I need help, married, mom has BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am so overwhelmed right now. Where do I start to get help?
I lived for 40 years without me realizing how troubled my life turned out to be. Once I met the love of my life and got married it became blatantly apparent.

From the reading and research my wife has done, we have a strong belief that my mother has BPD, is a covert narcissist and raised me in an enmeshed relationship.

The actions of my mother started my wife on her quest for understanding. The bad behavior started at our engagement party and grew from there.

Now I am a mess. My wife and I are teetering on the edge. I can't seem to make the right decisions for my wife and family whenever my mother or old family are involved. I am trying to break free from the enmeshment, but still have relapses and bad behaviors that developed over the years. I have an unnatural fear of disappointing people, especially my mother. This fear of disappointing people, even my wife, has me lieing to either tell people what they want to hear, or just to cover stupid little things. I also have a hard time saying no to people and making my own decisions.

Do any of these symptoms in true with others? What can I do to get on the road to recovery? I don't want to lose my wife,. I can't. Is there any way to keep my old family in our lives?

Also I suffer from combat related PTSD, depression and anxiety. I am currently taking xoloft and Wellbutrin.

Thanks for your help and time,

[ToBlave]

I am so overwhelmed right now. Where do I start to get help?
I lived for 40 years without me realizing how troubled my life turned out to be. Once I met the love of my life and got married it became blatantly apparent.

From the reading and research my wife has done, we have a strong belief that my mother has BPD, is a covert narcissist and raised me in an enmeshed relationship.

The actions of my mother started my wife on her quest for understanding. The bad behavior started at our engagement party and grew from there.

Now I am a mess. My wife and I are teetering on the edge. I can't seem to make the right decisions for my wife and family whenever my mother or old family are involved. I am trying to break free from the enmeshment, but still have relapses and bad behaviors that developed over the years. I have an unnatural fear of disappointing people, especially my mother. This fear of disappointing people, even my wife, has me lieing to either tell people what they want to hear, or just to cover stupid little things. I also have a hard time saying no to people and making my own decisions.

Do any of these symptoms in true with others? What can I do to get on the road to recovery? I don't want to lose my wife,. I can't. Is there any way to keep my old family in our lives?

Also I suffer from combat related PTSD, depression and anxiety. I am currently taking xoloft and Wellbutrin.

Thanks for your help and time,

[Panda39]

Hi ToBlave,

Welcome to the BPD Family

It sounds like your wife coming at your family from the outside and looking in has helped you recognize dysfunction when it comes to your mom.

I'm in a situation similar to your wife. My Significant Other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  I literally discovered BPD by Googling Chronic Lying and the shoe fit.

I can hear your distress at seeing some of the dysfunction for the first time.  It's okay to feel what you feel, this is all new information, a new reality, and it will take time to process.  It's okay to take that time.  

It sounds like you are getting squeezed between your Family of Origin (FOO) and your own Nuclear Family.

Do you live near your FOO?  Do you see each other often? Do you have children? What kind of conflict are you seeing between the two families? It sounds like you are already seeing a Therapist correct? Just trying to get a better feel for what your situation looks like.

I've pulled a couple of links that you might find informative.

Understanding the Narcissistic Family... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

Toxic Shame: What is it and what can we do about it... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117309.0

You are not alone in your experiences and you've come to a great place for support, information and tools.  You're on a journey and we can walk with you.  

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  You definitely are not alone and I can relate to struggling with being enmeshed and acting in ways that are not healthy or good.  The good news is that along with your awareness a willingness to work hard to heal and change can make things a lot better.  It is not easy but it is very worth it.

We can definitely help you here.  We are a peer support group but our focus is on healing and recovery.

Sometimes taking a break from your other family, your mom and whoever else, can be helpful, but it is not necessary or even always recommended.  There are many ways we can go and it can be overwhelming.  I suggest picking one thing to focus on.  Where do you want to start?  What is your biggest issue right now?

You mentioned PTSD.  Are you getting help for that in addition to taking meds (therapy)?  Several of us here, including me, have the diagnosis of PTSD but usually it is more related to complex PTSD, or c-PTSD which is a bit different.  

