Custody battle on the horizon

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm just now remembering that by the rules we were going by at custody exchanges, passing adult items like legal papers or possessions at the time of the exchange was expressly forbidden.  The children are not supposed to see the mechanics of this stuff, since it can be upsetting.  I know with the distance and the fact that S5 has to be cared for that makes things awkward, but it is something to think about.  Even if you do exchange things, the fact that in some areas it's forbidden may be an indication of how important it is to make that exchange of material appear nearly invisible to the child.  Talking ahead of time about where the material will go, trunks being clear, her distracting him while you load, that sort of thing.

I am just now starting ":)on't Alienate the Kids" as well.  livednlearned, I'm glad to hear it was helpful.  I'm very concerned about our kids relationships with me, realize that my wife may not get better, and the only thing I can control is my own actions.  There's a lot of room for positive parenting to offset some of the limitations of the other partner.  It's a ton of work, but worth it.

WW

[Radcliff]

I'm just now remembering that by the rules we were going by at custody exchanges, passing adult items like legal papers or possessions at the time of the exchange was expressly forbidden.  The children are not supposed to see the mechanics of this stuff, since it can be upsetting.  I know with the distance and the fact that S5 has to be cared for that makes things awkward, but it is something to think about.  Even if you do exchange things, the fact that in some areas it's forbidden may be an indication of how important it is to make that exchange of material appear nearly invisible to the child.  Talking ahead of time about where the material will go, trunks being clear, her distracting him while you load, that sort of thing.

I am just now starting ":)on't Alienate the Kids" as well.  livednlearned, I'm glad to hear it was helpful.  I'm very concerned about our kids relationships with me, realize that my wife may not get better, and the only thing I can control is my own actions.  There's a lot of room for positive parenting to offset some of the limitations of the other partner.  It's a ton of work, but worth it.

WW

[formflier]

Yeah... .now that I think about it... .I would think good advice going forward is the ONLY thing that you guys will exchange is your son... .if your son is around.

If you son is not around, then papers, lizards and all that.


Much of a relationship/divorce from a pwBPD is trial by fire.  You job is to only step on the landmine once.  It's unlikely that she intended for the lizard thing to be a big deal or trigger you... .but for whatever reason it turned out that way.

So... .now you know that you guys don't jointly possess the skills to swap other stuff in the presence of your kid... .you've learned your lesson... move along.

If you choose to use this as a limit/boundary... .expect her to test it.  Likely best to reference this lizard incident... .apologize for your part in it... .and assure her that going forward your focus is on a smooth exchange of the child.

Thoughts?

FF

[Radcliff]

smooth exchange of the child.

I am remembering yet more.  Three months after the RO, we had our first custody evaluation to determine if orders would be adjusted.  The custody evaluator specifically asked how custody exchanges had gone, and one story about a rough exchange came out during an interview and went into the record.  This is an area where evaluators focus.  prof, not to worry you overly much, I think you're OK, just adding emphasis to the fact that effort for smooth exchanges is worth your while.

WW

[formflier]

not to worry you overly much, I think you're OK, just adding emphasis to the fact that effort for smooth exchanges is worth your while.

I would add that you are OK as long as YOU can lay out a story of.

1.  We had a booboo in this one exchange because we tried to do other things "in addition to" exchanging the child.

2.  I learned from that and set limits that the "only thing" we would do when a child is present is exchange the child.

No need to place "blame" on anyone for the first one... .but I think that "taking responsibility" going forward for smoothness is more important.

If it ever gets to the point where an evaluator is hearing from you that you have strong limits because... .xyz.  And your wife is complaining that you are an a$$hole because you won't bring her another lizard during a child exchange...

Well... I think that will be telling and good for you.

FF

[prof]

Due to the distance (4 hours for me, 3 for her to the halfway point), it would be logistically very difficult to do any exchanging of possessions without S5 being there.

uBPDstbxw just got her own place.  I'm planning on UHauling her stuff (and our dog and the two remaining reptiles) to her in two weeks.  I'll also be leaving S5 with her for a week.  So there shouldn't be any more handing off of possessions after that.


