It's becoming clear now

[Blimblam]

So this last week I went to a funeral for my aunt in another part of the country and saw and spent time with extended family I rarely see.  All of a sudden dysfunctional patterns that existed in my foo and my dads foo were just so obvious. I could just see how the pieces fit and how that has trickled down into my cousins. I could see the pain people were hiding from and the false self they had built up to cope with it. 

I spent time playing with my cousins three year old son I had met for the first time.  The kid was acting out it when I played with his toys he like revealed everything me it was really powerfull and I broke through crying and I could see the pattern repeating again in this child like it did in all of us like a family curse.

[Blimblam]

I've decided to get myself back out there somehow heck I'll hitchhike across the country of I can't get enough money. Then I'm going to babysit and help out with family out there to help them get there mothers ashes to the ocean like she wanted.  It's rough because there was like this void there and I seemed to be the only one in the family who understood I was like providing council to my dads sisters and my cousins a lot while there.  I think I helped like help start the healimg a bit of a schism in the family. It's just so sad how that broken family they came from has effected all of us and this like need to run away they all have inside. 

[Crumbling]

You've got quite a challenge ahead of you, by the sounds of things, Blim.  But it sounds like a good goal to have... .I just have one question, for your own consideration... .how much of your motivation for this is a need to rescue and how much is a clear goal of sharing what you have learned?  How are you going to feel if you hike across the country only to be met by resistance and negativity?  Have you got your details all worked out? ~~~okay I guess that was more than one question... .  ... .the mama bear in me kicked in... .

I'm in a place where I'm trying to sort out which of my actions are enabling, and which are simple validation and recognition of need.  And many years ago, I actively sought bringing my foo into my healing only to be met with an ousting... .almost no one in my foo speaks to me now, but my mom, and even then, it's only two/three times a year.  Enough to keep up the appearance of a r/s, but that's it.  Hope your situation goes better than mine did.

I'm sorry you lost your aunt, but it sounds like you are making the best of the situation and your 'new eyes' are bringing clarity to your foo.  Those are really great milestones, Blim.

Thanks for sharing,

c.

[Blimblam]

Crumbling,

Surprisingly my family responded extremely well.  I just listened to people and how they felt about things and then a picture began to become clear and I could see how different people viewed it depending on their own false self.  My dad and one of his sisters have a sort of life long fued and they are begining to resolve it. I could feel idk I guess the countertransference but I didn't attach my identity to it. 

I am pretty sure my grandfather had BPD and was very abusive with my dads family and that has effected everyone. I can sense sort of voids in them that they are just out of reach of realizing and they could use a little help to get onto a path where they begin to resolve those issues.  It's just they have other responsibilities that they need help with while they transition. So I can help with that.  Like its my aunts dying wish to have her ashes brought to the ocean and she was really concerned about her daughter. 

I used to be a sort of drifter I guess and I would show up at a place and sort of rewire it so people could resolve issues bothering them and then move on.  My issues have been when I have attached my identity to the person they often saw me as. 

When I'm doing it right I find myself in a sort of groove that things come together so I'll just pursue that an follow my gut.  There was another time in my life I did that and it was my sweet spot.