. I offered her highly favorable terms for a settlement that diverges from the 50/50 described in the trust documents. (Approx 2/3 to her 1/3 to me), but she argues she is “losing” as she is seeking retribution for all I have done to wrong her, leading to an emotionally draining negotiation spanning almost two months. It is impossible to negotiate with someone whose emotions = facts, and actual facts are distorted or spun. She declines to recognize the appraised real estate value and claims double the actual cash assets, making it impossible to agree on the total trust valuation. The recent proposed settlement faced hurdles as she pressured me to sign without legal review and made questionable changes removing legal protections for me. I maintain boundaries, and am awaiting her response to the legal settlement draft my attorney drafted in response . She has been in a full narcissistic rage/ extinction burst for several days and so I notified my attorney all communication needs to go through the attorneys. She gets triggered every time she talks to her attorney and rants and blames those costs on me. It remains unclear what she will do, but some of her leverage will be eroded as the third extension on objections will eventually expire.

Emotionally exhausted, I engage in self-reflection, journaling, meditation and exercise and seek support from friends and family amidst the constant gaslighting and attacks. Choosing this settlement is a step towards closure and self-care, acknowledging that I am not a victim. Forgiving my sister becomes an act of self-liberation, freeing myself from expectations of her self-awareness or kindness. I deserve freedom from this intolerable relationship. I take solace knowing I protected and honored both of my parents wishes and feel honored with the trust they put in me. I am profoundly sad to witness my sister at her very worst self. I acknowledge it is hard to be your best self when grieving and forgive, but I cannot forget her behavior and words.

Seeking support and guidance

[zachira]

I am so sad for you. You have been very generous and kind to your sister. Having your sister only go through your attorney and hers is really a smart move that will likely protect you from the worst of your sister and make things easier for you. I had to do this with my sister. What is key here is to remember that you are your sister's target and there is nothing you can do to change that. Your attorney is less of a target. Once two people have their own separate attorneys than the  attorneys usually negotiate for their clients and refuse to speak directly to the client of the opposing attorney, at least in my case that was true. It sounds like you have determined what your boundary is as to how much of the estate you are willing to give up, and making any more concessions will likely only prolong the settlement and increase your legal expenses. With my sister, I thought I set a boundary that would never work, and I was very impressed with how my attorney came up with a very clever strategy to settle. My attorney refused to settle anything until my sister signed an agreement to not sue me. You will need this, with your sister being as litigious as she is. My attorney told me people can file a lawsuit for any reason. Frivolous lawsuits can be very expensive, and if you have the right agreements signed then they will usually get thrown out of court fairly quickly. Sometimes the person filing a frivolous lawsuit is ordered by the judge to pay the attorney's fees of the other side. It may be comforting to remind yourself that your mother's estate will get settled at some point. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you, and hope significant relief for you is coming sooner rather than later.

[Mommydoc]

Thanks Zachira, your situation has always been so helpful to me. Just a few days ago, my sister sent me an agreement that she claimed her attorney said was legally sound. She threatened me if I didn’t sign immediately and also told me not to engage my attorney. I My attorney took one look at it, and said, you cannot sign that. My attorney  crafted a new settlement agreement that has extensive legal language that protects her from suing me in the future. My sister constantly wants to engage directly with me, as she is freaked out about her legal costs but she has created this situation.  She has a very favorable agreement waiting for her to sign and I think she desperately wants the money. I stayed in conversation with her to assure we actually got to agreement (my attorney agreed with the strategy and thinks we saved time by doing it). I laughed when you said I am the sole target, because my sister has totally villanized my attorney and believes all of our issues are because of her. It’s OK, my attorney has been fantastic at protecting my mom and me, and her effectiveness is reflected in how hard my sister tries to exclude her! I am just exhausted by the journey. Ready to put this relationship in the rear view mirror. Your experience gives me so much hope! Thank you.

[Pook075]

Question- why offer any terms at all outside of your mother's wishes in the trust?  The whole reason she set up a trust is because they're pretty much ironclad and can't be challenged.  If I were in that position, I'd stick to the trust terms and refuse anything else.  You're forced to have a lawyer so let your attorney do her job.

In terms of your sister, her problems are not your problems.  Maybe she feels like she deserves more...good for her.  Your mom didn't feel that way and it's why this was set up the way it was.  Let your sister waste as much money as she wants making frivolous claims, etc.  It's unfortunate but that's not your problem.  It may mean you have to wait additional time to get this completed, but that's not something you control if she wants to act this way.

I hate you're going through this, but please remember that this is not your problem.  The law is on your side and your sister's wishes/demands have nothing to do with you.  Just say no and leave it at that.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry Mommydoc-

I don't have a parallel to this exactly but I recall BPD mother was very cruel at the time my father passed. There was no inheritance to dispute- by law, whatever they owned was hers but for sentimental items- she made it a point to not let me have anything at the time- even if she had no interest in them or if they had value.

We also didn't see her grieve in what we think is the usual way. Perhaps her behavior was how she was processing her feelings.