Panda gave some great links so I am not going to add any at this point but we have a ton of resources that can help.

I hope we hear more from you soon and you feel comfortable jumping into threads and reading and posting.  It can make a huge difference and you can learn and heal a lot here.  so while i am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, I am glad you found us.

[Notwendy]

My mother has BPD and she tends to see people as either on her side or not her side. This can lead people in her circle to be in the difficult position to choose- either her or their loved ones if she has painted these loved ones black or feels they are somehow in competition with her. I think it will help you to read about the Karpman drama triangle to see how this relationship pattern works. I think in general- the pwBPD perceives themselves in "victim" mode, their loved one in "rescuer" mode and the other person as "persecutor". One version of this triangle is when someone is married to a person with BPD and feels forced to choose that person over their family. Yours is another version.

I think it is possible in some situations to work at having a relationship with both the person with BPD and the other family member(s)- in your case your wife, but it also takes some personal work on your part with boundaries. The pwBPD is probably not going to like that, and can act out in ways that will make you feel uncomfortable- and you will need to learn to manage those feelings. It isn't easy to do- as many of us grew up expected to not rock the boat and fearful of our mothers' discomfort. As a result, we learned to people please- and this also lead to us not being authentic- telling people what they want to hear instead of what we really feel. Having boundaries with the pwBPD may also lead to them choosing to discontinue the relationship. This may not be what we want, but we have to accept that people make their own choices. In a family situation, the pwBPD may also enlist other family members to their "side" when they do that.

This pattern played out in my family when I began to have boundaries with my BPD mother. My father was placed in the uncomfortable situation of choosing a relationship with me or her. This was a tough situation for me, but in the long run, I knew I had to have the boundaries and do the personal growth it took to deal with the dysfunctional relationship patterns I learned growing up. In your situation, if you do this, you will likely have a better marriage but your mother will make her own choices. You can leave the door open for a relationship with her. Sometimes these angry reactions are temporary, but you will inevitably disrupt patterns in your family of origin and your family will have to deal with their feelings about this.

I recommend personal counseling for you, and also if you can do it, some marital counseling. The dysfunction in your family may be obvious to your wife but not as obvious to you. Growing up, our families are the only family we know- it is our normal. Also, this kind of personal work and change takes time. For your wife, the solution " tell your mother "no" may seem quick and simple, but it's not that easy for someone who has been raised to fear saying no to their parent, or anyone. As a wife, I would be very frustrated with a husband's enmeshment with their BPD mother and I think it would help for her to understand that you wish to change that but it will take some work on your part . Your posting here is a positive step toward that. I think it will also help her to understand that sometimes, progress isn't linear. We may not  all of a sudden get it, we may slip sometimes but it is progress if the general direction is moving forward to better boundaries. I often wondered why my father could not simply say no to my BPD mother and then, I had to learn to say no to her too- and deal with her reaction when she didn't get her way. I know it is possible, because I have worked on it, and it is possible for you too- with work and support.

[naturalturn]

Hi ToBlave and welcome!

I understand what you mean when you say realizations came along once you were with your wife. I felt the same way when I started to date my now fiance. My respectful and healthy relationship with my fiance showed me how unhealthy my relationship was with my mother. My mother is uBPD and uNPD and I was enmeshed with her as well.

She always loved my fiance, but as time passed and I wanted to have a relationship with him that did not always involve her, she started getting increasingly jealous. Once my father and her separated and started living on their own, things only got worse.

I have not spoken to my mother in 2.5 months and I now see how much my relationship with my fiance was suffering because of her. I was a mess 24/7 and my fiance was exhausted living his life trying to keep me together (not to mention I felt guilty about this.) It wasn't living, it was surviving.

I have been terribly afraid of my mother since I can remember and would sacrifice anything to make her happy/proud. But I realized I was sacrificing my happiness, my life, and my fiance and she STILL was miserable and telling me I wasn't doing enough for her. Finally, I blocked her on my phone in August and haven't spoken to her since. Though I still struggle with guilt and irrational fear of her, things have overall gotten better. I feel like a good partner again, a good coworker again, and I feel like my own person. My anxiety and depression has gotten better too.