Just had an interesting exchange with uBPDstbxw during her nightly video chat with S5.  She's been sick recently and asked if I could send her any old antibiotics she still had in her medicine cabinet.  I checked their website, and it's illegal to mail prescription drugs unless you're registered with the DEA.  So of course I refused.  I tell her to go to to the doctor, and even find an urgent care place in her new town that's open for a couple hours after she's done with work on Monday.  But she refuses to go the doctor and calls me out for being lazy!   

[prof]

There is a good book called Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids When One Parent Has BPD by Bill Eddy. It was a game changer for me. Eddy makes you realize that you are modeling specific skills for your kid, and breaks them down for you.

These exchanges are not about you and your ex. They are about you and S5. Show him the skills he needs to internalize so he can grow up emotionally resilient.

Learning these skills for him will change not only his life, but yours.

Thanks for the recommendation!   I'll definitely check that book out.

[Radcliff]

prof,

Thanks for the update.  I'm glad to hear that your days as a lizard courier are almost over, and you still have a good name with the DEA 

WW

[livednlearned]

I tell her to go to to the doctor, and even find an urgent care place in her new town that's open for a couple hours after she's done with work on Monday.  But she refuses to go the doctor and calls me out for being lazy!   

 

Validating questions can be really helpful for you (and the person with BPD). Helpful doesn't always mean that it will feel good 

"That's rough you're feeling sick. I wish I could send the meds -- did you know it was illegal to send by mail? I wouldn't want you to get in trouble. Is there another way you can get the medication you need?"

As much as possible, whenever the opportunity arises, let her solve her own problems. It will model an important skill for S5, may give your ex a feeling you have confidence in her (after she gets mad at you and you won't be spending time care-taking her.

[prof]

It's been a little while since I've given an update.

I picked up S5 from his mom's new place this past weekend.  uBPDstbxw claimed car trouble would prevent her from meeting halfway.  (I will be asking for compensation for 1/2 my gas money.)  It was the easiest pickup yet -- she seemed exhausted and wasn't really in a mood to fight me over anything .

S5 has 3 more weeks of school, and then we're planning on him going down to be with his mom for the bulk of the summer.  She wants me to pay for daycare, which I've refused to do.  Today on the phone, she even claimed that at some point in the past, I told her that I would pay for daycare, which is ridiculous!  When she wouldn't let it go, I ended the conversation.  She tried calling back 10(!) times and then sent some nasty texts, which I forwarded to my L.

On the same phone call, I also offered for her to have S5 this weekend for Mother's Day, provided she repays me enough to cover my gas.  (I'm broke from renting a Uhaul to move her stuff down to her two weekends ago.)  We'll see what happens there.

At this point, we're just waiting to hear back from the court regarding a hearing date.  I'm looking forward to getting past all of this!

[livednlearned]

I'm looking forward to getting past all of this!

If she were low-conflict and in the normal range of emotional regulation, the court orders would work well.

But court orders don't create boundaries where there are none. They create some hard lines in a legal strategy in case she is on the high end of high conflict.

You can see this with the daycare conversation. She will probably continue to believe things she feels, even when you produce a document of fact.

It does help to produce a document. It won't solve everything.

It's just as helpful to know how and when to assert boundaries.

Do you see how driving to solve the car problem is rescuing her from figuring it out herself?

There are many ways to get things sorted out without protecting people from natural consequences.

People who have car problems deal with those problems out all the time. It's obviously easier to help her, but you two can barely interact without fighting. And you are not in a relationship any more.

"I will come get S5 but will not have money to drive him halfway for Mother's Day. I know you want to see him on Mother's Day, and I will have him ready. Is there a way you can get yourself down here that day? Let me know by day/time, otherwise I will assume he'll spend that time here. I know he's looking forward to seeing you (next time).

That's just one example. It lets you pick up S5. Another possibility is that you pick up S5 and then she figures out how to get all the way down to you to pick him up. He stays with you until she figures out how to get her car problem sorted out.

Getting yourself into a situation where she is supposed to pay you for something you offered to do is really messy and just keeps everyone aggravated.

Unfortunately, a court order does not solve the problem of us having messy boundaries.

[formflier]

  and then we're planning on him going down to be with his mom for the bulk of the summer.  

What is the thinking behind this, especially if he is going to be in daycare and not in her care.  Why send him down there?

