My first time to this site

[Lucilu]

Hi, I'm "Lucilu", (but that's just my user name) and I have a daughter who is 29 years old who has BPD and has also been diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum. 

She just got out of an abusive relationship and is starting a "new life" as she puts it.  I'm helping her financially with food and and cab money and her new apartment deposit because she is on SSI and can't work, and she doesn't have enough money for everything involved with moving into a new place.  She's in a town 5 hrs away from me where she knows no one.  She's trying to get a case manager and a psychiatrist and a therapist and a PCA and some form of assistance with Transportation so she won't have to depend on me after this transition is over.

She is very suicidal.  I got scared when she didn't call me on Wednesday and had the police do a welfare check.  She was okay, fortunately!  However, she's mad at me for sending the police.  She won't speak to me now.

I feel depressed, like I don't want to take care of myself.  I haven't been doing my physical therapy exercises.  I have depression and PTSD from my childhood. Since I was 6 yrs old my older brother was suicidal all the time.  My mom put me in charge of keeping him alive until I turned 18 and moved out on my own. Similarly, I feel responsible when my daughter is suicidal, and I go back mentally to my childhood feelings of responsibility for my older brother.  I know this sounds wrong, but I can't seem to give myself permission to take care of myself when my daughter is not doing well.  I do have a therapist and I do understand that it would be best for me to put my own self care as the priority, but for some reason I can't give myself permission to do that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Oh, Lucilu, that is so hard!

Please take care of yourself, its so important to do that first!  Just like in the airplane, put your breathing mask on first and then help the child!

A very close friend of mine had that, where he had to be a caretaker too young, he's realized it affected him a lot, PTSD and anxiety.  He shuts down aspects of himself and hyperfocuses, and needs sometimes to be reminded to look at the big picture and take care of himself.

It sounds like you are already doing a ton to support her and you have already helped her a great deal.  You must be her main support, so its critical you be able to be strong in the long run.

I'm sure she will forgive you for doing the welfare check, just remind her that you are genuinely scared for her welfare and need to know she is ok. 

Do you have friends or a support group locally in the town where you live, maybe other parents of kids on the spectrum (even if not also BPD)?

Sometimes it helps me to really visualize my inner child who is so afraid and care for my own child-self, it is easier to do that maybe when you see the part of you that needs care.  Also one thing is learning and reading helps you and her, so reading the books and links here may be soothing.

Best of luck,   check back here people really do care