Sister w/BPD, trying to recover from codependency, guilt issues

[CampingGirl]

Hi I'm glad I found this site! I could use some help. Quick background: my parents died when I was a teenager. Oldest sister is 56 and I am 46. I have had the burden of helping to care for her along with other sister, from whom I am estranged. I have supported her emotionally and financially, to the harm of my marriage. I am recovering, and my husband and I have cut her off financially, and I am pulling back my emotional support about 75% so I can lead a healthier life. My guilt is because she is very poor, can't work, on SSDI.  My husband and I are well off. He hates giving money to her, because she can't manage it and wastes it.
I feel like I am middle aged, tired of taking care of a grown woman, tired of the impact it has on my marriage. It's not fair to me. I need to focus on myself and my marriage. realizing I have been a codependent enabler is hard, and I am in the first steps of recovery.

[Harri]

Hi Camping girl and welcome to the board.

I am sorry to hear about your parents dying, especially when you were so young.  On top of that being the caretaker to your older sister is a lot to deal with and can be incredibly draining and damaging.  I am glad you found us and are reaching out for help and support.  You are not alone and now have a place where you can talk with others who understand and can relate if not to the specifics at least the emotions and difficulties.

What sort of things have you done in the past to support your sister and what changes are you making other than cutting off financial support at this time? 

I hope to hear more from you.  Things can get better and have for a lot of us here.

Again,

[CampingGirl]

Thanks so much for your kind and welcoming words
She only got seriously ill about 15 years ago (about the time of my wedding, interesting right?) and since then I've been her confidante, emotional support, financial support, etc.  I finally came to the conclusion that I have to pull back for my own health. I can't bear the burden of being her emotional support anymore; it's exhausting and I realized that I am ignoring myself. I am cutting back on contact, but I don't want to go NC. She does go to therapy, take medication, etc, she does try hard to get better. I think this is the best she will ever be able to function and I need to accept that.

Anyone else have trouble with giving money to bpd's and feeling like an enabler? or feeling guilty that you are financially stable and they are not?

[Mata]

Hi CampingGirl. 

 

I feel like I am middle aged, tired of taking care of a grown woman, tired of the impact it has on my marriage.

I could have written this, except in relation to my BPD mom.  You are not alone.     I can also relate to feeling guilty about having financial resources, when my mom struggles financially, but also not wanting to give her money.  Over time, I've learned that no matter what I give her, it's never enough.  She is in a situation where her housing, food and medical needs are met.  So, as difficult as it is, I no longer help out financially.  I want to retire someday myself, and my husband certainly deserves to as well.  So I decided I was just no longer willing to leverage our future so she could spend our money.  But it's still hard. 

It sounds like you are on the right track realizing you need to take care of your health and marriage.