FF

[formflier]

"I will come get S5 but will not have money to drive him halfway for Mother's Day. I know you want to see him on Mother's Day, and I will have him ready. Is there a way you can get yourself down here that day? Let me know by day/time, otherwise I will assume he'll spend that time here. I know he's looking forward to seeing you (next time).
 

In my opinion, this is much better than asking her for money.  Much better.

What are your thoughts on why this option is much better than asking for money.

FF

[david]

Meeting at the halfway point sounds like a good idea. Lnl makes a good point about sticking to the halfway point and sending an email giving consequences "otherwise I will assume he'll spend that time here."
 It sets a boundary which she may not appreciate and may attack. Don't take the bait and don't argue. You stated a fact of what you will do. It is simple. However, it may also be that she does not want to spend so much time driving and may start not taking the times she is legally entitled to. My ex gives me more time because it is too much effort on her part. I don't bring it up and simply accept the additional time. My ex sees no consequence to that so it makes it easy for her to do it. She can still be MOTY because no one is seeing it and I am not throwing it in her face. I know that sounds twisted but you have to deal with the cards you are being dealt.
It took me a while to really understand how different my ex thinks/views/feels things than I do.
My emails are short and focused. I do not entertain any of her allegations, etc.
An example, " What time will you be picking the boys up on (date) so I can have them ready? I discovered that these kinds of emails sometimes send her into a mild rage. Our boys told me that she starts screaming at the computer, cursing me out, and accusing me of trying to control her ? I don't think I will ever understand that.

[GaGrl]

I agree... .she will find it quite convenient for her her son to show up on her doorstep - how nice! Why should she put forth any effort that is inconvenient or that costs her monet?

Stick with a pattern that establishes a predominant freaking role on your part.

[Radcliff]

Are you prepared to have him down there for the bulk of every summer?  Is it a good environment for him to be in for that long of a time?  Will you have time with him to break up the summer, so you don't have a very long stretch without him?  It might be easier on him and on you, and it would let you check to see how he's doing.  Have you baked in a couple of weeks for you to take a vacation with him, even if this year you may not be able to?  You are setting a precedent for future years.

WW

[ForeverDad]

He's only 5 years old.  He won't care whether Mother's Day is on a particular weekend.  Maybe you could Let Go the Mother's Day date and just tell her she can celebrate it with him on his next visit?  (If you had an order then likely it would require that she get Mother's Day just as you would get Father's Day, regardless whose parenting time it was.

Evidently the issue is who does the driving.  Stick to the order, if you have one.  Meeting halfway may not make sense with risk of conflict and no-shows.  I think my county said each parent had to deliver the child to the exchange locations at exchange times.  My county allowed up to 30 minutes for an exchange window.  Understand that if she fails to "deliver" when required, then that is basis to get a police incident recorded so you can use such instances in Contempt of Court proceedings for failed exchanges.

Look ahead to the summer.  Granting her most of the summer could get wrapped into a temp order and later the final decree.  Is that okay with you?  At the least put in writing that you expect to take some vacations with S5.  As an example, my county defaults to each parent getting up to 3 one week vacations (with up to two of the weeks combined) per year on a first request basis.

[prof]

Do you see how driving to solve the car problem is rescuing her from figuring it out herself?

There are many ways to get things sorted out without protecting people from natural consequences.

People who have car problems deal with those problems out all the time. It's obviously easier to help her, but you two can barely interact without fighting. And you are not in a relationship any more.

"I will come get S5 but will not have money to drive him halfway for Mother's Day. I know you want to see him on Mother's Day, and I will have him ready. Is there a way you can get yourself down here that day? Let me know by day/time, otherwise I will assume he'll spend that time here. I know he's looking forward to seeing you (next time).

That's just one example. It lets you pick up S5. Another possibility is that you pick up S5 and then she figures out how to get all the way down to you to pick him up. He stays with you until she figures out how to get her car problem sorted out.

Getting yourself into a situation where she is supposed to pay you for something you offered to do is really messy and just keeps everyone aggravated.

