Will my BPD wife return after divorce?

[kfifd196]

Hi!

My wife and I will be married 1 year tomorrow and we have a 10 month old daughter.  We met almost 2 years ago and had a whirlwind relationship.  Everything was great during our dating phase, except for a few insecure moments, but I did notice a clingy nature to her and I was her Knight in Shining Armor!  She said that to everyone, esp on Facebook, until 2 months ago.  We were in bliss and at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, we were so complete and connected and in love!  Then, it went down hill, FAST!  There had been a few rage issues, etc over the past year, but I attributed it to possibly postpartum.  In January (2 months ago) she started acting odd and berating me, verbally abusing me and becoming very vile and nasty.  In February, she bit me and abandoned our daughter and is on an all out smear campaign against me!  She filed divorce papers, moved back to her parent's and now filed a restraining order against me.  Looking back, I see all of the signs of BPD, throughout our relationship, but never knew of the disease, until I recently went to a therapist.  Back in November, we had a great night of sex, no complaints and we cuddled and she said how in love she was... . Next morning, we held hands and kissed on the way to the Marriage Counselor and inside, she said she should have said I raped her the night before!  Total 180!  She had abandonment issues, lonely, mood swings, did $1000 damage to the house over trivial issues, has major trust and insecurity issues, blames me for our relationship being bad, etc... . all this after professing her love for me to me and the world!  Now, it's extreme hatred!  She actually said she wishes she never met me and I don't deserve her!  It's like someone flicked a switch and my head is now spinning!  She's even turned her family against me making me out to be the bad guy.  I am committed to my marriage, esp with my daughter involved... . Is there ANY way of reconciling?  Do BPD's tend to come back again after divorce?  I ask, because her family is in denial and the ONLY way I can get her help, is if she comes back to me and I can talk her into Marriage Counseling or Therapy, where they can get her evaluated, based on what WE BOTH tell them.  She's going to her own therapist for her childhood abandonment issues, but doesn't tell them what she does to me.  There's more, but I tried to keep it short... . Thank you!

[WalrusGumboot]

I am committed to my marriage, esp with my daughter involved... . Is there ANY way of reconciling?

I understand your commitment to marriage, especially when a child is involved. I stayed with my exBPDw for 23 years because of my belief in the sanctity of marriage and my vows. I am a man of my word and it was extremely difficult for me to break those marriage vows. Plus there was my two sons, and my thought was that they would be better off with two parents, even though one parent was mentally ill. How wrong I was! The oldest repeatedly tried running away starting when he was 13. My parents agreed to have him stay with them until he was done with high school. Then he went off right to college, so he had essentially no exposure to my ex since 13. The youngest stayed with us throughout. Now both are in their 20's and the oldest seems to be well adjusted while the youngest has severe social issues amongst other things.

Please think about this. Trying to keep your dysfunctional marriage together... is it for the sake of your child, who you think would be better off with you two together, or is it for you, who might not want to admit to yourself that your marriage failed?  Remember that you do not have the woman you married anymore. Most of us have stepped into our marriage not knowing what awaits us. You only have  a few years invested in this relationship with plenty of time to start over in a normal relationship. Don't be one of us who spends half your life trying to fix something that cannot be fixed and having major regrets.

WG

[ForeverDad]

Been there, done that, as have so many others.  The details differ but the core issues are the same, inconsistent behaviors, moods and perceptions, cycling and recycling.  One book's title summed it up well, written by someone who had recovered from BPS, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.  Rejection impulses combined with abandonment fears.

As much as you might wish otherwise, as much as you wish you could snatch victory out of the jaws of defeat, recovery is her choice, you can't do it for her.  Yes, if she gets on the path to recovery you can support her but if she remains in Denial and historical behaviors, then more or less you're left with Damage Control... . (1) protecting yourself and (2) protecting your child and her future.

Then, it went down hill, FAST!  There had been a few rage issues, etc over the past year, but I attributed it to possibly postpartum.  In January (2 months ago) she started acting odd and berating me, verbally abusing me and becoming very vile and nasty.  In February, she bit me and abandoned our daughter and is on an all out smear campaign against me!  She filed divorce papers, moved back to her parent's and now filed a restraining order against me.

