Help I don't know what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

I think that journaling for you is a great idea.  Doing it, along with therapy and posting here can supercharge the benefit.  Be careful about writing something, for her or her son to discover online.  I tend to think you will get a bad reaction. 

It's unfortunate that she has physicians writing prescriptions, that they shouldn't be writing.  They should be referring her for a psychological eval. and hopefully prompting her to take appropriate meds.  Benzos can be a tool, but not the only tool. 

Do you live in the US?  I doubt that she has pain from a surgery from 4 years ago.  A reputable physician would require a thorough evaluation, before prescribing pain med on an on-going basis.  How Is her father able to supplement his daughter's supply of pain meds? 

You might want to have a discussion about the med situation with your therapist and seek advice.  Do you think the physicians are being lenient with your partner, because she is a LCSW?  Might there be a strategy to use with the two physicians to cause a review of the way they are prescribing controlled substances? 

The best things that could happen are:
1. The physician who prescribes ongoing benzos, requires that she get a psych eval and be evaluated by a psychiatrist in regard to other, less addictive meds. for daily use & use benzos less frequently and without opioids.

2.  Physician who continues to prescribe pain meds for 4 years, needs a nudge to stop doing that, have her get an eval for root cause of actual pain & treat that or stop the prescriptions. 

3.  Her dad quits supplementing her pain meds.

I guess if you were to talk to her son, I'd focus on the drug issues, drug combo & her dad supplementing her opioids.  The focus of concern would be that she could die from the combo, that the recent stress of moving & changing jobs has caused major emotional dysregulation for her & she needs a proper psych eval and proper meds.  All you can do is suggest it, say you want the best for her and then let it be.

 

Yes, I am in the US.   It is not physicians it is a single physician.  He’s a terrible PCP.  I agree, she needs off the pain meds for sure.  When she has got off of them in the past she felt great, but never gave up her script. She would only be off a month or so then stress would send her back to them. Her pain, of present, is mild.  She uses the tramadol as a crutch to deal with her psychological issues.  The dad has them because he has had a prescription for years and has hoarded them. He is incredibly manipulative! 

I don’t possibly see how I could change the meds issue without being there for her.  In the past I would wean her off, but some issue in life always had her back on. If that dr stopped prescribing I think she could find another that would.

The root cause of her problem is the uBPD.  I just want her to get help.   

So if the blog is anonymous no one would see it or know who it’s about.  If she read it she would recognize the story.  Do you think she would respond poorly?   Would she feel betrayed or angry or just be in denial?

What can I do to reach her?

[WorriedHusband]

I think that journaling for you is a great idea.  Doing it, along with therapy and posting here can supercharge the benefit.  Be careful about writing something, for her or her son to discover online.  I tend to think you will get a bad reaction. 

It's unfortunate that she has physicians writing prescriptions, that they shouldn't be writing.  They should be referring her for a psychological eval. and hopefully prompting her to take appropriate meds.  Benzos can be a tool, but not the only tool. 

Do you live in the US?  I doubt that she has pain from a surgery from 4 years ago.  A reputable physician would require a thorough evaluation, before prescribing pain med on an on-going basis.  How Is her father able to supplement his daughter's supply of pain meds? 

You might want to have a discussion about the med situation with your therapist and seek advice.  Do you think the physicians are being lenient with your partner, because she is a LCSW?  Might there be a strategy to use with the two physicians to cause a review of the way they are prescribing controlled substances? 

The best things that could happen are:
1. The physician who prescribes ongoing benzos, requires that she get a psych eval and be evaluated by a psychiatrist in regard to other, less addictive meds. for daily use & use benzos less frequently and without opioids.

2.  Physician who continues to prescribe pain meds for 4 years, needs a nudge to stop doing that, have her get an eval for root cause of actual pain & treat that or stop the prescriptions. 

3.  Her dad quits supplementing her pain meds.

I guess if you were to talk to her son, I'd focus on the drug issues, drug combo & her dad supplementing her opioids.  The focus of concern would be that she could die from the combo, that the recent stress of moving & changing jobs has caused major emotional dysregulation for her & she needs a proper psych eval and proper meds.  All you can do is suggest it, say you want the best for her and then let it be.

