Close to closure, but emotionally exhausted

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was already emotionally drained after my mother's passing three months ago. I  anticipated my sister's escalating BPD behaviors and despite preparing myself, the intensity of the last several days surpassed my worst expectations. With unwavering support from my lawyer, therapist, family, and friends, I weathered the storm. The verbal abuse endured during negotiations was at an all time high, but I had to endure it, in order to move the negotiations forward. My sister's attorney employed extreme tactics, leaving even my tough estate attorney shocked. At the height of it, she asked me to fire her as she didn’t feel she could defend me adequately against an attorney so unscrupulous and told me she would help me find the meanest possible litigator to take  my sister down.  I begged her to hang with me and try to close the settlement. The recent days are a painful blur; sleep-deprived, two emergency therapy sessions, and fevers due to COVID-positive added to the strain. The agreement is signed, pending execution. My sister will resign as Co-Trustee and Executor, withdrew all objections, and signed a rock-solid covenant not to sue. While it resolves the legal turmoil, the emotional toll outweighs the  monetary loss. It is not an equitable agreement, but I achieved all my goals : her resignation, the covenant not to sue, and avoidance of litigation, which would have sucked me dry and left both of us with next to nothing, a huge disservice to my parents. I am walking away with more money than I think I would have if we had eroded the assets through litigation and that money is immediately available. It is not what my parents would have wanted, however my therapist reminds me that, they would be proud of my integrity and grace and that I stayed true to myself and my values. I think they would even acknowledge that this was a possibly  preventable situation if they had made different decisions, and would acknowledge their contributions.They would also understand that I now have to walk away from her completely now. I have never experienced the intensity of anguish that I felt this week, leaving me numb and hollow. All birthday plans, ( my husband I have bdays 3 days apart)are  canceled due to my quarantine, casting a shadow despite the ordeal's conclusion. He is leaving with my son tomorrow for a ski trip, so I will be alone in continuing quarantine (with my puppy) during a winter storm for my birthday. My husband says I should be happy, and I expected I would be, but I am not there. Hopefully with some sleep and time I will get there.  It will take a couple weeks to fully execute the agreement, but I am confident it will all happen, as most of it is contingent on my actions.  I want to thank this group for all the support, insights and advice you have given through this process. I will continue to lean on you for help as I recover and heal.

[Mommydoc]

I was already emotionally drained after my mother's passing three months ago. I  anticipated my sister's escalating BPD behaviors and despite preparing myself, the intensity of the last several days surpassed my worst expectations. With unwavering support from my lawyer, therapist, family, and friends, I weathered the storm. The verbal abuse endured during negotiations was at an all time high, but I had to endure it, in order to move the negotiations forward. My sister's attorney employed extreme tactics, leaving even my tough estate attorney shocked. At the height of it, she asked me to fire her as she didn’t feel she could defend me adequately against an attorney so unscrupulous and told me she would help me find the meanest possible litigator to take  my sister down.  I begged her to hang with me and try to close the settlement. The recent days are a painful blur; sleep-deprived, two emergency therapy sessions, and fevers due to COVID-positive added to the strain. The agreement is signed, pending execution. My sister will resign as Co-Trustee and Executor, withdrew all objections, and signed a rock-solid covenant not to sue. While it resolves the legal turmoil, the emotional toll outweighs the  monetary loss. It is not an equitable agreement, but I achieved all my goals : her resignation, the covenant not to sue, and avoidance of litigation, which would have sucked me dry and left both of us with next to nothing, a huge disservice to my parents. I am walking away with more money than I think I would have if we had eroded the assets through litigation and that money is immediately available. It is not what my parents would have wanted, however my therapist reminds me that, they would be proud of my integrity and grace and that I stayed true to myself and my values. I think they would even acknowledge that this was a possibly  preventable situation if they had made different decisions, and would acknowledge their contributions.They would also understand that I now have to walk away from her completely now. I have never experienced the intensity of anguish that I felt this week, leaving me numb and hollow. All birthday plans, ( my husband I have bdays 3 days apart)are  canceled due to my quarantine, casting a shadow despite the ordeal's conclusion. He is leaving with my son tomorrow for a ski trip, so I will be alone in continuing quarantine (with my puppy) during a winter storm for my birthday. My husband says I should be happy, and I expected I would be, but I am not there. Hopefully with some sleep and time I will get there.  It will take a couple weeks to fully execute the agreement, but I am confident it will all happen, as most of it is contingent on my actions.  I want to thank this group for all the support, insights and advice you have given through this process. I will continue to lean on you for help as I recover and heal.

