Attempted suicide - WoW welcome

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The important family event I recently wrote about has been postponed.

dBPDbf's D/early teens attempted suicide, is in hospital having assessment. D lives w/ uBPDmil & fil, has been having problems for very long time but recently escalated to SIBs and suicide ideation. SO and I both believe D is BPD (her bio-mom is low-functioning BPD).

D drank cleaner and then sent a text to a friend to tell her, then also told FIL immediately what she'd done. It was not enough cleaner to cause her harm or even make her sick but this is being considered AS because she says she intended to kill herself; but then also says she did it because she was mad at someone (won't say who) and wanted them to know.

It's now been put across to D that the important family event has been postponed because they can't/won't have it without her. And has been postponed until she is feeling better and up to being there.

Needless to say this is triggering my SO like firecrackers. And is also triggering MIL.

My questions -

1) How do I help my SO from going off the rails? It's already turning into it's "all about me".

2) How do I buffer SO from MIL who is also turning it into it's "all about me"?

3) How do I convince well-meaning FIL that saying things like "we can't have the event without you" to D is actually encouraging an escalation of D's behaviors by telling her her behavior is controlling a family event? (don't take that wrong, I get that the event would obviously be postponed - I just don't think it should have been put across the way it was)

4) that said - are there ways to put across to D that yes the event was postponed, yes because of her behavior but that it doesn't make her behavior a means to have control in the future... . ?

I'm trying to be supportive first and foremost to SO - keeping him from completely dysregulating. I only want to get him through this without it escalating... .

And, I'll add this - the event was planned by my SO (it turns out) as a gesture of goodwill to re-unite me w/ his family after 6 mths nc - which is why he told me it was an "important" event I was "obligated" to attend. This meant a lot to him and it showed a lot of positive growth for him. So my earlier knee-jerk reaction of "obligation" was unfounded and (tyvm for your WoW) I did not express my feelings to him at the time.

[raindancer]

The important family event I recently wrote about has been postponed.

dBPDbf's D/early teens attempted suicide, is in hospital having assessment. D lives w/ uBPDmil & fil, has been having problems for very long time but recently escalated to SIBs and suicide ideation. SO and I both believe D is BPD (her bio-mom is low-functioning BPD).

D drank cleaner and then sent a text to a friend to tell her, then also told FIL immediately what she'd done. It was not enough cleaner to cause her harm or even make her sick but this is being considered AS because she says she intended to kill herself; but then also says she did it because she was mad at someone (won't say who) and wanted them to know.

It's now been put across to D that the important family event has been postponed because they can't/won't have it without her. And has been postponed until she is feeling better and up to being there.

Needless to say this is triggering my SO like firecrackers. And is also triggering MIL.

My questions -

1) How do I help my SO from going off the rails? It's already turning into it's "all about me".

2) How do I buffer SO from MIL who is also turning it into it's "all about me"?

3) How do I convince well-meaning FIL that saying things like "we can't have the event without you" to D is actually encouraging an escalation of D's behaviors by telling her her behavior is controlling a family event? (don't take that wrong, I get that the event would obviously be postponed - I just don't think it should have been put across the way it was)

4) that said - are there ways to put across to D that yes the event was postponed, yes because of her behavior but that it doesn't make her behavior a means to have control in the future... . ?

I'm trying to be supportive first and foremost to SO - keeping him from completely dysregulating. I only want to get him through this without it escalating... .

And, I'll add this - the event was planned by my SO (it turns out) as a gesture of goodwill to re-unite me w/ his family after 6 mths nc - which is why he told me it was an "important" event I was "obligated" to attend. This meant a lot to him and it showed a lot of positive growth for him. So my earlier knee-jerk reaction of "obligation" was unfounded and (tyvm for your WoW) I did not express my feelings to him at the time.

[Rose Tiger]

  Hey there Raindancer,

I read your thread and it sounds exhausting for you.  I notice you ask a few how do I's?  I wonder if you've read anything about boundaries, there are articles here, on the web and there is a great book you can get called Boundaries.

I ask because your questions concern going outside of your boundaries and into other people's boundaries.  You can't help, buffer or convince other people to feel anything other than what they feel and it's not your job.  Your boundaries are taking care of yourself and your feelings.  You can validate others, you can listen, you can be a friend but to take on how everyone feels and thinks, that is too much for one person and exhausting.

[raindancer]

Rose Tiger

Yes, it has been exhausting. All of this was the reason for me going nc 6 mths ago. So much became up to me or got dumped on me that I crushed under the weight of it all. I will not be going nc again (I'll get to that in a sec) but there will be some boundaries being established... .

This is a complex situation - it does get overwhelming, has gotten to be in the past... .

A lot came out of all this - Ts the hospital stepped in and made some (much-welcomed by SO, FIL and me) conditions on mil and bio-mom's guardianship of D. Each of us were interviewed and asked a lot of questions individually. 

Both mil and bio-mom have been given an order to go for MH assessments and T both individually and as a group with D. If they do not, D will not be staying in the situation. CPS has stepped in and will monitor all of this at her school and at both homes - they no longer have a choice.

D with be having T school without mil or bio-mom present and they will no longer be told what she says in T. So she will no longer be afraid to speak openly about what is really going on.

D will also be spending more time with us - SO, my D and me.

All of this is good - SO has been wanting this for a very long time but has not wanted to speak out. He tells me but not them because when he has before it has ended up him in the middle of mil and bio-mom; and resulted in him dysregulating.

SO has told D's bio-mom she is nc to either SO or me for any reason in person, by text, on fb or indirectly through others including mil or D whatsoever and mil has been told to respect that on no uncertain terms.

SO has told mil no more games - respect his r/s or he will go nc w/ her as well.

SO has set the boundary that any contact between the two of them is between them and he will no longer listen to their drama. He will ONLY listen to updates on how D is doing.

He had all of this in mind by the time he got home from work yesterday and initiated all of these boundaries on his own without telling me what he planned to say. He said this to them in front of Ts and CPS and it has been noted.

I'm giving him a huge amount of credit for how he did this - he kept his cool, spoke his mind and made his point without buckling.

This is not a permanent fix for any of this - there is a lot of work for all of them to do for themselves. This is only the beginning of the beginning. It has taken a lot of weight off of me - and you're right it is not my job to do all of this for them, it is my job to take care of my own kids and me. I am not a T - they have been asked to respect that boundary as well.

Fil and SO both seemed very relieved on the way home. I watched the houses go by and let them do the talking all the way home. Actually the best father/son talk I've heard them have in a very long time... . The storm cloud had a silver lining in a lot of ways.

I know this probably belongs on another board - I've only posted this on this board because all of this has been what has had me undecided for a while now. There has been some resolution on some of this, but again is only the beginning of the beginning in making the decision on if I'm staying or going - time and action will tell. SO and I have a lot of work to do ourselves first, but the way he was throughout all of this does give me hope.