Both sons out of control because of recreational drugs are they BPD?

[Calm Waters]

Hi I haven't posted for a while partly because my life has become so utterly overwhelmed by both of my sons. Just as we are starting to recover from my oldest sons near death due to suicide whilst high almost exactly a year ago my younger son has become psychotic whilst withdrawing from the modern scourge known as skunk in the uk. Its been a year of absolute hell that just keeps getting worse. My older son has now moved in with a young girl who grew up with alcoholic parents, her father has just died of liver failure at 57 due to alcoholism and she is struggling, my son is trying to support her but is ill equipped as he is still under mental health service care, no firm diagnosis but constant rumination about the past violent outburst, suicidal ideation still. The younger one is at home and its intolerable, he is paranoid,violent and abusive never had a job since he left school 4 years ago and despite our best efforts has smoked skunk constantly for 4 years. mental health services here in the uk are at crisis due to this savagely cruel government and i feel suicidal myself t times. Its like a maze from which there is no escape. On top of that my brother has terminal cancer and is trying to care for my 93 year old father who has dementia, i should be helping but i don't have the capacity. My life has become a daily living hell!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

I am so sorry. This is a great place to vent and to get great advice.

[Rapt Reader]

Calm Waters, I'm so sorry for all the tragedy you are dealing with    It's got to be so tough right now, and I do know the pain of having a grown child with a drug addiction and suicidal ideations... .It's one of the most painful things to deal with, in my opinion.

How are you taking care of yourself? I'm so sorry that you are also feeling suicidal at times--Do you have any support for your well-being? Someone to talk to in person (or even a HelpLine phone number)? Do you feel safe? Do you have anyone in your life to share your burdens?

I'd like to suggest that you check out this link: Safety First. It really is good with tips and advice on protecting yourself and being prepared if circumstances warrant it in the future. This Workshop: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men would also be helpful with dealing with your younger son, and his outbursts and dysregulations in case they get out of hand and you become concerned.

How are you today? Are you in any position to find a support system in your area? A family member, Church family, Doctor, Therapist, etc.? In the meantime, we are here for you, Calm Waters, and want to help as best we can  

[Calm Waters]

thanks, we are getting some support from the mental health crisis and early intervention in psychosis teams but its limited, we are attending a support group and we have our own friends network as well as a clinical psychologist  but even though it sounds a lot we are under 24/7 pressure that is really taking its toll emotionally and financially. I don't know what more we could do short of divorcing our children? or going back to before they were born and starting again. As a parent one is duty bound to keep searching for a solution to this craziness but it just keeps coming, there may be quiet moments and lulls but one knows that the volcano could go off at any time. I just want some peace in my later years not the constant battering now which is so similar to what i experienced as a child with my BPD parents - it just seems unfair but hey thats life, this BPD stuff just seems to keep reverberating through the generations creating mayhem.

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

This is really though what's going on with your sons. I can definitely see how this could take such a toll on you. How are things now?

I am also sorry to hear that about your brother being so sick. That also is very difficult to deal with.

You mention at times struggling with some very difficult thoughts and emotions. Though I see your comments about the mental services being in crisis where you are, I do want to ask you if you perhaps have a therapist to talk to about your own difficult thoughts and emotions?

Take care

[Calm Waters]

Hi, my younger son was seen by a psychiatrist yesterday and they have started him on olanzapine an anti psychotic. My older son is becoming very agitated as the anniversary of his suicide attempt comes up next Monday, we are all pretty anxious. Today he was talking again about wanting to die, go back and change things, asking me why i didn't stop him and so on, its extremely painful for me especially, but all of our family; he is refusing to engage with the psychiatric team at the moment which is also very worrying. However his new girlfriend is very kind and despite grieving over her fathers death just  3 weeks ago is proving a valuable asset as long as the relationship lasts - hoping !

As for me and my wife we just stagger on day by day hour by hour trying to keep it together as best we can. I'm grateful to help and resources on this site - calm

[Calm Waters]

I was driving around until 3.30 am looking for the older one who went off saying he was going to kill himself……... again! he turned up at 4am - mental illness of whatever type is so selfish!

[lbjnltx]

 

It is heart wrenching for us parents who love them and wish they would love themselves enough to seek and embrace help.

Get some rest for yourself.  These things can take the life out of us if we don't take care of ourselves.