[Notwendy]

Hi Mommydoc- thank you for sharing. To be dealing with the emotions of losing a parent and a family member with BPD can as best be summed up as chaos. It wasn't the exact same situation with my father's passing but this roller coaster of emotions and dealing with an irrational person is similar.

I also understand the trade between material loss and lessening the conflict. With my father, all money went to my mother but she also refused to allow me to have some of his sentimental items. I did eventually get some of them later but the only way I knew to be able to cope was to emotionally detach from my parents' material possessions.

I think this can be hard for others to understand. This isn't about money. It's about recognition of the relationship to your parents. It's about your parents' wishes. I don't know what my father would have wanted as BPD mother decided this for him. I didn't want "material" gain from him. I wanted recognition of my relationship to him, to know he was thinking about me.

Whether or not intended- the BPD family members' drama adds an element of disruption in what is already an emotionally difficult situation. I am glad you were able to arrive at closure and some kind of settlement. I get what your H is saying because he sees this through his own experiences. Financially, you didn't lose it all. But there are non material losses, for one, your parents, your parents' wishes, and your relationship with your sister. This is indeed very sad and you will be grieving this. And it's OK to do so.

Take care of yourself and keep posting here.

[GaGrl]

I would add to what Not Wendy said about grieving that you have been subjected to trauma by your sister before and since your mother's passing, and continued therapy to address the trauma will be helpful. Some work with EMDR could be helpful in regaining calm during moments when it all comes back and feels overwhelming.

I watched my mother as she went through her father's death and then her stepmother's. My step grandmother had managed to get my grandfather's will changed -- in the hospital as he was terminal with Alzheimer's. As with the original will, everything had been left to my step-grandmother, but my mother (only child) had been secondary should SGM pre-decease. So there was no reason to change my grandfather's will except to ensure that my mother knew she was being excluded, to hurt my mother. Yes, SGM was uNPD/BPD but my God, she could be purely mean.

My mother's cousin, a lawyer, asked if she wanted to contest. Mom made the decision to walk away, which included going Very Low Contact with her step-mother. She received several phone calls over the remaining years of SGM's life regarding medical decisions, and Mom had steeled herself by then to reply that SGM had never adopted her legally, so Mom had no standing to make decisions or arrangements. SGM's relatives had to pick up that responsibility. I was proud of Mom's decision to walk away and to be finished with a lifetime of abuse from her step-mother.

I hope you find pride in your decisions and comfort in those decisions being made with a wise-mind.

[zachira]

There is a lot to grieve when a parent dies and the relationships between siblings become so toxic that the only choice is for the siblings to have as little to do with each other as possible. Nothing but respect for you as you have shown everybody what kind of person you are, someone with integrity and common decency in an extremely difficult and painful situation with a sibling. Some losses are lifelong losses, such as the decision to end a relationship with a sibling, a person who is often the one who is with us from early life until close to the end. With lifelong losses, we need to grieve from time to time, as the memories come and go. You have so much in place to move forward, though you will likely always feel sad about having no choice but to end the relationship with your sister forever. Right now you are exhausted. The estate lawyer wanting to be fired and find you the best litigator possible speaks volumes. To settle the estate as soon as possible and not go down the long road of litigation with your sister means you are indeed done with this painful chapter in your life. Take some quiet peaceful time for yourself to heal. Keep us posted on how you are doing, as you enter this new chapter.

[anon331312]

>  At the height of it, she asked me to fire her as she didn’t feel she could defend me adequately against an attorney so unscrupulous and told me she would help me find the meanest possible litigator to take  my sister down

Out of curiosity, what was the other attorney trying to do?

