dPBD Sister, Also Brother With Traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all. I’m new here. Very grateful this forum exists.

Think I may have been on the site years ago but never registered  or reached out.  I’m looking forward to the much needed mutual support also been looking for a support group for siblings,  no luck finding one so far.

 I definitely desperately need help managing this (these) relationships. I keep stepping on my own toes. Crossing the line or shutting off.  

As an adult with an adult sister who has Borderline PD, I struggle a lot. Even though I’ve read and learned about it, been to individual therapy and with her over the years, I still get caught off guard and have confusions and want to hide from it. I still get thrown and confused and pulled in. I’m really aware and handle things well sometimes. But I pretty much live in protective mode. I feel closed off and angry, I feel like I’ve become an angry person.  The crazy part is, she was diagnosed about 25 years ago. And I still struggle. She’s gone through recovery and DBT and has come a long way. Shes using the skills she learned. I am still reeling snd now feel my own dysfunction next to her calm skills. I know things will be heightened when she’s afraid. She’s been through a lot  and I’ve been on the emotional rollercoaster, I’ve drunk the kool-aid, been in a lot of therapy, learned assertive and boundary skills and then forget and get caught off guard. I have ended up in scary situations, I’ve distanced from her, I’ve seen her go through many episodes of suicidal ideation, and hit bottom. been on the other side of heavy manipulation and what feels like meanness. (Know The I love you, I hate you- well)

I say that for me it’s easier to remember to protect self when she was lashing out than when she’s nice. Very confusing. I go from anger and pulling away to feeling bad. It comes up a lot.

I don’t know how much is my part. I can’t let my guard down. I won’t.

I would imagine my brother would also have a diagnosis of some sort. I’ve been told by 3 therapists that I’m the healthiest of the three of us, which is very confusing to me.  I feel their pain and am also defensive. My brother was estranged for years.

What’s happening now is that we are in our 50 s. None of us married. No children.
They have both done a lot of work on themselves and want relationship. They both are expressing needing family—Me. My sister is asking me if we can make a pact that we will take care of each other as we get older. Yes. She’s afraid. I am too. But as I am working to see if I can muster what’s needed to function and begin to think about what I need that I’m going to end up in caretaker role my whole life. I worry about being alone Also and how to even manage a relationship w this dynamic.

I feel bad. Horribly bad feeling that I’m pulling away from them. Have such hard time on phone. She’s asking me to answer when she calls or give her a time I’ll call her back. I know it’s her need. Just feels controlling and energy draining.

Still get confused about what to do snd not to do. What’s normal and what’s not. What to apologize for and what to protect myself against. I fear regret of not being closer w them. But that’s also created a trap.

And, have always worried about how if manage in and protect a relationship if I ever have one.

With work they have done can at least talk to them but feel the tendencies and and my fears kick in

We are having situations now where she’s leaving in tears because I reacted to her questioning me.  She’s saying I’m abusive. Ignoring her.

Have that angry defensive pulling away then feel bad and sad and want to reconcile it. But then feel extremely vulnerable. Have such hard time finding. Remembering boundaries.

Feel like I really need help. Support. Guidance. Kindness. From those who know. What are you doing?

She just told me I’m abusive. She can’t keep losing sleep because I hurt her. If I wasn’t someone she cared about she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.  Ugh. She doesn’t understand why that’s upsetting. Feels like constant vulnerable. Keep allowing self to get hooked on don’t want to talk to her sometimes at all. She my upsetting her is Going to send her backward. Huge trigger for her. Doesn’t know how I could do this if care about her. She has no idea what she’s doing and that I’ve been here a million times with her. And am closed to it  to me it’s here we go again

Thank you for listening.

Looking forward to the dialogue and support.

[Siblings123]

Hello all. I’m new here. Very grateful this forum exists.

Think I may have been on the site years ago but never registered  or reached out.  I’m looking forward to the much needed mutual support also been looking for a support group for siblings,  no luck finding one so far.

 I definitely desperately need help managing this (these) relationships. I keep stepping on my own toes. Crossing the line or shutting off.  

