help for myself and my adult child

[pjs]

It seems that his crises are more frequent, and I feel tapped out. After he tells me all sorts of scary thoughts and feelings he has, his pain lessens for now and I am left feeling upset the whole day. I need options.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

I am sorry to hear this for you.

Have you read any of the tools on the right?

How old is you child? 

It sounds like you are identifying a pattern:

He has a crisis... .he vents scary things to you... he is fine... .you are left upset.

Can you identify which part of this cycle you can change for yourself?

[livednlearned]

Hi pjs,

It is so hard when our kids are struggling, it can take a toll on our own well-being and mental health. How old is your son? What do you think might be triggering the more frequent crises? Does he live with you?

There is a very effective skill for communicating with pwBPD (it works for everyone!) called validation. It's a way to help our loved ones reflect on their thinking and learn to solve problems for themselves. One of my favorite resources is You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better. Have you heard of this book? We also have material about validation on our site, including in the side bar menu to the right ------>

Please let us know how you're doing, and let us know more when you feel comfortable.

LnL 

[pjs]

I appreciate the feedback. Our son is 32 y.o. He lives nearby.  For years he was treated for other disorders, depression, anxiety,bi-polar .  It is only within the last two months that I found information on DBT and that in all likelihood he has BPD.  As to why it's worse recently, I think due to a relationship breakup and being contacted by his biological family.  My husband and I are seeing a DBT therapist, and reading and watching videos.  There is a lot to learn.

[lbjnltx]

You are really ahead in the game if your adopted son opens up to you about his thoughts and feelings.

Options for you to cope with this:

Validation (as livednlearned mentioned)

Asking validating questions (you can learn that here as taught in the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" to lead him towards solutions

Learning not to own his feelings for him

Mindfulness (staying in the moment as taught in DBT)

Using SET (support empathy truth statements as taught here)

Radical Acceptance and the dialectical dilemma (also taught in DBT)

It's great that you are getting support from a therapist and learning about DBT.  The most powerful tool at your disposal is the ability to model skills for your son while benefitting from them yourselves.

lbjnltx

[pjs]

Thank you for the very thoughtful feedback and suggestions. I will get the book mentioned. I really do struggle with his painful feelings. Since I have been learning how to respond better,and using mindfulness, I have become aware that when he is in intense pain, I have such a strong desire to take away that pain. In the past that feeling has lead to my husband and I bailing him out financially and offering "help" with many situations.  He has been so stressed and immobilized that we have wanted to lessen his burden. So many things stress him out. I am beginning to see that our responses have done nothing to help him find ways to cope with his emotional dysregulation.

[lbjnltx]

It's hard to watch our kids suffer.

We too need to increase our distress tolerance through the use of skills so that we become supporters vs rescuers.  It appears to me that you are on your way to doing just that.

[Rapt Reader]

It really does sound like you are starting to get to that place where you can detach with love from your son's troubles, pjs. I, also, got so caught up and entangled with my BPD son's traumas and problems that his dysregulated life became my own at one point. I misinterpreted my love for him as needing to be responsible for his health and happiness--probably because deep down I erroneously thought it was my fault he had these troubles--prior to his BPD diagnosis.

Every link to the right-hand side of this page will give you insights and advice on how to extricate yourself from all of his stuff, and improve your relationship with him and your own life. One book, if you haven't read it, "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, really helped me to get back to myself again in a way that was loving to both my son and myself. I do recommend it, along with the other publications mentioned on this site (here: Book Reviews).

I'm really sorry that you and your family are going through so much pain, but so happy you found us, pjs 

[pjs]

At this point, I feel I am a long way from increasing my distress tolerance. I am doing reading,watching videos etc,doing some relaxation techniques.my emotions are still on heightened alert. Seeing his phone number come up sets off my feelings of fear,anticipating the newest crisis . I can so clearly see how consumed I am with his well being,his pain.

[lbjnltx]

In my experience I learned 2 very important things about myself and my anxiety associated with communicating with my daughter.

1. my anxiety was driven by lack of effectiveness and fears for both of our futures... .nothing I tried "worked"

2. my anxiety was driven by past experiences of abusiveness from my daughter (projection, threats towards me and self)

Is this something you can relate to?

[pjs]

Yes,I agree that my anxiety is in large part fear for his and my future,past unsuccessful results, fears that this issue will have dire consequences,and hearing someone in so much pain.i fear that this will be his life and our life. I will continue to learn and implement the things I am learning. It sounds like I'm a long way from really getting to a way for this not to consume me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I had to first set boundaries around verbal abuse and threats to create a safe space for myself to learn and practice the skills taught here. A lot of my anxiety was relieved once I did this.  That may not be the case for you pjs.

More anxiety was relieved when I was able to make the best choices for myself and my daughter's communication.  There is great value in knowing that you, as a parent, are responding in healthy ways for yourself and your child/adult child.  This is not the same as changing them.  We don't have that power... .what we can do is our best to create opportunities for them through skills modeling.   At the very least we benefit. 

This is all a process that can't be rushed and it will look different for each of us.  Once I started thinking in a more circular (less linear) way I was able to accept what I cannot change and change what I could.  I came here looking for a way to help my child and what I found was that I had to help myself first. I had to do for myself first what I was wanting my daughter to do:

Get a grip on emotions

Work from facts, not emotions

Make healthy life choices

Set boundaries

Take responsibility for thoughts/behaviors

Let go of the past to have a better future

The journey was not easy and the rewards are huge.


lbj

[pjs]

Since implementing mindfulness, I can so clearly see ways I responded that were not helpful. I also see the difficulty I have in learning to relax. I'm glad I found this path.