I empathize with you. I view my own pwBPD as a force of nature that is irrational and not negotiable. She can do the dumbest and meanest things that would end up hurting herself and others. The best you can do for yourself right now is to cut off all ties with her. After all, your parents are already gone and there's no one else who would lament that loss of family cohesion.

[Mommydoc]

Thank you NotWendy, GaGrl, Zachira, and anon. The kindness, validation and support are so appreciated. NotWendy, thank you for acknowledging the non monetary losses. Though prolonged, I do feel like I had grieved my father in a healthy way. As I anticipated and prepared for my mom’s death, I was focused on creating space for my own grief and not letting my sister get in the way, that lasted about 6 weeks, so I need to pick up there. Over the last couple weeks I have been very aware of my parents and have been in many ways guided by their love and support. At one point I felt intense anger towards them for contributing/ creating this situation through their decisions. It needed to be surfaced. I spent time on that with my therapist and ultimately wrote them a letter, letting go of that anger, forgiving them and myself, as I know we all did our best in a difficult situation. I realized that a different approach likely wouldn’t have changed my sister and her need for vengeance.

GaGrl thank you for sharing your mother’s story. It is similar. I am fully embracing this decision and choice, and stayed focused on my goal, which was moving forward in life without her. I had an image in my mind of putting her in the rearview mirror. About 3 weeks ago, I decided to create a photoshopped vision of the image. It was very therapeutic and it is on my vision board. I mentally called on that image as I was  working with my attorney and making decisions. I am considering EMDR.

Zachira your words are so comforting, as you have always been an incredible inspiration to me, having walked this path in front of me. I always resonate and am comforted by your posts.

anon, unfortunately our sisters sound very similar. I am planning to cut ties, but will not be able to do so until I complete the execution of the trust and will, which with this behind us should be straightforward. My attorney doesn’t like it, but I am insisting that all communication go through her.  Her attorney, refused to engage despite verbal agreement on terms, consistently avoided communication, was extremely passive aggressive, delayed settlements, and created baseless false allegations against my lawyer and me with aggressive language as a tactic to extort more and more. They both tried repeatedly to get me to make agreements without legal consultation.

But it is behind me. Yesterday was my birthday, my son flew in,  I tested negative for COVID and was able to go out to celebrate at a beautiful restaurant with my husband and son. I got tons of bday wishes from my friends and family. We had a beautiful blanket of snow and my puppy was ecstatic playing in it for her first time. My husband and son left this morning for a ski trip and I am going to go skiing with one of my best friends, who I haven’t seen since before my mom died.

I chose the word embrace for 2024. I have embraced this decision and I am looking forward to embracing the many transitions in my life. I am thrilled with my decision to transition out of my prior job and am learning and growing in my new solo venture as an executive coach.  Leaving behind my identity as a physician and leader has been easier than expected. I now am letting go of my identity as a daughter, sister, and caregiver. I feel more relief than sadness. I realize I have spent 5 years protecting my mom and fighting for her wishes and needs. It’s feels good to let go of that and to have the spaciousness of time to focus on my business, hobbies, being outdoors, and the many positive relationships I am blessed with.

Thank you again for the support.

[GaGrl]

I'm excited to hear that you are moving forward as an executive coach! I was certified as an executive coach 20 years ago, and it has been a fulfilling part of my career that I continued after corporate retirement.

[zachira]

Glad to hear you were able to celebrate your birthday with your son and husband! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

You are considering EMDR. I did EMDR and it was what helped me more than anything to heal from painful memories and go forward. I was very sad when my therapist decided to no longer do EMDR with her clients because of how overwhelmed some of them were. I indeed was in the beginning, and would often be dissociated for several days after an EMDR session. My therapist went for a consult and she was told that sessions were supposed to be 1 1/2 hours not an hour like we were doing. When we increased my session to 1 1/2 hours, the therapist was able to put me back together before I left, and I continued to make progress. Unfortunately the therapist stopped providing me with EMDR and wanted to do other types of therapy with me, which didn't really help nearly as much as EMDR.

