How to handle constant break ups?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am coming to the end of another cycle with my bfwBPD. For the last couple of weeks, he has been contact less and had a complete emotional breakdown on our trip to Hawaii two weeks ago. He ruined the entire trip with his meltdowns and constantly not being happy. Towards the end of the trip, I finally broke down and told him I couldn't handle his behavior anymore and I was tired of constantly validating him. Last night we went out for Halloween and had a great time. It was one of the better times that we have had in a while.

This morning, he informed me he was going to watch the football game with his coworkers and did not invite me. When I asked him why I wasn't invited, he brought up his coworkers party that I went to back in May, where I was so nervous I barely talked to people. He said he was afraid it would happen again. I asked him to give me another chance and he refused. He then changed the subject and said that he has not been happy for a while and that he still hasn't gotten over what happened in Hawaii. He was ready for us to go our separate ways.

This time I agreed with him. I validated all of his concern with our relationship and he started saying that things were actually pretty good between us. Then I brought up doing some things together and he said no that he really wanted to split. He told me to reopen my online dating accounts and move on. We had one last hug before he left where I broke down and cried with him holding me. He send he would keep in touch and contact me every day.

So my question is, did I handle this correctly? How could I have prevented this. It really bothers me that we are not spending the entire weekends together anymore. It's been getting worse and worse. This weekend it was less than 24 hours. Every time we have broken up before, he has dated other people. I can't handle that anymore. It really bothers me. It has been a pattern of every 2-3 months we break up. After two weeks we are back together. For the last 6 months, I have initiated every return after a breakup.

[Lovingme35]

I am coming to the end of another cycle with my bfwBPD. For the last couple of weeks, he has been contact less and had a complete emotional breakdown on our trip to Hawaii two weeks ago. He ruined the entire trip with his meltdowns and constantly not being happy. Towards the end of the trip, I finally broke down and told him I couldn't handle his behavior anymore and I was tired of constantly validating him. Last night we went out for Halloween and had a great time. It was one of the better times that we have had in a while.

This morning, he informed me he was going to watch the football game with his coworkers and did not invite me. When I asked him why I wasn't invited, he brought up his coworkers party that I went to back in May, where I was so nervous I barely talked to people. He said he was afraid it would happen again. I asked him to give me another chance and he refused. He then changed the subject and said that he has not been happy for a while and that he still hasn't gotten over what happened in Hawaii. He was ready for us to go our separate ways.

This time I agreed with him. I validated all of his concern with our relationship and he started saying that things were actually pretty good between us. Then I brought up doing some things together and he said no that he really wanted to split. He told me to reopen my online dating accounts and move on. We had one last hug before he left where I broke down and cried with him holding me. He send he would keep in touch and contact me every day.

So my question is, did I handle this correctly? How could I have prevented this. It really bothers me that we are not spending the entire weekends together anymore. It's been getting worse and worse. This weekend it was less than 24 hours. Every time we have broken up before, he has dated other people. I can't handle that anymore. It really bothers me. It has been a pattern of every 2-3 months we break up. After two weeks we are back together. For the last 6 months, I have initiated every return after a breakup.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

It's a vicious cycle that tears you apart.  I'm sorry you, or anyone, has to deal with this type of emotional pain.

I am also tired of hurting and taking responsibility (actual or forced) for everything that went wrong in our relationship.  

At the same time I desperately want to reconcile with my ex  at times.  I miss her more than I care to admit and in the few moments of clarity I have through the pain of loss, it shocks me how I am able to rationalize and potentially excuse all the hurtful things she did and could do in the future.  I find myself believing she can be the type of partner I need and deserve, that she really isn't that bad, which in many ways is true.  However in some very important ways I have serious doubts if things will ever change.  Factor in the future child she wants and the fear is not just for myself but for our child if we were to have one.  A home filled with turmoil is not the stable and healthy home I need/want to raise a child in.

I think it is particularly hard for those of us that deal with a high functioning pwBPD where the damaging behaviour is equal to or less than the good.  My ex isn't anywhere near what I see a lot of on this board, but then we also didn't live with each other so my exposure to her was somewhat limited.

I can't tell you if what you did was right or not, just that it was what you needed to do for yourself.  I also don't know if you could have prevented it.  I tried my hardest to "prevent" my ex's behaviour that was hurting me by letting her know how her actions impacted me and  by setting boundaries (which I let her cross).  In the end no matter how many times I forgave her or gave her the benefit of the doubt it wasn't enough and she just kept doing the hurtful things.  To her credit she did try and it did get somewhat better but it never really stopped and it effectively pushed me away and eventually destroyed our relationship.

