To confront BPD diagnoses or not

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been in a BPD relationship for a year now. Every aspect of our relationship has been similar to the kinds of behaviors posted by other members.  There is not a single diagnostic criteria that my BPD partner would not fit.  She has seen psychologist in the past, but will never really tell me anything about what they said, other than to tell her to stop drinking, (which was no fun after a short while) so she did not follow the advice. It seems that we will never get anywhere unless the underlying problem is addressed.  However, I can not help but to feel that this will just trigger one more rage. What are your thoughts, and suggestions?

[frustrated!]

I have been in a BPD relationship for a year now. Every aspect of our relationship has been similar to the kinds of behaviors posted by other members.  There is not a single diagnostic criteria that my BPD partner would not fit.  She has seen psychologist in the past, but will never really tell me anything about what they said, other than to tell her to stop drinking, (which was no fun after a short while) so she did not follow the advice. It seems that we will never get anywhere unless the underlying problem is addressed.  However, I can not help but to feel that this will just trigger one more rage. What are your thoughts, and suggestions?

[raindancer]

 

Hi Frustrated

I have been in a BPD relationship for a year now. Every aspect of our relationship has been similar to the kinds of behaviors posted by other members.  There is not a single diagnostic criteria that my BPD partner would not fit.  She has seen psychologist in the past, but will never really tell me anything about what they said, other than to tell her to stop drinking, (which was no fun after a short while) so she did not follow the advice. It seems that we will never get anywhere unless the underlying problem is addressed.  However, I can not help but to feel that this will just trigger one more rage. What are your thoughts, and suggestions?

There's an old expression "look before you leap" - before you say anything to your SO, look into BPD as much as you can. Get to know what you're dealing with (BPD)and how to deal with it (BPD). Get to know yourself. The lessons are great for that.

Keep in mind, that without a formal assessment, her having BPD is your connection to what is going on, how she is behaving. She may have something else (PTSD, NPD, ASPD, addictions and/or health issues, sleep or eating disorders - long list of possibilities and combinations), so don't get completely comfortable with the "ah-ha" moment. The underlying issue may very well be BPD, but it may also be that it's a combination of lots of things... .

Labelling it BPD doesn't "fix" her, it just means you have a starting point of what to work on.

And I say for you to work from because reality is, in a BPD r/s it will be you working on you and your r/s. As you read, you will find tools to cope with things, and there's the possibility to modify her behaviors with T; but the chances are slim of curing or fixing her or altering her back into the woman you fell in love with.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back - so if you're going to say anything to her about you thinking she has BPD, make sure you have it scripted in a non-hurtful, non-judgmental way. You probably know her and her triggers - so be prepared to handle those.

Again the lessons can help with that.

[tuum est61]

The general advice around here is not to discuss advise your pwBPD that you think they are a pwBPD.   It's good advice. I did express my thoughts with my uBPDw and wish now that I had not. It has just given her another arrow in her quiver to bash me with when upset with me. I do understand the desire to do so - a vain hope that our "advice" will help them go get help.   It rarely does, only creating resentment and more dysregulation - as you rightly have guessed.   I now spend a lot of time validating my wifes frustration with the fact that she thinks I think "she's crazy."

I've read your backstory.  It seems you are trying to "separate" so acheiving diagnosis and more importantly treatment seems less important than if you were trying to maintain an intimate relationship. You sound like you want to end things so you need to stop "helping" her anyway - including telling her she's mentally ill and needs to get help.  Your challenge will be to "unenmesh" and stop worrying how she feels and reacts to you pulling back.  I am not sure what "risks" you feel your pulling back creates for you personally or at work; you will have to weigh those against what you are experiencing now.    

[frustrated!]

Thank you for you most welcome replies and thoughts! It really does help to have others that have experience share.  It seems to me, that one thing most members have in common is that they deeply and sincerely care for their BPD other. I likewise care deeply for mine. Your advice to stop helping is well taken.  My past experience has been that whenever I pull back, all of the behaviors are escalated, whether it be seductive behavior or rage behaviors.  Either way, I do not look forward to having to deal with it!  I feel guilty and cruel for the angst that I see her going through whenever I withdraw.  I guess that is a big part of why I am stuck in the same place as when this mess started going south originally. It seems that each time I try to withdraw, her reactions get stronger. (ie... . rage, depression, statements of wanting to kill herself, etc.) Literally, my BPD other looks like a Victoria secrets model. She has men swarming around her.  I just can not get why she will not just move on from me ! Maybe, it is just really deep seeded insecurities and fear of more relationship failures? She says all the time she is "going to marry me, whether I like it or not".  I can not really figure out if she is serious, or this is just a form of manipulation. Whichever, I do not think I that there is really anyone capable of making her happy. I know I am miserable now. Thanks so much for letting me participate in your forum and share with you!  I am most appreciative of your time and help. Any further advice would be very much appreciated.