Escaping -- I think I am ready

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have had enough. I have decided that I want off of this horrible ride. I feel terrible that my mom's health has deteriorated, but I cannot take the abuse and psychological manipulation anymore. I am almost 30 years old, and I have missed out on half of my life just to be mistreated after a random triggering event every single day.

For those who made the brave step of escaping. What things did you do to prepare? I am not able to just walk out of the front door today; it would make things more complicated for me, and I want to keep as much of my life intact as possible. I have lost enough. My career is in jeopardy and I am dangerously close to being upside down on an extremely expensive graduate degree because my mom sabotages me on a daily basis and refuses to take accountability for any of it.

I am working on the financial and reputation assassination issues. I would like to hear the steps that some of you took to ensure that I am not missing anything while I am making my plan to escape. I plan on disappearing to another state.

[LyrikalAristotle]

I have had enough. I have decided that I want off of this horrible ride. I feel terrible that my mom's health has deteriorated, but I cannot take the abuse and psychological manipulation anymore. I am almost 30 years old, and I have missed out on half of my life just to be mistreated after a random triggering event every single day.

For those who made the brave step of escaping. What things did you do to prepare? I am not able to just walk out of the front door today; it would make things more complicated for me, and I want to keep as much of my life intact as possible. I have lost enough. My career is in jeopardy and I am dangerously close to being upside down on an extremely expensive graduate degree because my mom sabotages me on a daily basis and refuses to take accountability for any of it.

I am working on the financial and reputation assassination issues. I would like to hear the steps that some of you took to ensure that I am not missing anything while I am making my plan to escape. I plan on disappearing to another state.

[Tangled mangled]

I’m going to go straight to the point.

I escaped at the age of 25 and recently escaped a marriage with pwbpd - female here, not like it matters much:
Looking back:

1) financial security- a steady job, I had an average temp job and my hours were flexible- hospital shifts.
 2) self storage- this can be number one priority- to keep all your documents and items with sentimental value, passport, cards, somewhere safe - after renting a small storage space I felt like a huge weight got lifted off because I knew it was a matter of days or weeks before I could leave.
3) at 25 I lived in houseshares- the best ones were those without a live in landlord- if it’s run by an estate agent that’s much better- can even get one with a kitchenette and en suite.
4) most important- you keep it all to yourself- don’t give her any clue- if her health is deteriorating then the services need to be made aware after you have arrived at the other state.

These are my tips, I’m sure others will have more ideas to share.

[HappyChappy]

I'd agree with the last poster, but it really depends on the details of your situation. There are organisations that help people get to sheltered homes if there’s serious danger with domestic abuse or you're escaping a Cult (note some "evangelical religions" also have organisations that help you escape).

But if you’ve got time and you’re not in physical danger, it’s best to ensure you can be financially independent. Otherwise you risk leaping out of the pan and into a fire. Forget about “reputational” damage, someone with a PD will win that battle, especially if they know how to trigger you and/or are well connected.

Just make sure there's no connection between you and what you're escaping. I changed phone number, came off social media and used people unconnected to me to escape. Also it will be lonely to begin with, so ensure you've got access to trusted, ethical, emotional support. My abuser threatened everyone I knew, but you can't tell someone something you don't know. I did prime them, after leaving, those that knew my PD well, understood.  My Boss let me work in another City, and  used CCTV footage to evidence her breaking the law on his premises - he was ethical.

Do your own research, our situations will be different to yours. Play the long game, if you can. Someone with a PD will exploit anyone who panics or seems isolated. Ensure safeguarding rules are followed at all time. E.g. this forum is very good at safeguarding as it's heavily moderated - most forums aren't. We've just talked about problem solving, you will emotional support at some point. This forum can help with that, just don't give out any personal details that will identify you - we don't need them to give advice.   

[HappyChappy]

PS: If someone has BPD rather than NPD, then it's easier as you can see and hear them coming a mile off. They won't be as organised at finding you. Good at creating "chaos", but not organised. Also note that folk with a PD (Personality Disorder) come in all shapes and sizes, so use safeguarding

[CC43]

Hi Aristotle,

You can do this.  If you haven't already done so, start by opening a bank account and a credit card in your name.  You can sign up for online statements so that your mother never catches on.  Make sure you have enough money saved up to move to a new place:  first and last month's rent, and at least a month's worth of living expenses.  You don't necessarily need a car to move out.  If you have some valuables you need to stash, consider renting a safe deposit box.

Then you'd need to find a job to support yourself.  It wouldn't have to be a "forever" job, just one that pays the bills.  Since you've already worked, I bet there are many opportunities open to you.  You could find this job in another town.  Maybe you have some friends in a different city that you could re-connect with?  Once you find the job, you can hunt for a modest apartment in the vicinity--generally you need to prove to a landlord that you can pay the rent, so you'd need a job offer and/or a pay stub.  If it's your first apartment, you probably wouldn't have that many belongings to move.  The first few nights in my first apartment, I just slept on the floor in a sleeping bag.  Then I went out and bought the basics with my savings (a mattress, a small table and chair, maybe a dresser).  Some apartments come furnished.  I've lived in several countries and set up new apartments without too much difficulty, and this was in the days before you could buy almost anything online and have items delivered right to your door.  The key for me was having jobs lined up and a little money saved.  Heck I managed renting an apartment myself in a foreign country, even though I was barely able to speak the local language.  I just packed a foreign language dictionary and read the local listings, and I might have asked a trusted colleague what a few tricky words meant on a lease.  If you move to a city where you have some friends, I bet they could help you--with advice, a sofa, some physical labor, or a simply fun night out. 

You shouldn't worry about jeopardizing your degree.  These days, it's normal for students to take breaks from academia, if only to earn the money for more tuition.  Taking a semester off, or even a year off, is completely normal.  And these days, it's possible to take courses online or part-time.  It seems conceivable to me that you could work a regular shift and then study nights and/or weekends to finish up your degree.  When you don't have your mother to tend to or worry about anymore, imagine how productive you'll become!

If you're over 18, you're an adult, and you don't need anyone's permission to get a job and your own place.  In fact that's what is expected of most people over 18.  I was so excited to have a real job and my own place, it didn't matter to me that I had only a few dollars in the bank and some clothes packed in garbage bags.  I had my brains and my whole life ahead of me.  It didn't matter that I slept on the floor.  I didn't worry about much.  I just got going, and I went farther than I ever imagined as a little girl.  It's easy when you have nothing to lose!

The bright side is that you know what your goal is:  to move to a new place.  If that seems overwhelming, then break it down into smaller steps.  Try to tackle one step each day.  Once you get your momentum going, I bet it will seem easier.

Good luck to you Aristotle.

[TelHill]

I'm very glad to hear you're taking steps to leave!!

I'd block any way she has to track you down. You might want to get a cheapie phone and use that new number as your actual number, except for her.  Ditch the old number when you leave.

Don't use LinkedIn where the public (she)  can look you up. Adjust your LinkedIn to keep her out.

Check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline website (https://www.thehotline.org/) for ideas to disappear or hide in plain sight from your abuser. I used this when I was divorcing my late ex.  To the outside reader it may seem strange to link a dysregulated parent to a violent man. The intentions are the same: to coerce and control you into submission to them, isolating you from anyone else. It makes sense to employ the same tactics.

Thinking good thoughts for you!

[HappyChappy]

Some good advice from other posters on here. btw you can normally get free furniture, if you're not fashionable. I've known someone deck out an entire house with free stuff, just hire a van for the day to pick it all up.