She abandoned our daughter!  This stood out to me.  Do you mean she left without your child and you're caring for her?  If so, then this is a huge indicator of her behaviors.  I would have expected her to paint your daughter as the Golden Child and paint you blacker than black.  Of those who find our peer support site, relatively few describe the disordered mothers as walking away from their children.  (My ex and many others too see their children as virtually an extension of themselves.  I recall my custody evaluator's report actually wrote, the word I emphasize in bold, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can."

Did you document her biting with a police report?  To a doctor?  To family or friends?

Did she claim you were blocking her access to your daughter?  Did she file to include your daughter in the protection/restraint case?  If not, and she's leaving your daughter in your care, then (1) her restraining order makes little sense since she wants protection but has done nothing to protect the toddler and (2) if you are careful you may be able to end up with custody of your child.  I know, you do want the marriage to succeed, but if it does fail anyway, do you want to be on the outside looking in, as regards parenting?

Sadly, this may be a case of saving what you can out of a failing relationship.  To illustrate, the ship is sinking, time to get yourself and your child in a lifeboat, whether or not your spouse will join you.  Can you see that it may come down to this... . saving your daughter?  Remember, your wife is an adult, she has rights and choices, whether she chooses to exercise them for better or for worse.  But your daughter is a baby dependent on parenting by someone, if your wife can't even figure out how to be a reasonably normal wife, how can you believe she would be a reasonably normal when parenting a child?  Therefore, you need to be as involved a parent as you can be.

I am committed to my marriage, esp with my daughter involved... . Is there ANY way of reconciling?  Do BPD's tend to come back again after divorce?  I ask, because her family is in denial and the ONLY way I can get her help, is if she comes back to me and I can talk her into Marriage Counseling or Therapy, where they can get her evaluated, based on what WE BOTH tell them.  She's going to her own therapist for her childhood abandonment issues, but doesn't tell them what she does to me.

While MC or therapy is a wonderful goal, you are facing a restraining order.  At the moment these are mutually exclusive scenarios.  How is that RO case proceeding?  Beware of making plea deals or settlements where you admit to being abusive, neglectful or whatever.  If you do, it may hurt your chances to be deeply involved with parenting. I think you posted here to this Family Law board in order to deal with the RO case, right?  So where are you in that case?  Have you responded yet?  Are you being blocked from your child in any way?  Is she trying to block your parenting?

[kfifd196]

My wife abandoned our daughter the night she bit me and left her screaming.  My wife returned 30 minutes later and I'd gotten our daughter back to sleep.  She moved out the next day and took our daughter with her.  My lawyer is calling her lawyer, to get her to agree to drop the TRO and make it a civil order, where I agree not to discuss reconciling, in exchange for equal visitation.  I'm hoping for an answer by tomorrow.  The TRO and divorce are being driven by her father, who is a cop.  My wife had texted me that awhile back.  I never filed charges against her for the bite, because I didn't want her to have a record.  I'm a nice guy and nice guys get screwed.   I don't know if we'll ever get to discuss the marriage again.  I feel it's completely reconcilable, especially, since she left and I've had a lot of time to review where we went wrong and right with things.  Her insecurities and trust issues weighed HEAVILY on our life and led to a lot of stress and arguments.  I didn't know how to deal with it and didn't even know about BPD, until she moved out and then I started finding books and paperwork she left behind about being controlling and having difficulty maintaining relationships and old emails and texts, that showed how often her issues were prevalent.  I never realized how often it was until now.  Had I known, I wouldn't have reacted nasty after her repeated attacks.  I would've been more understanding and taken a step back... Unfortunately, I've learned this too late, but can't tell her.  She has EVERY sign and symptom of BPD, but hasn't been diagnosed, because she never tells the therapists, only blames me for everything.  The only bad things I've done in our relationship, was had some porn, in the beginning and reacted nasty or spitefully at times, after repeated attacks from her.  I'm not making an excuse for it, but I would've reacted better, had I realized how bad her issues were.  It stinks   I had reached out to her parents and friends for help, to see if we could get her help, but they are in denial and threw me under the bus.  I want to reconcile somehow, but my hands are tied.  It hurts like hell, knowing we could've saved this.  She's just beyond hurt and hates me more than anything, while a month ago, I was a GOD!  As of now, I haven't seen my daughter in a week and won't until the hearing April 14th or if she agrees to the terms my lawyer is asking for.  I miss them both so much and am hurting that she hates me so bad.  We had a fairytale life  otherwise.  I feel like I messed it up, as she claims, but she doesn't realize the amount of pressure she put on me from the insecurities.  She would call me at work to come home, cause she was lonely or sad, keep me on the phone for hours at work and get mad when I had to hang up, feeling like I didn't care about her... . Felt like major guilt trips.  What can I do to try to reconcile at some point?

