Part 2: No contact with daughter

[eggshellalert]

This thread is a continuation of a previous thread. Part 1 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332148.0

I’m having a terrible week. My daughter’s birthday was last week. Brought back all my feelings of missing her. I sent her a card, left her a voice message, and my husband texted her. But no response. I have no idea whether she listens to the messages or reads the card.  So since her 2018 birthday, there’s been nothing. Except for a little contact with my husband who finally said to her He can’t have a relationship with her behind her mother’s back. I miss having her in my life. To be able to see her for family occasions or just a separate dinner with her, my husband and me. She has missed all the occasions— Mother’s day, Thnaksgiving, Christmas, family birthdays. What must she be saying to her boyfriend and her family when they ask about her family? Lies? It just hurts me so terribly that my child doesywant her family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi there

It's good to see you back here though I'm sorry to hear your daughter is still not in contact with you. I hope that you are taking care of yourself, ESA - it's so easy to sink into a depression.

What was your D's response to your H telling her he can't have a relationship with her behind your back?

~ OH

[eggshellalert]

I am so sad, upset. Some days are worse, where I can’t sleep. This girl is not the same as the one we raised. I just don’t get it. After D receive the message from H, there has been zero contact.

[Only Human]

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling, ESA, not being able to sleep some nights. Your situation is definitely sad, and I want you to know it can get better. It won't be overnight, but there are things we can do to help ease our own suffering. Being estranged from a loved one can be devastating. Are you seeing a therapist to help you while you grieve the loss of the relationship you hoped to have with your daughter?

I'm short on time but wanted to share this thread with you about grieving our losses.

4.02 | Grieving Our Losses

I'm glad you're back, talking about this with us here.

~ OH

[Only Human]

Just one more before I go:

Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

Have a look and let us know which stage you are experiencing right now.

~ OH

[eggshellalert]

I think my stage is Anger and Sadness. I am far from "acceptance". I don't understand how a chile sees no value in her family. We were always very family-oriented. Family vacations, family birthdays, etc.

[Huat]

Hello again, Eggshellalert

So, so glad you are back!  I recognize your pain and I wish there was a magic wand available to take it all away...the same magic wand so many of us here have wished for.

I've read and re-read through this thread and each time it saddens me as I see the similarities in our situations, remembering the pain that actually made my heart ache.  One comes to think that the word "heartache"  is just used in songs...but the heart can and does ache.

I, too, have asked my daughter to join me in counselling, telling her I was prepared to accept and face up to whatever I had done or not done in this dysfunctional relationship of ours.  The difference with us, though, is that she is adamant that will never happen.  Your daughter walked into a session and soon after walked out.  Reading through the lines, that tells me that these young women are afraid and not prepared to look into their own mirrors.

I can't tell you what you should do, Eggshellalert, but I know in our case, the more I would push for contact, the more my daughter would resist.  I think it added more fuel to her fire to know I was hurting.

You are in such good company here, Eggshellalert.   For me, putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my heart to this community of caring people has kept my head above water so many times.

I can't tell you how many times we have had no contact with our daughter.  In these latter years the lengths in time have gotten longer...the last time almost 4 years...this time we are well into 2 years.  How can this not hurt?  We are Moms.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, Eggshellalert.  Do one thing today that brings a smile on your face...then tomorrow do two things...then...

Keep posting!  You are being heard and we validate your feelings.

Huat

[eggshellalert]

Oh thank you so much. I really, really appreciate these words from people that have had the same heart ache. I think you are right. until they look into their own mirror, they will need to find someone 'easy' to hurt and blame for dysfunction.

[Mirsa]

Hi EggshellAlert,

My daughter (18yo BPD and NP) and blocked me yet again.  It's fine, and I'm kind of at peace with it, which is weird after several months of agonizing over her.  However, I've been working hard to understand her illness and really accept her for who she is.  I think this actually makes her very uncomfortable.  She really wants only people in her life who will adulate her and give her so much attention for every illness, worry, and drama she concocts.  When I was no longer willing to do that, she moved out, and yes, blames me, for not being able to have a relationship with me. 

She is a physically beautiful young woman, and has a socially awkward boyfriend who has wrapped his life around her.  Her father (my ex), didn't parent her for several years, so now he has energy to do so, and she loves all the new attention and focus she gets from him and his companion, while I, and the sister who lived with her, are burnt out on her constant demands and unceasing drama. 

I have found peace with her rejection, as the past few months I've been freed to let go of my "mother" identity and explore the other parts of what makes me, me.  It's been a true gift to have this time of peace and serenity in my life.  Since all things in life are temporary, I don't focus on the 'what if (she never comes back into my life)' and instead try to enjoy the gift of this time.  Let the future take care of itself.  Our daughters have their own journey, and so do we! 

I agree, it's a grieving process (see my post:  Grieving the Daughter I'll never have), but hey...it's also a time for celebration of life, joy, and peace!

[eggshellalert]

Thank  you. I do continue to worry about how long this absence will be. But it just wears me down to always worry.

[stampingt1]

Manifest32f,

Sorry that you aren't currently in contact w/ your BPD daughter. I can only imagine what you are feeling.  Take this much needed break for self care & to be w/ your other daughter.

Hugs!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[eggshellalert]

You are so right. I cannot let the sadness from one relationship to affect my other relationships. I know that this sadness/hurt/anger has changed the person I am. But I still want to be the best mom I can be!

