Is wife weak and impulsive or cruel and calculating?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How would you describe this behavior?  And what is a better way to "let go"?  Be angry? Or just try to view them as lost and have pity?

My wife left me the exact same way she left her ex husband.  I found out after talking to him.  

Sunday night great sex... .she cooked dinner.  Making future plans.  House hunting.

Monday morning. Cooks breakfast. More sex.  Kisses you goodbye.

Throughout the day texting as normal, and she is saying how she can't wait to go on vacation in a couple weeks.  How she can't wait for me to get home to kiss and hug me all night. Etc.

I get home and she is gone.  All of her things gone.  Vanished.

My therapist said that she believes she does this to inflict the maximum emotional pain possible.  Pretending to be in love all day, just so you get home to a big shock.  

So what would be the reason for this level of behavior? It seems more cold, calculating and cruel than someone who is just hurting llost and impulsive... .

[Husband321]

How would you describe this behavior?  And what is a better way to "let go"?  Be angry? Or just try to view them as lost and have pity?

My wife left me the exact same way she left her ex husband.  I found out after talking to him.  

Sunday night great sex... .she cooked dinner.  Making future plans.  House hunting.

Monday morning. Cooks breakfast. More sex.  Kisses you goodbye.

Throughout the day texting as normal, and she is saying how she can't wait to go on vacation in a couple weeks.  How she can't wait for me to get home to kiss and hug me all night. Etc.

I get home and she is gone.  All of her things gone.  Vanished.

My therapist said that she believes she does this to inflict the maximum emotional pain possible.  Pretending to be in love all day, just so you get home to a big shock.  

So what would be the reason for this level of behavior? It seems more cold, calculating and cruel than someone who is just hurting llost and impulsive... .

[Skip]

My therapist said that she believes she does this to inflict the maximum emotional pain possible.  Pretending to be in love all day, just so you get home to a big shock.  

Rhetorical question?

The act was premeditated... .no doubt.  It could be, as your therapist suggests, punishment. It equally could have been her last try, a test, at seeing if her emotional being wanted a life life with you. Many members have reported the that they learned that the last sex act was, for example, a test to see if the romance was really dead.

Is "she" cruel and calculating or weak and impulsive - from what you said in prior posts - especially tattooing your name on her skin - I'd say weak and impulsive in general. She didn't marry you to run off in 21 days. What percent of marriages end in 21 days? 0.00001%?

For you, regardless of the reason, that's a hard blow to absorb - to comprehend - to not be damaged by.

And clearly, your feelings were of no concern in all of this. She was selfish.

So what do you think? Was she given to be calculating and vengeful, or self centered and emotionally driven to the point of being reckless?

[Husband321]

I really do not know.  It almost seems like a sort of game.

It's like... .ok go ahead and leave... .ok have sex last few times while you could get pregnant... .

But to go out of you way to text future plans, hugs and kisses when you already left?  Knowing your husband will come home and be extremely hurt already?

I don't know what it is.  Or why. Impulsive would be just disappearing. I can't imagine doing it.

[Skip]

text future plans, hugs and kisses when you already left

You know from the timestamps that she had moved before sending the texts? If so, she was punishing you.

Do you know why? You had conflict before. Arguments tend to recycle. What was her ongoing relationship beef?

[Husband321]

You know from the timestamps that she had moved before sending the texts? If so, she was punishing you.

Do you know why? You had conflict before. Arguments tend to recycle. What was her ongoing relationship beef?

Yes.  She left early in the morning.  When she left her ex she was half way across the country acting like she was home.

What happened was on Saturday her ex husbands new wife called to tell her they were getting a divorce.  I walked into the conversation and she was bad mouthing him. I suggested she just stay out of it.

Then her ex husband called her to tell his side.  But he also came across as wanting to be with her again. Then she was badmouthing her.

So it did not sit well.  She read my expressions, tone and concluded I don’t trust her. It was more or less me explaining to her she would not have liked the conversation if I was having it with my ex wife.  So she was angry. Saying I would never trust her etc.

[Jeffree]

Impulsive.

The end of my marriage to my first wife ended similarly.

Some weekend morning we had sex that felt different in a better way than it had ever felt before. I can't describe what was different. All I know is that there was a vibe to it that had me furrowing my brow wondering what that was all about and concluding that something was up.

I wasn't suspicious of anything in particular, though we had been sort of slowly spending less and less time together at home due to the demands of her job... .or so I thought.

That turned out to be the last time we were ever together as a married couple. Later that day she told me she couldn't live like this anymore.

"Live like what?" I asked, and she proceeded to give me some rehearsed bull___ that she had never complained about before.

And that was the end. I never really saw her again except for a time where I tried to speak to her about saving the marriage, and she wasn't having it, and soon she filed divorce papers against me.

Turned out she was having an affair with her boss.

Probably thought they'd wind up together.

I suspect the same impulsive, ridiculous thought process went through your STBx's head about her ex.

I am sorry you got blindsided this way.

Things will get better.

J

[tiki]

I can't even believe that something so crazy can happen as marrying these people. I can't even conceive of how horrible this would be. It shouldn't be allowed to happen by like sane gods will.

