Obligatory First Post

[Depression = 72% of members]

I spoke to her LPC friend again last night. She's also very concerned. She advised me to start reaching out to his doctors about her possibly having BPD. She also advised me on what to do if it should get to the point where I need to have her involuntarily committed.  Last night I slept with the door locked and a pair of scissors beside the bed. Dunno if this was this was necessary or this was my anxiety saying I was in this much danger, but I felt safer.

Woke up, went to work. After work stuck around longer than I needed to talk to my uncle at work- also cause I was afraid of going home. My uncle wasn't available until I was home. I quietly walked in. She was watching shows. No talking. I went to my room, hid under the covers and waited till my uncle was ready to talk. When we finally did talk he asked me a series of questions (he does this every time) about what happened, do we have somewhere else to stay if we get separated. He then asked my why I was hiding talking to him. I told him because I was afraid. He said that I need to be more assertive and stop hiding things like talking to my family. He said if I'm gonna talk to him to let her know. If she can hear through the wall then go outside. He suggested I start talking to my sister about this as well. I'm not especially thrilled about talking to my family about this because out of religious reasons (and just plain different upbringings) they were never truly thrilled about me with her. I can be extremely prideful and I don't want to have to admit to the people who weren't supportive in the first place that they were right.

When I heard them come home after he was off the bus I heard her yelling. He did something inappropriate at his after-school program. She wouldn't tell me what happened (says I don't care so she's not saying) but previously he got in trouble for exposing himself to other kids- he did this with one my friend's daughter too so they don't come over anymore. Apparently he also lost his school laptop which caused her to fly into a rage. She was already bringing up why he chose me over her and guilted him over it. She's sent him to his room for the rest of the night. I don't know if she'll let him eat since he's usually not hungry this late but if he asks she'll probably let him. After last night I am afraid to intervene if she'll treat him worse for it.

Not going to lie, I was afraid walking home (I take the city bus) and while this might be dramatic I recorded a video of me saying if something happens to me, she and her family are the ones responsible- and that his god-parent and my family will be the ones to take care of him. It's currently in my facebook drafts. I like comics and one thing I learned from Batman is to have a failsafe for everything.

And because of my mood disorder(s) I could be letting my emotions cloud my judgement- I don't necessarily want to divorce which is why I gave the ultimatum of therapy. I want him to have his mom because he still loves her and when she's herself she loves him more than anything in the world.

Right now I'm in my room, he's cleaning his room and she's loudly singing music to herself on the living room couch in the dark

Also: she and him will be going out to the park etc with his grandfather tomorrow. We were supposed to go to a ballet that our friend bought tickets for back in December, but because I forgot to mention that it was just going to be us three and not them until yesterday she got very upset and said they'd do this instead. This was what initiated the whole thing last night because I'm just so tired of her squandering the kindness of our friends. This same friend was help paying our rent when I was unemployed, and was the first of our friends to see my child at the hospital so this was the final straw.

edit- thank god she made him eat before bed.

[mcgoggles]

I spoke to her LPC friend again last night. She's also very concerned. She advised me to start reaching out to his doctors about her possibly having BPD. She also advised me on what to do if it should get to the point where I need to have her involuntarily committed.  Last night I slept with the door locked and a pair of scissors beside the bed. Dunno if this was this was necessary or this was my anxiety saying I was in this much danger, but I felt safer.

Woke up, went to work. After work stuck around longer than I needed to talk to my uncle at work- also cause I was afraid of going home. My uncle wasn't available until I was home. I quietly walked in. She was watching shows. No talking. I went to my room, hid under the covers and waited till my uncle was ready to talk. When we finally did talk he asked me a series of questions (he does this every time) about what happened, do we have somewhere else to stay if we get separated. He then asked my why I was hiding talking to him. I told him because I was afraid. He said that I need to be more assertive and stop hiding things like talking to my family. He said if I'm gonna talk to him to let her know. If she can hear through the wall then go outside. He suggested I start talking to my sister about this as well. I'm not especially thrilled about talking to my family about this because out of religious reasons (and just plain different upbringings) they were never truly thrilled about me with her. I can be extremely prideful and I don't want to have to admit to the people who weren't supportive in the first place that they were right.

