Is cutting off my mother the right decision?

[littlepaw]

I have been struggling with this decision since Christmas, and this time more than ever I feel like it has taken away from my life and ability to focus on my growth. I have been doing my own EMDR therapy for 2 years to process a lot, of what happened to me throughout my life. I grew up walking on eggshells (I didn't know that was a book) every day wondering what mom was going to come through that door, I realized in my 20s, I raised my mother emotionally. Anytime I would try to express myself about issues she would say "You are too sensitive", "I can't talk to you, I'm afraid of what you will do", "your problem is you want things to be a certain way and that's not how things work", "I hope your children don't treat you this disrespectfully", "I can't wait for you & your sister to be a mother's", "you think I don't have a reason to be mad at you ", "your father & ........, many things I never told you". These are just a few of her favorites I have heard my whole life from 8 to 34. At xmas, although I gave her a 3 month warning I would be with my dad seeing my newborn nephew. She was disappointed and her "martyr" voice was enough. She then blocked me on (FB) xmas after I spoke to her on xmas eve, and ignored my text. I wanted to discuss this and some boundaries so I asked her for some time to talk on the weekend at the beginning of February, she kept pushing me, as to why. When I explained about XMAS she blew up on text accusations, blaming, guilt, everything. At this point I just feel like being estranged is the only choice because for 2 months this has consumed me, but her nope she just texted me the other day asking if I had moved yet because she needed to stay on top of her retirement paperwork and have my correct address. Everything has always been that way a blow up then like nothing happens.  I don't want to be estranged from her, but I also know I'm not at a point in my life to want to continue cater to her emotional needs. Everything I have read recommends at some level of being aware of their emotions and how we speak around that, I'm finally learning how to handle my own emotions and I don't have the energy for hers to. I am trying to figure out my own life and needs finally in my 30s before I have kids. I am really not wanting to hold onto this feeling of "what do I DO" much longer but I don't know what to do. Has anyone been through these back and forths before ? Any advice?

[Notwendy]

Welcome littlpaw-

There are pros and cons to all decisions with how much communication/contac one has with a BPD mother. It's a balance between contact and how much of it we can manage emotionally. For some people that requires no contact at all.

I was a little younger than you are when a university counselor ( who I had been seeing for concerns about how to deal with my situation with a BPD mother) suggested I go no contact (NC). That lasted a short while but I wanted to remain in contact with my father and they were a pair.

I realized that the choice of NC with my mother would have to include the family members connected to her. So we went back to the usual situation which seems similar to yours. I didn't know what else to do.

I later chose a form of low contact (LC) which didn't mean not speaking to her but lowering the emotional content of the conversations, not sharing personal or emotional information and less frequent calls. I also did counseling and 12 step CODA, ACA. ACA groups are not only for alcohol issues, they help with a BPD parent too.

It really becomes less about your mother than about you, and taking care of yourself. We were raised to be emotional caretakers for our mother- we can do less of that and learn about better boundaries- for ourselves.

Whatever you choose, I would suggest you don't anounce it - just do it. In some cases, NC is necessary and for others LC can be the best choice., you can just decrease your contact and the emotional content of it.

My best suggestion for now- unless contact with your mother is something you can not emotionally tolerate at all ( and that is not your fault) is to lessen contact and also get some support through counseling, (and12 steps if that is something you wish to do). This is a pattern between the two of you and also your family- and there is likely to be a reaction from them when your mother isn't feeling her needs are being met. You are learning new behaviors too. Sometimes change is better managed in slow steps than giant ones.

This doesn't mean NC is wrong or your fault if you feel it's necessary. For me, LC is more manageable.

[EyesUp]

Two things have helped me when dealing with "difficult" family members.

The first was accepting responsibility for what I bring to the dynamic. It took forever, but eventually I understood that my emotional state, facial expressions, tone, etc., all contribute to the interpersonal dynamic. That's not to say that your mom's comments are justified, rather - it's to suggest that practicing the "grey rock" method might help a bit.  In other words, if you fully expect that your mom will be reactive to the slightest thing, then there is an opportunity for you to reduce or eliminate those things. If you don't want to fall into the familiar pattern, stay away from the pattern.  That might mean fewer calls or visits, and resisting the temptation to engage on certain things when you do have calls or visits.