I recommend boundaries with your mother. These boundaries can be as small or as big as you want. She most likely won't be happy either way, but you have to do what's best for you. I also recommend you go to therapy by yourself and/or with your wife. Therapy, along with this forum, has empowered me to make difficult decisions and set boundaries in place that I don't know if I could have done by myself.

Hugs to you ToBlave   You are amongst people who understand

[ToBlave]

Hi ToBlave,

Welcome to the BPD Family
Thank you, feeling so lucky having found this community



Do you live near your FOO? No, we are in Texas and my parents are on the east coast
 Do you see each other often? Not too often, maybe twice a year
Do you have children?Yes, two young boys
 What kind of conflict are you seeing between the two families? My wife’s family is great, I feel very welcome and part of the family. Unfortunately my FOO isn’t as welcoming and aren’t inclusive. My mom often makes underhanded comments, or jabs that can be explained away as joking, but her tone is anything but humor
It sounds like you are already seeing a Therapist correct? Yes, but just for the military caused issues
Just trying to get a better feel for what your situation looks like.

I've pulled a couple of links that you might find informative.

Understanding the Narcissistic Family... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

Toxic Shame: What is it and what can we do about it... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117309.0

You are not alone in your experiences and you've come to a great place for support, information and tools.  You're on a journey and we can walk with you.  

Hang in there,
Panda39

Thank you Panda, I truly appreciate your time and support!

[ToBlave]

Hi and welcome to the board!  You definitely are not alone and I can relate to struggling with being enmeshed and acting in ways that are not healthy or good.  The good news is that along with your awareness a willingness to work hard to heal and change can make things a lot better.  It is not easy but it is very worth it.

We can definitely help you here.  We are a peer support group but our focus is on healing and recovery.

Sometimes taking a break from your other family, your mom and whoever else, can be helpful, but it is not necessary or even always recommended.  There are many ways we can go and it can be overwhelming.  I suggest picking one thing to focus on.  Where do you want to start?  What is your biggest issue right now?

You mentioned PTSD.  Are you getting help for that in addition to taking meds (therapy)?  Several of us here, including me, have the diagnosis of PTSD but usually it is more related to complex PTSD, or c-PTSD which is a bit different.  

Panda gave some great links so I am not going to add any at this point but we have a ton of resources that can help.

I hope we hear more from you soon and you feel comfortable jumping into threads and reading and posting.  It can make a huge difference and you can learn and heal a lot here.  so while i am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, I am glad you found us.

Harri,
Thank you! The most pressing issue for me is breaking free from the FOG so that I can be fully dedicated to my wife and children and not under the influence of my FOO. The interference clouds my judgement and it winds up hurting my wife.

Thanks so much!

[Harri]

Hi again. 

Thank you! The most pressing issue for me is breaking free from the FOG so that I can be fully dedicated to my wife and children and not under the influence of my FOO. The interference clouds my judgement and it winds up hurting my wife.

Breaking through FOG and breaking a lifetime of habits takes some time and a lot of hard work but it can be done.  All of us here are working on trying to heal from the past and are looking at our own behaviors so you are not alone. 

Survivor to Thriver Manual This is a great book to start with and it is free to download (just follow the link and then look for the download button on the left and towards the bottom of the page).   See what hits you, what speaks the loudest to you.  Wanting to break through the FOG is a great goal but it is pretty broad so lets break it down a bit. 

I have some more questions that will help us direct you in other areas as well.  When you say you hurt your wife, what do you mean?   Do you lose your temper and yell?  Do you feel suspicious of her behavior?  I am asking because some of these behaviors can be common in survivors.  Can you describe a recent situation with your wife where you hurt her, giving as many details, as possible to hep us understand?

For example, with my ex, I would get upset and never say anything, but let my hurt and anger build until it burst out of me with me yelling and then getting all quiet for days. 

Let's see what we can come up with, okay?