Great points.  I just got off the phone with uBPDstbxw and reminded her of my offer to meet halfway for a weekend visit, provided that she repaid me enough to cover my gas.  She pivoted it into an argument that she doesn't owe me anything for the Uhaul rental.  (I honestly would be surprised if I see a dime of it.)  She also apparently still has the car issue that prevented her from meeting halfway last weekend.  So it looks like S5 will be spending Mother's Day with me.

What is the thinking behind this, especially if he is going to be in daycare and not in her care.  Why send him down there?

Are you prepared to have him down there for the bulk of every summer?  Is it a good environment for him to be in for that long of a time?  Will you have time with him to break up the summer, so you don't have a very long stretch without him?  It might be easier on him and on you, and it would let you check to see how he's doing.  Have you baked in a couple of weeks for you to take a vacation with him, even if this year you may not be able to?  You are setting a precedent for future years.

Look ahead to the summer.  Granting her most of the summer could get wrapped into a temp order and later the final decree.  Is that okay with you?  At the least put in writing that you expect to take some vacations with S5.  As an example, my county defaults to each parent getting up to 3 one week vacations (with up to two of the weeks combined) per year on a first request basis.

Excellent points!  Sending him down there for the summer I think was an early concession I made to her.  I don't really understand how it's supposed to work on her end.  She brings him to work with her when he's down there now, but her boss has told her that won't be allowed this summer.  And I doubt she'll be able to afford daycare at this point.  I'm certainly not going to give in and pay for it.

I'm worried now about Wentworth and ForeverDad's points about setting a precedent for the courts.  I'll talk to my L about it and see what his thoughts are.


uBPDstbxw seems obsessed with finding out why I'm "doing this to her".  I feel that it's quite evident that our marriage wasn't working out, and don't see any need to give her some grand explanation.  And when I do mention how bad our marriage had gotten, she blames everything under the sun except her behavior.  My behavior, her health, her pain medication, various deaths of friends and family, where we lived, etc.  Today, she even defended the times she had threatened to leave as somehow steps towards saving our marriage!

I'm not really sure what to do here.  My gut is just to ignore it, and let her deal with the loss of the relationship on her own.

[Radcliff]

I'm not really sure what to do here.  My gut is just to ignore it, and let her deal with the loss of the relationship on her own.

Yes.  Exactly.  You can't carry her load for her.

Regarding the summer, you seem to have some misgivings about your son's care arrangement.  Perhaps she'd care for him and lose her job.  Perhaps she'd work and leave him in substandard care.  You are inclined to try to be as fair as possible, and are still subject to guilt, and genuinely want to maintain the mother-child bond.  But your higher duty is to your son and his well being.  Even to the point of altering his summer plans.  Remind us, this is all ad hoc, not on any court orders, correct?  You and she are just talking directly?  Are you headed for a custody evaluation process at some point?

If I were you, I would not yield your son until she has articulated a credible care plan.  You can have your lawyer ask her lawyer for this.  I would get it in writing in a letter from her lawyer.  All of this may seem hard-nosed, but as long as your actions are not emotional and are mindfully in service of your son, you are not being selfish, controlling, or any other adjectives she or you may put upon you.

If she cannot give a credible care plan, then consider constructive alternatives, like she takes a week off work in June and a week off in July for two week long visits.

It can be exhausting and often ineffective to communicate with a pwBPD directly in situations like this.  Sometimes it makes sense, but oftentimes, increasing the involvement of professionals like lawyers and counselors to help with the communication is a good thing.  Busy professionals often have a way of slicing through a lot of the behaviors that throw you for a loop (although they also can get co-opted by the pwBPD as Eddy warns in "Splitting."

WW

[david]