The second thing was learning "radical acceptance" - forever, I thought this meant that I had to accept someone else, unconditionally.  Eventually, I realized that it could also mean accepting or changing things about myself.  I guess this feeds right back into point #1. 

[zachira]

The No Contact decision is a tough one, especially when the decision involves a mother who blames you for how badly she feels inside and going no contact with her will affect relationships with other family members. What can make the decision easier about what level of contact you decide to have with your mother is to know that whatever you decide it does not have to permanent. There is a whole range of different levels of low contact which can include periods of no contact. I am very low contact with many members of my large extended family after many years of abuse and being the child of a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD is deceased. I wish I would have taken time to really develop better boundaries with my mother and limit my contact with most of my disordered family members sooner rather than so much later in life. It would surely have allowed me to discover earlier who I am and chart better paths for myself. I too have found EMDR to be very helpful. You may need a period of No Contact with your mother and you can decide later whether it will be forever. 

[littlepaw]

Thank you for the feedback I truly welcome it all.
   I took from all 3 of your replies. It's a little hard to explain but my mother and I have been LC for literally 15 years almost.  What brought on all this anxiety of "Do I or Don't I" is that I am moving closer about 4 hours away from her in April. She kicked me out at 19, I'll try and be brief:
    - Parents divorced at 8. sister 7 years older. Was always mainly just me and her.
    - After graduation I moved back to my dads, for college with my stepfamily, after some ups & downs, (dad wanted to kick me out [they didn't like me being out late or staying out, I was in college, I was never a partier, I never even smoke weed till I was 18, I raised myself and aside from looking for love as a teen I didn't do things wrong, I put myself in sports and after school programs] my dad was also very emotionally unavailable as a child and was working through his own familial issues) but he realized he would loose me & we moved out and became super close.
    - Almost completely done with cosmetology school I visited my mother at Christmas to which she did the whole guilt & abandonment, my sister never visited etc. and I stayed with her and never went back.
     - School didn't transfer, so I went back and worked nights waitressing at clubs. Eventually, child support ended and what I gave wasn't enough (I paid for my car/ insurance, and food) so she kicked me out.
     -I quit school and have been with the same company for 14 years moving up to management. And now do to my engagement I have to move closer for some time.

 My mother is not the normal BPD mother I read about she is a combination of all, since I moved away she doesn't call, doesn't visit but 3 times in 14 years. The 2nd was only a 6-hour visit I had emergency surgery, she drove 14 hours because I was sleeping on the side closest to the bathroom and my ex slept on the other side, she didn't want to rest there, so she slept in her car for a bit, came in complaining about cat hair, got in an argument with me and drove back another 14 hours. All in 1 day, every conversation is the same martyr voice the world, her work, the job, are terrible everything is so much, she wants to retire early and is barely out of debt. We are so ungrateful because we abandoned and rejected her and after he broke up with her boyfriend it was our fault in 20 years she hasn't made 1 local friend.

I will look in to the support groups recommended by @notwendy.

And @eyesup, I feel like that's what I am truly struggling with now. I was diagnosed ADHD at 25 my therapist thinks I don't have it because all my stuff is also symptoms of CPTSD & as well as with my parents I was also SA at 12 (no one knew till I was 28) was a constant reliving as they were in the family and I was always pushed to dance at family gatherings with them, & a few more trauma's. So I have honestly been working on my emotions and ability to self-regulate for 2 years on my own. I just feel so much resentment at her for not accepting her accountability but wanting it out of us that it is really hard right now for me to be that compassionate day-to-day with her and have that "grey rock" face that I know I need to have is very difficult. She kept me from having my friends as a teen, no friends allowed over, she slept with my BFF dad when I was 16, she pushed the bad girl/good girl with me and my sister, and no one was ever gonna take me away from her, including my dad. And now that I have been gone and can see her for all this it's so hard to still feel so unheard!