Seeing how your sister is behaving in an oddly similar way- not acting on something she wants ( she does want the funds but you have offered her generous funds) but another motivation- to be sure you don't get them. To cause you hurt. Not because it's "you" but because in some way she is hurting and now projecting her feelings at you.

BPD mother was very cruel and it made no sense in terms of her wanting them. Items she didn't even want, she'd rather have given them to someone else or thrown them out rather than to let me have them. This wasn't her acting out and accidental. It was deliberate and for me-shocking. I didn't think she'd go that far. I was grieving. How could someone act like this with their child who just lost a father?

I don't know about your sister but BPD mother doesn't have empathy or much awareness of how someone else feels. She's focused on how she feels. Most likely she felt bad at the time and so was also projecting. There's a saying "hurting people hurt others".

This doesn't make your sister's behavior acceptable. It's not. But seeing how destructive her behavior is, and how your generosity has not placated her- how it seems she'd rather the money go to lawyers through dispute than to accept her generous share- is her motivation driven by her hurt feelings more than her wanting the money?

You have been generous to her, attempting to appeal to what you assume is her motivation- wanting money. But what if what is going on is one big disregulation of her own hurt feelings projected at you and whatever your mother left behind?

Your mother didn't want to do this but to a person with BPD- your mother "abandoned her" and she's angry. This was the other surprising behavior from my mother. My father was ill. He didn't choose to have that happen, yet my mother acted out in anger. He also wasn't doing anything to her but in her own thinking, perhaps she thought he was. You have been involved with your mother through both being her daughter but also with an understanding of her condition. This doesn't change the grief you are feeling at the loss but you understand how this happened and so when the feelings are there- you process them with what you understand. For your sister- feelings are facts.

You are looking at your sister's behavior through your own intellectual processing. In this context, it doesn't make sense. You have done nothing wrong and you don't deserve to be treated this way. If she wants money, you have been generous. Yet she continues to do what she's doing.

When BPD mother is enraged, she's destructive- to property, to relationships. PwBPD have difficulty managing their own feelings and in this state, for BPD mother someone else, or something else, is to blame. On the Karpman triangle, she feels like a victim, and so she feels justified to act on that. It could be that your sister is acting out- and destroying your mother's inheritance and her relationship with you in the process.

How to respond? If you respond emotionally or in anger- taking action - you are acting on the triangle. I think this is a situation for boundaries- you have already been generous. Stick to what your mother has decided on- that is the legal document. Your sister can dispute all she wants but the law is the law and what is written holds no matter what. Your generosity isn't being effective here.

Damage control- how much of your mother's funds can you protect from your sister? She can do what she wants with her share but yours is yours. If your sister is in a destructive state - she's not being rational. You need to be.

This behavior feels hurtful to you but it isn't about you. Your sister is acting out but it's in a destructive way. Protect what you can. It's not being greedy or unfair to her to do that. It's protecting your mother's property.

It's hard to manage all this while you are grieving too. Sending you a virtual hug.

[WishIwasNora]

Mommydoc, I so feel for you. My father died in late March and I'm experiencing a similar situation with my sister (the executrix), or rather my brother-in-law who has BPD. He is controlling her actions by his usual abusive bullying. For no good reason, he is also demonizing me. I think she's almost grown to believe it as he screams stuff about me near all day, every day. I live abroad and recently my sister has ceased communicating we. He's doing the same towards his sisters, as their mother recently died and his eldest sister is that executrix. If he can't control, he declares war. Sadly, via my sister, he's taking some control over what also affects me. I also hired my own lawyer a while back. My sister's (or their) lawyer had even wanted to trick me into signing a waiver that I relinquish the ability to question anything relating to the estate administration. My lawyer also told me not to sign such a thing. The whole process is dragging on and on, but will eventually be resolved. If my sister continues not to communicate with me, I must accept that. The hard part for her is that her husband reads all of her texts and emails and is always listening in on phone/video conversations. I believe he checks her phone call history. She's a prisoner to him. A wuss and lifelong victim of abuse. I feel for her, but still won't let them cheat me.

If you were entitled to 50% in the trust. You deserve 50%. I wouldn't give in to them or be bullied to accept less. My sister (or b-i-l) already got more physical belongings than me, as I live in Europe and they wanted stuff that I couldn't bring back to my home. I left the US with six old photographs, the hospital bracelet my mother wore when I was born, and a painting. The painting was valued at $2,500. They (the b-i-l) instead wanted an antique gun worth $6,000. I agreed to that. They (the b-i-l) wanted to buy me out of some of my father's property. That's been a nightmare, as they initially wanted to buy me out at a ridiculously low price. I wish my father's will would have demanded it be sold to fetch the highest price, instead. When all of this is done, I will be open to talking to my sister if she ever responds. But the b-i-l is pretty much dead to me.

[WishIwasNora]

"dead to me", meaning I plan to never think about that man ever again. And would request she never mention him to me. He will never ever have any control over things that affect me again. I don't like being abused!

[Methuen]

Oh dear Mommydoc.  I feel for you.

From afar, it seems that your sister has been successful at drawing you in.

You have done everything you can to be reasonable, which includes offering her more than what was in the Trust.

