received this letter from my ex. please help

[Front runner]

Hi All,

I posted this originally on the leaving detaching board and on there I was advised to post the letter on here to get some feedback.   I am very torn and long to be with this person but in a healthier light.

I would like to get your opinions on the content and advice on how best to proceed

I am in love with this person and have been 2 months nc with one chance meeting.  Today I came home and received this letter. 

She ran off taking condoms from my flat.  was serially unfaithful and abusive.  this letter has practically destroyed me.  What are her intentions please

Dear xxx,

3 months into our marriage we would have been.  Just because I am not in love with you anymore it doesn't mean i never did and it certainly doesnt mean i dont care. I am mourning for you. but when i saw you in the street last month i felt terrible as you reflected what i have done to you over the time that we have known each other.

You are so wounded and so romantic and so utterly deep in trouble, you fall deep into a pit of despair and that hurts me to see and to know these things.

You are my addiction.  my best parts and my worst.  I am so sorry. I have learnt so much with you and i want nothing more than for you to be happy. to find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.  Because you have been through so much and I have put you through some of the best and the worst.

I understand that we never fully closed off our love properly - we've done it so often but so little.

I know you aren't living in xxx anymore because i saw.  so i hope this letter finds its way to you.

thank you so much for giving me the strongest emotions ive ever felt whilst knowing you.  I will strive to dig deep and use these in positive ways and learn from them and share them with the greatest of love i did once bare for you.  I still cry and i still worry about you.  we came so close and we must always remember the love that we had for one another - mainly ontop of the church

yours

xxx

[Forestaken]

You have to be strong.  It's tough I know.  I heard these kinds of words for years (even decades) but realize from this old man, that you deserve to be in a r/s that isn't conditional. 

Sometime letting go is harder than hanging on.

[half-life]

This is the apology letter I wish my wife would have written. It says a lot in just this one sentence.

to find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

[Rockstar22]

You are so wounded and so romantic and so utterly deep in trouble, you fall deep into a pit of despair and that hurts me to see and to know these things.

I am so sorry. I have learnt so much with you and i want nothing more than for you to be happy. to find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.  Because you have been through so much and I have put you through some of the best and the worst.

I heard very similar sentiments from my ex before she left - it was pretty amicable, though I was in shock and had been depressed at the time (all the ugliness came over the phone later). Afterwards, and reading about BPD, I wondered if the sentiments were genuine but I think I just have to take them at face value. Alot of the info about BPD is dehumanizing, and maybe deservedly so to an extent, but there are still people underneath the disorder. Maybe when they love and care about someone so much and realize they are damaging that person and don't know how to stop, the only thing they know how to do is leave... .

That doesn't mean that we can hope to have a normal relationship with that person though, as sad as it may seem. Only you can decide if you want to be with this person that caused you pain and treated you and your relationship with such disrespect. I do know that, as in my case, if you choose to pursue her, you may or may not be successful, and even if you are, you are likely in for alot of hurt in your future.

I still stuggle with it every day... . we don't want to let go, but it might be best to try before we dissappear over the "event horizon" into that abyss that so many on this board have been trapped in unhappily for years. As for mine... . I will always love her and try my best to be there for her if she truly needs me, but I cannot be with her or it would likely kill me. I have to accept that this might one day mean total NC with her, when I think I'm strong enough for that.

[Lights843]

It's hard to tell what's genuine and what's not. You know her better than we do but it seems like she tried to make the letter about herself a few times even playing the victim in some respects. It would be difficult to read that knowing how much you obviously cared about her.

Most of us are never lucky enough to get this kind of closure and in some ways we're lucky because this may not be closure. I'm more inclined to believe she is pouring salt into an open wound that hopefully now can begin healing.

There have been days when all I wish for is a hand written letter from my exBPD wife apologizing for lying, cheating, stealing and then I immediately know the letter would be about her. She could admit in the letter how amazing I was as a husband but I don't need her reassurance anymore because I know I was. NC will allow you to learn all of the great things about yourself and what you have to offer an equally wonderful woman.

Stay strong. I'm sure the letter brought you a tidal wave of emotion as it should. It means you cared and most likely gave the relationship everything you had.