When I heard them come home after he was off the bus I heard her yelling. He did something inappropriate at his after-school program. She wouldn't tell me what happened (says I don't care so she's not saying) but previously he got in trouble for exposing himself to other kids- he did this with one my friend's daughter too so they don't come over anymore. Apparently he also lost his school laptop which caused her to fly into a rage. She was already bringing up why he chose me over her and guilted him over it. She's sent him to his room for the rest of the night. I don't know if she'll let him eat since he's usually not hungry this late but if he asks she'll probably let him. After last night I am afraid to intervene if she'll treat him worse for it.

Not going to lie, I was afraid walking home (I take the city bus) and while this might be dramatic I recorded a video of me saying if something happens to me, she and her family are the ones responsible- and that his god-parent and my family will be the ones to take care of him. It's currently in my facebook drafts. I like comics and one thing I learned from Batman is to have a failsafe for everything.

And because of my mood disorder(s) I could be letting my emotions cloud my judgement- I don't necessarily want to divorce which is why I gave the ultimatum of therapy. I want him to have his mom because he still loves her and when she's herself she loves him more than anything in the world.

Right now I'm in my room, he's cleaning his room and she's loudly singing music to herself on the living room couch in the dark

Also: she and him will be going out to the park etc with his grandfather tomorrow. We were supposed to go to a ballet that our friend bought tickets for back in December, but because I forgot to mention that it was just going to be us three and not them until yesterday she got very upset and said they'd do this instead. This was what initiated the whole thing last night because I'm just so tired of her squandering the kindness of our friends. This same friend was help paying our rent when I was unemployed, and was the first of our friends to see my child at the hospital so this was the final straw.

edit- thank god she made him eat before bed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi there McGoogles,

I too am really happy to see you posting.

I just wanted you to know that I've been reading also.

Keep hanging in there and do what you need to do to stay safe.  

It sounds like you have some people to talk to and I would encourage you to keep talking to them too.  You never know when someone comes upon the next right thing to do.

What, if anything, can we offer you here to help keep your morale up?  And what do you think about some of the other advice or insights you've recieved here?

Rev

[SaltyDawg]

McGoogle's

Nice to see you posting again, taking ownership for the homicidal ideation bit that happened a while ago.

Keep venting, keep talking, you are in a very hard place right now, and you have had more than your fair share of bad treatment, especially since you have your own mood disorder which makes it that much more difficult for you.

I can understand your fear with you locking yourself into your room with a pair of scissors for defense.  My main concern is the boy is also locked into the same room with you, or is he elsewhere and vulnerable to her attack?  Please make sure the boy is safe from these extreme behaviors.

Do protect your medications, protect the laptop, record irrational behavior, and follow the advice of those who care for you.

The boy's behavior is also very disturbing to me that you have shared [exposing himself and other issues at school].  Does he have his own individual therapist too?  If not, I strongly recommend that you consider seeing if you can find one on your limited income for one.  Talk to your own provider for the best options that are available to you.  Also the guidance counselor at the school is a good resource, as is the public health department.  Don't give up on getting help for the boy as well as yourself, and herself too.  I've been very fortunate to find therapists that are willing to work with fixed/limited income and waiving the copay.  Being very persistent in finding help, has paid off big for me, out of pocket expenses for what I am using is about $120/month for thousands worth of services every month, but I do have good insurance, grants, gifts, cover the rest.  This is a definite case where the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  Knowing what to advocate for, who to talk to, where to go, network with others with similar circumstances to get the best possible care that you can get access to.

Having to go to family members who previously told you 'that your relationship was not a good idea,' is extremely humbling [embarassing]; however, you do need to get help and support for your situation, with your sister, and other family members - do what it takes to do the right thing.  Hopefully they can have some grace for your situation, and if they don't, you need to discern who has your interests at heart, and who doesn't and lean on those who are most sympathetic to your situation.

It is tough, an expression that I learned of a few months ago comes to mind...

"If you are going through hell.  Then, keep going..."

Keep going until you find out what works for your and the boy.

Take care of yourself with self care, take care of the boy, and if you have any left over take care of her too.