 

Yes, I am in the US.   It is not physicians it is a single physician.  He’s a terrible PCP.  I agree, she needs off the pain meds for sure.  When she has got off of them in the past she felt great, but never gave up her script. She would only be off a month or so then stress would send her back to them. Her pain, of present, is mild.  She uses the tramadol as a crutch to deal with her psychological issues.  The dad has them because he has had a prescription for years and has hoarded them. He is incredibly manipulative! 

I don’t possibly see how I could change the meds issue without being there for her.  In the past I would wean her off, but some issue in life always had her back on. If that dr stopped prescribing I think she could find another that would.

The root cause of her problem is the uBPD.  I just want her to get help.   

So if the blog is anonymous no one would see it or know who it’s about.  If she read it she would recognize the story.  Do you think she would respond poorly?   Would she feel betrayed or angry or just be in denial?

What can I do to reach her?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WorriedHusband]

Ok so I now see what you were saying. I’ve been journaling the past few hours and you are right.  She would not take this well. Knowing her, she would pick it apart and disagree with it.  She would look for any minor details and try to make something of it.  I think it would feed into her anger and her insistence that I’m a liar.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Ok so I now see what you were saying. I’ve been journaling the past few hours and you are right.  She would not take this well. Knowing her, she would pick it apart and disagree with it.  She would look for any minor details and try to make something of it.  I think it would feed into her anger and her insistence that I’m a liar.

I'm glad you decided to keep it private.  It can be very therapeutic for you to journal.  Sometimes, it's helpful to go back and read what you wrote about certain events.  Sometimes, it can provide a reality check.  

Think about keeping it secured in some way.  If you are currently using some word processing software, then make it password protected and the title shouldn't give anyone a clue what it is.  If you are successful in getting back together, you don't want her finding your journal.

You might want to read a thread on the "Detaching Board".  It's on the first page, approx. 4-5 from the top.  The title is "Another Future is Possible".

What can I do to reach her?  

Probably best to do some research on divorce laws in your State and the restraining order process (how to contest, remove, etc.).  I believe you sent a response to the courts that you didn't want a divorce, so you have to research what happens from there.  If you Google something like, "contesting a divorce (or restraining order) in ____State", you may even find some good information presented on attorney's websites.

You might want to post on the "Family Law" board about contesting your divorce and dealing with the restraining order.  You might get some helpful responses there.

Once you can legally communicate with your wife, you might consider approaching her about the benzos & opioid combo, perhaps with the angle that the combo has affected her emotional well being.  Perhaps, it could be a time to suggest she be evaluated by a psychiatrist to get better meds for her anxiety.  I wouldn't say anything about BPD, just talk about the behaviors and that you are worried about the combo of meds she is taking and that she is addicted to them.  Also, pain, 4 years post hysterotomy, is an issue to check out. The situation screams of the classic case of an addictive patient and a too liberal doctor combo creating a drug addiction situation.  If she hasn't taken any hormone replacement therapy, that might be something to help.

In any event, she needs new doctors, that are tuned into preventing drug addicts, as opposed to creating them. That probably won't be easy, since she is addicted to the meds and will fight to keep her drug supplier (her primary physician).

[WorriedHusband]

I'm glad you decided to keep it private.  It can be very therapeutic for you to journal.  Sometimes, it's helpful to go back and read what you wrote about certain events.  Sometimes, it can provide a reality check.  

Think about keeping it secured in some way.  If you are currently using some word processing software, then make it password protected and the title shouldn't give anyone a clue what it is.  If you are successful in getting back together, you don't want her finding your journal.

You might want to read a thread on the "Detaching Board".  It's on the first page, approx. 4-5 from the top.  The title is "Another Future is Possible".
 
Probably best to do some research on divorce laws in your State and the restraining order process (how to contest, remove, etc.).  I believe you sent a response to the courts that you didn't want a divorce, so you have to research what happens from there.  If you Google something like, "contesting a divorce (or restraining order) in ____State", you may even find some good information presented on attorney's websites.

You might want to post on the "Family Law" board about contesting your divorce and dealing with the restraining order.  You might get some helpful responses there.