Still she fights and causes chaos.  So, your efforts aren’t working because she won’t play reasonably. But she has been very successful at keeping you drawn into contact.

Without knowing the intricacies of your situation, I can say I am with Pook.  Let the trust play out with the intent that was put into it.  Like NW says, step off the triangle. 

Disengage.  Let the lawyers do their work, just like patients let you do your work as a physician to heal them or save their lives, or ease their suffering at the end. 

Is it possible to withdraw your generous offer of 2/3 - 1/3, and just go back to honor the wording of the trust?

You have been desperately  trying to reason and negotiate with a person who has an active mental illness.  It seems like this isn’t working.  Time for a new strategy? 

The situation with my mom is different.  She refused to have home care services to put drops in her eyes.  She has Parkinson’s but insists she can do it herself.  The drops run down the side of her face.  They do not get in her eye.  But she says they do. She is deemed competent to make her own bad decisions.  As her daughter, I had to accept that my mom was choosing a slow and emotionally painful progression towards advancing blindness which was either largely preventable, or at least could have been slowed down by some years. Now I have to listen to her express her anxiety about how hard and scary it is to be going blind on top of all her other myriad of serious health conditions.  She bathes herself in self pity and “poor me”.

I think it’s hard for us to accept their actions and decisions which are even more destructive to them, than they are to us.

It’s like they self sabatage but they take everyone down with them in the process, if we allow ourselves to react and be guided by their behaviors and emotions, then we are drawn into their world and craziness too.. 

My mom’s expectations were that I be available to put her drops in.  I work, have a life, and am not able to do this 4X a day every day forever.  It wasn’t a reasonable ask. Nothing about the behaviors of BPD is reasonable. 

You are trying to be reasonable with a person who is unreasonable. 

My mom blames me for everything including things I wasn’t even present to be blamed for.  Your sister will do this too.  We can’t control that.  If you give an inch, she will take a mile.  You have seen that the 2/3 - 1/3 offer isn’t enough. 

I am so sorry. The illness is the stuff of nightmares. 

She has kept you drawn in to her world.  I have not walked a mile in your moccasins, or had to work with lawyers. Is it even possible to step away from interactions with her, and let the lawyers handle it?  It just seems like you’re trying to negotiate with crazy, and it’s not working.

[Mommydoc]

NotWendy, thank you for sharing your experience with your mother when your father died and WishIwasNora what you are going through now with your BIL and sister. It is really the same scenario. In therapy, I am trying hard to give space to my own grief and process it separately. When my father died, I didn’t understand or recognize my sisters BPD, and got sucked into the drama triangle, and all my attention went there. My mom was a great source of support and by anchoring to helping her transition and grieve I got through it. This time I have so much greater awareness, and tools, and so in some ways it is easier. But dealing with the estate and not having my mom, to provide support and focus on, makes it harder.

This morning she is asking for photos of all my mom’s personal effects and a bunch of records. She frequently make broad requests for “all records” and then when she gets them, never acknowledges or acts on them. It is all about demanding them from me and getting me to jump through her hoops. have decided not to respond and will check in with my attorney, requesting that all requests go through the attorneys for transparency, as my sister HATEs racking up billable hours and the attorneys can agree on what is really needed and required.

Pook and IwissIwasNora, you are absolutely correct that the trust language was written in such a manner that I absolutely deserve 50%.  I made the decision to offer her favorable terms in return for her resignation and release of liability.  There are times where fighting for fairness and equity have too high a cost. I calculated what I thought my 50% would be after a legal battle, and decided that’s what I wanted to walk away with in a settlement. She is getting some real estate that I don’t want and some cash, and I am getting cash. She wanted more. By her taking the real estate there is some risk avoidance in addition to the  legal risk avoidance. I knew from the beginning I didn’t really have an attachment to the real estate or the money, but letting go of my attachment to fairness was much harder. After a lot of self reflection, I realized that it was never going to be fair. I could fight for the extra 10% to make it equitable and fair, but it could take years, and after attorneys fees, we would both walk away with less, after a lot of emotional turmoil. Because she is willing to lie, distort facts and make crazy unfounded accusations, that process would not have really been fair either. Once I realized it was never going to be fair, I was able to focus on what I need going forward.

What is important to me right now, is walking away from this relationship. I would have walked away a long time ago, but my sister and I were bound as Co Trustees. She has agreed to resign as Co Trustee.  I would prefer to preserve the assets of the trust and be able to fully let go of this relations hip than to stay in the daily back and forth that we have been in recently. I am not confident she will sign off, but we are seemingly close. If she does not sign off, I am prepared to petition the court to proceed with execution of the trust according to the trust terms and her removal as Trustee. Unfortunately she will file her objections and that will likely hold everything up, and consume a lot of time and financial resources to refute and defend. I never considered that I should say receipts for all of my mom’s diapers, ensure, toiletries, etc, etc, so I do have some vulnerabilities.

[Notwendy]

Mommydoc- It's ridiculous that you would be needing to save receipts for these items. It's makes sense that you would assume it's understood that you are not going to take your mother's money and would only use her money for her benefit.