[babyducks]

Hello mcgoggles,

Dunno if this was this was necessary or this was my anxiety saying I was in this much danger, but I felt safer.

This is a really good insight,  I'm glad you mentioned it.     Here is why.    One of the things that is important for us to learn is how to interrupt your own negative responses.    That may sound simple, but it certainly isn't.

I think, you and your family are stuck in a very stressful, high-tension cycle of conflict.     I think it would be a good idea to start to talk about how to break this cycle of conflict.   

Everyone arrives here in crisis.   With horrible arguments that go around and around and never resolve.    We've all done that.    and its has been pointed out to all of us that we need to stop the conflict before we can make progress with changing the relationship.

at the top of this message board is a thread called "LESSONS"   its always pined there so you can find it at any time.    inside the LESSONS thread is the collected wisdom of this group over the years of its existence.   I'm going to point out one of those lessons:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

it talks about making a commitment to ending the conflict and the arguments that are ripping things apart.   and how once you've made that commitment practicing alternative reactions, so that in situations of high negative emotions you do not contribute to the damage any longer.     this qoute is from that article:

When we are in the middle of enduring a verbal attack from someone else; our own reaction feels impulsive; like an unpredictable and overbearing urge. However; realistically; a lot of these situations are quite predictable. How many times have you had that fight? How many times has your partner said that particular hurtful and provocative thing? Look descriptively at previous problems: what did your partner do that resulted in your emotions going through the roof to the point where you had urges to retaliate? We will call those things triggers because they trigger your response.

Take a look at the article when you are ready please.    Hopefully it will help you think about your triggers and alternative responses to them.

When we finally did talk he asked me a series of questions (he does this every time) about what happened, do we have somewhere else to stay if we get separated.

Do you have someplace else to stay if things become violent again?

She was already bringing up why he chose me over her and guilted him over it. She's sent him to his room for the rest of the night. I don't know if she'll let him eat since he's usually not hungry this late but if he asks she'll probably let him. After last night I am afraid to intervene if she'll treat him worse for it.

I think the idea from the LPC was a good one.   the one about reaching out to his doctors and medical team to up the level of support he is getting right now.    How would you go about that?    Right now the people who are meant to support him as parents are challenged to do that effectively.    Is there a way to get him a break from the stress and tension in the household?

'ducks

[mcgoggles]

I agree that conflict resolution is a good idea. That being said she continues to sending angry texts or tiktok videos about spouses who are "sick and tired" of their partner pulling their own weight. Regardless of that I've made it clear that therapy is non-negotiable.
She doesn't let the boy interact with me, but whenever I pass him I smile and wave, I sneak in hugs.

I am going to go out to the park or maybe a coffee shop today. I will invite her and/or the boy but if she refuses- even if she accuses me of infidelity or a lack of love- I'm still doing it. Until she takes that step, I am living regardless of how she feels about it.

[Rev]

I agree that conflict resolution is a good idea. That being said she continues to sending angry texts or tiktok videos about spouses who are "sick and tired" of their partner pulling their own weight. Regardless of that I've made it clear that therapy is non-negotiable.
She doesn't let the boy interact with me, but whenever I pass him I smile and wave, I sneak in hugs.

I am going to go out to the park or maybe a coffee shop today. I will invite her and/or the boy but if she refuses- even if she accuses me of infidelity or a lack of love- I'm still doing it. Until she takes that step, I am living regardless of how she feels about it.

Hey McGoogles,

Really like what I am reading here - not because I'm an expert or anything. I just conveys a sense of peace and self affirmation in the middle of a really, really challenging situation.

It just wanted to affirm that - and say thank you for sharing your thoughts here.

Hang in there.

Rev

[babyducks]

She doesn't let the boy interact with me, but whenever I pass him I smile and wave, I sneak in hugs.

hello again mcgoggles,

could you say more about how she doesn't let the boy interact with you?    I undestand from your earlier posts that this is your son who is about seven and has ADHD?   

how does your son seem to be coping with this estrangement?   how is he doing?

I hope you did get out to the park or a coffee shop, something to give you a bit of a break and a distraction.

if she continues to send you angry texts or tiktok videos,  I would encourage you to avoid the conflict,   after all it takes two to fight and when you fight with your wife, you always come out the worse for it.