We had a court order years ago that did not include Mothers and Fathers day. Our boys herewith me on Mothers day weekend and ex asked if she could have the boys on Mothers day. I looked at the calendar and Fathers day was on her weekend so I agreed provided she agreed to let me have our boys on Fathers day the same way we agreed to Mothers day. Sounds simple enough. She agreed. I picked the boys up at the agreed upon time on Fathers day. We went to see Kung Fu Panda at the movies. I shut my phone off. After the movie we drove back to my place. Along the way I turned my phone back on. I had several voicemails from ex saying she was waiting for me at my place. The messages got angrier and angrier. When we arrived she was still in the driveway. I got out of the car and tried talking to her. That was an effort in futility since she was already triggered and couldn't hear anything. I got back in the car and drove away. I circled around figuring she would leave but that didn't happen so I drove to the police station. I explained what was going on and asked the officer to call her. I had a copy of the email agreement which clearly stated the boys would be spending the night with me and I would be taking them to school the next day. The officer called and he got an earful. I knew because he pulled the phone away from his ear and held it at least 8 inches away. Finally the officer came back to me. He explained that this was a civil matter and since both boys appeared fine I would have to straighten things out with my ex or through our attorneys. He asked me if all my ducks were in a row. I said yes. He asked again. He told me to go home. I told him I would but would return if she was still in the driveway. As I pulled out of the lot I noticed ex was pulling into the lot. I went home, put the boys in bed, took them to school the next day.
A few days later ex sent me an email attacking me for my actions. I explained that I was following our email agreement and told her the date of the agreement so she could find it. She later replied that she didn't know why she agreed to such a thing.
There is no reasoning with unreasonable.
Document everything you can. Trust me you will get many unreasonable things to deal with along the way. Eventually I learned to accept it and not let it get to me. That takes time but it does happen. I still get emails attacking me but they are rare. Our youngest is 14 now so I still have time to go. This all started in 2007.

[ForeverDad]

How far apart do you two live?  How many hours between homes?

I ask because there are times with far-apart parents when the court has to rule on which parent will be the Primary Parent.  The distance makes frequent exchanges impractical even under the best of circumstances.  I think there are 3 scenarios if frequent exchanges aren't practical... .

• One of you moves closer to the other parent.
• She becomes the Primary Parent and gets child support to aid her in paying for child expenses such as food, child care, etc.  There is a risk she would quit working so she could claim to be a caring mother, since she seems unable to work and parent at the same time for very long.  This would limit you to fewer visits, perhaps the major holidays and longer school breaks such as Winter Break, Spring Break and Summer Break (minus a few weeks for her to have vacations).
• You become the Primary Parent.  You might not get much child support if her income is low.  This would limit her to fewer visits, perhaps the major holidays and longer school breaks such as Winter Break, Spring Break and Summer Break (minus a few weeks for you to have vacations).  Of course her actually using that much parenting time would depend on how much her life is in turmoil.

As you see, living far apart makes frequent exchanges and scenarios such as equal parenting time impractical.  Once he's old enough for school, he will be registered with one school.  That rules out midweek or split-week schedules.  So who gets the lion's share of Mon-Fri parenting time?

Of course the last is best but one hurdle you have is to convince the court that you as the stable parent are able to handle work and parenting at the same time and is best for your child.  Many courts have a default preference for Mother, a leftover of past decades of Tender Years Doctrine favoring mothers.  Even if she has major issues, courts may have policies that give unwritten preference to mothers to be Primary Parent and that may put you in an uphill struggle.  Difficult but not impossible.

[formflier]

What is the goal of "making a concession" of giving summers to her?  What did you get out of it or what did that solve?

FF

[Radcliff]

Have you talked to your lawyer to see if jurisdictional issues are a concern?  Might she file an action near where she lives, possibly to give her an advantage?  Have you filed any actions to stake a claim in your local jurisdiction?

WW

[formflier]

Does she live in same state or different state? 

FF

[prof]

Regarding the summer, you seem to have some misgivings about your son's care arrangement.  Perhaps she'd care for him and lose her job.  Perhaps she'd work and leave him in substandard care.  You are inclined to try to be as fair as possible, and are still subject to guilt, and genuinely want to maintain the mother-child bond.  But your higher duty is to your son and his well being.  Even to the point of altering his summer plans.  Remind us, this is all ad hoc, not on any court orders, correct?  You and she are just talking directly?  Are you headed for a custody evaluation process at some point?

Yes, everything is informal between uBPDstbxw and I.  Right now the court order is just that I have primary custody and she has visitation rights at my discretion.  There will be a custody hearing at some point soon.

If I were you, I would not yield your son until she has articulated a credible care plan.  You can have your lawyer ask her lawyer for this.  I would get it in writing in a letter from her lawyer.  All of this may seem hard-nosed, but as long as your actions are not emotional and are mindfully in service of your son, you are not being selfish, controlling, or any other adjectives she or you may put upon you.

