Any one with suggestions

[angeldust1]

It has been quite some time since I have been with you,  my friends at the helpline.  As some of you know my son has been estranged from me for almost two years.  There is little for me to talk about, obviously... .I have been reading "Stop walking on Eggshells."  It has take me some time to read it because if I were not crying over the sadness of the disorder,  I was trying to absorb some of the suggestions and ways to cope,  handle and defuse  him... .

I can understand why God has given me these two years to heal and learn with what I have dealt with for over 40 years.  The book is overwhelming,  and at the same time a lifesaver.  But it never seems to really address the isolation issue,  I deal with.  Some say I should be happy,  those are the people that do not have a BPD adult child.   While I know I still have much learning to do,  I want so desperately to use my newly found skills to speak with my son,  I have no way of doing so,  if he is so isolated.  It is Christmas,  I would love to see him,  which at this point,  I don't believe I will.  This is the third Christmas I will celebrate without my only son,  and IT HURTS,  IT REALLY REALLY HURTS.  But on another note,  I do not miss the behavior,  the drama, the crazies... .but I miss the person so much.

  What should I do?  Do I just let another Christmas go by,  and hope that something will give,  or do I reach out and try once again.  In addition,  I have sent him cards and checks for every birthday and Christmas.  Which has gone unacknowledged every single time.  The checks are not cashed and not a word of thanks. I am assuming it is not enough money or I would possibly get acknowledged.  Money usually gets his attention,  but my only issue is that,  I'm just going to buy his love.  He is a successful man in his job and has a nice home,  and car.  But relationships ughhhhhhhhhhh! It's one relationship after another. He was married in a whirlwind of a marriage for 12 years to a wonderful girl,  but as one could guess,  she had had enough.  I UNDERSTAND! Then married again,  and after a whopping (1 week) he was talking divorce,  in light of a $10,000 wedding. (He paid for)! It was then obvious to me he had a real problem,  and I began searching for answers.  Here is where I landed and glad I did.

But once again,  do I reach out and send another under answered card with another check.  Or do I just let Christmas slide by again. 

So sad,  what a sad disorder,  do I just leave well enough alone,  and cry myself to sleep. Or do I accept that this is the fate I must deal with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluebell7]

Hello Angeldust1- I am so so sorry that you are in this situation.  Have you considered contacting a therapist who you could share this situation with and who could give you guidance on what steps would have the best possibility for a positive outcome? 

It sounds like you have an idea of what you are facing, but I think it would be beneficial for you to have personal advice from a professional, experienced in BPD so you can decide what to do and prepare yourself.  Someone who understands your particular situation may be able to explain things and suggest the best steps to take, what responses you could expect and which steps would be good for you.  They could also help you work on your hurts so that emotional energy doesn't invade the next steps and get in the way of healing.  That's been important for me.

My experience with estrangements is that they can take a long time to heal and with little baby steps.  Some need to be accepted and cannot be healed.  But i've needed help from a therapist to accept the choices I had to make to be healthy and whole.  My estrangements were with my uBPD mother in law which started before my divorce.  Father in law, too.  My X is estranged from one of our 3 daughters (because he doesn't take responsibility for his abusiveness).  It was painful and I can't imagine being estranged from my children.  Like you I would never give up and I would look for ways to be understanding even though it is painful.  I'm trying to take steps to prevent this from happening with my 20 year old, so I'm working with a therapist and it's helping us a great deal.  But I know it may happen anyway.

You have my sympathy for what you are going through. 

[co.jo]

Hi Angeldust,

I SO know what you mean. This is my first Christmas with my daughter not speaking to me. She cut off her dad a few years ago, is rejected by 2 of her siblings, and cut me off in July. I thought it might be a relief to not have the drama ,and dread of the phone ringing in the middle of the night, but it is definitely not. It is like a big hole where she should be. I have other children, step, bio and foster. but there is still such a loss.

