How did your kids handle a BPD grandparent?

[Levi78]

My mom is uBPD. In some ways she's been a terrific grandparent. She is basically a child herself -- she loves Disney, collects Barbies, etc. But the reality is that she's completely mental. She is very ADD, makes grandiose promises but never keeps them. She has few friends, and always plays the victim. My brother has been NC with her for years after she claimed he "stole her inheritance." (totally insane allegation)

My oldest child is now 6 and adores his "Nana". It makes me sad. I dread the day be starts asking logical questions like: Why does Nana never come to any of my soccer games when she promised to attend them all? Why does Nana never speak to my Uncle -- isn't she his Mama too?

How did your children handle the truth about their BPD grandparent? Did you have anything wise to say that helped them?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Levi,

Good question. My DS is still too young to really understand, so we keep things simple.

Honesty is our policy, so if (when) he asks why he doesn't see my parents as often as we see my in-laws, we're going to keep it simple but honest: "We don't see them as much because sometimes they do things that make us sad." I don't feel like it's appropriate to get into BPD with a child. When DS is old enough to really understand (I'm thinking late teens or adulthood), I might tell him.

With your son, you might say something like, "I'm sure that Nana meant to keep her promise, but she just can't." If he asks about why she doesn't speak to your brother, you might say, "It's very sad, but they are angry with each other. That doesn't mean that she doesn't love him or he doesn't love her." It might be a good time to listen to your son's feelings and fears and validate any of his concerns.

[Levi78]

I think you're right about honesty. I spent my entire childhood being confused and disappointed by my mother's lies and promises.

Thank you for your sage perspective! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Levi,

I'm a new member as well, healing through my issues regarding my recently deceased uBPD mother. My children are adults now, ages 27, 25, and 19. My main goal throughout all  their growing years was to let them enjoy Gma and see her as they did, without my painting the picture a certain way that was colored with my own painful memoires. I didn't know then that she was BPD because I'd never heard of it. I just knew I wanted to protect them from the caustic effects. It seemed to serve both myself and them well, and fortunately we chose to live 1000 miles away so only saw her once or twice a year. There were times they asked tough questions such as, "why does Gma not visit often," or "why did she divorce Gpa," and I would answer simply and honestly without a huge explanation. For them it was all they needed. Now that they are adults and I am in therapy, slowly I am telling them about my childhood, but only what I feel is appropriate and at the right time. They've begun to ask me their own questions or respond with saying, "I always wondered why she did those things."  Once they reached the age when they could travel more, the older two went to visit for a few days with Gma and got to know her better. Unfortunately or fortunately as the case may be, they began to understand that there were things that were not right with Gma. At this point in time though, they are adults and can process with the maturity that they have, coming to their own conclusions. It's a confirmation to me that they have seen many of the same things I have.

My uBPD mom was a better Gma than she was a mom, but still very much who she was. She put on a much kinder and generous front to her grandchildren (like she did with her friends) than she did with her family who really saw who she was. My sister lived very close to our uBPD mom, and she had a different experience altogether and had to set firm boundaries to keep mom from taking over her family. Her children are still very young: 7, 4, and 3. My sister recently told me to be glad I didn't live close and raise my children there because it was such a battle. I suppose each situation is unique and you have to set those boundaries.

[krista8521]

We have four Daughters and my MIL BPD never really put anything into the kids.

She would barely tolerate them when they were around, and when we were out of ear shot she would talk badly about our children.

Example our oldest living on her own at age 19. Working full time, going to school full time, doing a really good job was lied about by Grandma.

She told relatives our daughter was away at a drug rehab center. Our daughter never used drugs.

MIL would always tear into our kids over nothing, harsh time outs etc... . constantly ordering them around etc...

Then when we went n/c she sent my husband the kids school pictures back in a envelope, with their faces defaced and a letter that she doesn't want them anymore and their not her grandchildren now.

We never let the kids know and just told them that grandma has problems and we choose to not have that in our lives. They could have cared less. She wasn't missed by them.

Oh yes and one Thanksgiving she said to her Brother in front of me that my kids "weren't her real grand kids, because I am not her daughter, but her daughters kids were real grandkids because her own daughter had them"

I know it makes no sense, I mean all four of our kids are my husbands biological children.

Crazy!

[sarahsparkles]

Hi Levi-

I live close to my uBPDmother. At first my mother seemed like a better "nana" than mother. But, like it happened between my sisters and I; she started her games of manipulation, lies, and all around starting fights between my three kids once they started to get older. She would pull each one aside and say they were her favorite, tell each of them that their sibling took something of theirs or said something mean and have them play "games" where they would compete against each other then rub the "loser" noses in the fact that they are not good enough. The last straw was when my oldest daughter started to become verbally & emotionally abused by her while in her care. She then turned around and called her a liar.

  I currently have NC with my mother and father. For the past 2 years I have worked on myself and trying to learn to set and hold firm boundaries with her. Because I did not do that. And she took over my family. I allowed her to almost break up my marriage and abuse one out of my three (at the time) children. I am not sure I will ever have a relationship with her, but when my children are adults they can chose to see her if they'd like.

  Regarding my uBPDmom- I have been honest with my kids. Granted they are 15, 13, 9 and the baby- has never met her. I explained to them about mental illness and substance abuse (because mother is also an alcoholic and pill popper), and how things like drugs and BPD affect your brain, judgement and thought process. I don't want them to fear her, but be aware of her. They know NOT to get into a car with her, and tell a teacher if she shows up at their schools (again). It saddens me a great deal to have to deal with her on this level (thinking about getting a restraining order), but on the other hand our lives are so much more peaceful.

   Be honest. Thats what I say. I wouldn't give all the juicy details- but being truthful is always the way to go. And set firm boundaries and stick to them.

Hang in there-