As an adult with an adult sister who has Borderline PD, I struggle a lot. Even though I’ve read and learned about it, been to individual therapy and with her over the years, I still get caught off guard and have confusions and want to hide from it. I still get thrown and confused and pulled in. I’m really aware and handle things well sometimes. But I pretty much live in protective mode. I feel closed off and angry, I feel like I’ve become an angry person.  The crazy part is, she was diagnosed about 25 years ago. And I still struggle. She’s gone through recovery and DBT and has come a long way. Shes using the skills she learned. I am still reeling snd now feel my own dysfunction next to her calm skills. I know things will be heightened when she’s afraid. She’s been through a lot  and I’ve been on the emotional rollercoaster, I’ve drunk the kool-aid, been in a lot of therapy, learned assertive and boundary skills and then forget and get caught off guard. I have ended up in scary situations, I’ve distanced from her, I’ve seen her go through many episodes of suicidal ideation, and hit bottom. been on the other side of heavy manipulation and what feels like meanness. (Know The I love you, I hate you- well)

I say that for me it’s easier to remember to protect self when she was lashing out than when she’s nice. Very confusing. I go from anger and pulling away to feeling bad. It comes up a lot.

I don’t know how much is my part. I can’t let my guard down. I won’t.

I would imagine my brother would also have a diagnosis of some sort. I’ve been told by 3 therapists that I’m the healthiest of the three of us, which is very confusing to me.  I feel their pain and am also defensive. My brother was estranged for years.

What’s happening now is that we are in our 50 s. None of us married. No children.
They have both done a lot of work on themselves and want relationship. They both are expressing needing family—Me. My sister is asking me if we can make a pact that we will take care of each other as we get older. Yes. She’s afraid. I am too. But as I am working to see if I can muster what’s needed to function and begin to think about what I need that I’m going to end up in caretaker role my whole life. I worry about being alone Also and how to even manage a relationship w this dynamic.

I feel bad. Horribly bad feeling that I’m pulling away from them. Have such hard time on phone. She’s asking me to answer when she calls or give her a time I’ll call her back. I know it’s her need. Just feels controlling and energy draining.

Still get confused about what to do snd not to do. What’s normal and what’s not. What to apologize for and what to protect myself against. I fear regret of not being closer w them. But that’s also created a trap.

And, have always worried about how if manage in and protect a relationship if I ever have one.

With work they have done can at least talk to them but feel the tendencies and and my fears kick in

We are having situations now where she’s leaving in tears because I reacted to her questioning me.  She’s saying I’m abusive. Ignoring her.

Have that angry defensive pulling away then feel bad and sad and want to reconcile it. But then feel extremely vulnerable. Have such hard time finding. Remembering boundaries.

Feel like I really need help. Support. Guidance. Kindness. From those who know. What are you doing?

She just told me I’m abusive. She can’t keep losing sleep because I hurt her. If I wasn’t someone she cared about she wouldn’t talk to me anymore.  Ugh. She doesn’t understand why that’s upsetting. Feels like constant vulnerable. Keep allowing self to get hooked on don’t want to talk to her sometimes at all. She my upsetting her is Going to send her backward. Huge trigger for her. Doesn’t know how I could do this if care about her. She has no idea what she’s doing and that I’ve been here a million times with her. And am closed to it  to me it’s here we go again

Thank you for listening.

Looking forward to the dialogue and support.

[Turkish]

We are having situations now where she’s leaving in tears because I reacted to her questioning me.  She’s saying I’m abusive. Ignoring her.

How did you react? We have lots of tools here to help better communicate with people with BPD. We can help 

Initiating a pact to take care of each other as you age isn't a bad thing, but with a pwBPD, that might be a huge challenge.

[Siblings123]

I will drink in the information and tools. I know that will help. I was reading something here about being prepared ahead. I had worked on that years ago with a therapist who since retired. I realized without the continual practice snd guidance, and the fact that before I really needs to be on my guard and be ready all the time. Now she’s not as constantly at me. She’s doing do much better and still the tendencies are there.

And I am also feeling that in addition to tools I have a lot of anger and emotions to work through. I still feel cautious as I really think it’s smart snd I need to be but I do know that s as lep confusing to know when I’m over it under reacting.

I was also in an emotionally raw place that day and it felt like she came at me harshly snd as I told her I think I didn’t handle it well. And probably   overreacted. But I also am really sensitive to feeling what feels like tight control against her comfort levels.
On that day, I realized after the fact and told her I think we both reacted out of our sensitivity.