[Go]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry, what you have had to face.   A normal healthy person like yourself will quickly begin to do the natural human checks of oneself.  What did I do wrong?  What triggered all this?  How exactly did this all take seed and at what point did it go pear shaped.  You need to know, it was never going to go well.  No matter what you did, the outcome was guaranteed to become horrible sooner or later.  She is both weak and impulsive (often a 5 year old self image) and paranoid to boot, which means anything will have her starting on her inner or outer kiddy rage and then explode either verbally or the most dangerous as I have learnt to slink away to new adulterous relationships.  She is very cruel, but don't think they are.  My wife said of her last adultery... .I never meant to hurt you... .like for crying out loud... .you can't be that stupid after 25 years of marriage.   They are really good at telling themselves the most distorted story and after 5 minutes of rehearsing it, this lie becomes their new doctrine for life.  There life is a distorted hell/fantasy.  Just so far at distance from reality it is impossible for them to see.   Let me just say also, that this BPD damage to the inner workings of their being, takes hold and destoys morality, ethics, honesty, integrity, patience, kindness... .they grow rapidly or slowing into truly terrible people.  People long time friends are abandoned and turned upon for the smallest provocation.  It is very sad, seeing what you think is great potential in a sweet human being... .but it is all a fantasy in their head... .and sadly yours too.  They are not sweet... .they are infinitely calculating.   What you are to them is very different to what you would like them to think you are and there is nothing you can do about it, no matter how many times you have managed the impossible on their account.   These people are not principle centred.  They are too immature for that, they are ME centred and what is in it for them, first and foremost, they have to get currency or they will make your life miserable. 

Let me tell you it is not you, it is just you planting what you hope is a unique, beautiful, loving, kind seed, that most reasonable people expect to grow in any relationship, into something decent, but it doesn't.  Your great looking seed and toil is real, but the seed is deeply flawed rock hard, does not flourish and generates distorted outcomes when it does.  From the very first despite doing all you can you begin to see aberrant characteristics and it just gets more bizarre and more abusive year after year.  Little shop of horrors.

 Any home gardener will tell you this as they plant a couple of dozen seeds you will find that one or two will come out 'wonky'.   Imagine if this all happened marrying a wife, who soon had 3 little kids as happened for me and I thought it was always my fault for not being caring enough, but looking back I was a truly loving and kind person... .what I had was a very mentally sick, ridiculously demanding wife.  Everyone tried to tell me but I could only see the good in her and made excuses for the bad as she runs off all your friends.  Then a few years in committs adultery and takes forever to exit the relationship proper.  Pretty soon, you are really 100% committed and instantly suing for peace at any cost for your little families sake and you rapidly become a slave in your own home, to an utterly precocious brat adult, you can never please.  Each year the tiny morsels of  kindness become less and the demands greater.   Terrible... .but where you are now, you certainly have a good idea.  Your former SO is not well and not going to get better, save vast changes and professional help occurs. I am the recipient of 3 adulteries now and this time very happily out at last.  I don't deserve what we call her in Australia being married to a 'feral'.  In this case my wife has gone from upper middle class very well off status as I have truly worked my tail off for my family and with her new BF in another country is now utter ill kempt trailer trash... .This 25 year old weight, the last two days, has at last exited my shoulders and I am truly healing, SO rapidly too.  After years, I have learnt to respect myself and disavow her as have my children for her repetitive disgusting actions.  This type of partner is both cruel and at the same time, so utterly obsessed with self, nobody else matters, save those she can get something out of.  They sadly often abuse decent people replacing them with utter gutter people or cruel users and ironically feel better in that environment.  Everyone else can see it but them.  Then it goes pear shaped and they run back... .but it was never their fault.    It has to do with emotional capital they derive from trying to fix another equally broken person.  If you stay with them, they will keep breaking you, so they can help fix you. It is a disaster in the making.   The fact a BPD dumps you is a blessing, it means you were heading in the direction of relatively well as their ego cannot stand being with a whole complete person and it just eats them away... .so they leave.  Be calm and respect yourself. 
On leaving my 13 year old son and flying oversees never to see him again in over 3 years, my BPD wife, just said, I deserve to be happy (she was content the day before starting the affair too) but the spiral happens VERY quickly once they start swallowing their own immature excuses or open themselves up to some evil willed other.  What another stranger says about themselves, they instantly visit on themselves and just concur... .they have a weak will and go looking for the damaged and often patently evil, yet their will is very tough and resilient to adoption of virtues... .tres bizarre, but little kids love excuses and their ego is poorly developed and their self worth near nothing save what another tells them.  After that she rejected my and any other advice (eg my mother in law's) was just like brushing off a fly to her. 

I am sorry, but you truly mourn these unique cameleon people.  It takes as long as you need (these people are very clever actors) they can masquerade as pretty much whatever you need at the time.  My wife as an autodidact... .she read the book she could do it.  Hard letting go of such a clever person?  Yes terribly, but I never had her in the first place.  I can say that now after 25 years. I was trying to catch a zephyr with a pitch fork... .it was never going to happen.   Sadly for others as well, that love of their partner with their bodies and their souls... .but BPD love with sexuality as prime #1 passion, but not committment, so they commit adultery for a bunch of hollow compliments and faithful is not part of them.   For me this is not the first time but 3rd time around on the adultery wheel of hell with them.  This time only 7 days of mourning and I am out of Dodge for good... .no returns.  I have never felt better, now realising I deserve soo much better in my life.  Now I am determined to divorce, heal and when I am whole, not rebound, but go steadily and find a health, spiritual (not sensual) and earthy person that can be part of my life and hopefully part of my children's life and I hers perhaps.  But one step at a time.  First step, learn to be a happy single first. I am so delighted with my childrens encouragement, I am not throwing another 25 years away with my first 25. Yes it had some beautiful moments, the birth of my children each and some lovely times, but the days miserable so vastly outnumbered those deeply happy and I became the actor for my children's sake to keep the home as happy as possible for them.  You don't want or need that... .You need kind and steady not self centred, with flamboyant then depressed.  You need an adult not a child to be partner with and let me tell you you don't want the financial hell that goes with any of this either. 
All the best,  Go