'ducks

[mcgoggles]

hello again mcgoggles,

could you say more about how she doesn't let the boy interact with you?    I undestand from your earlier posts that this is your son who is about seven and has ADHD?    

how does your son seem to be coping with this estrangement?   how is he doing?

I hope you did get out to the park or a coffee shop, something to give you a bit of a break and a distraction.

if she continues to send you angry texts or tiktok videos,  I would encourage you to avoid the conflict,  after all it takes two to fight and when you fight with your wife, you always come out the worse for it.

'ducks

Whenever I talk to the boy or try to help him she yells "don't talk to him" or "leave him alone". He still sneaks in hugs and smiles at me, like it's a shared secret. Her logic is because I don't want to be around her, that I got to sleep after work and that I spend so much time around her, that I never cared about the him- I suspect after the boy said he wanted to live with me and not her that she's determined to estrange him from me but that's only based on her actions and I can't truly know the motivation. He does parrot her sometimes "dad messed it up" or "dad's a POS". But at the same time he's very sad to see me leave and he clearly tries to interact with or else she wouldn't be demanding he not. His behavior is still as troubling as ever. He yells, he curses, he throws fits and he gets easily upset. Often he gets discouraged from trying to do something and he starts to cry.
As with many kids with ODD/ADHD he makes repetitious noises to intentionally antagonize everyone. One very concerning noise, that he learned from a kid named [name] in his class, was a high pitched moan that without going into too much detail was likely from pornography. Our son made the noise a lot, which got him into trouble at school and his afterschool program. I suspect because he feeds off reaction that is why he kept doing it. One thing my wife and I definitely agreed on was we didn't like [name] , although at the same time we realize the kid is mostly taken care of by his older siblings and isn't in a very good environment. Unfortunately because of the impoverished part of town we live in, my son has the potential to pick up a lot of troubling behavior simply because he'll get attention for it.

He stopped recently, very likely because my wife and I finally became immune- he also decided he didn't like or want to be around him since being around him has only lead to him getting in trouble. He also got expelled from him after-school program for exposing himself to his class again. He did this last year and got expelled then too.

As a matter-of-fact I did go out. Went to the local famers' market (it's a big, renovated old trolley station so lots of seating and space).

Also,  I got a phonecall from his psychologist's office. One of the assistants gave me an email to submit questions to discreetly, also a phone number I can call to get more information. At this point I'm not sure what to say or what to ask, because if I go down this road I can't really go back.

[babyducks]

hi mcgoggles,

I really enjoy the local farmers market here.   they have an amazing selection of really good products at reasonable prices.    it's like a mini holiday when I go.  I'm glad you got out for while.

Also,  I got a phonecall from his psychologist's office. One of the assistants gave me an email to submit questions to discreetly, also a phone number I can call to get more information. At this point I'm not sure what to say or what to ask, because if I go down this road I can't really go back.

this is interesting.    what sort of questions are you thinking about?   what are your concerns about sharing information?

'ducks

[mcgoggles]

Well, I sent an email last night because they said they were expecting one from me today.
I did my best not to elaborate but I did say my wife may not necessarily be capable of giving all the details about my son's behavior since it could reflect bad on her- which is entirely true. I asked how much she's told them so far, I asked for digression and clarified I was not trying to be cryptic, just extremely careful.

I am trying to make sure that:
1) that she doesn't know that I'm doing this
2) CPS aren't called to take the boy away. Since I've allowed her behavior to continue her LPC friend explained there is minor chance that I could be considered complicit in this abusive behavior. 
3)my son gets all the help he needs and
4)the psychologist could potentially refer my wife -or insist- she get help.

[BigEasyHeart]

She is not.  Like many borderlines, she mistrusts conventional medicine-

I just want to echo what others are saying first. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and welcome.

I'm also curious about your statement that many borderlines mistrust conventional medicine. I'd like to know more about this. Is this an impression you have or did you find this from some source about BPD? I'm asking because I also noticed this in my ex and I'd like to know more about the link to this lack of trust in conventional medication and bpd.

[Rev]

I just want to echo what others are saying first. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and welcome.