We were on a walk with my Mom. We were trying to help my Mom with a car buying purchase. We didn’t see eye to eye, which is ok. She’s logical (an engineer) and I’m more emotional. I was trying to be understanding of my Moms feelings snd hesitations. In the end her straightforwardness helped my Mom but in the moment, and on that particular day it felt like she was putting down what I was saying snd was just feeling a little harsh. Was getting hard for me to listen to. I’ve been trying to be aware snd note when things come up. I started to jot it down in my phone and she started questioning me about who I was texting and what I was doing, which I definitely  didn’t want to tell her. I just remember telling her that I’m. It used to being questioned like this. (She does same with her boyfriend and said he gets upset with her too which I think just compounds it).

I agree that bring on phone can feel off putting. I do try to be present. I do t typically do this when we are walking snd felt regally controlling and familiar.

We were together at her house for Mother’s Day yesterday. And I was very conscious to try to stay off my phone. But took it out to take pictures. Then was replying to a few texts. (Was enjoying connection-Lots of happy Mother’s Day text activity yesterday) she asked if I could please not be on phone.

Then little later... she got on hers! Ugh. Just familiar feelings of double edge sword situations that dominated our relationship growing up. Familiar feelings of me caring, doing what I could, doing right thing to not upset her, then feeling she can do whatever unapologetically. This isn’t as common any more but it’s an emotional trigger for me. .

I know this example may seem trite compared to the extreme situations we can find ourselves in. Again, I think way I’m feeling and my mood play in to it too of course.

Also— about the pact. On one hand of course I’d live to be in that type of situation and have that peace of mind. But as I’ve learned over snd over this isn’t a normal  as l situation and I fear losing myself completely. As you said. It would be extremely challenging. As it is I work very hard to keep friends separate, have had too many bad experiences. My family has extreme enmeshment snd I’m not always comfortable w her friends.

She is on disability and Ive been very fortunate to have been with the same company for 15 years. She has been asking how much I have in retirement. Also a huge fear trigger. Just yesterday she said I have more money than her. Is she judging? And she has no idea what I do or don’t have. She and her boyfriend own 3 properties including the one they live  in. I said we don’t know what each other have. We all chose to spend our money on different things. I try not to get hooked in but I do.

A cousin who was really a clear-headed compassionate person, one of my favorite people (passed a few years ago) came to have lunch after my dad passed, she looked me in the eye and said you better get your sister used to the fact now that you won’t be supporting her in retirement”  that’s stuck with me also.

Snd again she is now in a very different place at the moment. I often have so much guilt not making the pact at the moment because something could happen any time and I’d love to give her this peace of mind. I know it might sound bad to some that I’m unable to agree to this right now. I also worry that I’ll be completely alone. And guilt that she gives me that peace of mind but at the moment I can’t return it. I think if have to do a lot of work snd feel very different and prepared.
And I’m sure the newly gained tools and skills will help.

When she told me skills she learned in DBT. I said oh, I need those. I reached out to the place she went, but ran in to insurance.

Other thing that has me triggered about this is I was there for my Fad consistently thru years of being in and out of the hospital. Helping care for him. Where were my siblings?  Niw I’m with my Mom. I’m not complaining (or am I—haha). I love my Mom. We help each other. 
I am the youngest. I am the caretaker role.

I battle with feeling I’m being wrong snd not realistic and what am I doing. By backing away from this pact and then part of me thinks I have to approach it this way and am smart. My brother has said he may be needing help too. May have medical issue. 

I found an email my Dad had written as a family update to a friend. He said I was taking care of him, my sister, and my brother and doing my own work (was freelancing after a layoff) and he didn’t know how I did it all. I didn’t remember that. He snd my brother had surgeries at same time i remember.

I also remember taking my sister to her ordered inpatient every day and waiting for her. Only to have her swallow a handful of pills in front of me while we  waited in a room for a consultation.  They wanted to ask her questions to confirm she was borderline not bipolar. We were standing on opposite sides of a door looking through a window both crying.

Just more background.

So, of course, there’s a lot behind my fears and hesitations as I’m sure you know well.

I have not been living. I have been trading water. And this is also my own tendencies. I’m in the process of also exploring and learning about my own undiagnosed ADD challenges.

I love my sister. I’m grateful she’s alive first and foremost. I love my brother and am grateful for the work he’s don’t too (someone just used the movie line that he’s like a gremlin he comes with a lot of instructions—because he has a very low comfort level and mistrust). We all have this sensitivity snd defensiveness and trust issues with each other.

At one tome I had lost hope of having any relationship with them. I’m grateful we can. Just have to figure out how snd how much so it can truly be good.