[Mirsa]

Hi Eggshellalert,

I understand the feelings of grief.  My BPD DD will turn 18 at the end of the month.  I'll send a card with a gift card in it, but that is about it.  She has gone no-contact with me for a few weeks, and I've come to accept that whether I send a gift, don't send a gift, send a card, take her out for an all-inclusive luxury cruise...it doesn't really matter.  She is who she is, and if I am not willing to give her the endless attention she demands, respond to her every whim and drama, and adulate her (and no, I'm not willing to do this), then she will find a reason to cut me out.  Just being a normal, loving mother will never be enough for her.  She's a narcissist and it's just how it is.  I've come to anticipate the sadness I'll probably feel on her birthday, but I can also remember that the sadness will pass.  I'm determined to be happy and thrive.  This is a wonderful time of my life and I deserve to enjoy it!   I'll not allow another person's psychosis to prohibit me from living my best life.  Hope you can find your own peace with this too.

Hugs

[eggshellalert]

Reaching out to you all here. Interested to hear your thoughts. I think about and miss my daughter every day. Still have not had any contact with our daughter. Her birthday and her dad’s came and went. I continue to try and learn more about BPD... One thing is I want to show I care instead of “settling “ without her. I want to show up at her house. If she lets me in, great, but, more likely she’ll shut the door. But I’ll leave a short note... “I wanted to see, you, see you are ok...I love you. I don’t want to give up” or something like that. My goal is to have her see, even if it isn’t right away...”my mom never gave up on me”. I want to leave that impression vs. not reaching out and she thinks “my mom never cared”. Anyone have thoughts about this for me?

[mggt]

Hi.  We have been no many times with our d.  It hurts to the core of your being. I know how you feel as others do on this board. Your not alone. If that helps at all. I know the feeling of wanting to rush in tell them how much we love them hold them and hug them. Just be careful. Sometimes with our d that’s what she wants and she crushes us all over again with her hurtful words and actions. My suggestion is take it slow. But we don’t know your story with your d.  We all have similar stories but some are different. Sending hugs.

[Huat]

Hello again Eggshellalert

Wish we were closer so I could give you a "From-one-Mom-to-another-HUG."  Truth be told, I am in need of one myself.  Mothers' Day is coming.

To repeat what I wrote to you in a previous post, I recognize your pain and so much of your story resonates with me. 

I am from the era of Brownie Cameras when rolls of film were developed, albums and albums were filled with the stories and milestones of our lives...now testaments to the fact that we were a grounded, "normal," well-functioning, loving family...until our daughter turned 13 and first disappeared.  My husband and I spent our 17th wedding anniversary on the streets looking for her...and the story continues.

I, like you, have pined for that child-of-mine-who-used-to-be.  There was a time when the hurt was so bad I couldn't look at those family pictures that have a prominent place in our bedroom.  I almost hid them away until one day I looked at those little, smiling faces and remembered those little people loved me and I loved them.  That little girl in the picture is not the caustic, vengeful person of today.  With that said, I no longer cry when I look at that little girl...I smile...and then I move on...some days more sluggish than others...but I work on moving on.

You write that you think of just showing up at your daughter's house.  Hmmm?  There is the possibility that she will open the door, all of a sudden realize the error of her ways and fall into your arms.  Then again...well...you have written about the possibility (probability?) of a completely different scenario.  You are in a very fragile state and that would be so, so devastating.  Work on protecting that heart of yours...don't set yourself up with expectations.   

Now, that is not to say you shouldn't keep reaching out to this daughter of yours who you love so much.  Maybe a card...now and then... telling her that she is loved...but nothing else...no heavies...nothing that is asking for action on her part.  That conveys that you have not given up on her and your dignity is intact.   

Keep writing, Eggshellalert.  Absorb the support that is being sent to you by the others here who also walk on eggshells.  Gotta say that, in my trying to comfort you,, I have helped myself to feel better.  I am now going out for a walk in this much-welcomed sun we have here today.

((HUGS)... ...from Huat

[eggshellalert]

Mmgt and huat thank you.
My husband and I just said today that she is not the girl we raised.
When I go to her house (she lives an hour away) I fully expect that she wont let me in. Ill leave a note.. I wanted to see you and know you’re ok. I love you. I won’t give up. If she does let me in, there could be yelling coming from her, but I dont want to question her, I only want to say I wanted to see you and know you’re ok. Im not sure what else Ill say if she lets me in but hopefully it’ll come to me. BPD want love don’t they? I want to show her love. But she may not take it that way, but maybe she will deep down and maybe not right away.

[Hopeandjoy]

This has got to be difficult. I hope you get to see her eventually.

If I were you, I would spend this time processing your feelings about her decision. If you're going to drive to her house, I would ask first so she doesn't feel overpowered.

Did your child randomly get BPD out of nowhere? 

[eggshellalert]

She has blocked us on her phone, so I cannot call first. I have left a voice mail in the past just to say I love and miss you. Im not sure she gets these messages. I suppose I could leave a message before I go. Thank you for the suggestion.
She hasn’t been diagnosed. From all I read, it is what I suspect. One day she stopped contact with us. That was a year ago.

[Hopeandjoy]

Sorry to hear she blocked you, that's awful.

Lets say she acts like she has BPD, she's a handful. Do you think she just woke up like that? Did she come out wrong maybe?

[Only Human]

This thread has reached its posting limit and has been split. Part 3 can be found here

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders