DD14 in RTC - Continuation

[raytamtay3]

As expected, DH is on a war path.  The rule of the RTC is a request for visitation is to be received every Thursday prior to Saturday stating the time you are coming. It states in the handbook, and I've told my ex before, that if you are more than 15 minutes late for your scheduled visit you will be turned away.  EX told RTC that he would be there at 12.

Saturday I get a call from ex that he was turned away. He got there at 1:00 and the CM, who supervises the sessions, was leaving. He said he went off screaming and yelling and through the stuff he brought for DD. Real classy.  I understand he was angry for driving over an hour to get there and being turned away, but rules are rules. It really urks me that here we are trying to teach DD how to follow rules yet he feels we shouldn't have to!

He wants ME to call and complain for him! Um, no.

Reminder to self - you can't make a parent be a good parent... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Ray... . I think this is good to be a good learning experience for your ex too!

[raytamtay3]

Why can't I ever have any peace? I just received an e-mail that DD had to go to the ER and receive stiches near her eye after a peer hit her for her calling her a snitch! What the heck! This is the third time my DD has been assaulted at this RTC. I want her out. I can't take this crap anymore. I want to try someplace else. I do not feel she is safe at this current place.

Thing is, there aren't any places around me that I know anything about. Gloucester County, Burlington County area. Does anyone know of any place?

[Elbry]

I'm pretty new here to the boards and I don't post much because I am still learning and I don't want to give someone wrong advice, but I have to say something to you Ray. I have stayed quiet on this topic for a couple reasons.  One is because I am just about to send my DD to a RTC and so I can't speak from experience.  Two is that there are many people who here who respond to you that are experienced and that have advice for you and I defer to them usually. I have followed both of your threads about your daughters RTC and it seems to me you have done everything you can to keep her in there.  You have given chance after chance to the RTC, to the staff, to your daughter.  You have erred on the side of caution and have avoided being manipulated by your DD. 

When is enough, enough?  I think you are right to want her out and want her someplace safe.  This place sounds TERRIBLE to me and makes me nervous about sending my own DD to a RTC.  It does not sound even MINIMALLY therapeutic, it sounds chaotic and violent, and the staff sound barely if at all competent.  I know I'm a big softie and that is the biggest problem I have in dealing with my own DD, but for the sake of the God's, stitches in her face?  I'm with you Ray, I would be so done.

[raytamtay3]

I'm pretty new here to the boards and I don't post much because I am still learning and I don't want to give someone wrong advice, but I have to say something to you Ray. I have stayed quiet on this topic for a couple reasons.  One is because I am just about to send my DD to a RTC and so I can't speak from experience.  Two is that there are many people who here who respond to you that are experienced and that have advice for you and I defer to them usually. I have followed both of your threads about your daughters RTC and it seems to me you have done everything you can to keep her in there.  You have given chance after chance to the RTC, to the staff, to your daughter.  You have erred on the side of caution and have avoided being manipulated by your DD. 

When is enough, enough?  I think you are right to want her out and want her someplace safe.  This place sounds TERRIBLE to me and makes me nervous about sending my own DD to a RTC.  It does not sound even MINIMALLY therapeutic, it sounds chaotic and violent, and the staff sound barely if at all competent.  I know I'm a big softie and that is the biggest problem I have in dealing with my own DD, but for the sake of the God's, stitches in her face?  I'm with you Ray, I would be so done.

Hi Elbry. Yeah, I've been trying hard to keep an open mind and I tend to listen to others who have experience and also I keep questioning myself if I'm just being a softy as well, and am indeed trying to rescue her. But I'm highly concerned over the amount of violence that takes place there.  My DD went through a period not even two years ago where she loved the thrill of fighting. Got off on the adrenaline rush that comes from fighting. She got away from that and has made tremendous strides in that area. Now she's back to loving it! She is tough. She does not back down no matter how big a person is. I'm really afraid something even worse if going to happen there. But now she says she doesn't want to leave. But it's because she's afraid she'll have to start her time over again. I'm still putting feelers out for some place else.  Don't let my experience deter you from getting your DD help. She needs it big time. Mine has a lot of behavioural issues in conjunction with BPD, so our challenges are very difficult. Not that anybody's elses aren't. But your DD would probably do well at a place that works with youth on more of the suicidal spectrum whereas my DD needs to work on her anger and reaction to situations wherein she will lash out. She isn't suicidal.