If she cannot give a credible care plan, then consider constructive alternatives, like she takes a week off work in June and a week off in July for two week long visits.

It can be exhausting and often ineffective to communicate with a pwBPD directly in situations like this.  Sometimes it makes sense, but oftentimes, increasing the involvement of professionals like lawyers and counselors to help with the communication is a good thing.  Busy professionals often have a way of slicing through a lot of the behaviors that throw you for a loop (although they also can get co-opted by the pwBPD as Eddy warns in "Splitting."

This sounds great.  She hasn't hired an L yet due to lack of resources.  I'll be talking to mine this week about S5 and the summer.

How far apart do you two live?  How many hours between homes?

7 hours

What is the goal of "making a concession" of giving summers to her?  What did you get out of it or what did that solve?

Honestly, it was mostly me just giving in to her every demand like I did when we were together.  I certainly don't want to remove S5 from her life completely, though.  And my L does encourage me to be nice to her so that all her claims that I'm this unreasonable monster are without merit.

Have you talked to your lawyer to see if jurisdictional issues are a concern?  Might she file an action near where she lives, possibly to give her an advantage?  Have you filed any actions to stake a claim in your local jurisdiction?

My L filed a temporary custody order a few months ago which gives me primary custody for 12 months.  She has visitation rights at my discretion.  The time limit for her having him out of state was waived.  She hasn't filed anything.

Does she live in same state or different state? 

Different state.

[ForeverDad]

She lives in a different state.  Therefore don't let your court close the case.  Once there is no order in effect then she's free to file in her state.  (Six months residency is all it takes to file custody issues, as long as no orders exist elsewhere  You already know your state can issue sound orders even if temporary.  A court in her state may very likely minimize the legal history in your court case.  Then all your prior concern for her and fostering her relationship with your son will be gone with the wind, she could maneuver herself into the driver's seat.  This is from peer support, we're not lawyers with local legal advice.  Just beware that you don't sabotage yourself with your otherwise wonderful qualities and concerns.

Since you two live 7 hours apart, there's no way you can make exchanges twice a week or even once a week.  Have your lawyer describe what typical remote parenting schedules are like.  He will go to school in one parent's location.  That must be you as the Primary parent, considering her issues.  Typically the non-Primary parent gets the long school holidays (half or more of Winter Break, Spring Break and much of Summer Break).  Considering her situation, it sounds like she shouldn't have long periods of time over the summer.  Perhaps space out 3 visits, a week or each of June, July and August.  Whatever makes sense.  Just don't abdicate the entire summer.  Otherwise she may find incentive to enroll him in school where she lives and make court even more complicated.

Of course all this depends on the extent, if any, of her mental recovery.  If she contests the limited time, you can mention that the distance apart is a major factor in what schedule can work.

Ignore, I repeat, ignore any claims that Mother must be the one in charge.  Such claims are emotional ones, meaningless beyond their ability to 'guilt' you and weaken your resolve, you will have to hold to good boundaries for your child's sake.

[formflier]

Honestly, it was mostly me just giving in to her every demand like I did when we were together.  I certainly don't want to remove S5 from her life completely, though.  And my L does encourage me to be nice to her so that all her claims that I'm this unreasonable monster are without merit.
 

I can't imagine that a summer there is in your son's best interest or in the best interest of your relationship with your son... .or the best interest of your court case.

How about a week there... .2 weeks back with you... .2 weeks with her (to see how it goes)... .couple back with you... .keep giving her a little more... assuming it goes ok.

Her lack of resources is not your issue... .about childcare... .about L... .whatever.

Make your son #1.  You are doing great things ... keep the focus on your son.

FF

[livednlearned]

I certainly don't want to remove S5 from her life completely, though.

A lot of us get into these relationships and have a hard time seeing the full, true extent of untreated mental illness and how it affects our parenting and our kids. If you grew up with untreated mental illness in your family of origin, you likely have a higher threshold to tolerate mental illness in others.

That tolerance can get passed down through parenting.

We pass that tolerance on to our kids.

Tolerance has to be combined with specific skills that are not intuitive and must be learned. That's how we raise emotionally resilient kids. It's how we become emotionally resilient ourselves.