So you have to ask yourself what are you willing to put up with?  How much of yourself are you willing to lose before you take back your life?  I'm not suggesting you can't fix your relationship but rather you need to take care of yourself otherwise you will end up like I did ... .resentful, bitter and emotionally dead.

[pallavirajsinghani]

For the last 6 months, I have initiated every return after a breakup.

When you feel comfortable, would you mind elaborating as to why.

I do not ask as a criticism, rather I believe that this question will be the first step into self-exploration leading to choices that make you happy, leading to learning skills and utilize tools that bring on the desired outcome.

Allow yourself to hurt, let tears fall... .it's ok to feel this way.

and

Allow yourself to be surrounded by a loving, caring, strong bunch of people here... .

God Bless.

[Lovingme35]

For the last 6 months, I have initiated every return after a breakup.

When you feel comfortable, would you mind elaborating as to why.

This question made me cry. I cannot explain it. When I first me him, I liked all of the attention he gave me. We had a good time every time we went out. Then a few bad days were added here and there. As the months passed, the bad days grew. On the last vacation, he was a monster the entire trip. I hated him and thought no one could put up with him. I took him to my favorite place in the world and he ruined it for me. I swore I was going to leave him as soon as I got back and I did. I didn't talk or respond to him for four days. Then I started thinking that maybe I was overreacting. Remembering the good side of him. So I contacted him and acted like everything was ok.

I am strong at first, but it fades quickly. I go out on a few dates and the guys completely suck. I start to panic thinking about him with someone else. So I sit at the house and think about what he could be doing at the moment. Then I plan on how I would make the next contact without looking needy.

I am an attractive girl. I have no problem getting dates. I have lots of friends. I have never been like this towards anyone else. I was with my ex for 16 years and had no trouble walking away.

[Lovingme35]

I am having a very hard time today. I can't stop crying thinking about how I could have approached things better. He said he would contact me this morning. I am trying to keep busy and not think about it but it's not working very well. :'(

[shatra]

lovong wrote---

  He told me to reopen my online dating accounts and move on.

-----Did he mean this?That would sound like a final goodbye from a non-BPD, but might not meant that coming from a BPD. Do u know what he meant?

[Lovingme35]

lovong wrote---

  He told me to reopen my online dating accounts and move on.

-----Did he mean this?That would sound like a final goodbye from a non-BPD, but might not meant that coming from a BPD. Do u know what he meant?

I don't know yet. He promised he would contact me this morning and he has not yet. It's only 9:40 here. If he does not contact me by the end of the day, I would say yes. I need to move on if that's the case. Otherwise I am thinking this is meant to be a punishment for not talking to him for four day. I am crying and freaking out right now.

[Daniell85]

coming from someone with BPD, my experience is mostly that they really do feel that way right now then you give them a couple of weeks and they calm down and want to sort things out.

I think it's just grand standing. Playing chicken, baiting to see if you will bite. They are upset and they are getting you all upset, too.

No doubt, it's emotionally destructive to the non unless they can get some serious detachment. That detachment comes at a cost, though. Radical acceptance, grieving the relationship you hoped you would have.

There are books out there ( and online articles) on trauma bonding. Basically you bond with people who hurt you. It's a variation of Stockholm syndrome. It's part of what snaps us back again and again into these sorts of relationships.

What happens if when he calls, you tell him that you understand he is upset, validate it's ok, let him know you are feeling some of the same, and just ask to be really low key so the two of you can calm down, knowing each other are there, and after a few days, people will feel better and maybe you can do something together that you both enjoy.

[Daniell85]

We cross posted.

I am curious, what is at the heart of this panicking and freaking out for you.

What is scaring you right now? talk to us. 

[Lovingme35]

We cross posted.

I am curious, what is at the heart of this panicking and freaking out for you.

What is scaring you right now? talk to us. 

I think your right about your previous post above Danielle. I just need to calm down.

I am mostly upset because I think he might be dating someone else. I read other posts on here and see that it is very common to have a replacement lined up already. I did beg him to tell me if that was the case before he left. I told him it would be easier to move on if I knew that was the case. I begged him to tell me if he had been unfaithful in our relationship so that I would have something to focus on and move on. He said he had nothing to tell me.

[Daniell85]

Does he have a pattern of dishonesty with you?

[Lovingme35]

Does he have a pattern of dishonesty with you?

No.

He did go out on a date during our last break up, but he told me about it. 

[Ashamedandangry]

Lovingme35:

I can totally relate to what you are feeling.  You see, 7 years with my ExBPD and I only knew for certain of one woman he cheated on me with.  It wasn't until he left me a month ago and moved in the same night he left me with his other victim, that I found out through family members of his that he had been cheating on me with multiple women.  Knowing that he cheated on me with multiple women did not make me feel any better, it felt worst.  One woman is hurtful but many... .  Ughhhhh, broke what was left of me.  He refuses to admit to truth, and is now blaming me for everything that "he" did to me.