[ToBlave]

Harri,
Thank you for that resource.
I have some more questions that will help us direct you in other areas as well.  When you say you hurt your wife, what do you mean?   Do you lose your temper and yell?  Do you feel suspicious of her behavior?  I am asking because some of these behaviors can be common in survivors.  Can you describe a recent situation with your wife where you hurt her, giving as many details, as possible to hep us understand?

I dont yell or lose my temper. I hurt her by my poor decisions and letting her down. I let my FOO roll over me at her expense. I let them manipulate me and give me guilt trips so I fail in standing up for her and doing what is right, which is putting her first. When faced with a choice, I unknowingly choose them instead of her and I don’t know why.

Recently my wife and I agreed to scale back communication with my mother. I started out doing well, but before long I was texting my mom behind her back and telling lies to cover it up. I destroyed my wife’s trust and broke her heart. My mother has been mean to my wife for no reason and has caused trouble for us, so the betrayal is even worse. I don’t know why I felt that I had to keep in contact with my mother and hide it from my wife. It is like an unseen force was whispering in my ear telling me to do it. As I reflect on it, I can’t find any rational reason why I did that. In the moment I don’t feel like I am doing anything wrong. It baffles me.

All the problems seem to be caused by my telling lies, not making the right choice when faced with a challenge in between my wife and my mother. I feel like I have no control. I need to have my natural instinct to do the right thing and stand up for my wife and show her that I love her.

[ToBlave]

Natural turn,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Seeing other people face the same challenges and overcome gives one hope.

I recommend boundaries with your mother. These boundaries can be as small or as big as you want. She most likely won't be happy either way, but you have to do what's best for you. I also recommend you go to therapy by yourself and/or with your wife. Therapy, along with this forum, has empowered me to make difficult decisions and set boundaries in place that I don't know if I could have done by myself.

Great advice, but it is so hard for me to disappoint my mother, I know it sounds silly and I know it is wrong, but strong guilt overcomes me and I can’t seem to be rational.

I am going to start therapy just for this. I don’t have the strength to go it alone.

[ToBlave]

Not Wendy,
   Thank you for your insight. I have seen the outrage from my mother when things don’t go her way. I also appreciate how you shared the view point of the wife of someone who is enmeshed.

I know with the advice and support here I can overcome these challenges.

Be well,
To Blave

[Notwendy]

I believe you would stop for your wife- and that you want to, but it is difficult- but not impossible. It isn't just your mother, but your family pattern that has been an influence on you since you were born. It also wasn't only a negative influence. I am sure there are many good qualities about you that you can attribute to your parents- and that you truly care about them. It doesn't feel natural to disappoint or cut off our parents- or our family. Some people do this in the most severely abusive cases, but in many cases, our BPD parents also have good qualities. Few people are all bad or all good.

For myself, it didn't just take not speaking to my mother as often- I had to look at my family patterns, be grateful for the many good gifts and attributes I received from my upbringing and re-program the dysfunctional relationship patterns by learning new ones. . This took some time and support.

When you try "not calling your mother" you also don't replace it with a new skill. A new skill could be "how to talk to my mother without being emotionally triggered". It isn't the speaking to her that becomes an issue- it's the interaction. One idea - when you learn new skills is to speak to her so you can practice. It also isn't an all or none thing- you don't wake up one day and decide- I won't speak to her, I won't get triggered. You will find yourself being triggered less often, or being able to hold a boundary more often than not. You have been a part of your family since you were born and these patterns are all you know. It's not about only breaking them, you have to learn new ways of relating in a less dysfunctional way.

One thing you do need to stop doing is lying to your wife. This is very hurtful to your relationship. However, you may not be able to achieve her expectations quickly or all at once. I do think she needs to understand this. I think she can have the expectation that you desire to work on this and that you are working on it. I also think it would help her to understand the work that needs to be done. Don't make a promise you can't stick to. Maybe the only promise you can make right now is- I am going to seek professional help for this and work on it as best as I can.

