BPD Daughter 20 and stealing. Need advice please.

[Slwinner]

My BPD daughter has been in some sort of treatment since she was 16, short term psych hospitalizations (10 times), intensive outpatient programs multiple times, residential treatment twice. She is currently in an IOP and working a few hours a week and going to school 2 hours a week, not college, finishing high school.

Today I found out she's been taking money from my bank account. Her trick, I allowed her to use my debit card to buy cigarettes at the gas station while I am there in the car and she used the ATM inside to withdraw money without my knowledge.

She was buying her own cigarettes but will not have money again until she gets paid as she is paying rent to her father. Long story but I told her I'd buy her a couple of packs of cigarettes until she gets paid on Friday and then she will pay me back.

And she took total advantage of me.

I asked her and she said she only took $10 once which is a lie. There are two withdraws from the gas station ATM. The other one was for $20. The frequency and amounts are not the point. She violated my trust AGAIN.

Now I have to tell my 15 year old son to not leave his wallet or cash lying around. AGAIN.

I really thought we were past this. It's useless to ask her what she needed the money for because she will lie. She also has addiction issues so my biggest concern is she's buying alcohol or drugs.

Anyone have success dealing with a situation like this? It's not about the money. I will make her pay me back. It's about the behavior, trust and the consequences. I DO NOT want a major meltdown. I just had to deal with one of those two weeks ago. AGAIN

I do respond to her with SET language. I am as calm and patient as I can be. I've done lots of homework and research about this illness yet she keeps repeating the same patterns even with LOTS of treatment.

I am disappointed and frustrated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slwinner]

So I am done asking. I am out.

[MomMae]

Hello Slwinner,

I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering.  Also having a BPD dd20, I totally get where you are coming from and understand the heart ache.  While I don't think she has stolen from us directly, she has certainly broke our trust time and time again, to the point where our heads are swimming.  She has even broken a window to get into our house, but as I was anticipating she may do something like this, she was not able to get into the main house as I locked the door at the top of the basement stairs.  We now have a dead bolt lock on our bedroom door, and when she is home we keep it locked with valuables and money kept in there just so we can somewhat relax.  She has never asked about it, but I know she hates it.

I think you are right that it is useless to try to ask her why she did it.  In my experience, when I start getting into wanting explanations of why it just results in an escalating situation and often times a rage on her part.  I would advise that you don't ever let her use your debit card again... .If your daughter rages at that, just simply state that the trust has been broken.  If you need to give her money, give her cash.  Just writing that, reminds me that my daughter did used to have a credit card in my name for emergencies (all my children do).  She did abuse that last summer by subscribing to some online thing and I immediately cancelled the card and had to figure out how to cancel the subscription as credit card company said cancelling her card would not stop charges for something that was subscribed to... .

It is exhausting and disheartening when you want so badly to trust someone, but you can't.  I am sorry you are dealing with this.  I empathize so much.  Many hugs.  Please do something kind for yourself today, you deserve it.   

[Lollypop]

Hi SLwinner

I'm really sorry to hear this. I had the same problem with my DS26 and it was horrible having to tell my younger son to watch his money. Fortunately, the stealing has stopped (hopefully forever).

I can't say why your daughter stole from you. I know why my DS stole for me. It's simple really - he's got a drug problem (mainly MJ) and didn't earn enough money to fund  it. Faced with insufficient money the easiest way to resolve the problem was to steal; it's certainly a lot easier than doing a full days work  

My DS has poor financial management skills. When he returned home at 24 this was my 2nd priority. He has to learn how to manage money if he's ever able to live independently. He's done very well and it started by me stopping giving him money.  Whilst it wasn't said, I think he knew that if he stole again we'd throw him out. Our relationship had broken down and we'd reluctantly allowed him back to live with us following a crisis.

All I can say is that I'd try not to get too upset by her behaviour. My DS showed little remorse at the time but has since shared how sorry he was.

You're doing all the right things!

I find it takes my DS 5-6 times to learn by his mistakes. He's slowly maturing and I like to look at it more like being a late developer. Accepting his limitations isn't always easy. I share your frustrations.

LP