[Front runner]

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

I think it is more about pouring salt onto an open wound and making sure I'm still on the end of her string. If I respond I won't be in a position of strength. Do you think if I ignore it she will make further attempts to contact me. Bearing in mind she went by my house and doesn't know where I am. I get the vague impression she's coming back round in a roundabout way but don't know for sure. Is staying nc best for a positive outcome with her?

Thanks

[going places]

Hi All,

I posted this originally on the leaving detaching board and on there I was advised to post the letter on here to get some feedback.   I am very torn and long to be with this person but in a healthier light.



I would like to get your opinions on the content and advice on how best to proceed

I am in love with this person and have been 2 months nc with one chance meeting.  Today I came home and received this letter. 

She ran off taking condoms from my flat.  was serially unfaithful and abusive.  this letter has practically destroyed me.  What are her intentions please

Dear xxx,

3 months into our marriage we would have been.  Just because I am not in love with you anymore it doesn't mean i never did and it certainly doesnt mean i dont care. I am mourning for you. but when i saw you in the street last month i felt terrible as you reflected what i have done to you over the time that we have known each other.

She is exerting her power over you.

SHE has all the control.

SHE calls the shots.

This is a very arrogant paragraph.

You are so wounded and so romantic and so utterly deep in trouble, you fall deep into a pit of despair and that hurts me to see and to know these things.

This is the 'blame and manipulation part.

You are my addiction.  my best parts and my worst.  I am so sorry. I have learnt so much with you and i want nothing more than for you to be happy. to find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.  Because you have been through so much and I have put you through some of the best and the worst

MORE manipulation.

To say you are her addiction, is dramatic, and negative. Addiction, is bad.

"Best and Worst" said twice, to MANIPULATE you into only thinking on the best... .

I understand that we never fully closed off our love properly - we've done it so often but so little.

I know you aren't living in xxx anymore because i saw.  so i hope this letter finds its way to you.

Head games to get you thinking that 'she's keeping an eye on me cause she loves me'

No. She is creeping to keep you on the hook.

Her personal 'Plan B'

thank you so much for giving me the strongest emotions ive ever felt whilst knowing you.  I will strive to dig deep and use these in positive ways and learn from them and share them with the greatest of love i did once bare for you.  I still cry and i still worry about you.  we came so close and we must always remember the love that we had for one another - mainly ontop of the church

yours

xxx

So she buttons this up with this "powerful emotion" part because it's the last thing you will read, and it will stick in your mind so that you will ruminate over the 'what if we try again, what if she has changed, wow she has 'strong emotions'. bla bla bla".

This is all a giant head game, IMHO

Best way to proceed?

Throw it in the trash, stay away from her, heal and move onto healthy relationships.

[going places]

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

I think it is more about pouring salt onto an open wound and making sure I'm still on the end of her string.

If I respond I won't be in a position of strength.

Do you think if I ignore it she will make further attempts to contact me.

Ignore her.

Who cares what she does.

Continue to ignore her.

Bearing in mind she went by my house and doesn't know where I am.

I get the vague impression she's coming back round in a roundabout way but don't know for sure.

Is staying nc best for a positive outcome with her?

Thanks

Yes. NC is best for YOU.

[Front runner]

Thanks going Places. 

[HazelJade]

She is exerting her power over you.

SHE has all the control.

SHE calls the shots.

This is a very arrogant paragraph.

You are so wounded and so romantic and so utterly deep in trouble, you fall deep into a pit of despair and that hurts me to see and to know these things.

This is the 'blame and manipulation part.

You are my addiction.  my best parts and my worst.  I am so sorry. I have learnt so much with you and i want nothing more than for you to be happy. to find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.  Because you have been through so much and I have put you through some of the best and the worst

MORE manipulation.

To say you are her addiction, is dramatic, and negative. Addiction, is bad.

"Best and Worst" said twice, to MANIPULATE you into only thinking on the best... .

I understand that we never fully closed off our love properly - we've done it so often but so little.

I know you aren't living in xxx anymore because i saw.  so i hope this letter finds its way to you.

Head games to get you thinking that 'she's keeping an eye on me cause she loves me'

No. She is creeping to keep you on the hook.

Her personal 'Plan B'

thank you so much for giving me the strongest emotions ive ever felt whilst knowing you.  I will strive to dig deep and use these in positive ways and learn from them and share them with the greatest of love i did once bare for you.  I still cry and i still worry about you.  we came so close and we must always remember the love that we had for one another - mainly ontop of the church

yours

xxx

So she buttons this up with this "powerful emotion" part because it's the last thing you will read, and it will stick in your mind so that you will ruminate over the 'what if we try again, what if she has changed, wow she has 'strong emotions'. bla bla bla".

