My partner has become more unwell since we had our daughter

[Depression = 72% of members]

My partner has become more unwell since we had our daughter - I think due to sleep deprivation and the extra stress to react to. It has become extremely difficult for me to talk to him about anything (let alone trying to change his behaviour so we can stay in a relationship) - if I say something he doesn't like he just tells me to shut my mouth or gets angrier in front of our daughter. He then blames me for the behaviour he has been exhibiting.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can approach this for a successful out come? TIA

[Abc99]

My partner has become more unwell since we had our daughter - I think due to sleep deprivation and the extra stress to react to. It has become extremely difficult for me to talk to him about anything (let alone trying to change his behaviour so we can stay in a relationship) - if I say something he doesn't like he just tells me to shut my mouth or gets angrier in front of our daughter. He then blames me for the behaviour he has been exhibiting.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can approach this for a successful out come? TIA

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[Ozzie101]

Welcome Abc99!

You're in good company here. People here are very knowledgeable about tools that can be used to help deal with situations like yours. Validating feelings, avoiding JADEing, can all help a lot. Stress can be a major trigger and can make BPD a lot worse, as I discovered with my own uBPDh. And a new baby (while wonderful) is one of the biggest stressors out there.

The thing is, you can't change his behavior. He has to do that or want to do it himself. You can only really change your behaviors and how you react to him, but there are things you can do to try to help things from getting worse.

Do you have a specific example of an incident? That might help a bit more with getting a feel for your situation.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Abc99,

Welcome to the family! 

I'm glad you found us.

You're getting excellent input from Ozzie101 here.

Do tell us more about your situation. As Ozzie101 has said, if you can give us an example or two of an incident, the back-and-forth of it, that will help us to point you in the right direction.

[Abc99]

Thank you for the welcomes. I've been reading Randi Kreger and she directed me here.

I didn't realise that my partner had BPD until recently. He doesn't think he has it (only today mentioned that he thought his dad had it - step in the right direction) and I've not told him I believe he has it.  His behaviour since having our baby had been appalling and scary. I don't know how to approach it at all so any advice would be appreciated. Not sure what vJADEing is?

Some examples:
1) our little one was unwell recently with gastro and he got so stressed by her crying he got very angry. He was a 8 on the scale of angry. He shouted at me to leave him alone but I refused as I was worried about my baby. He said he would kill me and hit me. I just stayed in the room whilst he held her and eventually he hit my arm and then went for my throat when we had to change her due to diaorrhea.  He only gave her to me when he became even more angry and he took himself out of the situation
2) he will argue about anything and everything. He tells me not to do something and I say no... .He says you're being very negative and gets annoyed with me.
3) all day he tells me he is going surfing and that I can join at beach with baby. Baby naps and I say I think we will join you... .He gets angry and says... .You always need to have it your way. - he gets angrier and then baby starts crying and then he accuses me of damaging the baby - I've ruined his day and he refuses to go out. Obviously he thinks I'm trying to run his time surfing but there was nothing I could do to calm him down after I said I think we will join.

To be honest I'm not sure what I can do anymore. I've given up saying much, I don't assert my limits or boundaries as when I do he just tells me to be quiet.

Thank you for any thoughts

[Abc99]

Thank you for the welcomes. I've been reading Randi Kreger and she directed me here.

I didn't realise that my partner had BPD until recently. He doesn't think he has it (only today mentioned that he thought his dad had it - step in the right direction) and I've not told him I believe he has it.  His behaviour since having our baby had been appalling and scary. I don't know how to approach it at all so any advice would be appreciated. Not sure what vJADEing is?

Some examples:
1) our little one was unwell recently with gastro and he got so stressed by her crying he got very angry. He was a 8 on the scale of angry. He shouted at me to leave him alone but I refused as I was worried about my baby. He said he would kill me and hit me. I just stayed in the room whilst he held her and eventually he hit my arm and then went for my throat when we had to change her due to diaorrhea.  He only gave her to me when he became even more angry and he took himself out of the situation
2) he will argue about anything and everything. He tells me not to do something and I say no (agreeing with him)... .He says you're being very negative and gets annoyed with me.
3) all day he tells me he is going surfing and that I can join at beach with baby. Baby naps and I say I think we will join you... .He gets angry and says... .You always need to have it your way. - he gets angrier and then baby starts crying and then he accuses me of damaging the baby - I've ruined his day and he refuses to go out. Obviously he thinks I'm trying to run his time surfing but there was nothing I could do to calm him down after I said I think we will join.

To be honest I'm not sure what I can do anymore. I've given up saying much, I don't assert my limits or boundaries as when I do he just tells me to be quiet.

Thank you for any thoughts

[Abc99]

Please can someone give me feedback? Id really appreciate it. Thank you

[Bnonymous]

Hi Abc99,

Not sure what JADEing is?

JADE stands for "justify, argue, defend, explain". It's how most of us react when we feel under attack or subjected to false accusations, but it tends to inflame conflict as it feels invalidating to the other person and tends to trap us in unproductive and circular arguments where the underlying feelings are missed. There's some information about JADEing here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.msg12653342

Some examples:
1) our little one was unwell recently with gastro and he got so stressed by her crying he got very angry. He was a 8 on the scale of angry. He shouted at me to leave him alone but I refused as I was worried about my baby. He said he would kill me and hit me. I just stayed in the room whilst he held her and eventually he hit my arm and then went for my throat when we had to change her due to diaorrhea.  He only gave her to me when he became even more angry and he took himself out of the situation

This is concerning, Abc99. Have you spoken to any domestic violence helplines and arranged a safety plan? I think that's something you should consider.