Once you can legally communicate with your wife, you might consider approaching her about the benzos & opioid combo, perhaps with the angle that the combo has affected her emotional well being.  Perhaps, it could be a time to suggest she be evaluated by a psychiatrist to get better meds for her anxiety.  I wouldn't say anything about BPD, just talk about the behaviors and that you are worried about the combo of meds she is taking and that she is addicted to them.  Also, pain, 4 years post hysterotomy, is an issue to check out. The situation screams of the classic case of an addictive patient and a too liberal doctor combo creating a drug addiction situation.  If she hasn't taken any hormone replacement therapy, that might be something to help.

In any event, she needs new doctors, that are tuned into preventing drug addicts, as opposed to creating them. That probably won't be easy, since she is addicted to the meds and will fight to keep her drug supplier (her primary physician).

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.  I just couldn't deal with it yesterday.  I had an incredibly tough day and had to give myself a break for a day.  

Thank you for the response.  At this point, I am afraid I won't have to worry about password protecting my journal.  She will have been gone 6 weeks this Friday and I am devastated.  I'm starting to give up.  I've cried so much and spent so much time in therapy and reading about all of this that I just want everything to just stop.  I just don't want to deal with it anymore.  

Even if I was able to get rid of the restraining order/no contact order I don't know how to get through to her.  She has me blocked everywhere.  I do believe she is still checking out my social media pages frequently.  I thought about writing a letter and putting it on pinterest.  She would find it and no one I know is on my pinterest page.  I don't.  I'm really just lost. I actually wrote her a letter and at the recommendation of my therapist sent it to the court and to her attorney.  He said that is the only way I can contact her.  My therapist and I both think that her lawyer will not show her the letter.  

Regarding her quack Dr, I have decided to report him to the medical board.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.  I just couldn't deal with it yesterday.  I had an incredibly tough day and had to give myself a break for a day.   

  You have to be very stressed out.  You do need to step back and let your mind chill for a few days. 

Are you getting any exercise?  Maybe going for a walk/hike in a nearby park or some other form of exercise?

It would serve you well to learn/practice some form of anxiety relief:  breathing exercises, various forms of meditation, etc.  I highly recommend an app called Insight Timer.  It's available for both Android and Apple.  There is a lot available for free, including some live events to tune into.  They have some great audio courses, for a modest annual or monthly fee, but there is a lots to explore for free. 

I actually wrote her a letter and at the recommendation of my therapist sent it to the court and to her attorney.  He said that is the only way I can contact her.  My therapist and I both think that her lawyer will not show her the letter.   

I think that the lawyer has a duty to offer the letter to her.  Actually, writing a letter can be a good thing, even if you don't send it. When you want to send a letter, best to write a version, sit on it for a few days, then review it for editing before sending (maybe more than once).  Usually, you are glad you didn't send the first version.

She will have been gone 6 weeks this Friday and I am devastated.  I'm starting to give up.   

  People with BPD/BPD traits are unpredictable, so you don't know what will happen.  All you can do is prepare for your court date, dispute the restraining order and state your position. 

You can only do what's within your control.  I know you feel devastated right now and that has to be hard. What can seem like the end of the world for you, can turn into a fresh new beginning.  When you feel up to it, please read the thread I recommended on the detaching board.  Perhaps it could give you a glimpse of a similar future for you.

Regarding her quack Dr, I have decided to report him to the medical board. 

  Sounds like a good idea for someone to review his prescription writing of controlled substances.  If you partner is forced to see a new primary care doctor, she won't be happy, but an evaluations by a new doctor could force her down a much better path. 

[WorriedHusband]

  You have to be very stressed out.  You do need to step back and let your mind chill for a few days. 

Are you getting any exercise?  Maybe going for a walk/hike in a nearby park or some other form of exercise?

