Daughter doesn't love me?

[Jenkies]

I think I realized today my daughter doesn't love me. Or her sister or anyone else in our family. I don't know what to do exactly or how to feel. I'm heartbroken but it has been this way so long maybe also a little empty about it ... .I love her more than anything. She is super smart but is so focused on her boyfriend. She just graduated high school with a 4.0 gpa and was talking about college and working. Now she is sleeping in his truck because he is homeless. They are able to go to his mom's house for showers, bathrooms, and such but he doesn't live there so they sleep in his truck. He talks to her like crap and makes her cry constantly but she gets hysterical if he breaks up with her - which he does constantly.

Her relationship with family is tumultuous. She hates my mom and dad every other day, and has hated my sister for years now. She doesn't like any of her cousins. She had no friends in school that she got along with for more than a couple of days.

Honestly, since she was 12 this has been a nightmare. I myself have been put on medication to handle the stress and anxiety it has caused.

Today I just finally realized, she doesn't love me. She only loves herself and her boyfriend. It started with graduation this past Friday. She insisted on going with him and his family. Of course he had her in tears an hour before he was supposed to pick her up but she was frantic thinking he wasn't going. He came and got her and she went with him and his family. After graduation, she went to find his family and I had to search for over 30 minutes to find her in the crowd. She didn't even try to find us or call to tell us where she was. Once we found her, her boyfriend disappeared so she spent the next 30 minutes trying to find him and get him back. What was supposed to be a joyous occasion ended up being hurtful.

What do I do with the knowledge that she doesn't care at all about her family?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there Jenkies

Welcome to the forum. I'm so very sorry to hear about your daughter and that you've had what should have been a memorable day ruined. It's perfectly understandable that you're upset and I'd feel exactly the same.

Was this graduation from high school or college? I guess it doesn't matter much but I was wondering if she's 18 or 21.

Your daughter does love you. It's just that, right now, every ounce of energy and emotion she has is tied up with her boyfriend and family. My DS was exactly the same at a similar age and it hurt so very much. I was actually very jealous of his GF's parents (the cool parents) who opened up their big wide arms and brought him into their fold. I've no idea what stories he told but I'm sure there were plenty. I was just so disappointed in him most of the time and I voiced it too. I made our relationship worse.

It sounds as if your daughter is pretty stressed at the moment. I'm sure she's aware of how you're feeling about her choices and, by the sounds of it, she's distancing you because it's easier for her. At some point in the future, she may realise this mistake - we all learn by our mistakes. Holidays and celebrations are just a stressful nightmare for a lot in the forum so believe me when I say you are not on your own.

I got back to basics and focussed on my core relationship with my DS26. I learng as much as I could (top right hand of this page plus other reading) and this helped me not react to his bad choices. I nurtured a better relationship and he now trusts me and shares himself. It's taken time and effort with my new skills learnt Here.

There's hope. It is possible to have a better relationship, despite the problems.

Do you have other children at home?

Hugs to you.

LP

[MomMae]

Hi Jenkies,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling regarding your daughter.  I understand how you feel because I have felt the same way about my daughter at times - that she doesn't care about any of her own family.  I am sorry you are feeling this way right now; it is a terrible feeling and for me I ran the gamut between anger, bitterness, confusion and deep sorrow.

I also understand how sad and disappointed you are about your daughter's graduation.  As you said, it should have been a joyous occasion for your family, I am sorry it didn't make you feel that way.  My daughter's college graduation was a similar experience last fall.  At 19, she graduated as a Registered Practical Nurse and it should have been the proudest moment of her life and ours.  Instead, we had had a major blowout the week before when she had totally betrayed us to take off with another guy she met on the internet just days after begging to move back home in the middle of the night when the previous loser BF kicked her out.  Then, a couple days later, as far as we knew she was visiting a pregnant girlfriend and she promised she would be home for dinner in half an hour.  She didn't show, and we spent the entire night in a panic and trying to track her down. She ignored texts and phone calls. She finally got in touch by text to say she was "safe" and then responded no further, we had no idea where she was/who she was with.  When we went to work the next morning, we changed the code for our door lock.  Without contacting us, she showed up at some point that day and because she couldn't get in due to the changed code, she broke in through a basement window she smashed.  Luckily, I had also locked the door at the top of the basement stairs, so she couldn't get into the main house.  She actually blamed all of this on us, justified everything she did.  She left screaming vulgarities at me and went to the Women's Shelter - again. The next week, after much pathetic begging on my part, she begrudgingly agreed to attend her graduation.  So there we were, picking our beloved daughter up at the Women's Shelter to take her to her graduation.  Of course, she had to wear the long black hair extensions that she knows we hate.  As her younger sister says, if the hair extensions go in, we know we are in for it!  And she wore goth style makeup and snake bite lip rings.  She definitely dressed like this just to stick it to me.  Just writing this and thinking back on that day is soo difficult.  We limped through the day with no incidents, but it wasn't pleasant for my husband and I.  And then to drop her back off at the shelter... .it was shattering.  I have yet to order the photos from that day (the company keeps emailing them) as just looking at them is so difficult.  Truthfully, I will NEVER display one in my home, not with those hair extensions and makeup... .I will eventually order one and give it to my daughter, but I don't want a reminder.  I'm glad we went, but I don't want to relive it or be reminded of that time in our life.

It must be so difficult for you that your daughter is choosing to live in a truck with her BF.  From my experience with my own daughter making similar bad choices, I know that trying to beg, plead and reason are not at all helpful and result in me feeling horrible about myself.  I think that maybe this is the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and we should try not to respond to the behaviour of our BPD children due to these emotions because it is self-defeating.  (If I am wrong in this interpretation, hopefully someone more knowledgeable on the forum can correct)

Your daughter knows that you love her and that you are there for her when she needs you.  You are a very caring mom.  She is not acting in a considerate way toward her family right now, but that does not mean she doesn't love you.  With graduating from high school, the boyfriend, life choices such as college and working she is likely overwhelmed with things right now.  This is an exciting, but also stressful time of life for any young person, but for a BPD it can be overload and result in bad choices/behaviour. 

I have been thinking of your post for the last couple of days as the subject line really spoke of your terrible pain.  I don't know if I helped, but I want you to know, Jenkies, that you are not walking this painful journey alone.

With empathy and hugs,      MM