I have been reading Valerie Porr's book , which I love, and like you  would love to try some of the things to see if we can change our relationship. People have talked of an I'm Sorry letter from her book which I have not gotten to yet, but when I get to that part I will try it.Which is surprising, because I think some part of me always expected my daughter to have some revelation where she apologized to me for everything she had ever done!

I sent off my usual Christmas gifts to her in the end, care of her boyfriend, and signed them all from Santa, which I hope will allow her to swallow her pride and open them. I also sent cash- I don't think she will throw that away.

The one positive thing- it has been a lot cheaper, as I haven't had to bail her out financially for anything ( she is a student), so she must have figured this out on her own. Her last text to me said she didn't want me in her life, but I should know she would be homeless and unemployed by November. Which I know hasn't happened.

It is hard to feel so powerless. I have no advice, just know I totally get how you feel.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello angeldust,

I am so sorry - the holiday season brings our pain to another level... .

Thank you for sharing what's been going on. On that note - you seem to be doing good.  It's a process. There's so much to learn. But I get it - you don't want to wait forever, or till you get a PhD. in BPD, before you speak to your son. And even at that, he is not talking to you, so who knows, if or when, right? 

You ask whether to acknowledge Christmas with a card, or not... .I cannot tell you 'do it' or 'don't do it'.

It might be a good idea to walk through the issues with a therapist, as it is not just about sending a card or not... .

That being said, I want to share with you something I read in a book about estranged and alienated children. It said that us acknowledging birthdays, holidays and significant days is not only something for the child, but also an opportunity for US to affirm our parenthood, and a kind of self-validation of us as parents. Does that ring true for you? Is that something you would like to do for your son BECAUSE you are his mom, regardless of whether he is able to respond appropriately?

[angeldust1]

Actually yes,  I feel I have to at least  make some form of contact  with him at this time.  I also feel if I just send a gift card that means he does not have to acknowledge me at all,  just spend it.  If he cashes a check it means he will know that I know he did. I feel this is important,   So I feel the check is the bet way,  but do I "up" the check,  since I feel he thinks it's too little ( or so I assume) or just continue to send him the same amount.  I'm leaning toward the same amount so he cannot control even this aspect of commitment to him, especially since he does nothing for me in return.  He is 40 yrs old,  will he ever grow up and see life as it is, and know my love for him truly is unconditional,  and stop blaming me for something I never did,  or will this go on forever.

I guess if we knew the answer to that,  we wouldn't need to be here at all.   

My mother always said when in doubt don't. I guess that applies here.

God bless and thanks to all of you for your suggestions.

I have seen a therapist for this for so long,  I don't believe she has any more answers than we do here.

This has to be the most complex of all mental disorders!



Are they psychotic, manipulative, totally abstract in their thinking,  certainly irrational,  or sometimes I feel  just plain mean and have no heart at all.  I wish I knew what is happening and when.

[Gidget]

Angeldust1 I feel your pain and I am so sorry for what you are going thru. This will be the 3rd Christmas I am not spending with my adult daughter and grandkids since her last blow up on me. I to cried day and night until I found this board. I to also felt the only time my daughter loved me and was kind is when she was getting something from me than I was pushed aside with coldness. We have at least had some small contacts with one another at kids soccer and basketball games. I now realized her small attempts to speak was all she was capable of. I to looked for a revelation that she would somehow come to me and confess all the things she did. The can't see them. Although she has at times expressed she was sorry and she was a rotten daughter but the next assault came.

I am slowly understanding her disorder. This Christmas it seems to be a little easier. Since being here I find my days are not filled with crying anymore but gaining knowledge.

I to felt like I tried to buy her love. These last to Xmas's I did not give her a gift. I was very angry that as a single mother she couldn't see how much I struggled to give her all that I did, It hurt. I now decided and realize that love has to be much more than material things. 

I thought this year I would give her something small. I was extremely generous to her and her children. I think I am also in a way trying to show her that I no

longer will keep rewarding her with gifts for a lot of her behavior.