[shatra]

coming from someone with BPD, my experience is mostly that they really do feel that way right now then you give them a couple of weeks and they calm down and want to sort things out.

I think it's just grand standing. Playing chicken, baiting to see if you will bite. They are upset and they are getting you all upset, too.

-----Mine said this a few months ago.  He has a new "friend"... .I am wondering if he will come back and try a charm, as the friend is said to have BPD as well.  I would be hopeless if a non BPD said to go look for someone else and good luck in life, but I wonder if a BPD might mean as you said "I feel that way today and might turn around next week"

[Lovingme35]

coming from someone with BPD, my experience is mostly that they really do feel that way right now then you give them a couple of weeks and they calm down and want to sort things out.

I think it's just grand standing. Playing chicken, baiting to see if you will bite. They are upset and they are getting you all upset, too.

-----Mine said this a few months ago.  He has a new "friend"... .I am wondering if he will come back and try a charm, as the friend is said to have BPD as well.  I would be hopeless if a non BPD said to go look for someone else and good luck in life, but I wonder if a BPD might mean as you said "I feel that way today and might turn around next week"

It is what that means. Mine does not even have a "memory" of what happened a couple of weeks ago. I give him two weeks and I turn into an Angel. He forgets everything that was bad. Then the cycle starts all over.

[Daniell85]

ok, then maybe it will help to try and get a handle on where the good times start to break down and figure out ways to minimize the frequency and intensity of them.

So you guys goes off to Hawaii. Good times. What was the first indication to you that the trip was heading into a downward spiral?

[Lovingme35]

ok, then maybe it will help to try and get a handle on where the good times start to break down and figure out ways to minimize the frequency and intensity of them.

So you guys goes off to Hawaii. Good times. What was the first indication to you that the trip was heading into a downward spiral?

When we landed and he saw all of the lava, he said "This is not how I thought of Hawaii." He basically thought it was going to be all white sand beaches and palm trees. We did have fun, but he had his mask removed the entire trip. If that makes since. Everything and anything that could go wrong did. From someone having an allergic reaction on the flight over to almost everything being closed, and it all fell back on me. I was emotionally exhausted after 5 days.

After my last post, I think I am going to let this one fall back on him. If he doesn't contact me and make an effort this time, then I am moving on. That was basically my biggest beef with him in Hawaii and even before that. I was making all of the effort in everything. He has been depressed ever since he moved.

[C.Stein]

I am having a very hard time today. I can't stop crying thinking about how I could have approached things better.

You and me both.   

[Lovingme35]

A little after noon now and he still hasn't contacted me. Remembering that he said he said he wouldn't let it happen again, where we get back together. I'm having a breakdown. He promised he would contact me

[Daniell85]

I want to reassure you... and I obviously can't guarantee anything.

He knows he promised to call. He's working you. He may work you tomorrow and the next day, too.

He might do it for the next two months.

Or he might calm down after a couple of days and reach out.

So let's focus on you. You are emotionally exhausted. So let's reframe this a bit. YOU could use some time to recover. And yes, it feels awful to have it seem like you are getting abandoned again.  It's horrible. I still get that sick panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach when boyfriend blocks me. It's awful.

So let's re direct you a bit. I remember I was reading back through people's old posts, and Phoebe posted about how her boyfriend was being a pill. So she finally just quietly walked off and did other things. Anything that made her life better. And lo and behold, he got curious eventually and reached out.

Sometimes stepping backward and going quiet gives the other person the space to calm down and in that vacuum, they will step up to the plate.

Today what can you do to create a space for YOU to calm down and feel ok? Did you have a decent meal. What about getting some rest?

[Lovingme35]

Thank you Daniell. You have always been right in the past. I do need to take a few steps back and relax. It is just so hard to figure out what his intentions are. It's hard and then I always think the worse. I forced myself to eat lunch and I got a good nights sleep.

I am going to try and set up some fun activities for the rest of the week and focus on myself. These break ups actually make me stronger once I get over the initial shock.

[Lovingme35]

Day is getting better! Just got an offer for a job change with a raise, in which I start tomorrow! I am so excited but now I feel like I cant tell him unless he contacts me.  

I guess I will have to hold the good news in.

[C.Stein]

Day is getting better! Just got an offer for a job change with a raise, in which I start tomorrow! I am so excited but now I feel like I cant tell him unless he contacts me.  

I guess I will have to hold the good news in.

Congratulations on the job change.  This will give you something positive to focus on.