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

I can understand why the thought of this anniversary would make all of you anxious. It was such a tragic and sad event and I still remember your post about it very well :'(

Dealing with threats of suicide isn't easy. I am very glad though that your oldest son didn't harm himself and came back home.

I hope the psychiatrist and those meds will help your younger son. Having a support network can greatly help so in that sense it is very positive that his girlfriend is so kind. I can imagine this must also be quite though for her, especially since her father died just 3 weeks ago.

Take care and know that you also have a support network here on bpdfamily

[Calm Waters]

Last night at 4am after many phone calls and texts from my older son claiming he was going to end his life we managed to track him down with the police and get him back in to psychiatric hospital. He has just been assessed and will stay in for observation for up to 28 days. At least we know he is safe, however no one can force him to take medication or attend therapy, both of which he has been refusing. Reasoning with him doesn't work, he seems to have no empathy for what he is doing to us all, its so frustrating that mentally ill people deny that they are mentally ill despite the evidence, the pain caused to all concerned, the cost to society, their own lack of wellbeing! I am now at a loss to determine what our lives will be like with two sons likely BPD, psychotic and suicidal. I feel resentful that my life is now not my own, I am nearly 58 and was looking forward to a a reasonably secure and happy retirement. A friend said to me - how do you make god laugh? answer - tell him / her your plans!

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters

This is very tough to deal with so I can totally understand why you are struggling with all of this.

I am glad your son is at least safe now and being monitored. I hope he at some point will be open to therapy and taking medication again. Has he said why he doesn't want to do these things?

I understand your frustration. People with suicidal thoughts often get stuck in their distorted thought patterns. It might not be that they are doing these things out of selfishness, but more that they cannot think clearly and are stuck in loops of distorted thinking. That however doesn't change that this causes you a lot of stress.

Hopefully your son will come to a point that he can break free from this distorted thinking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi calm,

You've been through a lot and it's a particularly difficult anniversary, for your son and for you. On top of that, both boys have mental health issues. My heart goes out to you, friend. I have felt no pain close to how it feels when your child says they want to die  :'(

How do the medications seem to be working? Are you able to visit with your son while he is institutionalized? And like you mentioned, he has a girlfriend. Does she also smoke skunk?

[Calm Waters]

the older one has been clean for years, this is residual damage, the younger one gave up skunk a month a go and this is withdrawal psychosis, girlfriend is a BPD with an alcohol issue! thanks for your thoughts - calm

[Calm Waters]

So today is the first anniversary of the worst day of my life, my son is back in hospital and mentally he is exactly where he was a year ago but with the added complications of his near fatal injuries. I spent most of the afternoon in bed as i didn't sleep at all last night, life is as ever complex and demanding but apart from my arthritis I am ok despite it all - Calm

[Calm Waters]

We really are struggling now, my older son has been sectioned and is back in the local psychiatric hospital, however he is bombarding us with suicidal texts day and night, I have spoken to the hospital and hopefully they can get on top of it but you can imagine its very distressing. He is refusing to engage with the staff at the moment and says he just wants to die. They can keep him for up to 28 days but cant force him to engage or take medication so the chances are he is not going to improve unless he wants to!

In the meantime the younger one is now on medication having also been diagnosed with a first episode psychosis, thankfully he is no longer violent but its still very challenging and disturbing being with him as he has some very delusional ideas and thoughts, is hearing voices, talking to himself, thinks he’s telepathic and that his thoughts can be heard, he is not safe to be on his own. Hoping this is temporary but knowing my luck…...


We are on our knees financially my wife having been on half pay for the last few months and the costs of the extra treatments that we are paying for, for bothboys to try and get them well again.


My Dad is back home but he will be ill again soon I have no doubt and in the meantime my brother is struggling with his own health issues and creeping despondency and depression that I have recently detected. I expect that his cancer will be back with a vengeance soon as he has been in remission for some time now and is throwing himself into a lifestyle that will not help his illness.


I am living on pain killers as my arthritis is getting worse by the day and I feel awful much of the time, in reality I am exhausted, but I am still coping… just but I am not sure for how much longer if this level of pressure continues. I feel like I am being challenged like never before and have to face the prospect that my sons may die at their own hand. I have been looking at life insurance and funeral cover because I know we will struggle if the worst happens but its impossible to get cover until at least a year after discharge from hospital.