I had a session with a lawyer to gain advice for dealing with my BPD mother. Her advice was to keep careful records of any money going out of her account once I had access to it. I don't have receipts as I don't make these kinds of purchases for her. I only have sent checks or online payments out of it for bills she has accrued and every check or online payment for her behalf is carefully documented. However, there is no reason for you to have assumed you needed to keep receipts for small things- that you probably picked up at a pharmacy on the way to see here when you assumed people knew your integrity.

I think the reason for your sister's behavior can not be appeased by your generosity is that in her own grief, anger, resentment, and jealousy of you, she wants to cause hurt more than she wants the agreed upon settlement, even if it creates harm to her share. Also to prolong the drama keeps you sucked into it with her. She does't want resolution. Drama is the relationship to her.

That is one thing I learned about BPD mother. Drama is how she relates to people. If I am not involved in drama with her- the relationship is dull and empty.

She's created the situation for drama with her by making reckless and self destructive decisions at her age because there's a bottom line with how much one can leave an elderly person to the consequences. Like Methuen's situation- as long as someone is "legally competent"- we can't intervene in their behavior, but in a way, we are in a position of "moral standby". While my mother does seek out medical care, she then decides if she wants to be compliant or not.

Her need to take control and oppose people telling her what to do makes it difficult to resolve issues with her. This, I believe is the secondary gain for not resolving concerns - whether or not it is with a health situation- like with Methuen's mother, or a financial concern- with my mother, or settling your mother's estate- you are seeking a reasonable solution. That is the issue at hand. But for your sister, and for Methuen and me- BPD mothers- there is the issue at hand that they may also want a solution for. But the opposing emotion is that if there was resolution, you would not be "sucked in" emotionally and they need that to feel connected to you.

With your sister, I think she is both fearful and hurt. I think she also senses that once your mother's estate is settled, your relationship is also going to change. You know that too and after all this, you have every right to walk away from her. I think the idea of you stepping away from the conversations and letting her deal with the lawyer is a good way for you to not reinforce her dragging this out. It's your attention she wants. Taking that away may make her less interested in prolonging the resolution of your mother's estate.

[Notwendy]

This may also be a power/control thing for your sister. You are a successful professional. You have been the decision maker for your mother's care. Although you have done nothing to make your sister feel "inferior" and less capable as you, she probably does feel that way. How does she gain power? By antagonizing you as she has done with the care of your mother. She can't impact you financially with your own finances but here, she has that possibility or thinks she can.

[zachira]

I respect you for the healthy boundaries you are now setting with your sister. I also understand your thinking about dealing directly with your sister until it was time for your attorney to take over. There are clearly spelled out consequences if your sister does not take your generous offer. To keep on negotiating with your sister and/or her attorney, only plays into your sister continuing to project onto you and your attorney how badly she feels deep down inside. Not taking any of the real estate is a very smart move and protects you from a lot of interactions and drama you don't need.

What do you know about your sister's attorney? I was well aware that attorneys with similar specializations often know each other quite well, and know how to make concessions to the opposing side when it makes sense to do so. I dealt with two horrible corrupt attorneys before I finally had the self respect to hire a well respected attorney who is known for the results he gets and the respect he gives to his clients. The attorney I hired who settled my case volunteered to me in the initial interview that he and my sister's attorney were often on opposing sides, and that sometimes he won and sometimes the other attorney won. I do believe that having two decent opposing attorneys each working for the best outcomes for their clients was in my best interests. I kept thinking that my sister's attorney would at some point realize that my sister is a malignant narcissist and want to bring the case to a close. Do you think your sister's attorney wants to keep her as a client? Is there any possibility her attorney has tried to get your sister to fire him/her? Attorneys who feel he/she can no longer work with a client often offer the client a chance to sign a document that would fire the attorney. If the client refuses to sign this document, than the attorney is often stuck with the client unless the client does something that allows that attorney to fire the client, like making threats against the attorney. The reason for my talking about this, is it could give you some much needed relief if you are able to find out more about what kind of attorney your sister has hired. Do ask if you don't know already what your attorney knows/thinks about your sister's attorney and if your attorney has had any prior contact either directly or indirectly. You could also do some of your own research on your sister's attorney. What you find out may give you some peace of mind. Whatever you find out, it does not sound like your sister has endless funds to pay her attorney so she may have to cave in and sign some kind of agreement settling the estate at some point. I think my sister agreed to settle because she realized I was going to go to court if necessary, and she was terrified of having all her awful behaviors exposed. You would not believe all the threats and documents I refused to sign that I received from my sister's attorney. Once it was clear where I stood, the case settled fairly quickly.

[Mommydoc]

That is good advice Zachira and your journey is encouraging. I have had both my attorney as well as an attorney friend try to research and try to get a sense of him. No one know of him directly so it was a bit limited. She fired her last attorney and now she  claims he never represented her, which is not true as we have emails from both him and her saying he did.  My attorney knew the first one and respected him. So far, my sense is she has actively tried to minimize her current attorney’s  involvement to keep billable hours in check and that he has complied. My attorney hasn’t seen any red flags so far.  I think I have gotten it as far as I can take it, and we just have to let it unfold… she will not respect my boundaries but I have to keep holding them.