I can share how I did it- through counseling and 12 step groups- co-dependency groups and ACA. ACA works with dysfunctional family patterns- alcohol does not need to be involved as the patterns are similar to an alcoholic family. These groups work as the patterns are similar to relationships with people who are addicted to something and where other family members are enmeshed and enabling. One of the most helpful people to me was a sponsor who held me to it. Being enmeshed/enabling is similar to being addicted. You mentioned you want to communicate less with your mother but when she texts you you feel you can't help it. Then you lie to your wife about it. This is the same type of pattern as a person who wants to stop drinking, even if drinking isn't an issue for you. I don't have issues with alcohol, so I was hesitant about these groups but I found that it isn't specific to the substance, but the patterns and the family patterns that are the issue. I don't think I would have achieved what I did on my own as well.

I also think marital counseling with a therapist who understands these family patterns and how we bring them into marriage - and how we improve them-would be helpful for both of you.

[Panda39]

Hi ToBlave,

I agree with the others and also wanted to throw out the idea that your wife also join us, if you and she are comfortable with the idea.

I'm here because my SO's uBPDxw, my SO and I both joined here, which helped us talk about things (triggered conversations), helped us learn tools and concepts, basically being here helped us speak the same language when it came to his ex.

There is support for you here and there is for her too as you both come at your BPDmom from different angles.

Panda39

[naturalturn]

Natural turn,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Seeing other people face the same challenges and overcome gives one hope.

I recommend boundaries with your mother. These boundaries can be as small or as big as you want. She most likely won't be happy either way, but you have to do what's best for you. I also recommend you go to therapy by yourself and/or with your wife. Therapy, along with this forum, has empowered me to make difficult decisions and set boundaries in place that I don't know if I could have done by myself.

Great advice, but it is so hard for me to disappoint my mother, I know it sounds silly and I know it is wrong, but strong guilt overcomes me and I can’t seem to be rational.

I am going to start therapy just for this. I don’t have the strength to go it alone.

I understand the irrational fear of disappointing your mother and the fear of having extreme guilt. I felt the exact same way and still struggle with this. It feels it's impossible to put up boundaries because everything revolves around pleasing her and keeping her happy. You're right, you may very well feel guilt when you create a boundary, but with support from others, the benefits of the boundary will outweigh the guilt... .I felt just like you and I still feel guilt, but it does not rule my life like it used to, boundaries have helped me get to this point. I wish you all the best ToBlave in finding a therapist   and know that we are here to support you through this time

[Harri]

Hi again.  I don't have much to add to what others here have said so well.  Boundaries, identifying old patterns of behaviors, trying new behaviors, all of those things are important. 

One thing I do want to add is that changing the way you react to your mother or how much you interact (like with the phone calls) will feel wrong and unnatural at first.  It will be hard and I can remember haivng my mind made up to do one thing only to realize I did what I said I would not do... .no real conscious choice being made, just habit... .conditioned behaviors that I developed and carried out over decades.  Changing that is hard especially when your head is stuffed with FOG.  Stick with it even if it feels unnatural and is almost painful to change what you do.  Change is hard and difficult and sometimes takes every ounce of concentration and energy we have.  Keep doing it.  It gets easier over time.

 

[ToBlave]

Not Wendy,
   Thank you, I never considered how the behavior patterns that I exhibit are so similar to that of an addiction, but now I can see the parallels clear as day. The guilt and duty I feel I owe my mother is like the power of a substance over someone with an addiction.

   My wife is active on this site as well, she actually found it and started posting first. I have never been good at expressing emotions, moreover even having emotions it seems; so I was reluctant at first to start posting.

Panda,
   I have contacted two therapists this week, but have not yet received a call back. I am looking for help outside of the VA system, I hope specialists in BPD will be better equipped to help me. I’ll keep you updated on how things go!

Harri,
   What you shared felt like I could have written it myself. I went through the same issues and changing my actions almost unknowingly.