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. You seem to have so much in place that will help you to heal from such a traumatizing painful time in your life!

[So Stressed]

I am already emotionally drained and when I read this, I thought this is what our future will be like. My uBPD mother is very old and my sibling may also be uBPD and is very angry and vindictive.  It seems that my sibling took mom to get a new will a few months ago and I have not seen a copy and expect that I am no longer in it.  I have not asked because it will just cause grief and drama and will deeply hurt my feelings.

[Mommydoc]

It’s not over until it is over. I kept telling my husband, I wasn’t feeling the sense of relief I had expected… I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It remains difficult. I had been adamant with my attorney that everything go through our attorneys, as we execute the agreement. It was a mess. Her attorney is perhaps worse than her, and kept throwing in additional demands and expectations of me, that were not achievable, and there was tons of back and forth without any clarity. Finally my sister texted me and said let’s just do this without them. I was hesitant but after discussing with my  attorney, we decided to agree, as it might be more efficient.

We are in different time zones, and she is sending a lot of texts for last couple days while I am asleep and I wake up to. I get triggered by even the neutral ones. I can’t help it, I have been burned so many times by seemingly benign texts or messages that ultimately become part of a manipulation.

I am at my second home and don’t have access to a piece of jewelry that is part of the settlement. There is a storm that may impede my ability to  get home. Yesterday I awoke to a suggestion from her  that instead of me shipping a piece of jewelry, she would like to meet up with me. She happened to be planning to be in (my) town in 3 weeks. I don’t  want to delay things 3 weeks and I definitely don’t want to see her.  I told her I appreciated the offer as it would be easier than shipping, but I would not be in town during her planned visit, so I would be happy to make arrangements for her to get the jewelry while she was in town. Her response, ship it.

This morning I awoke to her asking if she could go ahead and transfer her sons’ inheritance out of the trust account. It kind of freaks me out, as we believe her son’s last distribution went to her and not him. (she endorsed his check). My attorney insisted that I make all distributions as Trustee, as if my nephew doesn’t get his beneficiary distribution, he can come back and sue me as Trustee. It is very delicate as he is so enmeshed with her, and she is very controlling. He is a college student.  I don’t  know how to assure he actually gets the money, as his home address is her home. I don’t even know if he has his own bank account. He is my godson and my nephew and I want to assure he gets this. I told her that there is beneficiary paperwork that needs to be filed and not to do it. Ugh!

This can’t be over soon enough. I am so done, so ready to block all communication and to focus on myself and my healing.

[zachira]

It's not over until it is over, is the terrifying dilemma we face when dealing with a disordered family member who never gives up on targeting us for how badly they feel inside. You have given into your sister and it sounds like a big mistake, as it shows if she abuses you enough she will get what she wants which changes as her moods fluctuates so there is no such thing as ever giving her what she truly wants. It sounds like your sister is willing to do whatever to keep in contact with you and to never settle your mother's estate, and if it isn't the estate it will be something else. I am truly so sorry.
How to deal with being the target and knowing the problems may never end means developing a new mind set. I have little hope of never being targeted by my NPD sister and am constantly facing the latest abuse from one of her many flying monkeys. Just recently I have been forced into paying some large bills due to another flying monkey who is in my sister's corner even though he really doesn't even know her very well and has had much more contact with me. The details don't really matter here. What counts is developing a certain mindset which can involve: 1) setting boundaries and not changing them. I am constantly under pressure from family members to mend my relationship with my sister and am blamed for the breakup. Under no circumstances will I change this boundary unless I have to do for legal reasons. 2) meditating nearly every day for at least an hour so I process my feelings before I become overwhelmed in intensity and for long periods of time by whatever happens or is happening.
The pressure you are under is enormous. It is so hard to accept that we may never get rid of this person who targets us unless the person dies. I do think you have more hope of getting rid of your sister permanently because your legal situation is much less complicated than mine, though I don't know as your sister seems to be more vicious than mine. Do you think it might make sense to get a restraining order at some point?
One decision that is extremely difficult is figuring out how much you are willing to spend in lawyer's fees. Is there a point in which your sister will be broke and not have the money to pay her lawyer anymore?
My heart goes out to you. You have some very hard decisions to make. Do keep trusting your gut knowing it is not over until it is over.

