is anyone else's ds/dd the same as they were at 2 or 3 years old?

[cfh]

Many stories I read here are very sad when your wonderful, loving, happy ds/dd turns into someone else later on in life due to BPD.

I cannot say that about ds29 (adopted).  He really is just the same boy he was at 2 as he is now.  Loving... .  yes he has always been loving and feels close to the family.  Though he wishes that he and all of us could understand his brain better.

Impulsive to the point of danger... .  always

No friends... .  never had any

Relationships... .  always unstable

Angry... .  this got worse as he got older

Storytelling... .  eventually turned into outright lies

Stress related paranoia... .  started around age 8

Learn from his mistakes... .  never could and still can't

Natural consequences... .  have no effect on him

Inappropriate behavior for his age... .  always

Success in school type setting... .  never-was always kicked out

Logical thought process... .  never

Anxiety... .  always.

Unstable mood... .  always

Fearful... .  always

Poor executive function... .  always

Talk of self harm... .  started around 6

Now we did find out through neurological testing when he was in his mid 20's that he was born with impairment to his frontal lobe.  Bio mom did lots of drugs/drinking/suicide attempt while she was carrying him. So that explains a lot.  Maybe she was pwBPD.  Pdocs think bio dad might have ASPD (they are just guessing since we have no info on him)

Just curious if anyone else has an adult child where these traits were there from the beginning.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

cfh - it is as if you are exactly describing my DD26. She came to us for adoption at 3 weeks of age - a week earlier than usual placments with this agency because 'the foster family is tired due to her colic and unconsolable crying'. I wanted a baby after 10 years of trying so much - did not take this in. Love her with all my heart from that first day mixed with my pain, guilt and distressing feelings of failure as a parent.

Know I did the best I could, and another child with different temperament and neurology may have trived with my instinctive parenting processes. Whether a child is born of our genetics or someone else's, we cannot predict who they will become. Just keep learning as much as I can to continue being the best I can be. New stuff comes out all the time.

qcr  

[cfh]

Qcarol

I'm optimistic because new info keeps coming out on BPD, new therapies.  In the meantime I just keep practicing what is known to work until it just becomes part of me.  According to ds I don't quite have it down yet!

13 months after ds29 was born we adopted another baby boy.  We took him home the day he was born. 

For the first time I got to experience what parenting a nonBPD was all about.  It was just soo easy and everything was so natural. This was the baby Dr. Spock was writing about. He's 28 now and a very lovely young man.

Even with all we've been through I can't imagine a life without both of them.

[qcarolr]

My gd7 in so many ways has been the gift to me for a new parenting experience. Even with her current troubles at school, most likely learning disabilities (wish there was a less judgemental word to describe  ), she is doing really well on the meds. for her anxiety. She likes her meds. takes them herself and tells me she only has silly dreams at night now, no more nightmares. 

I also see that her attachment to dh and I is more solid, and we are all weathering her mom's moods with less distress and quicker recover of ourselves. So sad that DD has so much blocking her acess to her 'self'. Will keep learning and practicing to make our r/s as good as possible.

qcr  

[cleanandsober]

Dear cfh, our daughter is now 15, her original Dx  at age 6, was ADHD, (with some anxiety/depression).  I never did a drug or smoked while pregnant, not even caffeine.  (I don't drink alcohol either). I breast fed her until 14 months.  She was a healthy baby, weighed 9 lbs.  We have been caring and loving parents since the day she was born.     

[Reality]

qcaroir,

What is your daughter doing with her love of re-making and re-creating, like her clothes project she used to have?  

I just saw Silver Linings Playbook, which is a wonderful story of two young people, who seem BPDish to me, not bipolar, finding their groove through their caring, honest and heart-felt relationship and a dance contest training scheme, finding their track again in society.

Interestingly, the girl isn't always honest, yet the lies are for a good purpose.  (She forges a letter supposedly from his estranged wife to let him think that if he shows his wife how he has changed, she might come back, thereby motivating the guy to work on the dance gig with her.)  

Your daughter seems so creative and adventurous to me and I am just wondering how she is able to use those gifts she has.  

Reality

Sorry to veer a bit off topic.  I think of your son, too, cfh.  

Honestly, no-one will ever convince me that our kids are less.  They are all more.  And exhaustingly so... .  