[mimi99]

I am shocked that a mental health facility would allow their clients to keep cell phones! Last spring my d24 was in two separate psych wards and each of them confiscated her cell phone and only allowed limited use of the common area telephone. Have you asked them about their policies regarding this and how they will keep your son safe while he is there?

Do you think your younger son's psychotic episode may be drug related? Often drug abusers will hear voices, etc when high. I have friends that have thought their loved ones were losing their sanity, only to have it clear up once the person went to rehab.

Please take care of yourself, as I'm sure you know that you will be of no help to the rest of your family if you do not. Remember what they say during takeoff on the airplane? Put your oxygen mask on first before you assist anyone else. You can't help if you are incapacitated yourself.

I know you want your sons to be well, and feel a duty to do anything to make that a reality. Maybe attending Al anon or Nar anon meetings would be helpful to you as well. The people there are like us here -- they know what you are going through, won't judge and will tell you the truth about what has worked for them. Best of luck to you. Sending hugs and prayers

[Calm Waters]

Hi thanks, he's not in a secure wards it is quite liberal, although at the moment he is confined to the hospital. The younger one is withdrawing from cannabis use - so yes hopefully this is temporary whilst to clears his system. - what fun this is!

[Calm Waters]

So this evening we are receiving threatening texts and phone calls from the son in the psychiatric unit essentially blaming us for everything that has gone wrong in his life and threatening to kill us when he gets out. The younger one living with us has announced he wants to come off the anti psychotic meds and go back to cannabis, when i challenged him about the risks to his health guess what he …... yes he threatened to kill me. I am now upstairs in my bedroom calming down and wondering if I will be one of those tabloid headlines one day 'mentally ill son murders parents', its not the first time this has crossed my mind that it could be my epitaph. Does any one out there have experience of electro  convulsive therapy? for drug induced psychosis as this can't go on, - not so calm!

[lbjnltx]

Are you showing these text messages to the team at the hospital?

This is beyond the scope of a parent's ability to handle alone.  Contacting the authorities in the case of death threats is advisable and asking for their support and protection seems to me what is called for.  Have you done this before and if so what was the outcome?

I understand it is difficult to do because we feel we are betraying our children.  A slight shift in perception reveals that we are protecting ourselves and protecting our children from themselves. 

[Calm Waters]

We had the crisis team around this morning and we have agreed to see how the younger one is over the weekend and if he still refuses treatment we may be forced to have him in hospital as well. The older one seems to have calmed down over night. Yes we keep the staff and all concerned appraised of the texts and other phenomena we are seeing and experiencing, its a very fluid situation though so its difficult to establish clear trends in mood and behaviour. My wife has gone to the hospital to see the older one whilst I am here with the younger one trying to keep some containment but constantly being vigilant, yes its exhausting and not sustainable long term so we await the unfold drama of the next few days until we have to make a decision. Calm

[lbjnltx]

What is the long term plan the treatment team is proposing?

Is this plan acceptable to you and your wife?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

I can see how these threats could cause you to be somewhat less than calm.

Have your sons ever before threatened to harm you? Or was this the first time?

I am glad the crisis team came over to support you.

Also good to hear that your oldest son seems to have calmed down.

What do the hospital staff say about the text messages, specifically the death threats?

[Calm Waters]

There doesn't seem to be a treatment plan as such, the crisis team intervene at weekends and as and when it appears that a crisis is imminent or in progress, the GRIP ( early intervention in psychosis) team tries to gain the trust of the patient and act as a supportive professional monitoring the situation and gaining insight. The problem with both of these approaches is that in many cases the ill person doesn't not believe they  are ill or sees it all as a big conspiracy - fuelled by the paranoia so wont take medication or accept therapy because they believe they are fine... .or do they? then there is the stigma to consider. Its a terrible situation for all concerned but I think waiting and watching and playing around with anti psychotics for weeks on end is frustrating and frightening but there is no silver bullet. However the crisis team have just phoned me to say they think the younger one should also be in hospital for ours and his safety, I am inclined to agree bit the thought of have both my children in the psychiatric unit? well you can imagine its just devastating and heartbreaking, I feel like an utter failure as a father whilst also angry about the choices my children have made and just the sheer hell and torment we and I have had to deal with over the last 3 years in particular and the last 10 as we have descended into this hell. I despair! - calm

[Rapt Reader]

Calm Waters, I'm so sorry for your trauma 

It's so sad and devastating when our kids not only become people we never expected, but also seem impervious to getting better, no matter what we do for them... .Feeling guilty for their troubles is kinda normal for us as parents, even when we intellectually know that we couldn't have changed things for them, and that we did the best we could with what we knew as our own truth of the situation.