Methuen, thank you for your supportive post. This really resonates

It’s like they self sabatage but they take everyone down with them in the process, if we allow ourselves to react and be guided by their behaviors and emotions, then we are drawn into their world and craziness too..

My mom’s expectations were that I be available to put her drops in.  I work, have a life, and am not able to do this 4X a day every day forever.  It wasn’t a reasonable ask. Nothing about the behaviors of BPD is reasonable.

You are trying to be reasonable with a person who is unreasonable.

My mom blames me for everything including things I wasn’t even present to be blamed for.  Your sister will do this too.  We can’t control that.  If you give an inch, she will take a mile.  You have seen that the 2/3 - 1/3 offer isn’t enough.

I am so sorry. The illness is the stuff of nightmares.

Nothing is ever enough. She actually can’t even acknowledge that the offer benefits her. Yesterday she told me “I have given up on win win”. She refuses to acknowledge the real estate appraisal or the trust valuation described by the trust. Every thing is a wacky narrative she writes that is a result of her wounded psyche and need for retributions.

Notwendy, you have identified exactly what I fear.  Me breaking NC with her prior to my mom passing and since, is like someone with an addiction whose gone though rehab, relapsing and having a drink… they can’t control themselves. My husband believes she craves contact with me, but isn’t capable of healthy communication.

Her need to take control and oppose people telling her what to do makes it difficult to resolve issues with her. This, I believe is the secondary gain for not resolving concerns - whether or not it is with a health situation- like with Methuen's mother, or a financial concern- with my mother, or settling your mother's estate- you are seeking a reasonable solution. That is the issue at hand. But for your sister, and for Methuen and me- BPD mothers- there is the issue at hand that they may also want a solution for. But the opposing emotion is that if there was resolution, you would not be "sucked in" emotionally and they need that to feel connected to you.

I know that when I got hospice and the facility teams  to do the regular updates and FaceTimes for my sister with my mom, that things got better for me. I am hopeful that the lawyers managing the communication will make things better, even if it is costly, it forces civility at some level.  In the most recent calls I have been more assertive in restating boundaries and it has been effective in the moment. But it never lasts.

The point about power and control are also on point. She frequently uses the phrase “ I am your equal”. Whether I did anything to make her feel this way or not, she feels that I marginalized her. Because she was so uncooperative, and regularly “blocked”  everything, to be my mom’s advocate I had to take on all of the responsibility. She did nothing but block, disrupt and complain. I think both my parents recognized this but didn’t really know how to deal with it. The biggest mistake they made ( and I didn’t challenge at the time), was making as co-Trustees. 

Trying to take it a day at a time, and believe that I will get through it. It may get worse before it gets better, but I am hoping the eye of the storm has passed.

[zachira]

It seems your sister's current attorney is allowing her to incriminate herself by allowing her to directly communicate with you and/or your attorney. Most reputable attorneys insist on being the ones to communicate with the opposing attorney because clients are emotionally involved in their case and don't have the legal background to know what they could say which would irreparably hurt their case.
It seems pretty obvious that you will win this case if it does go to trial, and if it does, there is no reason not to ask for everything you need and want. For years, I made many concessions with my sister and all it did was make her feel more entitled to abuse me. There is nothing we can do to curb the emotional dysregulations and need for scapegoats of a person who always makes themselves the victim.
One thing I am proud of is my sister hired the best legal firm in the state, and I won the case. I am sure that in the beginning she charmed the pants off the lawyers at that firm which is part of her NPD. It is often so hard to know who a person is until we have had many interactions with them over long periods of time. I think I looked better with time and my sister looked worse. I wonder what the attorneys who have worked with your sister think of her. It sounds like your attorney generally respects and likes you AND would be more motivated than any attorney your sister hires to do what you need to get the estate settled as quickly as possible.
I know you are hoping to get the estate settled and to move on with your life as soon as possible. One strategy I used with my sister is I gave up responding to any of her and her attorney's emails. My attorney directly communicated to her attorney and it was "no" on my part for everything requested because none of my sister's demands were reasonable and if I had agreed to any of them, it would likely have prolonged the settlement of my case much to my distress.

[Pook075]

Pook and IwissIwasNora, you are absolutely correct that the trust language was written in such a manner that I absolutely deserve 50%.  I made the decision to offer her favorable terms in return for her resignation and release of liability.  There are times where fighting for fairness and equity have too high a cost. I calculated what I thought my 50% would be after a legal battle, and decided that’s what I wanted to walk away with in a settlement. She is getting some real estate that I don’t want and some cash, and I am getting cash. She wanted more. By her taking the real estate there is some risk avoidance in addition to the  legal risk avoidance. I knew from the beginning I didn’t really have an attachment to the real estate or the money, but letting go of my attachment to fairness was much harder. After a lot of self reflection, I realized that it was never going to be fair. I could fight for the extra 10% to make it equitable and fair, but it could take years, and after attorneys fees, we would both walk away with less, after a lot of emotional turmoil. Because she is willing to lie, distort facts and make crazy unfounded accusations, that process would not have really been fair either. Once I realized it was never going to be fair, I was able to focus on what I need going forward.

