I don't have that much power. We each make our own choices. You are making your own choices
Those are three very important and memorable sentences.
I truly don't want to diminish their importance by speaking of choice in greater detail.
Like your DD, my SD is chosing not to work towards specific goals. My SD will not put forth the effort to look for a job and thus is jobless. If she fills out a single job application per week we are ahead of the game. She accepts a lower standard of control over her life with this choice.
I am conflicted and wonder if my SD's choices, so motivated by fear, are really choices. So much fear of the unknown (if she gets a job she will be the new girl, she won't know how they do things, what if nobody likes her), poor self-esteem hidden by bravado keeps my girl from really being able to choose her path with the same direction and power I know in my own life.
She cannot free herself with reason. I can remind her that she has conquered these fears before but she won't assure herself. She knows that when she is carefully guided, if she gives her hand to be held, she has fewer troubles, her confidence builds and she wants that comfort but it isn't realistic, it's co-dependant, it's a really bad idea. I think she feels like if she doesn't have a hand to hold, there will never be another hand offered. She bites at you when you try to move her, try to say something that might get her over her own paralysis.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Struggling. Last night SD called and said, "I'm going to ask you for money."
She phrases this in such an interesting way. Today she will say,
"Remember my call from last night? Yeah, I'm going to need to ask for that."
The phrasing allows her not to really ask for it, going to need to... . if she keeps this as an idea sometime in the future she might not feel so ashamed to do it.
On Monday last week she started driving an AA fellow to and from work. The deal was 40.00 per day for the two trips and gasoline whenever she needed it. She has no bills. For reasons we don't know (she is secretive) he no longer will be paying her to do this but last week she made 200.00 and had her gasoline paid for. But by Sunday night she is calling and asking for money.
Her justification will be that she hasn't asked for awhile. Oddly, sometimes this works on my husband. I didn't have the heart to ask him if he is going to give her any money. He probably won't. He will probably let her come over and do work but not until the weekend.
She is stuck. This is the same girl who had a major addiction to benzos and got herself sober. She has had jobs. She's been a long term employee before.
Until she gets a job her life on her own doesn't begin. This is a half-life she is living. But look at it. She's having a ball! And she has an entourage of folks willing to hold her hand... . kindof like your DD's homeless troop.
Sorry for the hijack.
Thursday