Is your younger son going to be hospitalized soon? Though it feels terrible for you to have both sons admitted, it does seem to be the best thing for everyone in your family; you and your wife sure do need a "breather" from the fear and stress, and your son does need help... .When will he be admitted? I would go with the advice of the professional team that knows him; they have his best interests at heart 

[Kwamina]

However the crisis team have just phoned me to say they think the younger one should also be in hospital for ours and his safety, I am inclined to agree bit the thought of have both my children in the psychiatric unit? well you can imagine its just devastating and heartbreaking, I feel like an utter failure as a father whilst also angry about the choices my children have made and just the sheer hell and torment we and I have had to deal with over the last 3 years in particular and the last 10 as we have descended into this hell. I despair! - calm

This is indeed very tough to deal with as a parent seeing both your sons struggle like this.

You did the best you could with the knowledge and skills you had. Once we know better, we can do better. This also applies to the choices your sons have made themselves.

Your sons both unfortunately have mental and emotional problems and that isn't your or anyone else's fault. It's a sad and difficult situation, it is what it is though. As hard as things are my advice would be to try and find the best solution withing the reality of what's going on with your sons. This could very well mean also having your younger son in the psychiatric unit, at least for a while so his situation can stabilize?

Do you feel physically safe around your sons? Have they ever tried to physically hurt you?

[Calm Waters]

so the psychiatrist is coming tomorrow morning, they want to section my son under the mental health act and put him in the same hospital but a different ward to my other son,  he may go voluntarily; still very hard to come to terms with…….

[Rapt Reader]

Yes... .I really commiserate that it is devastating having to face this and come to terms with it, Calm Waters; I'm very sorry that it has come to this for your family 

Sometimes, the best way to wrap your head around something that seems so unfathomable or bearable is to use Radical Acceptance to do what you need to in order to survive. I've been there; my own adult son (38) has been suicidal many times in the past--ended up in the Psych Ward of our local Hospital twice--and also had a multi-year Heroin addiction which sent him to 2 Rehabs, and then finally the Dual Diagnosis Program that diagnosed his BPD and started him on his way to recovery. His story is at the green link at the end of all of my posts.

This Workshop/Information can really help you with using that technique, and I would like to encourage you read it in preparation for your younger son's admittance: Radical Acceptance for family members. It is something that has helped me with my own journey with my much-loved son.

Please keep letting us know what is going on, and how you are doing, Calm Waters. We know how hard this is, and want to be there for you as you are going through these difficulties    I really hope your son does what he needs to in order to find the help and healing he needs for his well-being... .

[livednlearned]

Hi calm,

One of the graces I learned about my son having a sensitive genotype is that the world is harder for him than it is for others. In the environment he grew up in, with a N/BPD father, S14 suffered more than most. His suicidal ideation was a shot across the bow, a sign how much distress was there. Everything had to change.

It is easy to look at our lives and see wreckage, and feel responsible. The story on the ground is so much more complex, and sometimes our tragedies are bottoms we and/or our loved ones hit for reasons we can't see in the moment.

When there is mental illness and a difficult sometimes indifferent environment (peers, significant others, employers, family, etc.) I have learned it takes many, many individuals to help everyone get to a better place, even if better is not necessarily the best.

Your sons are in crisis, and while others do their best to care for him, be sure to take care of yourself too. You're doing that by posting here and letting others support you. Are you eating ok? Sleeping ok? Walking to clear your head?

We're here for you. You're not alone.



LnL

[Calm Waters]

im in tears reading your  responses…... admittedly I am a bit drunk, yes i sleep with the help of zopiclone, I remain hopeful, walk the dogs have projects that give me some degree of pleasure, have a supportive wife ( we are both BPD but very much a team and stable now) good friends who support me as best they can, but in reality its only my anger and maybe my npd that protects me and stops me falling apart. thank you all so much.

[Calm Waters]

They are now both in the same psychiatric hospital on different wards... .cant quite believe this is what its come to - calm