Our crew here doesn't get the fairytale family where parents bond and stay happily together. We don't even get the fairytale divorce where parents set their differences aside and focus on what is best for the kids.

You're entering this new realm of family life where you have to protect your son from one of the most significant people he will love, or try to love. He will need help figuring out how to navigate abusive love.

During his time with you, help him with skill-building and developing emotional resilience so that he can practice those skills during limited periods with mom.

To help him with these skills, you will need to learn them first. Not easy, but the rewards are life changing -- the skills are effective in any relationship, including the one you have with yourself 

And my L does encourage me to be nice to her so that all her claims that I'm this unreasonable monster are without merit.

You have gone above and beyond nice in the eyes of court.

She is a grown-up. If she moved away, court will expect her to do what grown-ups do, which is to figure out how to see her son.

Nice means writing BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, formal) emails and agreeing to get S5 ready for her when she rolls into town to see him. It means giving her ample time to come pick up her stuff, or having someone come get it, before you donate it to goodwill. Nice means telling her that you are sorry to hear she's having car problems, and that you will come get S5, but that means you can't make it the time after that because gas is so expensive.

You don't have to make big sacrifices to be nice. You just have to be pleasant and set limits so that your needs are being met first, before hers. Your son will grow up seeing that it's ok to have healthy boundaries 

[prof]

She lives in a different state.  Therefore don't let your court close the case.  Once there is no order in effect then she's free to file in her state. 

The current temporary order was for 12 months beginning this February, so fortunately I have some time.

A lot of us get into these relationships and have a hard time seeing the full, true extent of untreated mental illness and how it affects our parenting and our kids. If you grew up with untreated mental illness in your family of origin, you likely have a higher threshold to tolerate mental illness in others.

My mom was bipolar.  It was treated, but she still had a few episodes when I was a kid, and it ultimately led to my parents' divorce when I finished high school.  So I'm sure I definitely picked up some unhealthy behaviors!

That tolerance can get passed down through parenting.

We pass that tolerance on to our kids.

Tolerance has to be combined with specific skills that are not intuitive and must be learned. That's how we raise emotionally resilient kids. It's how we become emotionally resilient ourselves.

Our crew here doesn't get the fairytale family where parents bond and stay happily together. We don't even get the fairytale divorce where parents set their differences aside and focus on what is best for the kids.

You're entering this new realm of family life where you have to protect your son from one of the most significant people he will love, or try to love. He will need help figuring out how to navigate abusive love.

During his time with you, help him with skill-building and developing emotional resilience so that he can practice those skills during limited periods with mom.

To help him with these skills, you will need to learn them first. Not easy, but the rewards are life changing -- the skills are effective in any relationship, including the one you have with yourself 

Thank you -- this is great stuff!


Yesterday, S5 and I came home to find that one of our cats had died suddenly and unexpectedly.  I called uBPDstbxw right after the vet -- it was one of the cats she was planning on taking as soon as she was able.

She blamed me, she blamed our vet, she blamed where I live, she blamed the fact that she wasn't there.  Everything except for whatever medical condition actually caused his death.  It's amazing how much more clearly I see her behavior now!

[formflier]

The current temporary order was for 12 months beginning this February, so fortunately I have some time.
 

There is a strategic thing here... as well as practical one that you should keep in mind.  I would say that you need to have a new/replacement order in place by middle of October (there is still time)... .that gives some wiggle room for things to get delayed until Mid November.

With holidays and such... .you don't want to be dealing with the stress of getting it done... or trying to have the holidays with a big deadline looming soon after Holidays are done.

Something to think about... .plan for...

FF

[david]

Your cat reminds me of a story when ex and I were still together. We had a dog. She insisted you had to have a leash on him whenever you took him out. After a while I was able to take the leash off and he would stay with me. This went on for a few years. Ex still put a leash on him. One day when I was at work she called. I couldn't understand what she was saying because she was crying too much. I finally figured out that she let the dog out by himself. Well the dog got hit by a car. She felt guilty for a day and a half. After that she went to the township building and made a big stink about the speed limit on our street. It was 25 mph but she insisted more signs be installed and that the police set up a speed trap. It had to be someone elses fault. It took her a while to figure it out but she did. Guess, who in our house, got a speeding ticket from the speed trap. Priceless.