[Notwendy]

Oh my goodness- that your sister could take her own son's inheritance is just low.

I agree with being cautious. When I read up about the role of executor- one has to be very careful and document everything and disperse funds in a certain order.

Is there any way to legally protect the son's money from your sister?

[zachira]

The more I think about this situation, the more it occurs to me that your sister's agenda is to prolong the settling of the estate as long as possible because once the estate is settled then in her mind she will be abandoned by you and her entire FOO because her parents are deceased. What do you think?

[Notwendy]

The more I think about this situation, the more it occurs to me that your sister's agenda is to prolong the settling of the estate as long as possible because once the estate is settled then in her mind she will be abandoned by you and her entire FOO because her parents are deceased. What do you think?

I think there's a part of this with my BPD mother's behavior. If there was a resolution to her distress over something- then she feels we'd not be engaged. I admit to being more engaged with her recently than before- but also feeling there isn't an alternative as I don't think she's capable of managing by herself.

If our BPD family members were causing drama over a low stakes situation, we'd just ignore it or let it go. We also don't want to enable a grown adult and caretake them. But with an elderly person, or a child- (even a college age child) that changes the situation. Hard to give in to your sister when she may be taking her son's money that he needs for college. Hard to do nothing while BPD mother chooses a painful situation for herself. And these choices also put us at some risk for some sort of neglect if we were to not try to intervene.

[Mommydoc]

I can’t say with any  certainty  that is her intent, and she backed off, when I told her I would take care of it. My nephew is not responding to my email asking how he would like to receive his money, so I am going to just hold off.   He is a nice kid, but I sense he pretty much does what she tells him to do.  My attorney prepared a receipt acknowledgement, that he will need to sign saying he received the money, which I sent him.  I confirmed his email with my sister and told her I would send it to him. I gave him the option to receive a check by mail and to let me know where it should be sent, or have it wired directly to his account, or let her handle the transfer. At  I assume he wants the money, but it is very possible she told him, she needs to keep it to pay for his college, or something, so he might not see it.   It is distressing to me, but he probably has bigger issues being her son than this.  She has told me repeatedly she wants “our kids kept out of this” so she will be livid ( even though I told her) that I reached out directly to him.  At some point, I may reach out to my sister directly and ask her to have him respond.  I am not sure I can protect him from his mother, but I do want to give him the chance to manage this directly, even if it means he has to open up his own bank account to receive the money.  I am going to give it more time, and will probably call him, if I don’t hear back soon. 

I agree with Zachira that my sister will want to stay engaged with me, after everything is signed ( hopefully in the next week).  In her fantasy world she probably thinks we signed an amicable agreement that will allow us to turn over a new leaf.   She wants my attention, regardless of how she gets it.  But, I have no intention of staying in touch with her.   I have a firm but kind letter drafted asking for space.   I am not sure I will send it, but I am ready, and if I need to do send it, I will then block her cell number and mark her email as spam. 

Everyone who has supported me through this is “done” and will hold me accountable to the boundaries…. There might be a greater price to pay if I were to loosen them.   

Feeling really close. 

[Notwendy]

Yes, keep to the rules. Having a receipt from the nephew is a good idea. Hopefully, his not responding is being a college student. They get busy, forget to respond. I also understand the wondering. I have a relative who is very busy and when she didn't respond my first thought was did BPD mother say something about me? Turns out, she just was really busy.

As to the letter telling her about space- I think that could backfire. From my own experience, BPD mother has saved emails and letters and then uses them as some sort of "evidence" for an accusation.

What is going on with her is similar to my attempts to help with my father. Since she didn't cooperate, I assumed she didn't trust me. I emailed my father to say if my parents didn't trust me to help them, to please assign someone else. BPD mother kept this as "evidence" that I didn't want to help them. But that wasn't the situation- I did want to help but she then seemed to complain about or criticise what I tried to do.