I'm also curious about your statement that many borderlines mistrust conventional medicine. I'd like to know more about this. Is this an impression you have or did you find this from some source about BPD? I'm asking because I also noticed this in my ex and I'd like to know more about the link to this lack of trust in conventional medication and bpd.

I think it would be safe to say that it's a question of mistrusting anything that makes one vulnerable.

[mcgoggles]

I just want to echo what others are saying first. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and welcome.

I'm also curious about your statement that many borderlines mistrust conventional medicine. I'd like to know more about this. Is this an impression you have or did you find this from some source about BPD? I'm asking because I also noticed this in my ex and I'd like to know more about the link to this lack of trust in conventional medication and bpd.

I agree with Rev ^^^ but also based on my experiences they feel very threatened by anything that is making them change. Going to a doctor in their mind means something is perceived as wrong or defective about them. Something important to note about the lack of trust is psychology, again based on my experiences, is that it takes away a choice to feel and say what they want. Even IF she knew she could change for the better, in her current state of mind she desires the freedom to think as many bad thoughts and say as many bad things as she wishes- even it causes her to suffer- because it's her choice. The promise of a better life after therapy feels coerced to her.

[babyducks]

it sounds like you have a good plan and a good first step with the email.     any response yet?

One note I would like to make.

4)the psychologist could potentially refer my wife -or insist- she get help.

depending on where you live, and what your local laws, regulations and resources are like it might not be possible to insist she gets help.   

my experience, here where I am, it was nearly impossible to involuntarily commit someone, unless there was an immediate physical danger to themselves or others, that hold was usually 72 hours, and often made the situation worse because nothing effective could be done in 72 hours.    forced psychiatric treatment had to be court ordered and only happened after a violent incident.  verbal altercations didn't rise to level of mandated treatment.    your situation might be different.   but here, mental health professionals are over booked and hard to come by.

Even IF she knew she could change for the better, in her current state of mind she desires the freedom to think as many bad thoughts and say as many bad things as she wishes- even it causes her to suffer- because it's her choice. The promise of a better life after therapy feels coerced to her.

Hmmm.    this is interesting.    if therapy feels coerced to her, threatening even.   if going to the doctor means she is defective, how does this work with the ultimatum you gave that she needs to seek therapy?    how do you envision these two different emotions functioning together?

[mcgoggles]

Hmmm.    this is interesting.    if therapy feels coerced to her, threatening even.   if going to the doctor means she is defective, how does this work with the ultimatum you gave that she needs to seek therapy?    how do you envision these two different emotions functioning together?

I haven't thought that far ahead because frankly I find her feelings on the matter inconsequential. I have already explained how it would help our finance, then I explained how it could help her succeed. If these don't matter to her then I'm flipping the empathy switch off. I know her bottom line, which is she's afraid living a depressed impoverished life like she did as a child I'm making it clear she isn't get that unless she chooses seeing a therapist.

[Rev]

I haven't thought that far ahead because frankly I find her feelings on the matter inconsequential. I have already explained how it would help our finance, then I explained how it could help her succeed. If these don't matter to her then I'm flipping the empathy switch off. I know her bottom line, which is she's afraid living a depressed impoverished life like she did as a child I'm making it clear she isn't get that unless she chooses seeing a therapist.

Hi McGoogles,

I find the question Ducks asks interesting because it points to achieving the outcomes that you seem to be hoping for.

If we take this one step further,;

How do you see therapy helping if your wife is only going to go to stave off what appears to be her greatest fear?  

Maybe I'm missing something?  That could be too.

Rev

[mcgoggles]

Hi McGoogles,

I find the question Ducks asks interesting because it points to achieving the outcomes that you seem to be hoping for.

If we take this one step further,;

How do you see therapy helping if your wife is only going to go to stave off what appears to be her greatest fear?  

Maybe I'm missing something?  That could be too.

Rev

The prospect of better finances is only to get her in the door. The next goal is after DBT (maybe meds too?) she start to understand what it feels like to be a human outside that world in her head.

[babyducks]

I haven't thought that far ahead because frankly I find her feelings on the matter inconsequential.

There was a member here a while back who often used to ask "what lies ahead down that road for you?".    It was his way of exploring what might be just ahead if the current situation wasn't altered in some way.