What is important to me right now, is walking away from this relationship.

Here's the thing though- trusts are very difficult to break.  You offered a buyout (for lack of a better term) and she rejected it.  Fine.  Now you go back to the trust and let the attorneys handle it.

There's no reason for you to be personally involved anymore.  Block your sister's numbers and let her rage to others all she wants.  You speak to your attorney only and she gets to deal with all the drama.  That's why you have an attorney in the first place.  If your sister doesn't let up, get a restraining order in place...there's no reason to walk on eggshells here.

The reason I'm giving you this advice and standing to my guns is because your sister is not looking at this objectively.  You could offer 80% and she'd want 85.  Agree to that and she'll insist on 90.  This isn't about money or property at all, it's about her wanting to punish you and that won't change with monetary inheritance.  Either you cut her out like a cancer or you work on rebuilding a relationship with her...those are the two real options here.

One other thing that drives me nuts with this- I'm not on your side or her side.  I'm siding with your mom and her final wishes.  because that's who your sister is ultimately attacking, she's saying your mom was wrong and what she wanted doesn't matter.  And that boils my blood...the entitlement.  Standing up to your sister and letting your lawyer work is honoring your mom's final wishes.  To me that's the most important thing here.

[PearlsBefore]

I have a large number, X, siblings.

X-1 of the siblings have all agreed it likely isn't worth the drama of caring about estates when the inevitable happens; so that one sibling who REALLY cares (and is currently exiled from the family anyways ) will probably get it all...save your mental health.

[Notwendy]

I agree- letting it all go to sister is one way to avoid the legal battle but as Pook mentioned- that isn't what your mother wanted.

There's the material aspect to settling a will, and also emotional. I think this is why so much dispute goes on. If the material aspect is significant, that also adds to the difficulty. One could walk away from it but then also feel resentful.

I like the idea of letting the will stand as is. It takes you out of the dispute. The conflict then becomes sister vs the law. She might decide to spend a part of it in her dispute with the lawyers but also when she sees what it is costing her, that might be an incentive for her to back off and accept how it's settled if she's not gaining any emotional interactions with you.

[Mommydoc]

I value everyone's viewpoint.  I acknowledge that this agreement doesn't align with my parents' wishes. Even beyond that,  there are other aspects of my sister's actions related to the memorial and burial that also deviate from their intentions and make me uneasy. Despite this, I believe my parents would advise me to prioritize my well-being over engaging in a destructive battle just to uphold the trust's terms. I journaled a lot about their thoughts and advice regarding my sister and I am trying to channel them as I make decisions. They granted me greater gifts than money by trusting me and allowing me to care for them in their final chapter. And I will walk  away with much more money than I ever expected from them.

Currently, the settlement agreement is with my sister's attorney, who may propose edits. My attorney will review them, and if not significant, she will recommend signing. If there are substantial changes, we'll either reject them or propose acceptable alterations. While I'm hopeful my sister will sign, I'm prepared for any outcome. The legal protections of the trust offer reassurance, and if needed, we can revert to that. If we don’t resolve this with an signed settlement agreement in the next 2 weeks when the objections deadline expires, my attorney suggests petitioning the court to execute the will and trust as written, despite my sister's objections, a path I'm comfortable taking if she doesn't sign.

I won't make further concessions. Despite my sister's recent requests, I've chosen not to respond directly, instead involving our attorneys. Today marks the first time in weeks she hasn't contacted me, and I'm rediscovering the peace of no contact. Looking forward to maintaining it!

[Notwendy]

I think you have done well to get yourself out of the dispute and let your sister deal with the attorneys.

Dealing with an estate involves emotions too. Seems that drama is inevitable when there is dysfunction involving emotions.

[livednlearned]

Mommydoc, it seems like the real injury here is that her way of grieving makes it hard for you to focus on yours.

I don't fully understand grief or how it works so can't really offer anything except curiosity and maybe a question for you.

If your sister were not dysregulating so hard, what would this grieving process look like for you? How are her behaviors interfering with what matters most to you? Not what matters most to your parents, not to her, not to your family, but to you?

I notice with my H, whose sister is dBPD, that his grief following the death of his father was subsumed because he had to focus on what she was doing which includes behaviors that would probably not surprise you.

I also noticed six months after the funeral that H was more impatient, less tolerant, quicker to feel hurt, more aggravated about small things. Like you, he's a physician. He carries a lot on his shoulders and can handle a lot. I have to pay close attention to catch when he's in pain and give him permission to feel what he feels without judgment, without implying he is weak just because he wants someone to take care of him, especially when he's in pain. I'm wondering if it's the same for you.  

It's tragic that untreated pwBPD cannot sit with their feelings. It is tragic that you had to fight so hard with your sister to protect your mother. Your anger is justified. Candidly, I would be surprised if you don't feel some anger toward your parents, as much as you love them, as forgivable as their choices may have been.