[raytamtay3]

We had court this morning for the incident that took place in March wherein it was alledged DD spit in a staff member's face. It was dismissed without prejudice.  The judge commented on DD's cut on her temple (it wasn't her eye afterall) and addressed her RTC CM because she was highly concerned. The CM said the youth who assaulted was detained and will not be coming back to the program, which satisfied the judge. The girl aged out of the program anyway as she just turned 18... .

DD called me last night and I was expecting her to be emotional over having to get stiches and all, but she was bragging about how she still won the fight! How now everyone there knows they cannot mess with her.    I honestly do not know where my DD gets this tough girl attitude because I am so passive. Her father is all bark and no bite. DD is both bark and bite! As mentioned in my response to Elbry, DD said she wants to stay there now. Said she has been telling me how horrible it was and I didn't believe her and that now she wants to just get her time in and get out without starting over if going to another program. I, on the otherhand, still think I might want her out because now she's back to liking aggression. She is a camelion (sp) in that she takes on the personality of those around her. And she is around girls who come from bad bad homes, who are tough girls who if you look at them the wrong way will kick your butt. So she's back to that again.

Despite this, she looked great. She seems happy. Our lawyer and the judge even commented on it.  She is taking on a leader roll at the RTC and is overseeing restoring an old gazebo on the camp by faciliating it being sanded down, repainted and flowers planted around it. As mentioned, she's always been a good leader.

When you get a bunch of tough girls together, there is bound to be drama and a fight for dominarance. These girls see this pretty little girl and think they can intimidate her. Boy are they wrong. Secretly I love this about her. I was always the type who tried to get out of fights. Had one in my entire life. I hate fighting. I get scared. . My first defense is to cry when I get really angry. So I can appreciate the fact she doesn't let people walk all over her. But it's got to be majorly toned down before she gets seriously hurt or killed.

So I'm back to not really knowing what's the best choice.

[Kate4queen]

I'm not criticizing you in any way because I think you are an amazingly strong woman and mother but I'm just wondering, if you move her, won't she face exactly the same kind of juveniles in any other RTC? The reason these kids are in there is because they all have issues, right? So the same problems are likely to come up over and over again.

If she's settled AND and this is the big 'and', is making progress in the right areas that you and the team want, as opposed to persuading everyone around to her way of thinking (what my BPD son does), would she be better off staying put?

[peaceplease]

raytamtay,

I am sorry that this RTC does not meet your expectations.  It does sound like her therapist left a lot to be desired.  Have you considered other facilities that may be good, but not in your area?  Even out of state?  Does insurance pay for any of this?  I know that lbjnltx's daughter had a successful stay at Falcon Ridge.   You may have read her thread.  Her story is so inspiring!

My adult daughter is a hellion, too!  Always ready to fight, never afraid to spout of what she thinks to anyone.  I am like you, on the passive side.  Although, my ex husband(her bio dad) was like that, too.  I m the polar opposite!  Prior to the fourth grade, my daughter was timid, then she did a 180!

I hope things improve for you!

peaceplease

[raytamtay3]

DS7 is with exh this week. DS has been written up at the after school program for things like making noises and not listening. Yesterday he got written up when, after being told not to, went down the sliding board head first. This write up was the final one and he was suspended for two days from the after school program. Exh was able to get it reduced to him sitting out for the next two days at the program.  What bothers me is how he handled addressing this with our son. At first I was very impressed with how he handled it after he told me he took television away, put his toys in a bag and hid them away and made him go to bed after dinner around 7.  But then he proceeded to tell me he went off screaming and hollaring when they got home and took a wooden food tray and threw it down the basement steps causing it to break in peaces! WTH is wrong with that man? He is trying to intimidate DS to behave because he doesn't believe in spanking. I'm beside myself. That is how he would get when he and I would argue as well with DD when she would get in trouble. Gee... . can't imagine where DD gets the throwing stuff against the wall deal came from!    He also is now feeling incredibly guilty. As is his history and if history repeates itself, will go out of his way "to make things right" by DS. Thereby causing even more confusion to DS!

[lever.]

For some reason your ex is finding it very difficult to be consistent and as you are well aware this won't help your son at all.

Will your ex read?

It isn't in the remit of this board but I do think Carolyn Webster-Stratton's book would help.

Also there is a danger that going to far down the negative consequences route could be counter-productive. I think qcr mentioned some good resources on another thread.

