The messy ending is proving hard

[SES]

I'm going through divorce.   I have faced some false allegations (I'm going to kill myself and my kids)... .And I'm braced for more.  She has a police caution for assaulting me recently,  and I have an injunction preventing her from communicating with me.  She was offered a psychiatric admission when she was in the police station... .But she declined. 

She is nine months into a relationship with a drug abusing man who has been renting a room in a shared house.  It's love.  He is amazing.   She idealises him.

I have gone, in her mind, from the loving husband and good father... .To abusive, controlling,  mentally unstable, etc...

I am mindful of the need not to get drawn into her mess and craziness... .But this is hard... .Now six months on from finding out about her affair.    Still waiting to sell house, and agree childcare arrangements... .  She hasn't responded to my lawyer... .

I know this will improve... .Eventually

Livednlearned,  and others, you have told me of your experience of divorce... .  How is your relationship with the ex after it was concluded?   I hope to have very limited contact with her... .

I'm having a day of feeling despair... .

Lawyer was good... .She feels wife is attention seeking,  and feels that wife can say what she wants, and have statements from whomever... .  But hard evidence like a police record count for more.

I'm just sounding off, feeling worried,  and struggling today... .Tomorrow is another day though.

[Mutt]

Hi SES,

Divorce is tough. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard day.

How is your relationship with the ex after it was concluded?   I hope to have very limited contact with her... .

I suggest having a system in place. I have to spoken to my ex in 2 years on the phone since post break-up. I parallel parent and only discuss the children's needs by email communication and forgo the rest.

The first part of putting the system in place was difficult for both sides. She tested my boundaries many times and it eventually petered off. Over the last several months, I get the occasional email where she accuses me of something or criticizes me for my parenting. Silence is a source of great strength.

She understands I mean business and won't respond to hostility, emotional immaturity, accusations etc I only respond to the kids needs and more often than not, those are the types of communiques that I receive.

2 years ago it was chaos and now I have peace in my life.

[SES]

Thanks Mutt

The breakup is hard.  The affair was harder.  Her venom and cruelty after her decision to divorce has been extremely hard. 

I can step back and see it for what it is... .  disordered behaviour.  It's just hard and frustrating when I'm caught up in it with kids.   Lots of false accusations.    Lots and lots of lies and distortion.  Lots of threats.   Lots of cruelty.   No remorse.   Her sense of entitlement.    Smear campaigns.   Probably trying to alienate the kids.   Getting support from her mum, sister and friends. 

In the blink of her eye I went from loving husband, to the man who will kill himself and his kids, controlling,  abusive, manipulative,  lying, cheating.    When I take a step back I know this is splitting and projection.  It's just trying to disengage with the mess, and step back, can be hard, especially when mud is being thrown around, and I have two small kids to think about.   The less I engage with her the better.  The false allegations have  been free flowing since she got arrested for assaulting me.   She was offered an admission,  but didn't take it.   Her boyfriend is a drug user, so there is a chance this is all made worse by drugs.   It will improve,  and is just a process.  The process is twofold... .Divorce and loss of relationship/marriage /friendship.     There is nothing I can do about the loss, other than preserve myself and my kids.   My kids are my focus throughout.    I want to carve out stability for them.   This craziness will become more manageable.

Mutt... .Your communication system sounds a good idea.   I would prefer to to speak to her again due to her caustic,  manipulative, and baiting manner.    I can't wait for us to sell our house and move out.   It will be much easier when I don't have to see her.