It would serve you well to learn/practice some form of anxiety relief:  breathing exercises, various forms of meditation, etc.  I highly recommend an app called Insight Timer.  It's available for both Android and Apple.  There is a lot available for free, including some live events to tune into.  They have some great audio courses, for a modest annual or monthly fee, but there is a lots to explore for free. 
 I think that the lawyer has a duty to offer the letter to her.  Actually, writing a letter can be a good thing, even if you don't send it. When you want to send a letter, best to write a version, sit on it for a few days, then review it for editing before sending (maybe more than once).  Usually, you are glad you didn't send the first version.
  People with BPD/BPD traits are unpredictable, so you don't know what will happen.  All you can do is prepare for your court date, dispute the restraining order and state your position. 

You can only do what's within your control.  I know you feel devastated right now and that has to be hard. What can seem like the end of the world for you, can turn into a fresh new beginning.  When you feel up to it, please read the thread I recommended on the detaching board.  Perhaps it could give you a glimpse of a similar future for you.
  Sounds like a good idea for someone to review his prescription writing of controlled substances.  If you partner is forced to see a new primary care doctor, she won't be happy, but an evaluations by a new doctor could force her down a much better path. 

I get a lot of exercise.  I ran 4 miles on my lunch break then after work took my dog hiking for 3 miles.  I’m getting in about 10-11 miles per day total right now.  Before she left I got around 6 miles per day.  It’s honestly the only thing that keeps me occupied.

I actually wrote the letter and wasn’t going to send it.  I told my therapist about it and he asked to see it.  He read it and encouraged me to send it.  I’m actually worried the court will think I’m crazy and this could hurt me. Basically it is a 5 paged typed letter talking about how I’ve been in therapy, learning about my own self, how much I’ve learned regarding conflict resolution, validation, etc, and how that I believe we have chance it we put in the work. I could actually forward you what I wrote if you like.

I spoke to the state medical board today and they wanted me to write a letter with the drs name, the patients name, and the complaints.  This gives the dr a chance to respond. I am sure he would tell my wife and she would know it was from me. At this point I think I need to wait on this one.

[once removed]

first things first:

you are going to be okay, WH.

it may not seem like it now. and it didnt when i was going through it myself. in fact, loved ones would tell me later on that they, at times, worried i wouldnt be.

you are going through heartbreak, you are going through the stages of grief, and you are going through a very complicated breakup/divorce. and youre drifting between hope and letting go of hope.

whatever happens, a year from now, you will not be in this pain. five years from now, you wont recognize this pain.

yours is a challenging case. in order to revive this relationship, you need to understand what about it went wrong in the first place, and have a solid game plan for how it would change if you were to get back together.

those things are for naught, though, if shes not a willing partner in the process. that may change. and it also may not. you have a strong support system in place, in either event. youll be well prepared.

my general advice right now, would be that anxiety often tells our bodies that there is an urgent need to act...to say something, to do something, to reach the other person. i would discourage you right now, from trying to do that, as hard as it may be. one of, or all three things tend to happen when we do: they arent received well, they dont paint us in the most attractive light, and we often kick ourselves later.

[WorriedHusband]

Once Removed, thank you for the reply. I think I have figured out what went wrong.  I just don’t see how that is a call for a separation or divorce.  

Her mother is a narcissist that abandoned her, her sister has schizophrenia.  She always has thought it was her job to be their caregivers.  Then there is her child molester father and worthless stepmother that for some reason she feels so loyal to.  He is a manipulator and he enabled her over medicating on tramadol.  He also played on her to get her to carry him to dr appts, etc even though his wife is capable of doing that.  All of them were upset when we moved here in August and I think they were telling her to come back.

She was always so certain that I was lying to her and cheating on her. I think she would tell them her fears and they would use that to drive a wedge between us.

She got here and even though it was the best thing for us she hated it and hated her new job. She wouldn’t even give it a chance.  Looking back at some text from her the week before she left she was telling me I just wasn’t listening. I kept saying to give it a chance and change is always hard, but I guess to her that was me not validating her emotions on the change. A week before she left one text from her was talking about how she hated the new job and place where we live and she said she felt like a bird in a cage.  

I tried to tell her we would buy a house once the lease is up and if she didn’t like her job she could find another. I guess that wasn’t enough.  I now believe she started the fight on purpose as excuse leave.

I heard her, but I wasn’t listening. I could have handled it all so differently. I have so much regret.  To think of what all we have been through together and then this be what splits us up is just so hard to accept.  

