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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2015, 11:09:55 AM » |
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Hey friend,
I understand the frustration with the babysitter. My ex-wife has her share of mindless "minions", too. I love seeing them glare at me like I'm some heartless, evil ass who goes out of his way to "get" their friend, my ex-wife. There's a rather large handful of people who are pretty well convinced that they "know" who I am and what kind of person I am. It still bothers me some, but not like it used to. I guess I've just known my ex for too many years and know exactly what's going to happen. She goes from one group of codependent enablers to another, like swinging on monkey bars. Within a year or two, these people will either become her enemies or will be no longer useful to her as she swings to someone new. Or she'll just rotate them more to her back pocket, to pull out in case of emergency (like when her current support system finds out what she's really like and ditches her).
As hard as it is -and I'm dealing with the same thing- your daughter probably isn't going to break by having to stay with her mom when she doesn't want to. Unless things get more stable for her while she is with mom, what is probably going to happen is that your daughter is going to grow up to resent her mom's control of her and she will probably decide to live with you when she is old enough to make that decision. My youngest is 9 and she already doesn't want to live with her mom. She feels like she has no voice with her mom and isn't allowed to have one because she says her mom will get mad.
At home (with me and my wife and her siblings), my daughter has a voice. She is expected to act like a 9 year old. She is disciplined when she is rude or selfish or whatever. And she is ferociously loved. And she knows it. At her mom's, she knows that mommy loves her but her mom is usually too preoccupied with other things... .like her boyfriend or sleeping all day when she isn't working. My daughter spends a lot of time alone or with people she doesn't know, at a place that isn't home. Her mom doesn't expect her to talk and over-babies her a lot. She also hangs out with losers and arguably has a drinking problem. It sucks. But my daughter is surviving -not thriving, but surviving.
What you need to do is just be eyes and ears for her, and be her coach. Keep watch. Write things down. If you suspect something is going wrong, maybe take her to a doctor or to a counselor. And talk to her about things with honesty. She is old enough to understand at least some things. "I know, sweetie. I want you to come home with me, too. But when mommy's and daddy's aren't together anymore, there are rules that say mommy and daddy each get to see the child. And when it's mommy's turn, I can't do anything about that. As you get older, things can change, but there's not much I can do about it right now. I would if I could." You can also ask her how things are, and if she says there are things going on that she doesn't like you can encourage her to use her voice and speak up. And of course, if there are consistent patterns of abnormal behavior, taking her to a child counselor may help you figure out if there is abuse going on.
Recently, we coached my daughter on the difference between beer cans/bottles and soda cans/bottles. She already could tell the difference, and she said, "mommy has lots of those! (pointing to the alcohol cans)" Kids are pretty smart. We told her to say "No" if anyone wants her to get in the car after they've had some of those kind of cans or bottles. Things like that. Right now, we're making sure she has our phone number memorized and knows how to use a phone.
If she is 3, within a year or two she will probably be in pre-school. That will change some things. You won't be the only one noticing things. The teachers and the school will notice. They will notice who is responsible and who is not, who is drama and who is not. They will hear things, and they may witness things. It's actually good, most of the time, because they can become another advocate for your child.
Writing things down is good, but in court it can be considered "hearsay" when by itself. What you really need is tangible proof or witnesses to things. Teachers, doctors, friends, counselors, you... .things witnesses see are important. So write things down, by all means, but write down also who was involved and who was there. Someone who appears to be your ex's ally at the present time may turn out to be your ally (or your daughter's) in the future.
One big thing I think you need to watch out for, as a daddy of a little girl with a mom like this, is over-coddling your daughter. It is very understandable to freak out when your daughter appears hurt and you want to call the authorities and do all kinds of things to protect her. And in some circumstances, you absolutely should. But the flip-side of that is that it is entirely possible for a daddy to treat his daughter like a victim and over-coddle her. This can unwittingly encourage unwanted behavior and attitudes. If they are treated like they are babies, they learn to remain more like babies. And they learn that if they cry and act sad daddy will come running, no matter what's actually going on. It becomes a dysfunctional way to get attention and affection, and if we aren't careful we can contribute to them being stunted a bit emotionally.
I've been a rock for both of my daughters, especially the younger one. And I just felt so badly for the younger one because she just loves me so much, only wanted me all the time, and was neglected by her mommy (we all were). I became her security blanket, and she kinda became mine, too. It wasn't good for her. Yes, her mom was neglectful, and that stunted her. But I believe my over-protection and over-coddling stunted her at some point, too. It was understandable for a time, and even necessary to make her feel safe and give her a secure attachment, but at some point I needed to stop seeing her as a "poor thing" and start seeing her as a little girl who is resilient and can learn and grow through these tough and very adult things.
I didn't really grasp this until I started dating and finally married my current wife. My wife is great with my daughters, especially the younger one, but when we first got together she was appalled at the behavior I accepted as normal. Crying, whining, animal noises, not speaking, clawing when angry, etc. It's like she was feral! But my new wife began expecting my youngest to act her age, and within a year my daughter (who for a while my ex and I believed may have Asperger's) turned into a normal 8 or 9 year old little kid. Sure, she is still regressed in some ways, and she has some social troubles she is still working through, but it is like night and day.
Long story short... .hang in there. Be vigilant and protect your daughter, but watch yourself for overreaction and over-coddling. The world isn't coming crashing to the ground. Kids have grown through much, much worse and come out fine. That being said, if you find out she is being physically or sexually abused in any way, I would not hesitate to drop the hammer using any legal means necessary.
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