This is a lot to handle with everything else you have going on but turning things round early could make a big difference to your son.

I used to work with younger children and families and the groups based on Webster-Stratton's book had very good outcomes for under 8s

[raytamtay3]

So this past Saturday I went for my weekly visit with DD. I brought her some things she asked for and Taco Bell for us for lunch. It was a very nice visit. She was pleasant and spoke very intelligently, as she does, and asked if she would be able to come home when school starts in September. I told her if she did well at the center and really showed improvement, I would highly consider it. She literally breathed a sigh of relief and said how that made her feel so much better…

Last night I got a call from the RTC CM.  Apparently DD has a crush on a boy at the boy’s camp which is located across the grounds from the girl’s camp. About 10 yards.  Saturday night DD was caught trying to sneak out of her bedroom window and needed to be restrained. Sunday night, around 9:30, there was a code blue at the boy’s camp. Apparently both camps can hear when there is a code blue. It was said that DD started putting on her sneakers to leave the out of the house to go check out what was going on and her house mates even tried to get her to stop saying it wasn’t worth it. Somehow she got out and she, another girl and three boys from the boy’s camp took off into the woods and didn’t resurface until 5:00 am the next morning! State troopers were called but they weren’t able to find them. Of course rumor has it that they had sex. And DD is not on birth control…

So, once again, DD dug her own grave. She has yet to get off of orientation there.  The CM is a tough cookie as I think I had mentioned before. She has told me how DD is the most challenging client she’s had, as has her new therapist. But she still took a liking to her because despite her behavior, DD is very charming and has sweetness about her. So she reels people in with that part of her personality. In fact, the CM told me how she had planned on taking a few of the girls, DD included, out this weekend as a treat even though DD is still on orientation. Well of course that is out. So DD dug herself a grave with the CM too who up until this point, she had wrapped around her finger. But that’s done.

As I’ve said before, it’s times like these that make me feel so much better knowing I did the right thing by putting her in an RTC. Every single out patient place she’s gone to has not witnessed this side of her and would questions we, the parents.

Unreal.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Hey Ray

I just wanted to tell you my dd ran away from her RTC too after we had had really good visit. I am glad you are taking it so well. I cried all night and my husband drove the streets looking for her. I will tell you it was one of the lowest points for us as a family. My dd and your dd sound pretty similar in that way. My dd can fool people and even after all these years she can still fool me at times. I am glad you are doing okay and feel better about where she is placed. This will take time so hang on. Know you did the right thing... .

[raytamtay3]

Hey Ray

I just wanted to tell you my dd ran away from her RTC too after we had had really good visit. I am glad you are taking it so well. I cried all night and my husband drove the streets looking for her. I will tell you it was one of the lowest points for us as a family. My dd and your dd sound pretty similar in that way. My dd can fool people and even after all these years she can still fool me at times. I am glad you are doing okay and feel better about where she is placed. This will take time so hang on. Know you did the right thing... .

They called me after the fact; after she resurfaced. Otherwise I'd probably be a wreck too! That is another red flag though. She took off around 9:30 pm Sunday night and didn't come back until 5 am yesterday, yet I didn't get a call about it until 6 PM last night.  

[jellibeans]

I think that is a blessing Ray... . really I was worried sick when my dd was gone and there really wasn't anything I could do about it. The people at the RTC were not even looking ofr her nor were the police. They finally found them at 3am just walking the streets. This RTC is in a small college town and there was a big game that night. Students were in the street partying etc... . I was terrified something would happen to her. I would rather have not known if I could go back in time.

Ask them for your run away protocol... . that should be in writing somewhere. What numbers you can call after hours etc... . did you get a parent handbook? These are things that should have been spelled out for you very clearly. Not that I got that either when my dd was in RTC.

At least she is back at the center... . my dd has a real fight or flight impulse... . her plan to run away was not last minute... . she was wearing a sweater and it was very hot that day but she knew she would be out all night. One of the girls she ran away with shot herself to death a couple of months ago once she got out of RTC so I count myself lucky I still have my dd in my world.

Hang in there... . try not to worry... . take care of yourself.

[Being Mindful]

While my D. was in RTC, she got her two front teeth knocked out. We didn't find out about it until many, many hours later.

[raytamtay3]

Will your ex read?

God I wish! But sadly, no.

[pessim-optimist]

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