feeling down - maybe a vent here will help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm just down lately.  SO had her wisdom teeth out on Friday, is now complaining about pain.  And I am worried about her taking pain killers activating her addiction issues. She seems to be in one of those "paint the whole world black" moods.  Uggh.  She seems to be purging her friends, wanting to quit facebook, and in general a cranky mood.  And given her pain, I think I am putting up with more than the usual because it feels like the wrong time to work on boundaries.  I think re-evaluating friendships and facebook is positive, but not for the reasons she is.  She's not really evaluating, she's just painting those black whom aren't meeting her nearly impossible needs. 

She's also mad at the roommate.  Mad that the roommate has eaten some of our food and had not paid us for it.  Mad that the roommate had not paid rent yet.  Mad that the roommate will not be joining us for thanksgiving.  She keeps asking me if she should "say something to her."  In other words, she wants to tell the roommate how she feels disrespected and hurt.  What's really going on?  She's envious of the roommate for being happy and having her own life, meanwhile she is miserable and wants someone to keep her company.  I've told her that I will talk to the roommate regarding rent and food money.  And I did, and it was resolved.  Yet she could not hold herself back from telling the roommate her other concerns, and apparently she made the roommate cry.  What a mess.

She also was upset at my mom for not wanting to commit to our thanksgiving invitation until my mom heard from my sister.  I was upset, too.  But she wanted to call my mom and let her know she was mad.  I told her to let me handle it, and I did.  That was a week ago, and this morning she brought it up AGAIN.  I told her it was okay to be upset, but at this point it is time to move past it.  I will see if she does.  I hope she does.

[maxsterling]

I'm just down lately.  SO had her wisdom teeth out on Friday, is now complaining about pain.  And I am worried about her taking pain killers activating her addiction issues. She seems to be in one of those "paint the whole world black" moods.  Uggh.  She seems to be purging her friends, wanting to quit facebook, and in general a cranky mood.  And given her pain, I think I am putting up with more than the usual because it feels like the wrong time to work on boundaries.  I think re-evaluating friendships and facebook is positive, but not for the reasons she is.  She's not really evaluating, she's just painting those black whom aren't meeting her nearly impossible needs. 

She's also mad at the roommate.  Mad that the roommate has eaten some of our food and had not paid us for it.  Mad that the roommate had not paid rent yet.  Mad that the roommate will not be joining us for thanksgiving.  She keeps asking me if she should "say something to her."  In other words, she wants to tell the roommate how she feels disrespected and hurt.  What's really going on?  She's envious of the roommate for being happy and having her own life, meanwhile she is miserable and wants someone to keep her company.  I've told her that I will talk to the roommate regarding rent and food money.  And I did, and it was resolved.  Yet she could not hold herself back from telling the roommate her other concerns, and apparently she made the roommate cry.  What a mess.

She also was upset at my mom for not wanting to commit to our thanksgiving invitation until my mom heard from my sister.  I was upset, too.  But she wanted to call my mom and let her know she was mad.  I told her to let me handle it, and I did.  That was a week ago, and this morning she brought it up AGAIN.  I told her it was okay to be upset, but at this point it is time to move past it.  I will see if she does.  I hope she does.

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[Grey Kitty]

And given her pain, I think I am putting up with more than the usual because it feels like the wrong time to work on boundaries.

Really?

Boundaries are about protecting yourself.

They have nothing to do with her, or her mental/emotional state.

I'd say it might be an excellent time for you to have good boundaries!

It does seem like a good time to work on some validation.  She *IS* in a really tough situation, and only half of her own making.

Hang in there!

[waverider]

Boundaries are tested at times of stress and high drama such as this

[Cloudy Days]

The type of pain killers they give you for having your wisdom teeth taken out make my husband go pretty nutty. My husband had 5 teeth pulled and a couple weeks worth of pain killers because they had a hard time getting one of his teeth out. He was suicidal and almost manic for several weeks.

Throw in the extra pressure of the Holidays and I bet you are dealing with a lot. Hang in there!

[maxsterling]

Well, yesterday before I came home from work she got into a huge argument with one of her best friends.  I've seen this brewing for awhile, with her telling me the past few weeks how this best friend isn't a very good friend.  I guess she finally had it, and one little thing happened and that set off the firestorm.  It ended with very hurtful things being said, and my SO deciding to delete this friend's number and call it over for good.  I wish my SO could figure out how to end it before the hurtful things get said.  She feels some remorse over it, and is basically emotionally burnt out right now, but she is also justifying her actions.

[maxsterling]

"A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation."

The longer I have been with her, the more I understand it's not just me.  And it's not just dating partners.  Right before she met me she had a huge blow up with a friend of hers.  She claimed the friend was taking advantage of her and crossed her boundaries.  Fair enough.  But somehow it turned out to be a HUGE deal, with hurtful things being said.  Ouch.  And a few years prior to that, the same thing with a best friend of 10 years.  I guess that is what is meant by "pervasive".  Best friend one day, enemy the next. 