I think I did that a lot when she was young feeling guilty so I bought her gifts.

[Kate4queen]

Why not just send a card? Then he won't feel any obligation to get back to you and yet you will know that you did your best to make contact with him in a way that didn't demand a response.

Sometimes for me part of letting go of my BPD son has been accepting that I can only give him what I can afford to give and not to make it into a 'bargain' i.e. I will do this, if you do this. I just give him what I choose to give him and I don't expect anything in return.

It's very hard though.

[Gidget]

Good advice Kate I think the only thing I always looked for in return was peace and I am beginning to realize that peace is with in me even when it is not around me. I think for the first time I am finding that peace within myself

[angeldust1]

Kate and Gidget,

I am grateful for your suggestions,  I think I have decided to get him a beautiful throw, and have it monogramed ( probably with just his initial, and maybe love Mom) that way he will have something in his house that may give just a hint of love from me. 

A friend of mine gave me one and I just love it.  This way I will have given him something he will actually have in his home,  and  he will see it.  I firmly do not believe he will throw it away or give it away.  It is a very elegant one and will look nice and match.  ( he is also OCD) every thing has to be perfect.  He is,  as I have said,  very accomplished in his job,  nice car and a home nicer than even ours,  newer anyway.   It just makes no sense how a person can be so professional in one area and so deficient in another.  Well HELLO,  BPD

I send him a card each BD and Christmas,  and I even sent him a Thanksgiving card,  this year of course it went unnoticed and un acknowledged. This will at least be something different. 

I stuck my neck out and spoke to his father,  my ex,  and told him he won't even cash my checks,  he is also BPD and Bi polar,  he said ha ha more money for you.  Got a real normal family huh? Thank God my daughter is precious and tries to make up for him... .  but poor darling she has two boys 5 and 7 and has her hands full.  She is just recovering from Cancer,  works full time,  and never has a word of poor poor me, and has a wonderful husband.  THANK YOU LORD!

Before I found this board... .and actually realized what he has,  I went to through shear torture,  as I am sure all of you did.  Trying desperately to figure out what I'd done wrong.  But now,  I remind myself every day I DID NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG.  IT IS A DISORDER AND WILL BE FOREVER.

Merry Christmas to all and thanks again.  It really helps to know others care.

[Gidget]

Dear Angeldust

You sound much better nice idea. I am glad you also have your daughter to help you validate and tell you that you are a great Mom. I only have one child it is very hard when they hate you then want you. I never know what to believe. I am lucky that I have my husband to keep reminding me how good I was to her. I am sorry for your daughter having Cancer I wish her a full recovery. It is hard when they don't even acknowledge us and what we send. Although my daughter always sends thank you cards from the grandchildren she teaches them the right things to bad she doesn't follow what she teaches.

I hope you have a peaceful and great Holiday and one day will spend it with you son. It is torture as parents this board has helped me greatly.

Good Luck

[peaceplease]

angeldust,

I am sorry that this will be your third Christmas without your son.  I know that you don't miss the BPD behavior, but you miss your son that you love. 

  Both of my kids are afflicted with PD.  My son is more NPD and my uBPDd is on the histrionic side.

I am glad that you have your dd.  I hope she has a full recovery. 

I wish you peace.

peace  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peace in steel town]

On the one hand, it's sad to hear what you're going through, but it makes us feel better that we are not alone. Our daughter only calls when she wants something, and I mean 3 calls and a dozen texts, and when things are fine, you don't hear from her for days. Calling us on a good day would be confusing, she says. But you asked for advice. Like all things, you have to take care of your own happiness, and you have to do things for yourself, regardless of the response, or lack thereof, from the other person. This is about you, not them. If sending a card to keep in touch makes you feel better, then do it. If the other person chooses not to respond, then it is their loss, not yours. Time can pass so quickly, and 2 years can become 20,with the gap between you getting wider as time goes on. Send the card and sleep better tonight. You can't do it if the other person passes away.