I’m curious why everyone here is discouraging me from contacting her for a while?  I know it’s advice based on experience, but what is the reason?  Is it that she still has me splitted black and I need to give it time for the pendulum to swing back to white?  Does chasing them drive them away? What exactly am I waiting on? I guess I’m trying to understand her though process better

[Naughty Nibbler]

I’m curious why everyone here is discouraging me from contacting her for a while?  I know it’s advice based on experience, but what is the reason?  Is it that she still has me splitted black and I need to give it time for the pendulum to swing back to white?  Does chasing them drive them away? What exactly am I waiting on? I guess I’m trying to understand her though process better

#1 Reason:  SHE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER IN PLACE & AGAINST YOU.  Do you want to get arrested? This is you biggest issue and has to be resolved first.  You need to get it lifted before making contact..

#2 Reason:  When someone want a break in communication, it's best to respect it.  Being needy isn't attractive and absence can make the heart grow fonder & people generally want something more, when it isn't too readily available. 

[WorriedHusband]

Yes. I understand about the order.  I have not  attempted to contact her since I was served the divorce and order.  I was referring to if I can get it lifted.

The reason I feel I need to contact her is that if we don’t work on resolving things before court on December 8th the judge will proceed that day and divorce will be granted unless by some miracle the judge sides with me to postpone.

Thank you for the advice.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Yes. I understand about the order.  I have not  attempted to contact her since I was served the divorce and order.  I was referring to if I can get it lifted.

The reason I feel I need to contact her is that if we don’t work on resolving things before court on December 8th the judge will proceed that day and divorce will be granted unless by some miracle the judge sides with me to postpone.

You should consider consulting a divorce attorney.  I know you indicated that you can't afford one, but it could be worth your while to just get a consultation and make it time efficient.  Best to make sure you have accurate info. and know what your options are.   Posting on the Family Law board here, could lead to some helpful input for you.  

I understand that restraining orders can be easy to get initially.  The person served with the order has to have an opportunity to defend their self.  It's hard to fathom that you have no options other than to appear in court and accept a divorce decree.

I believe you responded to the courts that you didn't want a divorce (are contesting it).  You have to be given an opportunity to present your position to the judge and to defend yourself in regard to the restraining order and to contest the divorce.  If you are able to get the judge to believe your side of the story about the restraining order, perhaps the judge might order some counseling (or some degree of communication between the two of you). That could be your opportunity to talk with her and have the conversations you want.  

It's hard to fathom that you could get a restraining order issued, without a chance to defend yourself & tell your side of the story.  Her actions tend to exemplify BPD traits.  Perhaps, the judge will accept that angle and at least require that you both have some level of communication, before he grants a divorce.

[ForeverDad]

That restraining order is in place until the hearing date in 4 weeks.  It is usually called "ex parte" which means only one party needs to request it.  However, it can only be for a short while, usually just a few weeks, before both parties have a hearing before a judge and both can present their sides.

Why not view this restraining order as a "time out" often issued by the court.  It gives both parties the opportunity to seek legal counsel, figure out what they want to say, as well your preference on a number of matters if the case continues.  Will one spouse be required to provide support to the other spouse?  Who lives in the current residence?  Who pays those bills?  Who gets the use of shared vehicles and other properties?  If there are shared financial accounts (deposits, loans, credit cards, etc) how is it temporarily divided and maintained?  If there are children or a pregnancy, how will parenting be assigned temporarily?

Your court  *might* enable you to propose going to marriage counseling, but don't count on it if she opposes it.

I'm not a legal expert, so do not rely on it, but you might be allowed to speak with her in the presence of "an officer of the court", if she is willing to speak too.

[ForeverDad]

In your first post you mentioned you sought closure.  Sadly, you probably can't get that from her.

What did we here in peer support do?  Gift yourself closure.  Let Go.  Move On.

True, it's horrendously difficult.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  There's a bright side.  Once you are through the process and out the other side, you will have all your future before you and life won't feel as troubling then as you feel now.