I think his approach was often helpful because most of us are so caught up in the crisis of the day, or the urgent requirements of the moment that we don't have the bandwidth to think about 3 weeks from now,   3 months from now, 3 years from now.

Regardless of what happens with your wife, if she enters therapy or not, or if she is successful with therapy or not, you are always going to have some type of relationship with her because of your son.   You will be co-parenting for quite some time to come.

I would suggest you consider maintaining some level of cooperation with her, so that you could co parent.

'ducks

[Rev]

The prospect of better finances is only to get her in the door. The next goal is after DBT (maybe meds too?) she start to understand what it feels like to be a human outside that world in her head.

Along the lines of the question of what lies ahead for you - I'd like to add the following :

What needs to change in your personal arsenal of tools to make this journey?  This is meant to be a strategic question - not one that says "How does McGoogles fix McGoogles".  And clearly something is going to come to a head.

I continue to think about how much you love your son and the corner you appear to be painted in. Threading a needle in a haystack perhaps, and yet - thread you must it would appear.

Something isn't sitting with me in hoping she goes to counseling under duress. The conventional wisdom is that only escalates things.  I am wondering if the advice Ducks gives isn't the wiser path.

What do you think?

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[mcgoggles]

I don't have an answer at the moment. I was only prepared for either she does this or we split up and I go to the courts to keep her away from him until she does so. If the scenario turns out to be that we're separated but she still gets joint custody I don't view that as any kind resolution because she will still have influence over him. There is no immediate exit strategy that would allow me to keep the boy AND be on the career path I want.
I am back to square one.

[mcgoggles]

Also- today is sort of sunny out. She wanted to take him out, maybe go to the park or something. I don't know if it was his idea to go and ask me if I should accompany or hers but I heard her say "it's up to dad". Normally she doesn't like to go anywhere by herself and only goes out if I accompany her, which still results in complaining a lot and criticizing me. I said "no" this time. I will stay home and do the chores she said neither of us do.

We went out together on my last day off. It was supposed to be just me and him, but she insisted on going along since she doesn't want me to go out for long periods of time with him anymore in case I'm trying to turn him against her.
While I'm not pleased about saying no to him, she doesn't get to force my hand anymore. Additionally, she's been starting to act as though that night where she threatened didn't happen and I don't want her thinking the relationship is going to go back to the way she's always decided it to be anymore.

[Rev]

I don't have an answer at the moment. I was only prepared for either she does this or we split up and I go to the courts to keep her away from him until she does so. If the scenario turns out to be that we're separated but she still gets joint custody I don't view that as any kind resolution because she will still have influence over him. There is no immediate exit strategy that would allow me to keep the boy AND be on the career path I want.
I am back to square one.

Right - and by the sounds of your next post - where you say that she doesn't just get to dictate any more, it sounds that while you may be back to square one with the relationship - you may not be be back to square one with yourself.

I am wondering if you may notice something that has shifted in you in terms of your own self perception? (A fancy way about how much self-respect your are allowing yourself - or something along those lines_

Are you feeling any different and if so, how?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[mcgoggles]

I am wondering if you may notice something that has shifted in you in terms of your own self perception? (A fancy way about how much self-respect your are allowing yourself - or something along those lines_

Are you feeling any different and if so, how?

Well, somehow I feel more positive more often. While I'm no less physically tired I don't feel as mentally exhausted

[Rev]

Well, somehow I feel more positive more often. While I'm no less physically tired I don't feel as mentally exhausted

So stay with it - because memory is stored in the body - you need to give your body time to catch up to your mind. And if you keep your eye focused on the next right thing - this will continue.

Keep on keeping on my friend... keep on keeping on.

Rev

[babyducks]

I don't have an answer at the moment. I was only prepared for either she does this or we split up and I go to the courts to keep her away from him until she does so. If the scenario turns out to be that we're separated but she still gets joint custody I don't view that as any kind resolution because she will still have influence over him. There is no immediate exit strategy that would allow me to keep the boy AND be on the career path I want.
I am back to square one.

if you are looking for an exit strategy I would recommend you open a new post on the "Conflicted about Continuing /Divorcing"   board.