So another day and another problem. My mother posted a not so veiled threat online about my family. It wasn’t violent, just implying “You had better do as I expect “. A lot of my wife’s family saw the post before my mother deleted the message. My wife and I don’t use social media, so there was no way we’d see the posting. Not sure what my mother was trying to accomplish, maybe some passive aggressive back channel communication ?  A moment of rage that passed? Either way I feel I need confront my mother and make sure that I finally show my wife I will do what is right and stand up for her and our family. But how do I go about it? My family never really had confrontation or open dialogue, so this is a whole new realm for me. I am very anxious about it and not looking forward to the task. I know it is right though and something I must do. It also means a lot to my marriage, all the times I have failed my wife have taken their toll on our relationship and I need to put something in the win column to rebuild some of the trust my wife lost in me.

Thank you all for your sharing, supportive words and help,

To Blave

[Harri]

Either way I feel I need confront my mother and make sure that I finally show my wife I will do what is right and stand up for her and our family. But how do I go about it?

Can you give a clear example of what it was she said?  Some (most?) things are best ignored as any attention can fuel further similar behavior.  If you give us details we can brainstorm and come up with a couple of ways you can manage this.  Practicing here and having a basic plan can help reduce the anxiety.

It also means a lot to my marriage, all the times I have failed my wife have taken their toll on our relationship and I need to put something in the win column to rebuild some of the trust my wife lost in me.

Just a caution here.  I understand the desire for a win, but changing behaviors takes time and often small steps happen first.  This is not like stopping a regular habit you have.  This is about changing deeply ingrained behaviors that are ruled by decades of emotional and cognitive processes.  I am just concerned about you placing too much pressure on yourself for this situation.  Breathe, relax.  We can help.

When we start setting limits or change the way we interact with our pwBPD, there can be a lot of pushback and an increase in the undesired behavior.  Slowing down and being more deliberate in our choices on how to proceed can make a big difference for us... .which in turn can make things better with your wife.  She will have to work on her expectations as well.   

[Panda39]

ToBlave,

Yay!   on seeking a therapist! I'm also glad your wife is here too. Go team ToBlave!

So another day and another problem. My mother posted a not so veiled threat online about my family. It wasn’t violent, just implying “You had better do as I expect “.

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional Blackmail. And if you don't get back in line? What do you fear?

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

My first inclination on the negative post is to do nothing... .your mom is looking for engagement, drama and trying to control. Don't do what she wants you to do in the post and don't respond to the post.  Don't feed the drama and don't give into her bullying.  This will likely be uncomfortable for you, but the more you practice the easier it will get. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Panda39

[Radcliff]

ToBlave, you are getting some excellent advice here.  It took years to form the patterns with your mother that you are trying to break, and it will take time, courage, and a lot of hard work and support to alter them.  There will be setbacks and disappointment.  But you absolutely can do it.  You will start to see signs of progress.  Stick with us, and we will stick with you.

RC

[ToBlave]

Hi all,
I hope Monday treated you well.

Harri,
From what I was told she posted a picture of my sons and I (not my wife) and captioned it “ I haven’t seen my grandsons in two years, this next trip better not be canceled “. We had recently asked my parents to reschedule their visit from October to January or later to allow my wife and I to work on some of these issues. At this point we plan on just ignoring her, don’t want to feed the fire. Also, not sure how much more stress I can handle.

Panda,
  Good question, not sure what I fear to be honest. Just a feeling that I shouldn’t oppose my mother, I know it sounds odd, but it is some stomach churning inner struggle even just thinking about the task. Thank you for the link!

Radcliff,
   Thank you for the encouraging words. I am amazed by the knowledge and caring shown on this forum. I can’t thank you all enough.

[Harri]

 

Yeah, laving the facebook post alone is the best option.  Just don't take the bait and remember, if she is doing this for attention (and she probably is) any attention, even negative, is still attention.

Just a feeling that I shouldn’t oppose my mother, I know it sounds odd, but it is some stomach churning inner struggle even just thinking about the task. Thank you for the link!

I know you wrote this to Panda but (!) this does not sound odd.  You have been conditioned, trained, groomed, pick your word, to respond to you mother from the time you were a baby.  Breaking these almost reflexive and automatic responses can be done though.  Stick with it... .let that stomach churn a bit.  I know you have some big goals, but start small with the boundaries.  Get familiar with them and how it feels and then build from there.

Take care!