[WorriedHusband]

That restraining order is in place until the hearing date in 4 weeks.  It is usually called "ex parte" which means only one party needs to request it.  However, it can only be for a short while, usually just a few weeks, before both parties have a hearing before a judge and both can present their sides.

Why not view this restraining order as a "time out" often issued by the court.  It gives both parties the opportunity to seek legal counsel, figure out what they want to say, as well your preference on a number of matters if the case continues.  Will one spouse be required to provide support to the other spouse?  Who lives in the current residence?  Who pays those bills?  Who gets the use of shared vehicles and other properties?  If there are shared financial accounts (deposits, loans, credit cards, etc) how is it temporarily divided and maintained?  If there are children or a pregnancy, how will parenting be assigned temporarily?

Your court  *might* enable you to propose going to marriage counseling, but don't count on it if she opposes it.

I'm not a legal expert, so do not rely on it, but you might be allowed to speak with her in the presence of "an officer of the court", if she is willing to speak too.

I don’t understand really. We had not irreconcilable differences.  She just started a fight and left.  I don’t want a divorce.  I want the opportunity to speak to my wife so we can discuss this.

We didn’t have any shared bank accts.  There should be no marital support.  I already told her that I didn’t want anything if hers. She can have it. I just want the opportunity to try to fix this

[WorriedHusband]

In your first post you mentioned you sought closure.  Sadly, you probably can't get that from her.

What did we here in peer support do?  Gift yourself closure.  Let Go.  Move On.

True, it's horrendously difficult.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  There's a bright side.  Once you are through the process and out the other side, you will have all your future before you and life won't feel as troubling then as you feel now.

I’m seeking closure only as a second option.  I want to reconcile.  We had a great life together until just recently.

[ForeverDad]

I’m seeking closure only as a second option.  I want to reconcile.

Most new members arrive here in peer support expressing exactly that sentiment.  However, the reality is that it takes two persons to repair a relationship.  I'm not saying it's too late to reconcile, we here in remote anonymous peer support can't predict specific cases, but you do have to be realistic, this woman has deep issues since BPD is suspected.

We had a great life together until just recently.

That's not what I read in your early posts.  There were many ups and downs, her cycling was from one extreme to the other.  One perspective that may help you is to recognize that your great life also had not-so-great times as well.

She was constantly going from loving me to hating me.  It seemed to be getting worse.  Her trust of me continued to decline.  She began waking up early and going through my phone.  She would make mountains out of mole hills.  My boss would text me about something work related and she would think I was sleeping with my boss.  If I didn't answer my phone every single time she called it was because I was cheating.   She would always say she heard women in the background and no one would be there. 

I finally got the job transfer and my co-workers had a going away dinner.  It was from 6:00-7:30 after work.  She blew a gasket and accused me of cheating on her because I didn't answer the 50 times she called me during that hour and a half.

We got a house together after I changed jobs and it was more of the same.  She accused me of lying and cheating constantly.  I was walking on eggshells.  For the record I have been 100% faithful to my wife.

How long ago did the worst of your spouse's behaviors worsen?  I suspect it was sometime after you married.  I've written on this before, though I am not a trained professional.  Marriage changes a person's perspective.  For a person with BPD (pwBPD) marriage transmits a sense of obligation in the relationship and that can be very triggering to a pwBPD.  You could feel a sense of obligation and yet the other may feel unable to deal with that obligated relationship.

In my own case I had been married for 15 years before my marriage imploded.  As I look back there were troubling signs from the very beginning.  Seriously, how many newlywed wives on the start of their honeymoon will fake a broken back?  But over the years her incidents gradually got worse and worse.  (Have you heard of the story of the slowly cooked frog who didn't realize to jump out of the pot?)  Near the end it got a lot worse, in my case we had a child, I had hopes it would make her happier but it fed her abuse fears from her childhood.  I had to let her go.

[WorriedHusband]

ForeverDad, we had a great relationship until a year ago, but it didn’t get really bad until we recently moved back in August.  Sure we had ups and downs, but until last year I would have described our relationship as being as close to perfect as could be obtained. 

I’ll admit I always knew something was going on, but I didn’t know about BPD and I just thought she could be a little paranoid and bipolar.