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, literally ANYTHING could be a trigger to her, so don't guilt yourself overmuch.  If not one thing then it would be another.  Think back, you'll see that no matter what you did or said to avoid conflict she always found some excuse to create a scene.

Henceforth you'll have to be the model of civility and innocence.  Now that you recognize her methods and tactics, don't let her anger you any more, don't let her get you to react.  She's probably very skilled in manipulation and setting traps to make you look bad.  Be aware and beware.   You have to look like Mr Little Old Me to the court, not as Mr Evil Personified.

Maybe she'll back down, maybe she'll even get into therapy IF she can get past her Denial and Blame-Shifting.  Maybe but you can't count on that.  Now that it's gone to court, she's raised the relationship conflict to a higher level and the odds are against undoing that and having a happy outcome.  Sorry.  The fact is that at least for now (1) your own future and (2) your child's future are the #1 priority, sadly she has to be way down the list.

Save those papers as documentation.  Make copies and keep them all in a safe place she can never access so you always will have that documentation available if needed.  If the case doesn't get dismissed, your lawyer might be able to use it.  Or if you divorce it might be helpful for a custody evaluator to see, in her own words, how disturbed she is.

This is an indication too that she may have made allegations against prior husbands or boyfriends.  Probably it would be smart to look for similar claims filed with police or in courts local and nearby.  If you can document a history of legal complaints with her prior relationships then it would weaken her current claims.  Don't hold back information that would prove you're not the one acting badly.  Repeat, as messed up as she is you can't afford to feel sorry for her.  Sorry, but filing for a TRO is Big Guns.  As the saying goes, you can't bring a metaphorical butter knife to a gun fight.  You must defend yourself, for yourself and your future, for your child and her future.

[reluctanthusband]

  The only bad things I've done in our relationship, was had some porn, in the beginning and reacted nasty or spitefully at times, after repeated attacks from her. 

Sounds just like my situation, except all of the jelousy and crazy making was blamed on me for not loveing her and adding to her insecurities.  Then 9 years later I find out it was BPD along with an affair that had made her believe that way.  Some times I wish I had cheated on her as I had multiple chances to do.  But of course I am a knight in shining armor that has honnor and would not do such a thing.  Not even after 9+years of abuse had it even crossed my mind to do such a terrible act.  But you know how it goes no good deed goes unpunnished.

[PinkieV]

My DH adopted my SS18 when he was one.  In the past seven months, SS escaped not only his uBPD mom, but his uNPD bio dad.  He is a survivor, an amazing kid who kept reaching for the brass ring.  He is living with his aunt and uncle now (he's two states away and a senior in high school), and when his uncle picked him up to move, he said "I feel like I'm in the happy ending of a movie".

I don't know how he survived, but he did. Not every kid does.  So please don't stop fighting for your daughter. 

[kfifd196]

This is an indication too that she may have made allegations against prior husbands or boyfriends.  Probably it would be smart to look for similar claims filed with police or in courts local and nearby.  our child and her future.

How do I go about getting that information?  Can I just call the police stations?  I know she had a RO against a former BF, where she grew up, but her dad is a cop there, so I can't call there... .

[ForeverDad]

Likely you cannot ask since the TRO complicates things.  Ask your lawyer, likely L knows staff or investigators who will dig around.  If you know there was one incident, there may very well be more.  Professionals do have ways - and the confidence and experience - to ferret out the records.  Some data such as SSNs may be redacted but the records ought to be public record or in some way accessible.  Any documentation like that showing she is quick to make allegations may make your defense much more credible.