@zachira I wish too, I realize now being on my own for so long, working became my only focus and survival and I never found a therapist who I clicked with sooner to help me realize this. But now I want to change my life and take the path I deserve. Including building and fixing a relationship with my sister outside of my mother.

[Notwendy]

I think my teachers in school would have suggested I had ADD too. I daydreamed a lot. I was inconsistent with turning in homework. Still, I managed to get good grades so it didn't draw a lot of attention but I recall teachers sending home notes about my homework. I don't have ADD. Daydreaming was my way of tuning out what was going on at home and the not doing homework was connected to that too. So it might be that your CPSD is it.

My BPD mother has a lot of NPD traits, and so lacks empathy along with the BPD dynamics. She can shift between the "witch" "waif" and "queen" personas.

As to the choice of NC or LC- I think we are in different situations- and such choices take all these into account. I don't live very close to my BPD mother and distance can be a boundary. 

My parents stayed together, so choosing NC with my mother would also include my father and I wanted to have contact with him.

Your mother is younger, and mine is elderly. After my father passed away, she was angry at me-discarded the relationship. I could have gone NC at that point- but with her being elderly and a widow, I didn't want to do that.

You are just starting out with a partner and job security. Your mother has done significant interference in your well being- getting your education and your job off the ground. I understand- mine once showed up at my workplace when I was in college -in a rage over something I had nothing to do with. There were times when the issues at home were difficult to deal with and that made it hard to stay focused on my studies.

Your task at this time is to establish your home, your emotional well being, and your own financial security, not be your disordered mother's emotional caretaker. She's an adult and responsible for her own decisions. If you have tried LC and feel NC is the better decision for you - you can make that choice.

[Pilpel]

I struggled with the idea of going no contact for years.   It was scary because I have a small family, and I didn't know how it would affect the whole family.  I finally felt pushed to it.  And have been NC for over 4 years.  It's funny because the pandemic lockdowns happened month later.  Which I know was stressful for a lot of people. But I was so light and happy. I felt like a burden was lifted.  This low level anxiety that I strugged with from the ups and downs of dealing with the NPD lifted.  Currently we recently negotiated LC, agreeing to be cordial during weddings and funerals, etc.  And that's fine. 

[Pilpel]

I was going to add, that another family member recently reached out to me to say, "I'm sorry.  You were right about NPD."  And now this family member looks to be considering going NC, as well.   

[livednlearned]

Sometimes our pwBPD make it hard to differentiate and develop an individuated self during childhood. For some of us, taking a break is a way to figure out what that means and how to correct it. Working with a therapist to process the emotions is essential so you aren't re-traumatized by trying to go it fully alone.

If you can do that while LC, that's probably ideal. Some of us can't or couldn't do that because the patterns are so deep and entrenched and re-engaging can feel engulfing or debilitating, even if only briefly.

Estrangements are different for everyone and the details do matter. If you feel like your support network is sparse, it might be best to work on building that up, whether it's with a professional or a support group or friends. Estrangement will solve one problem but it can also put a lot of sunlight on the bits and pieces that feel broken. If you're the kind of person who hauls off into isolation when you're hurting, the double whammy of estrangement and loneliness can be a lot to handle at once.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my estrangement with my family happened after my divorce from a pwBPD. It was like I opened a door and nothing was the same on the other side. It didn't make sense to end one abusive relationship and stay in another at the same time.

The whole thing was painful and confusing at the time, but eventually it became a path to fully individuating from my family. I can be around them in short, carefully structured periods and learned specific strategies to get out of the frying pan nevermind the fire. I do a lot of verbal and non-verbal redirecting and don't feel guilty about ending conversations quickly like I used to. I've come up with ways to set non-threatening boundaries at the beginning of conversations and even though I still walk into buzz saws now and then, I have a supportive H who helps me process things, and even helps pull me back from the ledge when I don't see the signs early.

In other words, whatever you decide to do, focus on the scaffolding for how you want to get there. The details matter -- it's an act of keeping yourself safe and that will require some thoughtfulness so you set yourself up for the best outcome.