The good thing is she seems to be self-aware of this issue.  She asked me last night why she has such a hard time with friendships.  I told her that maybe it is because she cares to much, and therefore has a hard time letting things go.  She replied, "so you mean I am co-dependent?"  I said, "yeah, that is one word that is used for it... ."  I've mentioned before that I don't like that word.  What I was trying to get at is that she doesn't have proper boundaries with friends, gets too enmeshed with them, and she needs to accept her friends for who they are - let their business be their business, and not have expectations of them.  She actually seemed to listen to me... .

[Cat Familiar]

Max,

You're dealing with a lot of issues, not to mention holiday stress! Plus drugs--pharmaceuticals make my BPDh even more of a handful! I've been tempted to call his doctor and ask that his prescription for painkillers (for back issues) be restricted because he likes to combine them with alcohol. Haven't pulled the trigger because lately he's been more responsible.

But I really get it--the drugs make it really hard to access the reasonable person that is hiding inside there somewhere.

 

[maxsterling]

Max,

You're dealing with a lot of issues, not to mention holiday stress! Plus drugs--pharmaceuticals make my BPDh even more of a handful! I've been tempted to call his doctor and ask that his prescription for painkillers (for back issues) be restricted because he likes to combine them with alcohol. Haven't pulled the trigger because lately he's been more responsible.

But I really get it--the drugs make it really hard to access the reasonable person that is hiding inside there somewhere.

 

The thing with her and drugs - she is a recovering heroin addict and sober 12 years.  I am sure just the pain killers bring about a trigger for her psychologically, taking her back to an ugly time in her life.  Plus, I am sure the heroin/drug abuse likely did permanent damage to her brain and other bodily functions that she may feel tremendous shame about.  Taking the pain killers is probably a reminder of that, and I think she has a hard time with it. 

[waverider]

"A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation."

The longer I have been with her, the more I understand it's not just me.  And it's not just dating partners.  Right before she met me she had a huge blow up with a friend of hers.  She claimed the friend was taking advantage of her and crossed her boundaries.  Fair enough.  But somehow it turned out to be a HUGE deal, with hurtful things being said.  Ouch.  And a few years prior to that, the same thing with a best friend of 10 years.  I guess that is what is meant by "pervasive".  Best friend one day, enemy the next. 

The good thing is she seems to be self-aware of this issue.  She asked me last night why she has such a hard time with friendships.  I told her that maybe it is because she cares to much, and therefore has a hard time letting things go.  She replied, "so you mean I am co-dependent?"  I said, "yeah, that is one word that is used for it... ."  I've mentioned before that I don't like that word.  What I was trying to get at is that she doesn't have proper boundaries with friends, gets too enmeshed with them, and she needs to accept her friends for who they are - let their business be their business, and not have expectations of them.  She actually seemed to listen to me... .

pwBPD do not really understand or read other people accurately. They project their own needs onto to others so that they appear to meet that fantasy role. They twist and misinterpret everything to vaildate that role. Eventually even they can see that is not who the person really is, so they rewrite everything to justify they were not wrong, rather that the other person has changed or 'turned" on them. This validates the intense anger and venting that results.

The more time you spend with a pwBPD the sooner you are exposed for not meeting the imaginary role they have set you. Hence partners and immediate family are at the top of that risk list, followed by close friends, work colleagues.

[maxsterling]

pwBPD do not really understand or read other people accurately. They project their own needs onto to others so that they appear to meet that fantasy role. They twist and misinterpret everything to vaildate that role. Eventually even they can see that is not who the person really is, so they rewrite everything to justify they were not wrong, rather that the other person has changed or 'turned" on them. This validates the intense anger and venting that results.

That's basically what I have witnessed.  I'm a scientist, so in my world we call it a "hypothesis driven conclusion" - forming a hypothesis and twisting the results to prove the hypothesis.  Or in layman's terms the "self fulfilling prophesy".  BPD hypothesis:  "None of my friends truly understand me or care about me and I know I will eventually be rejected or abandoned."  And then they go about their life with this in the back of their mind until they find that evidence to prove their hypothesis.  And when they find it, they feel validated and all hell breaks loose.  The real tough thing is, their "evidence" may be tenuous, such as failing to smile or not returning a phone call.  That's what happened here.  She was already convinced her friends weren't good friends, and had been searching for awhile for evidence of that reality.  When she became testy with the friend and the friend reacted, she felt validated and exploded.

Let that be a lesson as to why not to JADE.  The pwBPD is looking for a reason to prove his/her reality.  When we JADE, we give them that reason, and all hell erupts.  She was in a grouchy mood, her friend saw that directed towards her, reacted, and then faced the 100x over-reaction.

[waverider]

Let that be a lesson as to why not to JADE.  The pwBPD is looking for a reason to prove his/her reality.  When we JADE, we give them that reason, and all hell erupts.  She was in a grouchy mood, her friend saw that directed towards her, reacted, and then faced the 100x over-reaction.

Correct JADE simply exposes a greater surface area for them to search for that crack that must be there somewhere to prove the whole is busted.