This is all a giant head game, IMHO

... .

I do agree completely with this analysis.

Mind you, it doesn't mean that the words of love are false: it just means that the need to keep you hooked (manipulation) while at the same time pushing you away(hurting you) is just stronger. The need simply comes from being acted by a powerful disorder.

I have played the game and believed this type of letters.

It took hours of my time to write the best possible reply, making sure I was being honest, was keeping my dignity, but also was being vulnerable and authentic... . I gave all I had to say the right thing. I would make my best friends proofread it for me, read the letter again and again til I could play it in my head for nights at end, terrified to say the wrong thing, to ruin my last chance... . All I got back was being punished with the most cruel and most unpredictable things, sometimes weeks after, sometimes straight away. It took me a VERY long time to wake up from the cognitive dissonance this had created in my head.

Just to add a last note to the excellent analysis GoingPlaces offered, if you carefully read this sentence

I will strive to dig deep and use these in positive ways and learn from them and share them with the greatest of love i did once bare for you. 

This is triangulation already. She's trying to make you jealous and hurt you telling you she will use the love you gave her to love someone else. In fact, I suspect this is what she's fearing YOU will do; all she's doing it's a pre-emptive strike.

Whatever you decide to do, just keep a full awareness that yes, this is a perfect example of how subtle manipulations manifests.

In support, and with much empathy

HJ

[pallavirajsinghani]

She means 100% what she says.

Could be after  mailing this letter, her thought process was,  "I hate him.  He was controlling, abusive and did not deserve me.  I did so much for him.  He had no gratitude, no devotion.  He did not step up to it.  He was awful.  He never did care for me.  He never made a kind gesture.  He never wanted me to have any fun.  He was awful in bed... . "   And this feeling of hers would also have been 100% true.

You see, feelings are transitory and emotions are relatively longer lasting and more stable...   One significant and almost universal feature of this disorder is that the feelings of a BPD sufferer change too quickly--sometimes the feelings are disproportionate to the stimuli and sometimes they are a total distortion of the stimuli.  Typical is that a BPD sufferer is unable to distinguish between feelings and facts.  Feelings are facts.  For instance, their thought process could go something like,  "I feel bad... . therefore, he is bad."

Based on this, my reading of this letter is that, this feeling of remorse is fleeting and transitory.  It reflects loneliness, self-pity and shame.

This letter is a plea.  Please come and soothe me.  I am hurting, take my pain away.

Sadly, only a clinician can teach her how to self-soothe.  You just cannot take her pain away.  No matter how much you love her, love is not a cure for mental disorders.  She has the choice to be healthy and happy... . it is available... . it is called rigorous adherence to therapies available... . DBT, CBT, Behavioral modification.



The letter is supposed to arouse in you guilt and action out of guilt.

Any reaction on your part to help her as a result of this plea would actually be guilt disguised as love or compassion.

Be careful.

Be warned.

[wake up]

I don't know, I wouldn't over think it.  It drives us crazy trying to analyze their words, trying to figure out if this is manipulation or whether they have just blurted it out.

The healthier thing to do is just take it as an apology for all that she put you through.  Sometimes when people tell you they are hurting it is just so that you will understand it's not only you, your relationship did mean something to them etc.

It's your choice whether you acknowledge her letter,  only you know your reasons for going NC and whether there is a chance you would want her back.  Just be careful because once you contact them you are back on the roller coaster and can get dragged back into their lives.

If it feels wrong to ignore what could be a genuine apology you could acknowledge it carefully, no emotion at all! Tell her thank you for her apology and you wish her all the best.  Let her know that you did a lot of soul searching at the time and you have worked through everything and are happy with your life now. Don't give her an opening or show any vulnerability.  Perhaps ignore her replies if you can.  See it as final closure- not the start of a new exchange of emotions.  Avoid asking questions or commenting at all on her emotions, what she did to you etc. You don't want a reply you are just acknowledging her letter.  It's hard for a person with BPD to make a genuine apology so her doing that justifies all your hurt and let's you know it wasn't your fault.  That's very healing if you can see it that way.