It is strange to say this, but I look back at the grief I felt when my marriage ended and I miss the sheer rawness. Not the physical sensation of pain, but the opportunity to feel emotionally out of control. Growing up with a BPD sibling made me feel like I had to be perfect. I had to be especially perfect/strong/capable/competent/reliable/successful, etc. when it came to tolerating adversity and adversarial people. I repressed a lot of emotions in order to be that person and that stunted me emotionally. I had blindspots that are maybe still there, but less so. I can see now what happens when I ignore them.

Good things happened because of who I was before my divorce -- I am amazing in a crisis. This seems to be common for people who grew up with a chaotic family member. Maybe you are this way too.

Your sister is a crisis. She cannot sit with her grief and she is making the outside match the inside.

I think the assignment for many of us is to handle the threats and take care of the business end of things -- there are often solutions to that stuff, as annoying as it can be to tend to that nonsense.

But the other assignment is to not let her misguided grieving process interrupt yours.

That's the real boundary.

All the other boundaries serve that one.

 

[Mommydoc]

Thank you livednlearned.  What a thoughtful post and thank you for asking. 

Seven years ago, when my father passed away, I was unaware of BPD and I was taken aback by how my sister handled the situation. It was horrific , hurtful and painful, but worst of all unexpected. In response, I returned to therapy, figured out she had BPD, and realized that my energy in the aftermath of my fathers death had been consumed by trying to navigate her behavior, leaving no room for my own grieving process. It was a very challenging and long journey.  My sisters grief was bizarre and prolonged.  In fact, many of her current actions and statements, make  it obvious to me that she still has not grieved my fathers death, 7 years later. There is no reason to believe it will be any different with my mom.  Having to settle the estate just makes it even harder. 

During that time, all my energy was dedicated to my work at the hospital, becoming a more devoted caregiver to my mom, and attempting to pacify my sister. The journey was challenging, but I learned a lot.  Over the last two years, my therapist and I extensively discussed the likelihood that as my mom's decline became more apparent to my sister,  it was predictable that her behavior would worsen. The only way forward was to prioritize my own space for  processing my feelings and grieving above all else.  With the cognitive decline associated with advanced Parkinsons and dementia, I experienced an intense sense of loss and grief well before my passed away.  I retired early, so I could have more time with my mom, but it has also made it much easier to focus on myself.  I also got a puppy, who has been an amazing emotional transition for me, as I lost my mom, this precious puppy has really helped me cope and grieve.   

I hope I've gone through the  worst of the grieving process, though it still comes in waves. The holidays, in particular, were challenging with heightened intensity. I try to embrace it each time it surfaces. Strangely, when my sister's behavior distresses me, it intensifies my grief rather than suppressing it, which may be helping me grieve.  I am reminded that my FOO is essentially gone, with only one sister with whom I struggle to maintain a healthy relationship and both my parents are gone.  That amplifies the sense of loss and loneliness.

These circumstances force me into self-reflection and journaling, circling back to the things my parents told me that helped make sense of it all. Their eventual validation of what they had denied for so long and their desire for me not to suffer become guiding lights in navigating through the complexities of grief and challenging family dynamics. And yes, I have felt anger, intense anger towards my sister at various times.   I have also felt anger towards my parents.   Therapy and a lot of Brene Brown have helped me understand, accept and work through my anger (actually welcoming it !)so I could dive deeper to the secondary emotions driving my anger as well as offer myself  self compassion by validating that emotion and taking  proactive self protective actions.   Welcoming anger was really hard for me, as I have always seen anger as a toxic negative emotion that I need to tap down.  Taking it as a gift has really changed my thinking a lot.

I guess that is a long winded way of saying, yes my sister behavior has impacted my grieving but perhaps in a much healthier way than it did 7 years ago.  By choosing to prioritize myself, my feelings, my  grief, my space,  it feels like though I am moving through it in a much healthier way  than I did last time.   

And the latest update... After constantly setting arbitrary deadlines to resolve the matter for 2 months, we finally agreed to terms of the settlement almost 2 weeks ago.My attorney then provided a legal agreement aligned with the terms 2 days later.  My sister and her attorney have sat on it almost 2 weeks, and their leverage to file objections to the accounting goes away less than a week from now.   stay tuned... it will be interesting!

[anon331312]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I also have a pwBPD sibling and we found that she really only cares about herself. Everything's about her and other people are just obstacles even though she relies heavily on others at the same time.

I have a feeling your sister could be a similar type of person. For her, everything is always about her and her benefit and you are currently in her way and hence you are evil in her book.

[ClaireB75]

I am so sorry to read this. How awful of your sister to behave this way after your mum has passed. It is truly terrible that she would deny your mother's wishes this way, and be abusive to you.

I know you said you weren't perfect because you didn't keep receipts for incidentals but surely the court would not rule in her favor for this alone? Yes, perhaps if the incidentals were tens of thousands in monetary value but surely not if they were not. No one is perfect and caring is incredibly stressful.

She is being a bully. It's what BPD people do. Sadly. I hope you can get to the end of this and move on without her in your life and find space to grieve.