[Reality]

Impulsive to the point of danger... .  always                       As teenager

No friends... .  never had any                                            One good friend always, then one girl

Relationships... .  always unstable                                      Very intense relationships

Angry... .  this got worse as he got older                             From age 18 and on, as he de-railed

Storytelling... .  eventually turned into outright lies             From age 18... .  

Stress related paranoia... .  started around age 8                Very cautious with outsiders

Learn from his mistakes... .  never could and still can't        I don't think he knew what a mistake was

Natural consequences... .  have no effect on him                Never, no such thing to him

Inappropriate behavior for his age... .  always                     Always on the wilder side, but so funny

Success in school type setting... .  never-was always kicked out  Not sure he knew he was there

Logical thought process... .  never                                     Abstract-random thinker

Anxiety... .  always                                                           Anxious, but well-hidden

Unstable mood... .  always                                                From age 18 on

Fearful... .  always                                                            Panic attacks from age 18 or so

Poor executive function... .  always                                    Always

Talk of self harm... .  started around 6    Started slightly at 15, then again at 18...

Reality

[cfh]

cleanandsober

I really believe that though BPD is getting a bit of the spotlight now... .  that the scientific/medical/psychiatric community is someday going to figure it out.  I don't think they've really figured it out yet aside from learning that DBT and a few other therapies work with most (not all).

As I read in one book "they are still in the dark ages when it comes to BPD".

And every day they are learning more about the mysteries of the brain.

None of us were prepared for this were we?

 

[spbpt]

hi everyone

since my ds' suicide attempt at the beginning of the year... .  with zero mental health f/u

[the psychiatrist told me ''I was the problem'' as my son was fine to go home

when the antidote ivs were removed

and I wouldn't come and take him home... .  they agree to keep him a couple of days more to evaluate

znd councel him... .  the only f/u is meds which ds refuses to take]

thankfully my parental coach helps me set boundaries so I can have some sanity in our home... .  

he will not talk to anyone now ... .  we attended attachment therapy for years

together until 2010... .  at 16

[the steps are tiny but so far he is complying slightly to confine his belongings to certain areas]

[qcarolr]

It is exhausting. Esp. when there is a rough patch. But dh and I handle things in new ways so we are pushing her striking out at us less and she gets some balance back more quickly.

Everything that DD has as a dream involves me doing it with her, which usually turns into my doing it for her it not getting done. She will not reach out to ANYONE ELSE for support of these ideas. Like wanting to get her GED (she will need a prep class - I found a free in our community but requires weekly commitment). She wanted to do clothing design - but I was to be the business manager and seamstress and online sales manager.

She has been sidetracked for a year with the DWAI stuff - bond for 10 months, 45 day house arrest (which was actually pretty peaceful for family), now she has lost motivation to comply. She has terrible anxiety about going to jail, has been given notice by her PO to get back on track... .    she tries to blame me for 'not reminding her or making her go'. My reply is I am here to drive you and I remind you and you say 'no, i don't feel like going', or she is not even around or answering her phone. Claims she cannot use her phone alarms or calendar to remember - which could be truth.

I can only do so much. DD has to find it inside somewhere do her part. Deep sadness as I continue to accept this reality. Some joy that things are so much better than in the past.

qcr  

[opheliasmom]

Cfh,

My dwBPD, age 19 still has many of the same traits as her two year old self.  Needy, quick to anger, tantrums, "colic" the only way she would stop crying was to be swaddled and put in a swinging chair.  Impulsive, at four she was riding her hotwheel off of a five foot deck, laughing as she was being chased.  Her core personality has not changed, though she does show some insight into her behavior and mood swings.  The more I learn about BPD, the more I can see the red flag behaviors through all her stages of childhood.  Hindsight is 20/20

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[spbpt]

also his sibling 3 years older is autistic and was very violent for years so ''much was masked'' by that

... .  even as a young child, friends and relatives commented how defiant ds was

but the general home violence made life difficult all the time... .  at 19 he has

very poor insight and cooperation with appropriate self care activities... .  

Susan

[mggt]

HI all this all sounds too familiar my d was  also adopted at five days old birtmother did drugs drank and everthing else so who knows if this helped along the BPD .  I always thought nurture vs nature would win out everytime how naive  of me.  My d now has a daughter 1 years old and so far is nothing like her mom. My d  is totally out of control now  and  I am  at the end of my rope.  We have my gd four days a week thank god and our d just moved back in with us it has been  terrible she is so mean nasty especially with me her mom  I cant  take  this much longer .  Not sure what to do but thankful we have our gd four days a week