[Notwendy]

Family patterns serve to balance a family. They may be dysfunctional but they keep the family in emotional balance. Each family member plays a certain role. You may recognize yourself in one or more of them- some examples are enabling partner, scapegoat child, golden child.

When one family member changes their behavior, it shifts the comfort level of the other members. This family member is not doing their job to keep the balance. They may react by escalating their behaviors. This only makes sense- if a behavior works for them, they will use it. It's as if your mother's main tool was a hammer. When something isn't comfortable for her, she's going to hammer at it. Eventually family members will need to see that their old tools don't work- but first they will just keep trying the ones they have.

You may be facing a tough choice. In a non dysfunctional family, a married man can love his wife, his children, his siblings and his parents. When BPD is thrown into the mix, this may be difficult. When I first started to have boundaries with my BPD mother, she didn't like it. My father was her rescuer. She enlisted him to get me back into the pattern. I resisted, so she interfered with my relationship with him. It was comply with her, or else. I resisted. In a way, I felt I had to choose between my family and my parents. This wasn't as much about my marriage as having boundaries with my children- she wanted to enlist them as her emotional caretakers and manipulate them. I didn't want her to treat them like she treated me. I expected my father to understand this, but he didn't- he aligned with her.

Your choice may be- your mother or your wife. What I have learned though is that my mother isn't generally pleased with attempts to please her. I don't think any amount of pleasing her would make her truly happy. I had to turn into my own ethical values. I do treat my mother with respect, but I also don't enable her or be her doormat. I have the right to protect my children and I will. I would have liked to be able to do this and please my parents, but this wasn't the way things worked with them.

Steps to change can take time. I see from your posts that you truly love your wife. I hope in time you can have a balance with your mother and your wife, but also know that you have to honor your own values and choices. Your mother will likely act up, make more posts, get angry but these are her choices. The best you can do it make the best choices for you.

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Dear ToBlave,

Reading parts of your post sound very similar to my situation:

we have a strong belief that my mother has BPD, is a covert narcissist and raised me in an enmeshed relationship.

Now I am a mess. My wife and I are teetering on the edge. I can't seem to make the right decisions for my wife and family whenever my mother or old family are involved. I am trying to break free from the enmeshment, but still have relapses and bad behaviors that developed over the years. I have an unnatural fear of disappointing people, especially my mother. This fear of disappointing people, even my wife, has me lieing to either tell people what they want to hear, or just to cover stupid little things. I also have a hard time saying no to people and making my own decisions.

Do any of these symptoms in true with others? What can I do to get on the road to recovery? I don't want to lose my wife,. I can't. Is there any way to keep my old family in our lives?

In therapy, I realized how enmeshed I was with my uBPD mother.  For the past two years before going NC with her, I spent more time with her on the weekends than with my wife and son.  I was scared that she would do something horrible, like committing suicide -- which she has threatened since I was a child, if I wasn't there for her.  By helping her cope with life, I felt that it gave me a sense of duty.

However, what I didn't realize is that I was gradually losing my wife and son, both of whom had been verbally and physically abused by my mother, by neglecting them.

The wakeup call came when my wife said she wanted a separation.  Soon thereafter, my seven-year old son told me crying, if I was going to leave him for my mother.

These events led me to see the world from a different perspective and create some distance between me and my mother.  Unfortunately, this resulted in a much higher frequency of suicide threats, raging, and splitting (with me) on her part.  Once again, I was trapped in her emotional black hole fully of negativity.

Ultimately, and after many attempts of improving the relationship through counseling (x2 counselors), I told her that I wanted to have a businesslike relationship with her.  This prompted to ask me for explanations after explanations for five hours straight.  After saying I needed a break, she called me an arrogant jerk, and that I was the one with all the problems.  Since then I have not spoken with her, and I stopped emailing her/texting her since she broke into my house and assaulted my wife after wanting to see how my son and I were doing.

Thus, in order to improve/save your marriage, you might want to take an "emotional vacation" from your mother.  I know it is difficult -- it took me two years and many unpleasant events to see things from that perspective, but, it was worth it.