[Pook075]

And the latest update... After constantly setting arbitrary deadlines to resolve the matter for 2 months, we finally agreed to terms of the settlement almost 2 weeks ago.My attorney then provided a legal agreement aligned with the terms 2 days later.  My sister and her attorney have sat on it almost 2 weeks, and their leverage to file objections to the accounting goes away less than a week from now.   stay tuned... it will be interesting!

This was a month ago- any updates?  I'd love to hear how the story concluded!

[zanyapple]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Like some have said in this thread, there is nothing you or anyone else can do, and I hope you find solace in knowing that you have done everything in your power to help her. There is nothing we can do for people that don't want to help themselves. They are adults that are capable of making decisions for themselves. And while we may not agree on their decisions, at the end of the day, they are adults. Sending hugs.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you, Pook, for inquiring about an update. I've been recovering from the emotional trauma of the situation and it's been too raw for me to share  it all until now. Despite years of therapy and preparation for the challenges I anticipated with my sister, the last few months have been incredibly difficult.

Over the past three months, my sister and I have been embroiled in negotiations over our parents' estate through phone calls, Zoom meetings, emails, and texts. My goals were to get her to step down as Co-Trustee and Co-Executor and to avoid costly litigation, which she was threatening. Managing the trust with her proved nearly impossible due to constant disagreements and obstructions, and settling the end of life expenses, trust and will would not have been possible with her as Co-Trustee.

Reaching an agreement was challenging. We went through numerous versions of settlement agreements, and despite reaching verbal agreements on terms three times, her lawyer repeatedly refused to engage with mine to finalize the terms. My sister kept adding more demands, while attempting to leverage a Trust Accounting performed a year ago, by challenging its validity.  Just two days before the objection deadline( which was extended 3 times on her attorneys request) my sister and her lawyer launched a relentless harassment campaign that last 4 days, against both my attorney and me. Recognizing the unethical behavior of her lawyer, my attorney advised me “to fire her immediately” and to replace her with a ruthless litigator to fight back. I was always confident that I would prevail if we pursued litigation.  However, I realized this approach wasn't aligned with my goals or what my parents would have wanted. It would have resulted in draining the estate in legal fees, prolonged emotional trauma, and a diminished inheritance for both of us.

Instead, I persisted in seeking a resolution. Against the odds, we finally signed a settlement agreement on 2/1. My sister agreed to resign from her roles after receiving specified distributions, while I would become the sole trustee and executor. Nothing is straightforward  with her, she insisted on arranging her sons distribution, but refused to let him communicate with me or sign a receipt for the distribution, she refused to acknowledge receipt of her distributions and delayed  getting the documents  notarized to have her removed from the Trust Accounts. She refused to let my attorney engage her attorney, and insisted on all documents and communication going between the two of us.   Despite her resistance and demands, I held firm to my boundaries, ensuring all necessary steps were completed before transferring the final real estate assets. It took her over 3 weeks, lots of firm grey rock responses to her many emails and texts,  to get her comply with things she was required to do immediately. I refused to talk with her by phone, despite her numerous phone calls.

Now, with everything signed and executed, I'm waiting on final tax returns from my accountant to wrap up the process. My lawyer sent me a note today commending me, “ You have done really well. I really truly did not think this outcome could happen.”

It’s going to be a a journey to recover and I still feel empty and depleted, but I am getting better every day.  My sleep is improving and I am finding joy in the many wonderful things in my life. I am so grateful to all of you for the incredible insights, advice and support. This is a great community and I can’t imagine surviving this ordeal without my BPD Family. Thank you all!

[zachira]

Mommydoc,
I am really impressed that you were able to pull this off and I have so much respect for you. It seems that sometimes we know what is best, because we are the experts on the situation as you are with your sister. Congratulations! Enjoy your well deserved rest.

[Notwendy]

I am glad for you that this got resolved. It's been a difficult situation and at a time when you are also grieving. I hope now that you can take some time to yourself - you have done the best you can with a tough situation.

[Pook075]

Now, with everything signed and executed, I'm waiting on final tax returns from my accountant to wrap up the process. My lawyer sent me a note today commending me, “ You have done really well. I really truly did not think this outcome could happen.”

It’s going to be a a journey to recover and I still feel empty and depleted, but I am getting better every day.  My sleep is improving and I am finding joy in the many wonderful things in my life. I am so grateful to all of you for the incredible insights, advice and support. This is a great community and I can’t imagine surviving this ordeal without my BPD Family. Thank you all!
[/quote

My BPD's are an ex-wife and a daughter, and I've been through similar scenarios.  The stress levels can be insane, but at least you were able to keep your eye on the end-goal to reach a conclusion.  It's over- which is a huge win all in itself.  Now you can breathe and decide the next steps for the rest of your family.

I'm so sorry you went through this, but I'm thrilled that it had a happy conclusion and the healing can begin.  You did awesome and it's something you should be proud of.

[ClaireB75]

You did amazing!! It would have been so easy to give into the urge to fight, litigate, go after her and make her pay, but you took the high road and I think you can hopefully find peace knowing you did the right thing, and ultimately what I do believe your parents would have wanted.
Will you go no contact/low contact or will you still need to be in contact if you don't mind me asking?