[Mark Dunner]

Hey. i have been reading all your posts and your desire to be with her again is palpable. that being said you have some major work to do on yourself. this isn't a dig but indeed the key to getting rid of this pain. you are suffering because something in you has been reprogrammed or is susceptible to the abuse. i literally am in the tail end a bpd breakup and felt sick for so long until i found out what she had. its ok to be committed but you have to be able to set emotional boundaries. that strength will either attract her back to you or it will make you so strong you may move on. so in some ways its a win win. i promise once you read others experiences you will see the similarities but it will also seem very toxic and unacceptable, either way you definitely deserve peace and chasing her isn't going to bring her back. becoming mentally and emotionally strong will. have a few drinks. moan a bit. come to this board. keep going to therapy and fight for your own peace. go to the gym. wtv. but everyday keep working on yourself. good luck

[WorriedHusband]

Well, as of today I’m divorced.  I still haven’t spoke to my wife.  I saw her today via Zoom during the hearing.  She didn’t look the least bit upset.  I was a wreck and fought to hold back tears throughout the hearing.  I ended up getting an attorney friend I know help me out.  I told him the details and how I didn’t want the divorce.  He told me to let her go.  He actually said he would represent me pro bono if I didn’t contest it. he said he would contest it if I wanted, but if I chose that route he would charge the PLEASE READ out of me. 
He got them to drop her request for attorney fees.  According to her lawyer she just wanted a divorce and didn’t want to see me or speak to me.

[ForeverDad]

One-sided love is so hard, there will no closure from her, you'll have to Gift closure to yourself.  It will take time to recover.

Accept that the courts are there to oversee the unwinding of a marriage.  All it takes is for one spouse to want to end it.  Your wishes and hopes otherwise won't avoid that.

You were wise to listen to your attorney friend, as hard as it was.  It's okay to mourn what was, even if it was in the process of imploding.  Mourn, accept, regather your life and move on.  At first your steps will feel empty but time is a healer.

[once removed]

the end of a relationship, especially when it entails divorce, and all of the cost of a history, a life together, hopes and dreams, is unimaginably hard.

perhaps not now, but in time, the steps you have taken will matter to you, long after the pain is over.

until then (and after that), we are here for you.

[Goosey]

I know your devastated.
Deep deep inside what is there.
Life.
Without the withering criticism (at the kind end of the spectrum
).
Take it as the gift it is.

[phx611]

I have an immense amount of sympathy for you. My ex-girlfriend with BPD have been broken up for nearly a month after a 10-year relationship. It's tough for me and we have had our ups and downs (over what I would consider trivial things sometimes even nothing). I'm thinking that maybe being with her is just not a good thing me for me but this is far from a conclusion.
 It's hard doing the tiptoe thing around behaviors and attitudes that aren's healthy. I mean you can't even bring up anything remotely negative even when the conversation is not animated and totally civil. I imagine you have been through that. When things are good between you they are probably great. I hope that everything works out if you haven't already resolved things by now.

[WorriedHusband]

This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.  We had a wonderful life together for the most part.  It just all went bad so quickly. 
Thank you all for the support.  It still has been no communication between us.  She complete just left and cut me off.  It is taking me longer to accept than it should.  I still don’t know if I accept this, but I obviously don’t have a choice. It took me 2 days after the divorce to even take my ring off and I had tried multiple times before I could actually do it.  Honestly I only took it off because it would have been even more humiliating with everyone knowing I’m divorced but still wearing the ring. It still doesn’t feel right having it off.

I have decided to work on me for a while. I think I just need to be alone and find myself again.  I’m actually getting my passport and getting everything ready for a trip I’ve always wanted to take. I’m getting a trip planned to climb Kilimanjaro in August.  The early climbing season ends in February and I don’t have enough time to make it then so I’m going the next climbing season and will summit the mountain on my birthday

[formflier]

How often do you climb?  Is the outdoors a place you go to get recharged? 


Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

How often do you climb?  Is the outdoors a place you go to get recharged?  


Best,

FF

I hike on Saturdays and again on Sundays, usually about 9 miles each day.  During the week I run.  For distance I can just squeeze 6.5 miles in on my lunch breaks.  I usually do some hill sprints 1-2 days per week.  I try to break 12 miles total per day.  

