Setting boundaries

[understandnow]

When we set our boundaries do we tell them?  My husband and I made a choice resulting from previous situations.  We decided and did not say why?  After 3 months of my son being angry about this situation I explained myself and gave him a reason why, which I knew was wrong but felt after hearing him and getting ranting texts for 3 months maybe he would understand.   Now I'm pulled back in for the details!  What to do next? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello understandnow,

Good to see you back.  Wow, that is a really good question about boundaries.

Boundaries are best set in advance of the need to enforce them.  They are to be set gently and firmly.  It is not necessary to explain why we are setting a boundary, we don't have to justify our boundaries.

Personally if I was asked why I was setting a boundary I would only say because I value _____.  Whatever that boundary is protecting is what I would state.

I hope this helps.

lbj

[understandnow]

This sight is invaluable, thankyou.  Brief situation, my husband and I are retired and go to key west every winter.  Two years ago my son and wife had a baby the end of January and we cancelled that winter because even though we were not allowed to be a part of the first grandchild's birth, we were hoping to be able to be in the waiting room for the second birth.  My Dil parents and family were in the delivery room and we were told not to come into the waiting room.  We stayed at home waiting for any news.  We learned from Facebook first that he was born.  Then my son called me and told me.  Nothing was said to them as I respected their wishes and we saw him the next day.  Many of my offers to help were declined.  Two years later she is having her baby again in January and this time we decided to go to key west knowing we would not be in town for the delivery. They were so mad at us and i received numerous rants via texts about how hurt they both were that we were not in town for the birth.  I felt we set our limits of not being manipulated into pushing us away and learning again on Facebook that we had another grand baby.  I would have loved to be able to hug my son when he came into the waiting room in all three of my grandchildren  births.

My question is should I tell my son and Dil all this.  How do I explain my values when my grandchildren are my greatest values, but they know that and use them as pawns against us.  My Dil has almost every trait of a BPD and my son is close behind.  My Dil paints me black and this is something I am feeling guilty about and they have something tangible to use against me.  My husband was insistent we go and he said he was going with or without me. 

[lbjnltx]

What value are you protecting?  Family time, self respect, freedom from manipulation, honoring your commitment to your husband?

If they are not asking "why" I would not offer because you will want to avoid JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

I think this situation is more in line with limits... .a word you used to describe your feelings:

" I felt we set our limits of not being manipulated into pushing us away and learning again on Facebook that we had another grand baby."

If your son or DIL express to you that they are hurt by your choice it is safe to validate their feelings.  This is not agreeing with their perspective or any accusations that they may make... .it is the feelings that can be validated.

lbj

[understandnow]

Thankyou.  That makes sense.  They did not ask why, they just attacked and I did find myself  JADEing.  I do have a right not to be manipulated.  Sometimes I just need to hear it.