So while you may have one intent with the letter- your sister can use and twist anything to support her own version. With boundaries, I found that actions were better than speaking about them- because any direct communcation to my mother about a boundary is interpreted by her as an attempt to "hurt" her. I think a letter will result in your sister escalating.

Another idea is to do this slowly. Don't say anything about boundaries. Don't suddenly block or cut contact. Respond with less emotion and tone down the drama for her. This has been an emotional and stressful situation for you- and that is a part of the dynamics. When this has settled, let the emotions on your part simmer down. Short, brief, infrequent replies to her attempts to contact you may decrease the drama better than blocking her. Don't discuss anything emotional or "deep". Reply as if she was a neighbor or aquaintance. "yes we are doing OK hope you are too". "sorry, we can't have visitors right now- we are busy" type replies. If she pushes, repeat the same line. Don't explain yourself. "we are busy tonight- can talk later".

[zachira]

One of the biggest differences between my lawyer and my sister's lawyer was her lawyer made it clear he sided with her and my sister sent me endless long letters through him. My lawyer was very taciturn and respectful, kept the communications between all parties to the bare minimum. I think that in the end my lawyer had the best strategy, in that we had all kinds of evidence against my sister because of all the endless communications from her side. Her lawyer's strategy seemed to be that they would intimidate me into my agreeing to what she wanted without any need to go to court. Limiting the communications with your sister to what your lawyer thinks is absolutely necessary will protect you in many ways.
Keep proceeding with protecting your nephew and showing you did everything to make sure he gets his inheritance. Not only does this protect you, it gives your nephew a chance to see through some of his mother's behaviors either now and/or later in life, that his mother is all out for herself and really does not care about how her behaviors affect other people, even her own children. When I was young, different people let me know in small ways that my parents' behaviors were not okay; these small acts of kindness and integrity have made big differences in my life, allowed me to separate from my family and become my own person.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that you will soon have the estate settled.

[lm1109]

Hi Mommydoc! I just read this thread and I just needed to say that I am so proud of how you have handled this situation and hope you are fully recognizing this yourself. I know the feeling of always having to be the bigger person, the resistance to finally sticking up for myself, and ultimately the surrender. Your posts have been really inspiring to me. I have been completely NC with both of my parents for almost 3 years now. I still feel grief but I feel healthier than I ever have been. After a year or so of not ingesting the poison of my parents I finally began to heal. I was finally able to grieve them and end the healing fantasy that I had and release the false hope that someday they would love me or have a "normal" relationship with me. It's still hard but I should have been grieving this decades ago. NC is absolutely not right for everyone...but I really hope that you can rise above any guilt that you may feel about it. I'm sure you can and will. I agree with what you stated about your parents. I feel the same about my brother...in fact ...I feel his guidance and love more now than I ever have. I think it's because I am no longer in the lower frequency of resentment and anger... I'm no longer betraying myself to have a relationship with them. I do actually forgive them and I do actually love them both...but I can only maintain that when I'm not allowing them to abuse me. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder...at least in my situation. In all of the time that I have been NC with my parents they reached out once...ignoring my boundaries with an intimidating message demanding that we meet face to face. Interestingly I had actually been feeling loving towards them in a meditation THAT morning!!! But when I read the message I finally used all of that love for myself rather than allowing it to open myself back up to them. I knew so incredibly deep within me that it was the right decision. I actually got very protective of myself. It's a sense of freedom that I have never felt before...like it's finally safe to love them for the first time in my life because I know, for sure, that I can protect myself now. I'm sure the dynamics are different with a bpd sibling rather than parents but I do know that sibling loss is really hard and complicated as well. It seems like you have a wonderful family and support system and that you have a very healthy sense of self and are handling this with as much grace as anyone could have in the situation. I'm sure you're feeling run down and depleted after everything....sending you lots of healing!!! I hope you continue to rest and regenerate!!!! Take care of yourself!!! Thanks for sharing!!!