I haven’t climbed in a long time though.  My last big climb was Fuji

Yes, the outdoors is where I recharge.  Exercising has also been a huge outlet for me.   

[WorriedHusband]

Well, exactly 10 days after the divorce was final she starts trying to contact me.  She wrote me this really long text about how much she loves me, but how bad of a person I am.  She listed all of these examples of things, none of which were true.  She immediately blocked me after that so I couldn’t respond.

The next day she text me goodbye and then a video of a love song. She even tried to FaceTime me.  This time I didn’t even attempt to respond or answer her call.

She text me several more times 2 days later talking about how inappropriate it is that I have female friends on social media when I’m in a relationship.  She is talking about people from 20 years ago that I haven’t seen or talked to.   I couldn’t understand what she was saying really, but could she still believe we are in a relationship after she divorced me?    I never responded.

The following day she sent another love song video. I didn’t reply so 15 min later she wrote “wrong person ouch sorry Forgot blk”. I took it that blk meant she was again blocking me. I didn’t reply to her.  Later that night she sent all these pictures to Facebook messenger and send me some more messages accusing me of being unfaithful.

The next day she sent a text with many pics of us together. She wrote that I’m a chronic cheater.  I never cheated on her.
About 7 hours later she wrote “have a wonderful life ♾ we were just too toxic”.  Again I didn’t reply. This last text from her was 2 days ago.

I have decided not to speak to her again. It’s really shocking to me that she could completely cut me off and tell herself and anyone who will listen all of these lies about me.  I begged and pleaded for her to just talk to me, but she wouldn’t.  She completely ghosted me.  Then 10 days after the divorce she starts this crap.  I just don’t get it. 

[formflier]

Very wise to not communicate with her.

When was the last time you responded to one of her messages?

How are you doing over the holidays?  Stay strong!

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

Very wise to not communicate with her.

When was the last time you responded to one of her messages?

How are you doing over the holidays?  Stay strong!

Best,

FF

I haven’t spoke to her in almost 3 mths.  She ghosted me and I tried to contact her daily for the first 25 days until I was served divorce papers and a restraining order. She never would respond to me. After I was served I stopped trying to contact her.

I just don’t understand why she is trying to contact me now. 

[PearlsBefore]

I haven't read your whole story, just the beginning and the end here - but it sounds to me like whatever her reason is for this renewed contact, she has a very definite plan in her mind. She knows she's unblocking you just long enough to send this and then re-blocking, etc. Also, it's possible to make a huge mistake and send a text meant for your new tall dark and handsome lover to your old lover...but it's not really possible if she has to unblock you to do it, right? So it was intentional - and I would doubt there's even some other lover at all.

If I had to guess, the divorce was a long-term ploy for her all along, wait for it to get finalized to move to Step 2; honestly I'd be suspicious that her plan was just to make you the "enemy" and devastate you...so you'd take her back and her life would be even more pampered.

A dBPD I know very well actually admitted she had an affair...but not "to get revenge" or anything, but because she honestly believed that it would drive her husband crazy with jealousy and then he would be even nicer to her - just like he had done every time she had "attempted suicide". Non-BPD people won't be surprised to hear that's not how it happened; turned out NOBODY really entertained romantic feelings for her, and while the husband took her back he did so "at a discount" making it clear that the incident had obviously decreased his attention and affection for her. She was flabbergasted because she really thought it would play out the same as the suicide attempts - resulting in MORE love and care.

Ultimate moral of the story here though, when he took her back but she was upset that he expressed disappointment and decreased affection and intimacy with her...she literally tried to murder him.

You know your situation better than I do so I don't want to "tell you what to do", but it sounds to me very much like you would not be wise to re-engage, especially where it sounds like she's just putting Step 2 into action of some plan known only to her- and she'll be unhinged if things don't go how she hopes. She's off the deep end, and as difficult as it is for us caregivers to ever wash our hands of a loved one...sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Let her plan die, let her abandon her plots and conspiracies, and then maybe in a few years if she seems to be more stable you can re-engage on healthier terms. :\