Each board here has a deliberately different environment.   This board is a safe space to work on improving the relationship.  members who regularly post on the Conflicted board have either exited the relationship or are unsure if they can continue.    The different populations might help broaden your perspectives.    Its perfectly okay to post on both boards.

'ducks

[kells76]

And to add on to the helpful suggestion from babyducks -- the "conflicted" board is also the "family law/custody" board, too. So it's perfectly fine both to be here on "bettering", working on making the relationship "less bad", and also to post on "conflicted" to learn about what to expect if a divorce were to happen.

Sometimes we have fears or beliefs about "how divorce has to go" or "this is inevitably how custody will be", that aren't true, and we can learn alternatives over on "conflicted" that can help us be less stressed and more skilled, and that are better for the kids.

[Rev]

And to add on to the helpful suggestion from babyducks -- the "conflicted" board is also the "family law/custody" board, too. So it's perfectly fine both to be here on "bettering", working on making the relationship "less bad", and also to post on "conflicted" to learn about what to expect if a divorce were to happen.

Sometimes we have fears or beliefs about "how divorce has to go" or "this is inevitably how custody will be", that aren't true, and we can learn alternatives over on "conflicted" that can help us be less stressed and more skilled, and that are better for the kids.

And to add again ... that experienced posters will be careful to follow guidelines so may in fact be holding back on offering insight.

What I really like about posting on both boards is it in of itself mirrors the conundrum you find yourself in - which direction do you follow?

My two cents

Rev

[mcgoggles]

I have no idea what's going to happen at the moment. Any solution to this is clearly going to take way longer than I thought, meaning I still have coexist with this version of my wife and I don't have any immediate method to solve my son's behavioral problems. I may want to take a break from posting until something significant happens because for the time being I'm coasting.

[Rev]

I have no idea what's going to happen at the moment. Any solution to this is clearly going to take way longer than I thought, meaning I still have coexist with this version of my wife and I don't have any immediate method to solve my son's behavioral problems. I may want to take a break from posting until something significant happens because for the time being I'm coasting.

Equally good idea.  One thing that I have noticed about you is that you have the capacity to share here, to engage what comes back, and make up your own mind about things. And that, ultimately, is your strong point.   Trust your intuition.  Everyone here will be happy to welcome you back if you take a break...

We're all rooting for you.

Rev

[mcgoggles]

Interactions still aren't pleasant lately. At the present I'm still recording our convos semi-daily.
She got mad that we have less money than she thought because so much of my checks are going towards rent. We were gonna get food from the local dollar store but when she learned we had less she said I wasn't communicating and decided she'll just eat "bread and peanut butter like she did as a kid" then told the boy we weren't eating because of me. I told if she doesn't like the lack of money to 'get a f-cking job', because unfortunately after years of this conversation the whole "we don't have money because you don't try hard" triggers me and it becomes my knee-jerk reaction to emotionally stab her for getting mad about something she could help prevent.

This isn't the most positive update but at the present I feel that we're only together out of obligation. Separating would mean ripping my son out of his school and disrupt his life. I also feel that if I moved to file for divorce her and her family would work immediately to take him and leave town. The other scenario would be my son having to witness his mother become emotionally distraught and lose her mind that she can't have her son. I'm slowly getting pulled back into the tar pit.

Also: I managed to speak to his therapist and shed a little more light on his behavior. She asked why I felt his mother would behave this way to omit certain details about his behavior, and why I'm being so secretive/careful. Though I couldn't ask her any questions about what the sessions have been like she reassured me that I was in my legal rights as the other parent to do this and she reassured me she wasn't under any obligation to tell my wife I reached out. I explained what her childhood was like, what the relationship has been like. I reassured her that the boy was in no danger, but that I could be. I told her to pay attention to my wife's behavior and mannerisms during the next session, since I work that day and I can't be there.
I really do want to be there, but my attendance has been piss-poor (getting better, haven't had any points recently) and so while I don't get to be there at the risk of losing my job the therapist said while she finds this inconvenient, I can still communicate with her this way. This is the one silver lining.

On a reddit someone said BPD stands for "Bad Person, Doomed" which while insensitive, is the most that modern psychological medicine seems to ensure 95% of the time.