The tools will only take you so far in a DV situation. Nevertheless, tips to defuse such situations can be useful while you figure out where to go from here.

If he asks to be left alone, you obviously want to do that but take the baby with you. Did you try saying something like "You sound stressed. I will take the baby away for a bit to give you a break"?

That he eventually recognised his anger and removed himself from the situation is good - the quicker and more reliably he can do that, the better for everyone. When he is calmer and more receptive, I'd try using positive reinforcement there. I'd talk about how much stress a baby can put on people and how important it is for parents to recognise when their stress levels are getting dangerously high and to take breaks when that happens. I'd say it's really difficult to do this and lots of people don't manage it, but he did and that's great and you really respect him for having shown awareness of his feelings and taken appropriate action to reduce his stress levels by walking away.

I do think you should consider contacting a DV helpline, Abc99. Do you have supportive friends and/or family you can confide in about what is happening?

Also maybe check out this thread on domestic violence:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

[Abc99]

Thanks for the explanation on jade. Makes sense as it always makes things worse.

Yes I think you're right. I will contact DV helpline and get a safety plan sorted. I've been considering doing this but I've been away with him and baby for a few weeks making it impossIble.

Thank you for your advice

[Ozzie101]

I, too, am concerned with what you described. I'm glad you're going to call and talk to a DV counselor. The man you're dealing with is violent and sounds dangerous. The tools may be able to help you diffuse a situation (keeping it from getting out of control), but ultimately, you're going to need more than that. A counselor can help.

My DV counselor recommended I choose one friend or family member to fully confide in: Someone I trusted, who would believe me. But also someone who would not be judgmental, would not urge me to leave or try to pressure me, but would just listen to me. For me, that person is my mom (well, and my dad, so I kind of have two). It's helpful and wise to have someone in your life who is in the know so that if you need help, you know you have someone to call or text or go to.  

[Abc99]

Thank you again for your thoughts. I will get in touch with a DV organisation for advice and my family and friends are being supportive which is also very handy at this time.

Can I ask another question please?

How would you approach projection whilst being around a little one? For example last night little one sat down for dinner and she was hungry and started shoveling food in her mouth. My partner felt guilty and said we're awful parents we should have given her a snack earlier. I tried to explain that she had nursed two hours ago, so she had been fed, but this just got him angry and he told me to shut my mouth. Do I just agree to everything he says in front of our little girl to protect her from his guilt and Shane when it arises? I really don't like her hearing "we should have" "we must do this" "she needs to learn" as I think it's detrimental for children but I guess in the meantime I need to just agree to keep him calm?

Thank you so much for your support!

[2020]

Hello Abc99,
I too have been subject to violence which is what initially brought me here. I am new to this disorder myself so I really hope others more experienced will add to this for you. I think what you might want to read up on is Validation:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

I have found it REALLY tricky to get my head around. People with BPD can can say the strangest things to us. It is hard to agree with a lot of it. There is more to Validation that simply agreeing. We need to NOT validate the Invalid.

Have a look at the link and see what you think. And sorry you are experiencing this right now. It is tough, I know. There are good people here who can help guide you. Keep reading and asking questions.

[2020]

For example last night little one sat down for dinner and she was hungry and started shoveling food in her mouth. My partner felt guilty and said we're awful parents we should have given her a snack earlier.

I'd be tempted to say something like, "Yes, she really does seem hungry, doesn't she?" Other's may have better advice. We are all learning here!

[Abc99]

Thank you. Both very useful suggestions. I'm very new to trying to under what is going on and trying to change my behaviour to help manage the situation.

It's extremely tough as they definitely do say the strangest things. We just had a nice walk out and a nice couple of hours and w return for me to nurse baby to bed and he made a cruel and angry remark about my breasts - a memory from the past he said- but totally out of the blue for no reason and really not appropriate to say in front of our little one. Lots of swearing today in front of her when he was getting angry and trying to explain a situation to me.

[Bnonymous]

I'd be tempted to say something like, "Yes, she really does seem hungry, doesn't she?"

Absolutely spot on advice, 2020! The key is to find the needle of truth in the haystack of accusations, and your suggestion does this perfectly.

We just had a nice walk out and a nice couple of hours and w return for me to nurse baby to bed and he made a cruel and angry remark about my breasts - a memory from the past he said- but totally out of the blue for no reason and really not appropriate to say in front of our little one.

That must have felt hurtful, Abc99 - I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think he could be jealous of the time and nurturing the baby receives from you? In a healthy family unit, partners enjoy how the other nurtures the children, and the shared love for the children brings people closer. In relationships characterised by insecurity (as many BPD relationships are) the children can sometimes feel like rivals - "She doesn't love me or care about me anymore - she loves and cares about the baby instead" kind of thing. Terribly sad, destructive and damaging for all concerned, but not uncommon. What do you think?

Lots of swearing today in front of her when he was getting angry and trying to explain a situation to me.

What happened? Could you tell us more about this? The back and forth of it?