Most of us would love to get an apology letter and the closure it brings. Just make sure you don't get sucked in to her drama again and don't forget what she put you through.  Remind yourself if she contacts you again that you have escaped her torture and you will not return for more.

[Front runner]

Thank you all so much for your Help.

I just want to say loosely what she has done. Given me 2 STD's. Physically assaulted me 3 times. One time quite badly. Tore up photographs of my son. Slept with at least 20 other people whilst being with me or broken up with me. Has told me she doesn't give a Fucx about my son. Has refused to see 80% of my family. My friend saw her buying drugs on the street wearing a dressing gown at 10 in the morning. And just so so much more! What am I doing thinking the way I am. Mentally Ill doesn't even touch the sides of where I'm at. 'Hanging in there for a phone call, or some other kind of contact.

[Forestaken]

Thank you all so much for your Help.

I just want to say loosely what she has done. Given me 2 STD's. Physically assaulted me 3 times. One time quite badly. Tore up photographs of my son. Slept with at least 20 other people whilst being with me or broken up with me. Has told me she doesn't give a Fucx about my son. Has refused to see 80% of my family. My friend saw her buying drugs on the street wearing a dressing gown at 10 in the morning. And just so so much more! What am I doing thinking the way I am. Mentally Ill doesn't even touch the sides of where I'm at. 'Hanging in there for a phone call, or some other kind of contact.

Dude, you don't need to walk away from her. You need to run.

Trust me. Peace and quiet is far better than the crap you're going through.

How old is your son (he comes first not her)

[Front runner]

Thanks, he's five. I don't have custody but regular visitations- every other wknd. 1 day in the week and 5 weeks holiday a year. I Love him and he needs me. Particularly as his mums a bit BPD too! Lol.

My ex used to go away for the weekends when I had him... .

[Forestaken]

Can she be drug tested?  I didn't have that issue with my Xw plus my kids were college age.

Your S5 whose the mother? Cuz BPD's can really mess up their kids, I know both of mine are in T with r/s issues

[Front runner]

Hi Forestaken,

The mother of my son isn't full blown BPD. Just has some traits. Not a drug abuser or anything like that. But has serious relationship issues. Like myself I suppose.

But yes he will need all the support he can get which includes having a healthy father. Thank you for your support

[Front runner]

Hi all,

I haven't replied to the letter.  I want to and I want things to be better.

But the letter wasnt reaching out for me enough and I need to set firm boundaries.

Having taken some time out I have decided the letter was more about manipulation and control (if anything) and the best way to get the result I want or 2nd best result, to detach is to stay NC and see what the Universe brings.  feels a bit passive I know but atleast I didnt cave in.

[HazelJade]

feels a bit passive I know but atleast I didnt cave in.

I understand this, completely.

I wanted so much to show that I was strong, superior to the game, keeping being honest no matter what, and I didn't want to look scared or as you say, passive. So, I replied, every time.

But every time the game had already "advanced" one step further, a step I hadn't been aware of.

Until I realized the truth; my strength, honesty, courage meant only one thing to him: I was still part of the game, he could still play with my head.

The game became so complex, and cruel, and subtle that it was impossible to describe, til the point I seriosuly worried for my mental health.  

The real action, the real courage, the real strength is what you've done.

You haven't engaged. Not with her, you haven't engaged with the disorder.

You've just beaten something huge.

You should be proud of yourself. I am, for you.

[Front runner]

feels a bit passive I know but atleast I didnt cave in.

I understand this, completely.

I wanted so much to show that I was strong, superior to the game, keeping being honest no matter what, and I didn't want to look scared or as you say, passive. So, I replied, every time.

But every time the game had already "advanced" one step further, a step I hadn't been aware of.

Until I realized the truth; my strength, honesty, courage meant only one thing to him: I was still part of the game, he could still play with my head.

The game became so complex, and cruel, and subtle that it was impossible to describe, til the point I seriosuly worried for my mental health.  

The real action, the real courage, the real strength is what you've done.

You haven't engaged. Not with her, you haven't engaged with the disorder.

You've just beaten something huge.

You should be proud of yourself. I am, for you.

Thank You Hazel Jade,

The problem is I still want things to work out between us at this stage. But I can't get taken down any further and she would need to make a commitment for herself to change in order for that to be possible. Thank you for your support